Post by lovebunny on Jan 16, 2022 17:53:06 GMT
I'm about a month away from moving in with boyfriend of 2 years, I'm so excited (and a little nervous) for this new chapter of my life. I've never had a partner so present and consistent and attentive to my needs and I think we'll make a lovely home together.
I'm looking specifically today for some help with what I've heard called "object constancy." I seem to lack it in some way. Not that I forget my partner when they're not around, quite the opposite. I become anxious that in the interim between being with them, their feelings for me or their situation that allows them to be with me has altered and I'm about to be given bad news.
This happens whenever I've been apart from him for more than a couple days, specifically when one or the other of us has gone out of town without the other, or, most recently, when he was in covid isolation for 5 days.
I've explained how I feel to him by using a hammer metaphor, that I put a hammer down and walk away then am worried somebody or something will make my hammer disappear. He's explained to me that when he puts something down, he expects to find in the same place when he comes back for it (secure) so he's not as anxious when I'm gone. And we he comes back, he always hopes/imagines there's going to be a joyful, passionate reunion. He's missed me physically, touch is a strong love language for both of us, and he wants to be all over me right away.
My reality is, while we're apart (despite plenty of messaging, videochatting, etc.,) I've become anxious and overwhelmed and often feel a little withdrawn at first. I tend to need a day or so to "warm up to him" again, and it hurts his feelings. I've been like this with other partners too, so it's definitely me not him.
We brainstormed some strategies to try to deal with this. Firstly, he needs to lower his expectations of me jumping him the minute we're reunited, and I need to figure out how I can feel more connected and warm during absences.
I read that maybe I could make a scrapbook of photos of us together, or have him write me a love letter to look at when we're apart to remind me of his devotion. This suggestion doesn't resonate with me, maybe because I can, and do, get pics and written word in real time over phone when we're apart?
He's tried leaving shirts with a bit of his scent on them, lol. But that's not quite right. I usually just end up treating them like normal dirty laundry.
One idea I came up with: Maybe I have a locket with his pic in it, or a romantic gemstone necklace, or something, like a talisman, that he could put on me when we were going to be apart for any significant period of time, something tangible I could see and touch to remind myself of his love, that I take off when we're back together.
Anybody think of some other strategies? I searched "object constancy" and object permanence" in the search bar but didn't come up with how to address this. I felt like at one point I saw some articles I meant to check out more closely later, but I can't find them now.
So, where does this feeling come from? Well, I can think of a couple times in my romantic history where it *seemed* like someone changed their mind about me practically overnight. In fact, the relationship I was in before this one, the FA left me for another woman seemingly out of the blue.
But I was like this before that. So what in my childhood that might have created this? My parents were benignly neglectful, and not really emotionally in tune with me, but they weren't particularly inconsistent. A couple of times I was sent to live with relatives for financial/work reasons while my parents were moving around, maybe I was told out-of-the-blue and not given time to adjust to the idea? Or maybe I struggled with feelings of missing my parents, but then when I was reunited with them, they were still not emotionally in tune with me and I felt disappointed? I can't remember much about how I felt during these months, I was very young, like 4 to 9 years old. I think it depended on which relatives I was with and how long the separations.
Anyway, I look forward to hearing any mitigating strategies y'all can come up with. I would love to be able to just joyfully leap into his arms and start making out in the airport or whatever.
I'm looking specifically today for some help with what I've heard called "object constancy." I seem to lack it in some way. Not that I forget my partner when they're not around, quite the opposite. I become anxious that in the interim between being with them, their feelings for me or their situation that allows them to be with me has altered and I'm about to be given bad news.
This happens whenever I've been apart from him for more than a couple days, specifically when one or the other of us has gone out of town without the other, or, most recently, when he was in covid isolation for 5 days.
I've explained how I feel to him by using a hammer metaphor, that I put a hammer down and walk away then am worried somebody or something will make my hammer disappear. He's explained to me that when he puts something down, he expects to find in the same place when he comes back for it (secure) so he's not as anxious when I'm gone. And we he comes back, he always hopes/imagines there's going to be a joyful, passionate reunion. He's missed me physically, touch is a strong love language for both of us, and he wants to be all over me right away.
My reality is, while we're apart (despite plenty of messaging, videochatting, etc.,) I've become anxious and overwhelmed and often feel a little withdrawn at first. I tend to need a day or so to "warm up to him" again, and it hurts his feelings. I've been like this with other partners too, so it's definitely me not him.
We brainstormed some strategies to try to deal with this. Firstly, he needs to lower his expectations of me jumping him the minute we're reunited, and I need to figure out how I can feel more connected and warm during absences.
I read that maybe I could make a scrapbook of photos of us together, or have him write me a love letter to look at when we're apart to remind me of his devotion. This suggestion doesn't resonate with me, maybe because I can, and do, get pics and written word in real time over phone when we're apart?
He's tried leaving shirts with a bit of his scent on them, lol. But that's not quite right. I usually just end up treating them like normal dirty laundry.
One idea I came up with: Maybe I have a locket with his pic in it, or a romantic gemstone necklace, or something, like a talisman, that he could put on me when we were going to be apart for any significant period of time, something tangible I could see and touch to remind myself of his love, that I take off when we're back together.
Anybody think of some other strategies? I searched "object constancy" and object permanence" in the search bar but didn't come up with how to address this. I felt like at one point I saw some articles I meant to check out more closely later, but I can't find them now.
So, where does this feeling come from? Well, I can think of a couple times in my romantic history where it *seemed* like someone changed their mind about me practically overnight. In fact, the relationship I was in before this one, the FA left me for another woman seemingly out of the blue.
But I was like this before that. So what in my childhood that might have created this? My parents were benignly neglectful, and not really emotionally in tune with me, but they weren't particularly inconsistent. A couple of times I was sent to live with relatives for financial/work reasons while my parents were moving around, maybe I was told out-of-the-blue and not given time to adjust to the idea? Or maybe I struggled with feelings of missing my parents, but then when I was reunited with them, they were still not emotionally in tune with me and I felt disappointed? I can't remember much about how I felt during these months, I was very young, like 4 to 9 years old. I think it depended on which relatives I was with and how long the separations.
Anyway, I look forward to hearing any mitigating strategies y'all can come up with. I would love to be able to just joyfully leap into his arms and start making out in the airport or whatever.
