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Post by fijiwater on Jan 17, 2022 20:27:23 GMT
My engagement ended late last year, and I've posted about it on the Avoidant Attached section. I'm aware of my anxious behaviours of wanting to "save"/"heal"/"fix" someone and have been exploring this in therapy.
One thing I am really struggling with though - if I see someone vulnerable (eg with my ex who told me something about his childhood, and cried - this happened once and he was drunk) - I feel unbearable sadness for that person when I remember this situation. It brings me to tears and I desperately want to fix it (although I obviously don't do anything about it). It's the same feeling as when I was at university, and I saw a boy standing all alone at a party and he looked so lost and sad. And if I see someone eating, and they have food on their face. It makes me feel really sad and I don't really know how to manage these feelings.
Does anyone at all relate to this? I'm vaguely aware it relates to my anxious attachment desire of wanting to help people/potential "white knight" tendancies.
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Post by alexandra on Jan 17, 2022 21:07:04 GMT
When you were younger (maybe even now if you really think about it), did you ever fantasize about others acting that way for you? Are you doing it because it's what deep down you would want?
There's an aspect to healing insecure attachment that is effectively reparenting yourself. Taking the wounded inner child and providing for yourself what you're currently protecting outwards and looking to do for others. With anxious attachment comes problems with internal emotional regulation, and being conditioned to look to others to do it for you. Which is effectively what "fixing" others who didn't ask is all about, and the projection is that maybe, like your inner child, they're not asking because they don't know how to. Except among adults, that's not necessarily the case, and even if it is, it's on themselves to work with a therapist or something like that not on you to jump in and fix unless you're looking to set up a co-dependent situation. But the inclination, I suspect, is reflecting what areas need healing within yourself.
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 18, 2022 0:45:34 GMT
My engagement ended late last year, and I've posted about it on the Avoidant Attached section. I'm aware of my anxious behaviours of wanting to "save"/"heal"/"fix" someone and have been exploring this in therapy. One thing I am really struggling with though - if I see someone vulnerable (eg with my ex who told me something about his childhood, and cried - this happened once and he was drunk) - I feel unbearable sadness for that person when I remember this situation. It brings me to tears and I desperately want to fix it (although I obviously don't do anything about it). It's the same feeling as when I was at university, and I saw a boy standing all alone at a party and he looked so lost and sad. And if I see someone eating, and they have food on their face. It makes me feel really sad and I don't really know how to manage these feelings. Does anyone at all relate to this? I'm vaguely aware it relates to my anxious attachment desire of wanting to help people/potential "white knight" tendancies. You may want to look into HSP….there are several of in the community who have HSP. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2022 4:25:49 GMT
My engagement ended late last year, and I've posted about it on the Avoidant Attached section. I'm aware of my anxious behaviours of wanting to "save"/"heal"/"fix" someone and have been exploring this in therapy. One thing I am really struggling with though - if I see someone vulnerable (eg with my ex who told me something about his childhood, and cried - this happened once and he was drunk) - I feel unbearable sadness for that person when I remember this situation. It brings me to tears and I desperately want to fix it (although I obviously don't do anything about it). It's the same feeling as when I was at university, and I saw a boy standing all alone at a party and he looked so lost and sad. And if I see someone eating, and they have food on their face. It makes me feel really sad and I don't really know how to manage these feelings. Does anyone at all relate to this? I'm vaguely aware it relates to my anxious attachment desire of wanting to help people/potential "white knight" tendancies. I feel deep sadness when I see suffering. It can be overwhelming. I tick all the boxes for HSP, and I think that being born very sensitive actually made my avoidance worse, due to feeling too much. When I encounter suffering that I can do something about, I try to help if I can (if it's healthy). But that has got me into trouble too, when I wasn't able to be healthy with it. When I see people in a desperate situation like the homeless or mentally ill in a large city, I just think of how they are someone's son or daughter and my heart collapses so I have to just breathe and I feel grief. The unfairness of life can be pretty crushing sometimes. And it's humbling, because without the conditions I've been born into, I could be suffering immensely as well. It's all pretty heavy. I take a solemn moment to acknowledge the suffering and recognize my limitations in it, and it's always very sobering. I think it helps me to live a little more mindfully, to be so in touch with the vast amount of hurt in the world. That said, I have a long way to go to be as mindful as I would like to be but I use moments like that deep awareness of pain to practice being with it instead of shutting down or giving myself over to hopelessness or despair. And it causes me to remember gratitude too, not in a "thank god it isn't me!" way but in a sober, humble way. I wish I had better answers. |
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