Need some feedback from FA regarding breakup/contact (long)

Hey thanks for the feedback and the sense. Yes Ihear everything you are saying. And if I was not in it myself I would be telling someone to run. On paper it looks bad exactly what you are saying.

It is so strange, bc he did 'show up' this entire time. I mean ENTIRE. Honest. am pretty observant and dont miss anything. But tho big the vulnerability was his flaw, being afraid. He seemed to be working on the opening up and like I said anytime close, he backed off. Incredibly loving always. I can say in the entire time, he was great. EXCEPT THIS which is huge I know. I cant even imagine he could do it this long so I don't think he was faking anything.

. He just has quirks which in retrospect I think about. He wil work for anyone who asks to switch, but he will never switch. I got it out of him he does not like to owe anybody anything. I recently wondered if his people pleasing or. please me caught up. I believe his parents know he has soesthing wrong but don't know what. I felt like telling them but did't want to overstep or seem like the jilted gf. He has never done anything to me and everyone likes him. He never likes to accept help, never complains much either. I see him be positive. It must be tiring. But as I said..soe of the quirks seemed like obsessions/compusions since the breakup #1....


I cannot tell you waht happened here. I feel like he changed when this happened initially. Maybe he had a breakdown. No one knows he has a problem just me. I am sure family thinks something. away and they were worried that had I been here I was not there) but I got stuck abroad. The only trigger I can think is that he has been building--he does not talk about himself unless you ask. Even his family. I hear the most. HE is ultra supportive and positive about me, anything I need, attentive. This is why I was wondering if FA or even DA involves any type of breakdown, and this is why I wondered why ofc not meaning to diagnose, but things like BPD or ROCD. And tbh, the last option I though maybe is is considering or questioning his sexuality. The look on his face about the problem he seems so tstressed and he can't even talk about it. It is def some trauma. He seems every upset to talk about it too. It so guarded. I have seen him up till 4 am, and recently listening to classical. music. He's clearly doing some good eating and exercising and just internally stuff. He contatlntly tells me he wishes he could share things and be open and he loves that but its so hard for him (in general). You can see him get anxious about stuff.

I have seen other people say don't share their OCD or. mental illness, etc. but I am not a believer in that I mean no oversharing, but it can help the relationship if people understand each other, at least if you feel comfortable.

My gut tells me anything is possible, or  he is questioning, and he has intimacy issues on top of it. Part of me feels he has horrible self esteem, and is afraid I wlll see the real him. Part of me feels he is afraid he will hurt me..So he sabotaged it all a few weeks agp bc bc of these fears.  I think he is aware, but confused. The communication is very confusing but he did try. I think he regrets he was over shared about the problem (I was able to figure some things). I thikn he knows I don't miss much, and it scares him. 
SO I waver/. I have the power to not make him go further in..but a simple acknowledgement of feelings and they were important ( even if I don't agree). OR I can do nothing 

I have not decided what to do. I don' want to make myself miserable if he gives a crappy response.   Still Assessing.
Thanks for your insight and for reading.. it was so long.

You know maybe I read that from you elsewhere about the mind reading and I wrote it down . Because I thought it was valid to include that should I decide to write. :0 So thanks it is a great point. See I am the type to dive right in and learn and adjust if I can be happy and everone can. I thikn I am leaning that AP for sure right now.. Strangely I was seciure but he didn't cause that I had alot of stress last year but his problem added to it.

I can say I was happy before this happened 2 weeks ago. I was understanding about the 1st time. I for sure saw crisis and panic. and it happened for a few months. I saw lots of trying to communicate, and get me through to understand without saying it. He was patient bc Iknow he was in hell I am not happy w what happened a couple weeks ago. He is an aware person. I know he is working behind the scenes and not say what. He is focusd and will do what he can for himself.

Gong forward..I am not sure yet. This person I wanted in my life forever in some way. Frend minimally. I don't know how long we would have been a couple. maybe short term maybe forever. I know I love him but I don't want to get married today. I thought of experiencing life w him and wherever it takes us..Secretly hoping we make it. I never had any desire for anyone else. He was my everything, and I study people In alot of ways he was perfect to me and for me. I would have never broken up even w communication flaws....bc I saw he tried and got better.  I saw it as a work in progress and I was secure in not asking every little thing actually. I learned security through him (for the first year).  Minimally as a best friend  I thought we would be...I hope someday something bc I really love him he will never know much I did. 

He had said before he didn't know how long this is gonna take. For all I know he figured himself out what he is...And know this needed time. And He didnt want to give it up It was hard even for me.

My halt on not contacting him is to prove to him this tine I am giving what he asked for and listening. s. He wanted space he asked now.. But I don't want him to think he ruined me that he can't contact me in some capacity someday if I dont reach out first. .

Oh and I am focused on me btw. I am working out, gym, drawing, and researching all about things to be a better person!!  I have my moments of ruminating..but I'm sad, mad and ok at the same time

Def not a substance abuse problem. And no if anything intimacy that way is great. Physically he is very intimate. I said the bc you can be attracted to both sexes but in your heart know you are really wanting the the same sex. And no one knows till you are ready. He is definitely not connecting that way. The recurring thing...is why I kept going back to some thought and ROCD is veery similar. in that unless you get treatment, it will carry over to all relationships. . Lots have the avoidant or anxious personality. I just happen to know alot about OCD from 2 friends that have it and some other stuff close people have that I know.

Yep regarding all you said otherwise. Oh no at this point I am not looking for the dx. I am truing to learn that is how I found myself here. And, I was wavering on the letter concurrently.

Its def unhealthy and this may be the guilt..he knows it. He has said it is his and his t fix. My anger about it is his ignoring that the problem unlimitedly affected me too. In his mind he hears people ghost, etc and he thinks he has told me alot while other run, He feels he didn't do that llo. He is not putting on me to fix it.

I appreciate all you guys are writing and not discounting it I agree w most of it actually. He made the choice this time and I didnt stop it. The first one, I thought a depressisnon type problem or maybe sick and I was all in to be the supportive friends. but not this time bc I feel it was his choice to remove me seriously this time. 

Hes def not thikning clear. .Who does this as you are leaving. For that I am mad. He sat on this.He told me he doesn't know anyone else that would keep asking things if space was needed. I said anyone would, and he claimed not ONE would. Completely out of touch when emotions going

What is sad is that he has been opening about emotions, even if when they are not good. Like I wasn't even asking or thinking about it tbh.   At least he was doing it. I told him I take him to painful places and know he well. HE agreed

There are all kinds of things you could speculate on, as far as the "problem". First thing I thought is that he cheated with his ex and she's had a baby, actually. Not to freak you out but the speculation happens because he's not transparent...the "having a hard time opening up " is toxic for a relationship. It's so destructive and yes, selfish. But twisting yourself up to accommodate it is where you abandoned yourself. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Actually….what typically happens is that there is “doubt” that is not expressed….or is expressed but not directly….so although it feels like something snapped (and yes, we have had many people speak to the “surprise, snap breakup”on the forum) the reality is a lack of communication.  I am an AP leaning FA who experienced a sudden break up with a DA leaning FA.  I too spent a lot of time trying to understand him…but understanding him did not change the outcome.  It is good that you are putting a boundary with seeing him again.  Let whatever happened to him remain with him…..turn your focus back to you.

You didn't ruin it, though. He did. He sabotaged it because his defense mechanisms kicked in and it was less painful for him to do what he did than to truly address his problems. Like, his second biggest fear may have been losing you. But his biggest fear was facing the pain of working through the trauma, including communicating and properly leaning on someone else (in a healthy, secure attachment style, there it's a healthy sense of self versus others, healthy boundaries, and a healthy balance and comfort with both independence and interdependence with a partner -- without being codependence). It would have happened with anyone.

Your responsibility to yourself if you're working towards heathly adult connections is recognizing when there's a mismatch like this, when your needs are not being properly considered or respected, when the person doesn't have the capacity to participate in a healthy adult romantic relationship, and assessing what healthy boundaries would be from there.

For many of us who struggled with our own inner work but have made gains in security, it means either letting go of toxic and emotionally draining relationships with love and compassion, but focusing on mourning and processing what happened so we can heal and move on (which may eventually leave room for friendship but also may not). Or it means walking away from potential romantic partners very early, before the relationship is established, because something doesn't sit right (red flags in the connection, which are very often due to insecure attachment styles and accompanying difficulties having an emotionally healthy connection, or possibly due to other mental health issues). Dating reality, what's really in front of you instead of potential, not trying to or hoping to change anyone especially if they didn't ask for your help.

So from this situation, I hope you will learn why it's so important to never abandon yourself, especially to someone else who is too emotionally unstable at the time to "drive" the relationship for you, as they can't even show up for themselves. If you're trying to move your own attachment style towards security, these are some of the underlying concepts to address and internalize on your side of things as you start to heal and figure out what you want to do next.

It's maddening I know, when so many pieces fit except the most important one. I agree that it's likely his pain was the overriding factor. Not you, it was his own self protection and unskillful response to whatever is going on with him. It takes a lot of time, the right influences, and lots of living getting it wrong and sometimes getting something right in order to get to a point of overcoming this kind of stuff. There's nothing you could have done to preserve what he dismantled. People who sabotage or can't get their footing do the same dance no matter who their partner is.