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Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2022 3:48:53 GMT
usernametaken that flipping does sound like what I read in the FA thread. FA get overwhelmed on an instinctive level by closeness. I get overwhelmed by something that feels overbearing and restrictive or overly vulnerable - that feels risky. So it's not just closeness but some kind of impingement or emotional pain that will switch me to deactivate. True connecting doesn't, though- unless I fear the loss of that connection in some vague way and then I automatically distance (but I can detect and correct that pretty quickly- in my earlier life it wold just take over and I drifted alone a lot). Anyway, weird stuff ain't it? I've only been overwhelmed by demands once. A newer friend who is extreme AP. Non stop texting and constantly wanting to hang out. He told me all his friends abandon him which only made me feel worse. One day I fully just shut down and wanted nothing to do with him. Luckily despite my confusion I was able to recognize that I liked spending time with this person and I was able to set a boundary of space. He has also done some work and even though he was massively hurt he was able to respect that. It took three months for me to even text and longer to hang out again. A year later and we are doing much better. I've never had an AP friend before, all DAs. 😅. It's nice to explore this side of me. I've never had an AP friend. My boyfriend isn't demanding of time per se, he doesn't text or call all the time but we go back and forth through the day and it's great. It's hard to describe but I mean overbearing in more of an emotional sense. Like if there is conflict and I feel like I can't have a voice. |
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Post by usernametaken on Jan 24, 2022 3:57:23 GMT
That makes complete sense! And it gives me great insight into my ex. Thanks for the dialogue on this.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2022 3:59:15 GMT
Oh and usernametaken it's great that you were able to catch yourself and correct that! Great that you could just establish boundaries and maintain the connection. That's really hard for DA, FA too I'm sure. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2022 4:00:59 GMT
That makes complete sense! And it gives me great insight into my ex. Thanks for the dialogue on this. You bet! It helps me too that you relate to that deactivation feeling. Sometimes I wonder if it's actually normal, isn't that funny. Like that's the way we're just supposed to be. But clearly it inhibits healthy connection in terms of being willing to depend and attach. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2022 4:23:55 GMT
Oh, I was going to add, when I'm deactivated I tend to be a couch potato. Not very motivated, kind of lazy.
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 24, 2022 15:00:42 GMT
Sooo….deactivation feels to me like a need to deal with an overwhelm of stuff coming at me that I don’t have good tools to address. I have a friend who gets high anxiety and when she gets that way there an be a lot of texts….which just feels overwhelming. The last time she did that I said….I needed a nap and would get back to her…which was true because I was feeling really sluggish that day. She apologized for bugging me to which I said my capacity was low and I needed to recharge.
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Post by seeking on Jan 24, 2022 15:45:23 GMT
This conversation is SOOO interesting.
I am definitely a "flipper" I have been FA A Lot in my past. Which I'm realizing more through reading your responses.
My old therapist said I was like a rescue dog (so I get the cat thing)
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Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2022 16:26:35 GMT
This conversation is SOOO interesting. I am definitely a "flipper" I have been FA A Lot in my past. Which I'm realizing more through reading your responses. My old therapist said I was like a rescue dog (so I get the cat thing) Are you able to relate to the feelings and thoughts of deactivation too? What is it like for you? |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 24, 2022 21:14:27 GMT
Just chiming back in…because my earlier response was done while I was experiencing a horrible tummy bug. I absolutely relate to the comment of feeling like a caged cat…I actually used to journal that I felt like a feral cat in a cage. I primarily felt this with God and my mom (interesting how it was primarily those 2).
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Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2022 21:59:37 GMT
Just chiming back in…because my earlier response was done while I was experiencing a horrible tummy bug. I absolutely relate to the comment of feeling like a caged cat…I actually used to journal that I felt like a feral cat in a cage. I primarily felt this with God and my mom (interesting how it was primarily those 2). I feel like my cat seems when she's in her independent space- she could take or leave anything and is mellow and detached. And a bit lazy! |
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Post by seeking on Jan 25, 2022 13:16:20 GMT
This conversation is SOOO interesting. I am definitely a "flipper" I have been FA A Lot in my past. Which I'm realizing more through reading your responses. My old therapist said I was like a rescue dog (so I get the cat thing) Are you able to relate to the feelings and thoughts of deactivation too? What is it like for you? Sorry I've been quick here lately - just crazy busy but always thinking about this stuff and digesting it. Yes, for sure. So last night I was definitely AP and stopped myself (success!) - I'll say more in another thread (on online dating in AP) But I have been FA? DA? Not sure I know the difference. My past relationship - which was YEARS ago now - he noticed every time we got close, I would get "aggressive" (not like physically, more anger) - which I think was activated (in nervous system terms) and like a fight response. And then start a fight. But the truth is, I never felt comfortable with him. In retrospect, I can see now why he wouldn't work for me -- which is still "my stuff' (not his) but it would be that same sense of relief. We'd break up. One time he begged me not to (he had his own disorganized attachment) and begged us to go to therapy. And I said NOPE! -- and then when I was ready to connect, he was gone. And he never came back - no matter what. He'd already reconnected with his ex. I've gone online (dating) in the middle of a relationship. I've yelled at people (like a fear-based yelling that's inexplicable). I was told (by someone not very healthy, granted) I "push people away." But to me it always seemed like there was a good reason? Yet, it felt more like a panic rising up in me and then a need to disconnect. So it seems like a combo of FA and DA. As for last night, and I'll just share more here -- I was instantly panicked in a different way -- I almost forget now because I sorted of quickly retrained myself out of it . . . but someone matched with me on a dating app who feels like a *very* rare type to me that I'm looking for and I felt sort of frozen - and in scarcity mode - like "Of course nothing will come of this." "What do I say?" "Why does this have to happen now?" "Is this the right time?" "Am I really ready?" And then kind of putting him on a pedestal and then feeling like I could fall in love and messaging a friend about him - All that happened in minutes. And then I pulled back and got myself into a better place energetically and "let it go" - what I wrote him - while not bad, at all - didn't feel like my own voice, though. And we had an exchange (which was fine) and then nothing. And it brings up a lot - like how I feel cursed, the universe is cruel, I really am going to end up alone, etc. I actually didn't sleep well at all last night (it was right before bed) and felt like I had a lot of adrenaline/cortisol running through me (it's a stress response). I also remember this part of feeling like my heart not protected was threatening or unsafe. (And noteworthy because I don't often feel my heart; - I've also been through *significant* betrayal) So that's me in real time! When I'm not just sort of coolly intellectual processing. Fun! (and if all this sounds a little borderline, it probably is) |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 25, 2022 14:54:17 GMT
Are you able to relate to the feelings and thoughts of deactivation too? What is it like for you? Sorry I've been quick here lately - just crazy busy but always thinking about this stuff and digesting it. Yes, for sure. So last night I was definitely AP and stopped myself (success!) - I'll say more in another thread (on online dating in AP) But I have been FA? DA? Not sure I know the difference. My past relationship - which was YEARS ago now - he noticed every time we got close, I would get "aggressive" (not like physically, more anger) - which I think was activated (in nervous system terms) and like a fight response. And then start a fight. But the truth is, I never felt comfortable with him. In retrospect, I can see now why he wouldn't work for me -- which is still "my stuff' (not his) but it would be that same sense of relief. We'd break up. One time he begged me not to (he had his own disorganized attachment) and begged us to go to therapy. And I said NOPE! -- and then when I was ready to connect, he was gone. And he never came back - no matter what. He'd already reconnected with his ex. I've gone online (dating) in the middle of a relationship. I've yelled at people (like a fear-based yelling that's inexplicable). I was told (by someone not very healthy, granted) I "push people away." But to me it always seemed like there was a good reason? Yet, it felt more like a panic rising up in me and then a need to disconnect. So it seems like a combo of FA and DA. As for last night, and I'll just share more here -- I was instantly panicked in a different way -- I almost forget now because I sorted of quickly retrained myself out of it . . . but someone matched with me on a dating app who feels like a *very* rare type to me that I'm looking for and I felt sort of frozen - and in scarcity mode - like "Of course nothing will come of this." "What do I say?" "Why does this have to happen now?" "Is this the right time?" "Am I really ready?" And then kind of putting him on a pedestal and then feeling like I could fall in love and messaging a friend about him - All that happened in minutes. And then I pulled back and got myself into a better place energetically and "let it go" - what I wrote him - while not bad, at all - didn't feel like my own voice, though. And we had an exchange (which was fine) and then nothing. And it brings up a lot - like how I feel cursed, the universe is cruel, I really am going to end up alone, etc. I actually didn't sleep well at all last night (it was right before bed) and felt like I had a lot of adrenaline/cortisol running through me (it's a stress response). I also remember this part of feeling like my heart not protected was threatening or unsafe. (And noteworthy because I don't often feel my heart; - I've also been through *significant* betrayal) So that's me in real time! When I'm not just sort of coolly intellectual processing. Fun! (and if all this sounds a little borderline, it probably is) It sounds like deactivation is there but maybe as FA- I don't sense the DA pattern there although it's true we have strategies of each type. But the nervous system activity seems to be more disorganized. |
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Post by usernametaken on Jan 25, 2022 19:53:01 GMT
One of my favorite sources for attachment info believes there are two different types of disorganized attachers. http://instagram.com/p/CR0RVm0LFwV I like her content because it is research based and really compassionate to both sides. It is clear from this that I am an anxious disorganized moving to secure and my ex was avoidant disoganized not moving anywhere. It really helps me put more of our relationship into context. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 25, 2022 21:32:20 GMT
One of my favorite sources for attachment info believes there are two different types of disorganized attachers. http://instagr.am/p/CR0RVm0LFwV I like her content because it is research based and really compassionate to both sides. It is clear from this that I am an anxious disorganized moving to secure and my ex was avoidant disoganized not moving anywhere. It really helps me put more of our relationship into context. Sooo…I will admit…the whole “moving to secure” baffles me. Tests are easy to pass when not triggered and most people can test secure when they are not challenged by an intimate partner who is insecure. How do you determine your journey towards secure? Also….people can lean AP or DA as an FA based on their partner of choice. Case in point….the guy I dated always chose women who liked him first and were AP leaning FAs or APs….whereas I have always chosen DA leaning FAs or Narcs. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 25, 2022 21:48:16 GMT
One of my favorite sources for attachment info believes there are two different types of disorganized attachers. http://instagr.am/p/CR0RVm0LFwV I like her content because it is research based and really compassionate to both sides. It is clear from this that I am an anxious disorganized moving to secure and my ex was avoidant disoganized not moving anywhere. It really helps me put more of our relationship into context. Sooo…I will admit…the whole “moving to secure” baffles me. Tests are easy to pass when not triggered and most people can test secure when they are not challenged by an intimate partner who is insecure. How do you determine your journey towards secure? Also….people can lean AP or DA as an FA based on their partner of choice. Case in point….the guy I dated always chose women who liked him first and were AP leaning FAs or APs….whereas I have always chosen DA leaning FAs or Narcs. I don't use tests although I did one when I came here- I was highest percentage secure with 30 ish? % DA with a little slice of disorganized and a little slice of Anxious. But I am certain I am moving toward secure based on my relationship experiences, noticeable changes internally and in interactions, and the increasing health in our intimate relationship. Real advancement on both sides in responding vs reacting, awareness coupled with building new skills and new coping, improving conflict resolution, increased understanding and empathy, and a change in narrative. I don't know what a test would say but changes noted by myself, my partner, and all my friends and associates support a claim of moving toward secure. |
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