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Post by jordana on Jan 26, 2022 22:37:23 GMT
I was introduced to Attached (the book) by a life coach about 2 years ago. I read through, and discussed with my coach. We came to the conclusion that I was a secure attached style. This was based on our discussions, and what she knew of my divorce, as she was also my divorce coach.
I admit I did not dive onto the book, and i only skimmed it.
I've started to become curious about attachment theory, and took a few online assessments this week. All results say I'm either a FA or DA. I've read the book now too. And it's clear that the assessments are correct.
I'm shaken by this. Honestly, sad too. As faulty as my ex was, I have to admit that being married to me probably was very difficult at times. I've been feeling a lot of guilt over my unacknowledged role in our marriage breakdown.I'm angry at myself for not addressing my attachment issues decades ago.
I'm not sure what to do. I feel like a broken and defective human. How do I change? I'm just starting this and I'm feeling lost. All the online assessments and info say that DA and FA are the worst of all of them, and the most difficult to deal with.
Has anyone else experienced this? Convinced you were a Secure Attached, only to discover it was wrong, and actually a DA. Can I recover?
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Post by anne12 on Jan 27, 2022 3:27:26 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 27, 2022 15:10:43 GMT
Yes, you can heal, and there are therapists who deal specifically with attachment trauma and healing.
Coming to awareness is a painful part of the process but there are rewarding parts of the process as well. Welcome to the boards!
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Post by mrob on Jan 29, 2022 13:32:52 GMT
It’s devastating to find that out at first, but I can tell you it’ll be the single most useful piece of information about yourself you’ll ever find out. Yes, you can change. Haltingly.
Without a doubt, bring here and working through all types of rubbish for the last 5 years has seen more growth in me than years of working with professionals. I’ll probably go back to them with a greater insight, and with real world examples of what’s happened rather than blank looks.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 29, 2022 14:49:19 GMT
I think most avoidants who read that book feel like a broken and defective human, by the way. I haven't read it but that's the feedback I've observed. There are a lot of balanced and compassionate (and realistic, reasonable) resources, many of them referenced here in the "Healing" threads in the general forum. You can also ask for recommendations and will surely get a helpful response.
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 29, 2022 19:47:23 GMT
I was introduced to Attached (the book) by a life coach about 2 years ago. I read through, and discussed with my coach. We came to the conclusion that I was a secure attached style. This was based on our discussions, and what she knew of my divorce, as she was also my divorce coach. I admit I did not dive onto the book, and i only skimmed it. I've started to become curious about attachment theory, and took a few online assessments this week. All results say I'm either a FA or DA. I've read the book now too. And it's clear that the assessments are correct. I'm shaken by this. Honestly, sad too. As faulty as my ex was, I have to admit that being married to me probably was very difficult at times. I've been feeling a lot of guilt over my unacknowledged role in our marriage breakdown.I'm angry at myself for not addressing my attachment issues decades ago. I'm not sure what to do. I feel like a broken and defective human. How do I change? I'm just starting this and I'm feeling lost. All the online assessments and info say that DA and FA are the worst of all of them, and the most difficult to deal with. Has anyone else experienced this? Convinced you were a Secure Attached, only to discover it was wrong, and actually a DA. Can I recover? Welcome…..I read that book when I thought I was AP. Since learning I am FA leaning AP I have not read it. I appreciate the insight on the couple bubble…but I honestly found more help here…here is where I learned about SE therapy…which has truly been the best therapy I have ever gone to. Here is where I learned more about others with FA and DA and AP and even secure. As to all the books etc that see avoidants in a negative light….remember that avoidant can sometimes be used to describe narcissists or even the avoidant personality disorder…..the best thing you can do is to focus on what it is you need. Good luck. |
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Post by alexandra on Jan 29, 2022 20:42:06 GMT
I think most avoidants who read that book feel like a broken and defective human, by the way. I haven't read it but that's the feedback I've observed. There are a lot of balanced and compassionate (and realistic, reasonable) resources, many of them referenced here in the "Healing" threads in the general forum. You can also ask for recommendations and will surely get a helpful response. I haven't read the book either, but comments I've read have been the same. Specifically the main complaint I've seen is that it doesn't really address FA at all, it mostly focuses on DA when it talks about "avoidant", and even then it's more geared towards action-ably helping AP. |
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