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Post by charlii on Feb 3, 2022 19:00:09 GMT
I'm almost a month in from starting to heal from the breakup and I am doing ok--far from perfect overall. Have my moments...But ofc the tape rewinds of the day and the talk.
I realized that the day he broke up with me, he seemed really 'stuck' that I wasn't talking (after him surprise breaking up ; no contact or talk ,etc) but rather crying and later said it would have been 'awkward' to see me cry if he talked earlier as opposed to it happening as I was leaving. FWIW I never saw him be unsympathetic or non -empathetic ever..
Anyway...HE also seemed stuck saying things like "You are not going to say anything?" You have nothing to say?" I just said something like what was I supposed to say and I was processing it all (halfway wanting to implode and in total confusion)
I started to think...Was this his way of even testing me like wanting me to tell him not to break up? After learning what I did about Avoidants..I just keep thinking about it
Like really what goes through their mind in a case like this or am I reading too much into it?
THanks!!
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Post by alexandra on Feb 3, 2022 19:22:42 GMT
You are reading into it too much. People with insecure attachment styles are disconnected from themselves, especially in stressful and emotionally overwhelming moments, and are bad and possibly inconsistent communicators. It's as simple as that.
How have you been doing with learning more about the AP style? Understanding that within yourself, and how it interacts with partners of different attachment types, will give you far more answers.
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Post by charlii on Feb 3, 2022 21:25:22 GMT
THanks  . I have been absorbed in it (AP) actually. lol I had to come up for some air and distract myself with that because that thought kept coming into my mind. The thing is, regardless of this breakup, I have been inquisitive since I was young. Some of this is just truly my personality. And I may be reading into it, but also maybe no. But def bad communicators. |
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Post by alexandra on Feb 4, 2022 3:02:51 GMT
You're looking for hope in the inconsistency.
My guess is you're looking for signs you may have missed that there was something else you could have done and still can do to change his mind. This is common to AP. It happens because there was someone inconsistent in your life when you were young, but it was very important you stayed attached to them since kids need adults to physically survive. When someone is inconsistent in meeting your needs or behaves unforgivably, but you need to accept it and keep them around when you're a child to ensure survival, you'll naturally learn to start blaming yourself. If only I was better, if only I did this, maybe they'd meet my needs. And sometimes, they do meet your needs, so the child begins to look for patterns and then feels they can control someone else's behavior and reactions if they just find the right magic formula. This defense mechanism progression unfortunately stays with the AP into adulthood, where it begins to do more harm than good. It is a natural response for the overwhelmed child, who lacks the emotional maturity as well as other skills and tools, to evolve this way, but no longer serves a good purpose for adults who can physically survive without relying on others. Once it happens to a child and they develop an insecure attachment style, only conscious understanding that you want something different in your life and putting in the effort to get it as an adult can heal the dysfunctional coping mechanisms and make them go away, replaced with new and healthier mature tools. It's not easy, but it is the way forward.
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Post by charlii on Feb 4, 2022 4:42:55 GMT
YEs so strange..I have been analyzing myself and there wasn't anything inconsistent that I can think of. I was a pretty happy kids. I wlll say I got anxious the before this happened. ...due to unrelated major stress . Perhaps that was the inconsistency.
Otherwise I have been secure. And this was pretty relationship was pretty consistent besides the out of the blue breakup.. In fact extremely ridiculous consistent ;/
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 4, 2022 14:58:41 GMT
YEs so strange..I have been analyzing myself and there wasn't anything inconsistent that I can think of. I was a pretty happy kids. I wlll say I got anxious the before this happened. ...due to unrelated major stress . Perhaps that was the inconsistency. Otherwise I have been secure. And this was pretty relationship was pretty consistent besides the out of the blue breakup.. In fact extremely ridiculous consistent ;/ Honestly….based on what I have read…this isn’t secure. Secure doesn’t require trying to read into things or even coming to a message board to figure out another person…secure is consistent talking with each other…being secure to me in a relationship requires both people to consider things from a me, you, us perspective…anything else is simply insecure people trying to avoid stuff. Everyone has me down…what do I need, what do I think you need…..You requires actually asking questions about the other person, supporting that person the way that person wants to be supported, it means asking question instead of making assumptions….us is both people committed to the best…for the relationship. |
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Post by tnr9 on Feb 4, 2022 15:01:02 GMT
And as an AP leaning FA…I recognize the AP questioning and hope in you….there is nothing wrong with having AP….but it does require being honest about what drives your behaviors in relationships.
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Post by charlii on Feb 4, 2022 16:22:37 GMT
Oh. yes.I agree. I am not Secure right now. I mostly was ...little bit sometimes anxious bu not too bad
I do think outside stress BEFOER the break up this caused it. This breakup has it overdrive.
And yes I came her originally to see 'what happened' and in that discovered it was not a one sided blame..I found the reason why he felt I was asking too much about a sensitive topic and I also found that my insecurity/anxiety was behind that. However, I was not asking about his problem specifically..So his facts are a little off and he never communiaetd that. I communicated (are you ok, we doing this right, is it helping, etc) and did not communicate his needs and told me all was fine. That is a huge fault. And waht I termed maniupulation on my breakup argument.Bc I was just angry.
Besides that...His real issue stems from his 'problem' early last summer, which in his eyes destroyed it all ('Everything (us) important him)
. He is stuck on it and how he feels about that and his guilt and keeps saying he rally does have a valid reason.
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Post by alexandra on Feb 4, 2022 19:17:00 GMT
You need to listen to him and believe what he says. Even if he sounds confused or like there are other reasons, the outcome is the same. He cannot do the relationship you want or deserve. He is inconsistent: he cannot be truly or consistently vulnerable with you in spite of saying he wants to be (actions, words, and feelings all don't match), he is aware he has issues but doesn't do anything about them (words and actions don't match), he seems to want to be close and says so but pulls away and eventually breaks up instead (words and actions don't match).
You need to listen to what he says he wants and accept it. It doesn't matter why when at least part of it is entirely due to his issues. You didn't cause those, you can't change those. You may not even be able to understand them as they are different issues than you have yourself, so you think and experience your life differently, and approach life differently, you both have different needs, and those differences are not compatible. Which is okay, it's not anyone's fault, it just is.
These are the important takeaways.
We also try not to make lots of new threads about the same exact topics and questions on this forum from the same poster, as it makes it difficult to get the full view when the questions and details are spread out all over on different parts of the board. Keeping them focused and within the same thread is far less confusing and allows for better feedback.
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Post by annieb on Feb 4, 2022 19:19:06 GMT
Hey charlii, I am sorry you are going through this anguish. We've all been there believe it or not. What has helped in the past is to completely reframe your focus and put it all back on you. Understand that these are all your thoughts you are thinking and ruminating and that as much as you want to put the power of how this is all playing out on him, you will absolutely need to reel it back in and focus on your own sh*t. He may or may not have tried to manipulate the outcome and surely he is dealing with his own issues that didn't help, but what's most important to focus on is you. It may be helpful to look into Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and while you may not be experiencing all of the symptoms, it may be helpful to see that in some ways you are framing something as a "rejection", when it is not a rejection at all. For all we know an avoidant may feel inadequate and retreat rather than reject you. And while it may feel like a rejection (and we tend to frame this in a self centered way), we need to do our best to soothe ourselves now. It is a breakup and this is a good time to take really good care of yourself. See if you can get back to hobbies and interests you had before you met him, and get back to charlii. "Secure" or "insecure", it doesn't really matter. What matters is soothed, taken care of, loved and supported charlii; and figure out what support is out there for you. Now is the time to reach out to that support.
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Post by charlii on Feb 5, 2022 18:46:05 GMT
Hey charlii, I am sorry you are going through this anguish. We've all been there believe it or not. What has helped in the past is to completely reframe your focus and put it all back on you. Understand that these are all your thoughts you are thinking and ruminating and that as much as you want to put the power of how this is all playing out on him, you will absolutely need to reel it back in and focus on your own sh*t. He may or may not have tried to manipulate the outcome and surely he is dealing with his own issues that didn't help, but what's most important to focus on is you. It may be helpful to look into Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and while you may not be experiencing all of the symptoms, it may be helpful to see that in some ways you are framing something as a "rejection", when it is not a rejection at all. For all we know an avoidant may feel inadequate and retreat rather than reject you. And while it may feel like a rejection (and we tend to frame this in a self centered way), we need to do our best to soothe ourselves now. It is a breakup and this is a good time to take really good care of yourself. See if you can get back to hobbies and interests you had before you met him, and get back to charlii. "Secure" or "insecure", it doesn't really matter. What matters is soothed, taken care of, loved and supported charlii; and figure out what support is out there for you. Now is the time to reach out to that support. Thank you for the words. I did look that up I love to learn. I'm def looking at my own crap lol. I think there is a tendency to come on here an dig into the other side but in my own time, which is most of the time, I am working on my own crap . Sometimes these are the breakthrough moments when you take a break from yourself. It only has been 1 month. Im doing ok considering. I def think I have been self centered...which was that realization initially that made me want to write to say look, you have problems, but I didn't help in this one case. Still, I neer sent the letter nor contacted which was a step for me. I've got tons of support and def doing me still. Thanks!! |
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Post by annieb on Feb 7, 2022 18:11:54 GMT
Good for you for wanting to grow and looking things up and hashing it all out here. We are all here to grow and change and choose better for ourselves next time. When you say “it didn’t work this time”, when you looked at your sh*t. Do you mean that if you looked at your sh*t hard enough, he would have stayed? I would like to challenged that thought. Because had your looked at your sh*t, it is you who probably wouldn’t have stayed with him past his first shenanigans.
I’ve myself (although I most often have tested FA), have gotten stuck in the negative validation traps (perhaps more like an AP would) with men I’ve dated and have even broken up. The last man I was involved with, before I met the guy I’m currently dating, I was stuck on for a good six months after the breakup. And it took a lot of help from this forum for me to realize that I was the one keeping me stuck there, and that his shenanigans, while they were annoying, didn’t really say anything about me.
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Post by charlii on Feb 8, 2022 2:05:03 GMT
Good for you for wanting to grow and looking things up and hashing it all out here. We are all here to grow and change and choose better for ourselves next time. When you say “it didn’t work this time”, when you looked at your sh*t. Do you mean that if you looked at your sh*t hard enough, he would have stayed? I would like to challenged that thought. Because had your looked at your sh*t, it is you who probably wouldn’t have stayed with him past his first shenanigans. I’ve myself (although I most often have tested FA), have gotten stuck in the negative validation traps (perhaps more like an AP would) with men I’ve dated and have even broken up. The last man I was involved with, before I met the guy I’m currently dating, I was stuck on for a good six months after the breakup. And it took a lot of help from this forum for me to realize that I was the one keeping me stuck there, and that his shenanigans, while they were annoying, didn’t really say anything about me. No I mean that I wasn't looking at me...meaning in my stance/relationship I was 'correct'/right thinking in being on the anxious end versus him being wrong on the avoidant end. But it's not like that I realize. What I realized after is that both are doing the same things just in different ways. My way wasn't more right. The old me would think : it's odd not to want to share, versus him being private. Although, I have to say we def helped each other grow that way. He was getting better and I was getting ok with just accepting how people are that are different than me.(and just have a harder tine to share). I would even ask him if it's something personal or private...or me. And he wold always clarify so I didn't worry and then I moved on. I don't think he would have stayed..but I think if I knew more about these attachments--I would have asked him thing differently, or just let him know things were ok if he was having a hard time or needed space. Hell I would have offered it bc at times he was more clingy than me. And I do like some space too. I know his issue was his issue, and he tried to make that clear (related to the problem). Our last day just didn't sit well with me. Some of the things were so maniupulative and narcism traits/comments it was like a different person than I knew. I feel as if he knew his potential to be rude/bad, bc he kept saying over time this is all really selfish of him, he loves me too much to bring me down with what he has going on. This is when things are fine,..It must have been on his mind. And the reason I stayed first time. When someone you care about tells you they have a 'problem' and that is why they need to break up, bc it's not healthy for the relationship and he can't be in one with tihis problem affecting him, your mind thinks all kinds of things bc of the uncertainty..Depression, addiction, etc. So you want to stick by that person. That is why I originally stayed. I started to think abuse or something the way her guarded it. It became such the secret I started to get paranoid (yes personalizing it bc I was anxious)... IT wasn't till later that I finally realized it was not about me at all. Even tho he told me that in different ways. He can't get past what it (problem of his) did to us so sadly now we have huge lessons to deal with apart. I do get sad if I think about the new and improved each of us will become.....and someone else gets that benefit someday. |
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. I have been absorbed in it (AP) actually. lol I had to come up for some air and distract myself with that because that thought kept coming into my mind.
