Why do we lie ? And how to handle lies

www.forbes.com/2010/05/13/body-language-lie-physical-tics-forbes-woman-well-being-workplace.html

Turns out we were wrong. At least half the time. A landmark study by Paul Ekman, Ph.D., a pioneer in the study of lying and author of What the Face Reveals and Why Kids Lie, shows that, despite what we think we know, most people are only 50% successful at "catching" a liar. Ekman, who acts as a consultant on the FOX show Lie To Me, says that while we are much worse at detecting lies than we would like to admit, there are certain physical tics that give clues of trustworthiness or deception that can be seen by the trained eye.

"Humans learn in early childhood to manipulate facial emotions to make them appropriate to a given social situation which, in time, allows them to engage in deceitful behavior," says Calin Prodan, MD, a resident at the University of Oklahoma Health Sciences Center in Oklahoma City. And it stays with us from the schoolyard to the workplace. "For example, a person who is angry with their superior may display a 'social' smile rather than an angry scowl when asking for a raise."

In the study of deception, Ekman looks for micro-expressions, facial clues almost imperceptible to the untrained eye, and mini-expressions, signs that give away a person's true feelings or the meaning behind what they are saying.

"Body messages are hidden in plain sight," agrees Elaine Wilkes, Ph.D., a therapist and author of Nature's Secret Messages: Hidden In Plain Sight. "You have to look for them." Both Wilkes and Ekman use examples of someone who verbally says yes but physically says no. "I notice that often when someone says 'Yes, I can get that done on deadline,' there is a slight shake of the head," Wilkes says. "Once I see that, I know there's no way."

Watch Those Lying Eyes

"Perhaps the old adage, 'The eyes are the windows to the soul,' may be correct," says Prodan. There are three common tells linking lying to eye contact: excessive blinking, eyes moving to the left and lack of eye contact

Rapid blinking and lacking contact reveal a struggling brain. Put simply, telling the truth is a much easier task for the brain to execute, and this person is outside of their comfort zone. But perhaps the most well-known signal of lying is that a person will look up or to the left when speaking. The right side of the brain--where imagination rules and risk-taking is sparked--is linked to the left side of the body.

Beware of Barriers

In the study of body language, a barrier or physical blockade is something put up to protect or distance one person from others. Its root psychology is, once again, discomfort. Look for folded arms, one knee crossed over the other to widen the distance between two people or props. A coffee cup placed on a desk, a file folder held near the stomach or a strategically placed desk chair are all barriers that can be found in the workplace and should be watched.

Handy Behavior

When people put their hands to their mouths when speaking, it is an indicator that they are unsure of the words they are speaking, says Wilke. Similarly, the medical and psychological communities agree that the left hand (or left side, again, ruled by the right hemisphere of the brain) is linked to a person's sense of self. That's helpful news when talking to someone whose left hand stays tucked into a pocket or behind a back, particularly in a corporate setting. "When asking for a raise and hoping for an honest answer, I wouldn't feel comfortable unless the left hand is displayed openly," says Wilke.

While body language, micro-expressions and eye contact can be watched for signals of deceit and dishonesty, the most accurate reading comes from long-term study of the face and body for baseline behavior--what is "normal" body language for a person. “The body speaks the mind,” says Wilkes. “And the body doesn't lie."

www.huffpost.com/entry/how-to-tell-partner-you-lied_l_5e0f76d6e4b0b2520d20d9bd

Pick the right time.
Timing is everything with this. If you know your spouse has a big work presentation the next day, table the talk. If they’re in the middle of cooking dinner, wait then, too. You want them to be in a relaxed and chilled-out mode, Whetstone said.
“Your first choice is not to spring it on your mate out of the blue, but to wait until the subject comes up organically,” she said. “For instance, your partner mentions shopping for new tires for his convertible and you confess in a light-hearted way that you replaced one of the tires yourself recently when you bumped a curb and blew out one of the old ones. Whoops.”
Delivery matters. Don’t dump information, and don’t be overly dramatic.
Once you’ve decided to share, you’ll probably be in a rush to get it off your chest. But handle things with care. Simply blurting out the truth without any consideration of how it will impact your partner is a rookie mistake, said Kurt Smith, a therapist in Roseville, California.
“Take a few minutes to think ahead of time how you’ll phrase what you’re going to say so it’s received as best as possible,” he said. “Knowing your partner, how do you think they’ll take this news? Adjust your message and the timing of it accordingly.”
Also, don’t be overly dramatic if you’re truly dealing with a small-time lie.
“Telling your partner you’ve got something you need to tell them or saying something like ‘We really need to talk’ can create an expectation that it’s going to be really bad,” Smith said. “They’ll better receive what you’re going to tell them if you deliver it more naturally. So share your lie as part of a conversation as opposed to the ‘big talk.’”

Actually apologize.
This one seems like a no-brainer but it’s amazing how often this step is overlooked, Smith said.
“If you’ve lied to or deceived your partner, then you should say, ‘I’m sorry’ and add a description to the end of it of why you’re sorry,” he said. “The humility and strength it takes to say these two words can go a long way in helping your partner hear and accept your confession

Treat it with the seriousness it deserves.
A big-time lie deserves big-time humility. While the goal with a smaller lie is to admit to it without overstating it, with a weightier lie, you shouldn’t minimize any of it. Characterize it as the big deal that it is, and be prepared for an intense reaction from your partner, Whetstone said.
“A stance of ownership and humility must be maintained, as any sort of defense will likely intensify the reaction of the other person and do more damage,” she said. “Treat it with seriousness, then dedicate yourself to transparency, change and redemption.”
Use the Oreo method.
When it comes to confessing a lie, no matter the severity, marriage and family therapist Sheri Meyers is a big believer in the ‘Oreo’ method: You start with a chocolate cookie ― aka, something to soften the blow: “I love you and I’m telling you this because I want for us to have a strong, loving, honest relationship. I hate secrets and lies,” for instance. Then, get into the filling ― the admission of your lie, error, hurtful behavior or guilt.

Tell your partner what happened and why,” Meyers said. “At this point, spare your partner the gory details. Reactions and questions will come up later to be answered and dealt with.”
Close with another chocolate cookie, or positive remark or action.
“Start with love. Take responsibility for what you know is wrong. Express regret and then express your desire to make things right,” she said. “Close with love. Say, ‘There is no excuse for my behavior. It is my fault. I want to focus on making our relationship stronger and better than ever.’”
Don’t blame or deflect.
When backed into a corner ― even if we’re there by our own doing― the natural response is to try to justify our behavior. But in doing so, we often deflect blame. (“I cheated on you because you haven’t been emotionally available to me since we had the baby.”) Don’t do that, Smith said.
“It’s always helpful to give an explanation to help your partner make some sense of what you’re disclosing, just be sure not to blame them for it — even if they were an influence,” he said. “Fully own your behavior, and your dishonesty is going to be better received.”

Have a game plan for after you divulge.
Your partner’s reaction to your admission may catch you by surprise. Plan for the best-case scenario and the worst one in the aftermath of this conversation, said Liz Higgins, an individual and couples therapist who works primarily with millennials.

Have concrete actions in mind that you can begin doing immediately that would show your partner you’re serious about making healthy changes [going] forward,” she said. “And recognize that, no matter what you decide to be proactive about, your partner is still entitled to their own emotions and decisions around what they need to do, too.”
Don’t feel like you have to go it alone, either. Consider looking up names of therapists in case you both decide you want professional help following the revelation, Higgins said.
“You’ll need to explore what led you to lie versus share the truth, and realize that this may be more about you than anything lacking in your relationship,” she said. “Therapy can help with this.”
Know that it will likely get better.
This might feel like a low point in your relationship, but if the two of you commit to working through the issue, it can only get better from there. When we’re hiding something or outright lying, it inevitably affects our mood, behavior and communication, Smith said.

When you rid yourself of the burden of a lie, it’s freeing ― you can be transparent and you again ― and positive for your relationship with your partner. Plus, he said, honesty builds intimacy.

“When we’re honest with our partner, it builds connection,” he said.“Our relationship is strengthened and deepened by being truthful as well as being real that we make mistakes and aren’t perfect.”