cate
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Post by cate on Nov 21, 2017 17:22:33 GMT
I first saw this movie years ago and liked it. I saw it again recently and it really resonated with me in a different way since I had just broken up with a FA.
Will Hunting is a classic FA and the movie even states this. That he pushes people away before they can abandon him. There’s also a scene where he freaks because his GF says she loves him and wants him to come to CA with him. He even goes so far as to say he doesn’t love her to get her to break up with him.
Of course the movie has a rosy ending - he has a break though with his therapist and then goes off in search of his ex for a happy reunion. I admit I had hopes of that happy ending but know it’s untealistic.
It also makes me wonder how many avoidants also have an underlying trauma like Will who was physically abused. Many victims of trauma have intimacy issues so I wonder about the overlap.
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Post by stellar1969 on Nov 21, 2017 17:38:44 GMT
I think Avoidants had childhoods where they viewed love as unsafe. My DA has an unhealthy connection with his Mother. We have spoken about her, but classically, he has little recollection of his early years. I know she cheated on his Dad and my counselor guesses that she was an alcoholic and has some NPD behaviors. It makes sense since his fantasy woman is a similar person to his Mother. I am loving, safe, available, therefore very Scary.
Ap's, like me, grew up being abused too, but I wonder if we were neglected more than overwhelmed. I yearn for contact and love. Love is also unsafe in my mind, but it shows up differently.
I am not with that DA anymore, been two months. I am taking time to heal my childhood issues since I don't want the drama. I want a healthy situation.
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cate
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Post by cate on Nov 21, 2017 19:43:03 GMT
Stellar - I’m with you. It’s been a month since I left mine after three tumultuous years. I miss him every day but I know it can’t work until he gets help. He is a sweet but deeply troubled soul. And it’s in my nature to want to help him.
Mine does not have a fantasy ex. According to him - all his exes were crazy. Which - red flag! But I think I may have been first person to truly love him and be patient and all those other things. So yes I’m very scary to him.
It’s frustrating because mine has moments of self awareness where he knows he has issues. He has said to me repeatedly that I put up with a lot. But he never crosses line to get that help.
He did contact me about 2 weeks after our break up and asked if I wanted to take a trip saying he didn’t want to leave things on a bad note between us (even though our parting was not ugly - it was quite civil if painful) I was tempted but said no. I’m not ready for friendship.
I, too, am taking this time for healing and self discovery. It has been painful but in my gut I know this was the best choice for now.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2017 20:50:02 GMT
Stellar - I’m with you. It’s been a month since I left mine after three tumultuous years. I miss him every day but I know it can’t work until he gets help. He is a sweet but deeply troubled soul. And it’s in my nature to want to help him. Mine does not have a fantasy ex. According to him - all his exes were crazy. Which - red flag! But I think I may have been first person to truly love him and be patient and all those other things. So yes I’m very scary to him. It’s frustrating because mine has moments of self awareness where he knows he has issues. He has said to me repeatedly that I put up with a lot. But he never crosses line to get that help. He did contact me about 2 weeks after our break up and asked if I wanted to take a trip saying he didn’t want to leave things on a bad note between us (even though our parting was not ugly - it was quite civil if painful) I was tempted but said no. I’m not ready for friendship. I, too, am taking this time for healing and self discovery. It has been painful but in my gut I know this was the best choice for now. Sounds like a mirror image of my relationship - and I made the same choice. It is really really hard to do - and glad your gut is keeping you grounded in your decision through all the pain. I may be wrong but I am not sure if all the patience in the world will heal these people - instead I think being honest and then letting them find their own way might be the only chance they have to even think about getting help. Whilst they are happy with the patient and attentive partners that so many of us have been, to some extent we are enabling the disfunction and finding our voice and speaking with integrity is the right thing for us - and maybe in the long term the most helpful thing for them. Sadly I am sure many don't go and look for help - but those that do are more likely to do so when they hit rock bottom so to speak and begin to realise that there really is an issue with their way of relating. |
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Post by stellar1969 on Nov 21, 2017 21:32:20 GMT
Ocarina,
I completely agree that we are enabling poor behavior by being too understanding and patient. The last straw for me was just his inability to return a text when I asked about our plans for a date that night. A date I knew was probably not going to happen, but he never communicated that and I don't want to enable him by being a mind reader. Something inside of me snapped and I realized that if I let this behavior be okay, then other poor behavior will follow. We already only saw one another three times a month on average. I didn't want to find out what allowing his silence would create in the future. So, our ending was non eventful, non dramatic. He had no part in it. I asked for him to step up and start being more communicative and respectful. I never got an answer. You know my story though, but today is two months since I last saw him and I am in pain. Writing is helpful. Getting support here is helpful.
I did text him today. I wrote that I feel as if I don't exist to him anymore and how does that even happen? You can guess I got nothing in response.
I know he is unable to reach out, but it doesn't seem to settle in, that truth.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2017 22:02:08 GMT
Ocarina, I completely agree that we are enabling poor behavior by being too understanding and patient. The last straw for me was just his inability to return a text when I asked about our plans for a date that night. A date I knew was probably not going to happen, but he never communicated that and I don't want to enable him by being a mind reader. Something inside of me snapped and I realized that if I let this behavior be okay, then other poor behavior will follow. We already only saw one another three times a month on average. I didn't want to find out what allowing his silence would create in the future. So, our ending was non eventful, non dramatic. He had no part in it. I asked for him to step up and start being more communicative and respectful. I never got an answer. You know my story though, but today is two months since I last saw him and I am in pain. Writing is helpful. Getting support here is helpful. I did text him today. I wrote that I feel as if I don't exist to him anymore and how does that even happen? You can guess I got nothing in response. I know he is unable to reach out, but it doesn't seem to settle in, that truth. You should be proud of finding your voice Stella - to be honest, if speaking your truth causes this kind of withdrawal this speaks volumes about your partner and his issues and nothing about you. Existing for yourself is the most important thing - and if being with him meant being small and withholding your feelings, then in the long term you would be giving yourself and your happiness away. It's difficult to climb out from this kind of pit - but it can be done. Feelings come and go - tomorrow will be another day, live in tiny steps in the present moment and you'll get there. |
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cate
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Post by cate on Nov 22, 2017 0:15:55 GMT
StellaR - my heart breaks for both is us. So much pain - all because we loved someone incapable of it. My heart breaks for them too. Whatever happened to make them this way - they should have had better and safer adults in their lives.
But that’s not an excuse
My break up was similar to yours. Nothing dramatic. Just me sharing my feelings and truth. I asked if he was ‘in this’ because I have felt him pulling away. He said he was not ready to give me what I wanted and I deserved better. He also said he liked lots of independence. He didn’t want to break up - just reduce our time together which was ridiculous. So I ripped the band aid off.
At least he responded to me. I am sorry yours just disappeared. Ironically when my ex texted me last week he said I was taking the whole independence thing to extreme. Like he wanted independence- just not this much. Again it’s his comfort zone that dictates.
As Ocarina said - staying meant my needs would always be secondary. My feelings. My desire. My dreams. And that’s not fair to me. I do deserve better.
I tell myself hat every day but I still miss him every day. I still want to text him but nothing will change. It’s just getting back on the same ride.
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Post by cricket on Dec 1, 2017 23:15:15 GMT
Yes! Will is just like my former DA except he never came running after me cuz he never had an epiphany about us. But his history of abuse is definitely an overlap and the reason for our attachment issues. Mine was abused and had a lot of emotional trauma. We haven't seen or sp9ken in almost 3 months now. I am accepting that this time it is really done because I am done being treated like that but I still think of him everyday unfortunately.
But going to therapy has helped me see how out attachment styles were what kept out attraction going for so long and dwelling so strongly about it. I am focusing on the reality of what transpired between not just my misguided feelings.
Reading everyone's stories here does help a lot.
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