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Post by Themimms on Mar 22, 2022 16:47:19 GMT
Lately I've been seeing someone that is:
Caring, taking initiative, showing affection, being sensitive emotionally in discussions, vulnerable, telling me it's been a while since he felt like this and is walking on a cloud/falling for me, making sure we always have time together, giving me thoughtful gifts, noticing straight away when something's wrong with me and comforting me and emotionally in tune.
Actually a lot more emotionally in tune than previous exes and things just feel natural.
There's one catch though...
Always when we're having good moments, he'll mention things like "you're going to hurt me", "you're going to f me up", "it'll be so tough to be able to complete X, Y, Z if you leave me", "after this sort of romance ends there'll be sadness for us both so that'll be tough", "it won't be fun to revisit this place (coffee place e.g.) when we've ended things", "maybe I'll hurt you" and referring to hurt and a future break.
He's also mentioned that he's terrified of commitment and not good at relationships.
Is this my first FA? He doesn't feel like the DAs I've experienced in the sense that he comes across more anxious, and more open to talk about feelings. But he's also planting these negative thoughts/doubts in my head that I wouldn't be thinking otherwise, sort of ruining beautiful moments by almost warning me and then talking about "what a dream it was last night...". Is it some sort of self-sabotaging, emotional unavailability, or what is this?
Also, do I "take him for his word" regarding that he's scared and talking about our end all the time as red flag enough to say it's gonna be a self fulfilling prophecy by him? Or is this something that you think can be worked out together? I go into full on red flag alert by those comments, thinking it's some sort of fear of abondonment self sabotaging FA behavior that will go bad no matter what happens
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Post by cherrycola on Mar 22, 2022 17:05:49 GMT
Lately I've been seeing someone that is: Caring, taking initiative, showing affection, being sensitive emotionally in discussions, vulnerable, telling me it's been a while since he felt like this and is walking on a cloud/falling for me, making sure we always have time together, giving me thoughtful gifts, noticing straight away when something's wrong with me and comforting me and emotionally in tune. Actually a lot more emotionally in tune than previous exes and things just feel natural. There's one catch though... Always when we're having good moments, he'll mention things like "you're going to hurt me", "you're going to f me up", "it'll be so tough to be able to complete X, Y, Z if you leave me", "after this sort of romance ends there'll be sadness for us both so that'll be tough", "it won't be fun to revisit this place (coffee place e.g.) when we've ended things", "maybe I'll hurt you" and referring to hurt and a future break. He's also mentioned that he's terrified of commitment and not good at relationships. Is this my first FA? He doesn't feel like the DAs I've experienced in the sense that he comes across more anxious, and more open to talk about feelings. But he's also planting these negative thoughts/doubts in my head that I wouldn't be thinking otherwise, sort of ruining beautiful moments by almost warning me and then talking about "what a dream it was last night...". Is it some sort of self-sabotaging, emotional unavailability, or what is this? Also, do I "take him for his word" regarding that he's scared and talking about our end all the time as red flag enough to say it's gonna be a self fulfilling prophecy by him? Or is this something that you think can be worked out together? I go into full on red flag alert by those comments, thinking it's some sort of fear of abondonment self sabotaging FA behavior that will go bad no matter what happens I would think his relationship history here would be telling. How long were they. Why did they end?. What did he learn from them ending? I would proceed with caution. When someone tells you things that make their life harder, you should believe them. |
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Post by ctlguy260 on Mar 23, 2022 1:01:08 GMT
Lately I've been seeing someone that is: Caring, taking initiative, showing affection, being sensitive emotionally in discussions, vulnerable, telling me it's been a while since he felt like this and is walking on a cloud/falling for me, making sure we always have time together, giving me thoughtful gifts, noticing straight away when something's wrong with me and comforting me and emotionally in tune. Actually a lot more emotionally in tune than previous exes and things just feel natural. There's one catch though... Always when we're having good moments, he'll mention things like "you're going to hurt me", "you're going to f me up", "it'll be so tough to be able to complete X, Y, Z if you leave me", "after this sort of romance ends there'll be sadness for us both so that'll be tough", "it won't be fun to revisit this place (coffee place e.g.) when we've ended things", "maybe I'll hurt you" and referring to hurt and a future break. He's also mentioned that he's terrified of commitment and not good at relationships. Is this my first FA? He doesn't feel like the DAs I've experienced in the sense that he comes across more anxious, and more open to talk about feelings. But he's also planting these negative thoughts/doubts in my head that I wouldn't be thinking otherwise, sort of ruining beautiful moments by almost warning me and then talking about "what a dream it was last night...". Is it some sort of self-sabotaging, emotional unavailability, or what is this? Also, do I "take him for his word" regarding that he's scared and talking about our end all the time as red flag enough to say it's gonna be a self fulfilling prophecy by him? Or is this something that you think can be worked out together? I go into full on red flag alert by those comments, thinking it's some sort of fear of abondonment self sabotaging FA behavior that will go bad no matter what happens I would think his relationship history here would be telling. How long were they. Why did they end?. What did he learn from them ending? I would proceed with caution. When someone tells you things that make their life harder, you should believe them. I have abandonment issues and I am a classic AAS. I am very open emotionally and vulnerable so this is tough to pin point him as an FA imho. |
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Post by alexandra on Mar 23, 2022 1:46:39 GMT
Themimms, I do think there's a lot here that suggests FA issues. However, no matter his attachment style, this is a gigantic blowing red flag if you're looking for a serious boyfriend: "He's also mentioned that he's terrified of commitment and not good at relationships." I know he has a lot of good qualities, but in all my dating experience, someone saying anything like this is game over. "You're too good for me" is a close second, and "I never feel this way, you're not like the others" is up there as well. Your instincts are going off correctly, because when someone tells you how they are, you should believe them and decide how you feel about the information. When I say game over, I should have walked away in any situation like this because the person was telling me who they were without actually taking any actual responsibility for it. It's like when someone apologizes but then does the same thing again and again, and the verbal apologies clearly don't mean anything. That doesn't mean it's definitely a lost cause 100%. Ask yourself (and maybe him) the honest answers to these questions: has he done any work on his relationship skills and overcoming his commitment fears? Does he have a growth / self-improvement mindset? Does he understand why he has these issues, or is it a surface minimum of him being aware that something is wrong without doing anything more than that? If someone is insecure, they can change, so it's not an issue of writing them off because they have issues... but have they already done any work on it or are they going to carelessly take all their baggage out on you?
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Post by Themimms on Mar 23, 2022 7:10:18 GMT
Themimms , I do think there's a lot here that suggests FA issues. However, no matter his attachment style, this is a gigantic blowing red flag if you're looking for a serious boyfriend: "He's also mentioned that he's terrified of commitment and not good at relationships." I know he has a lot of good qualities, but in all my dating experience, someone saying anything like this is game over. "You're too good for me" is a close second, and "I never feel this way, you're not like the others" is up there as well. Your instincts are going off correctly, because when someone tells you how they are, you should believe them and decide how you feel about the information. When I say game over, I should have walked away in any situation like this because the person was telling me who they were without actually taking any actual responsibility for it. It's like when someone apologizes but then does the same thing again and again, and the verbal apologies clearly don't mean anything. That doesn't mean it's definitely a lost cause 100%. Ask yourself (and maybe him) the honest answers to these questions: has he done any work on his relationship skills and overcoming his commitment fears? Does he have a growth / self-improvement mindset? Does he understand why he has these issues, or is it a surface minimum of him being aware that something is wrong without doing anything more than that? If someone is insecure, they can change, so it's not an issue of writing them off because they have issues... but have they already done any work on it or are they going to carelessly take all their baggage out on you? Yes, it's odd but when he says he's bad at relationships I do get the feeling he wants to be with me. He's not a player or the classic type of bread crumber, and based on all the affection I'm receiving. He comes across anxious. But my gut tells me maybe it's a warning for what's to come, that he know he means trouble down the road? |
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 23, 2022 8:02:21 GMT
Themimms , I do think there's a lot here that suggests FA issues. However, no matter his attachment style, this is a gigantic blowing red flag if you're looking for a serious boyfriend: "He's also mentioned that he's terrified of commitment and not good at relationships." I know he has a lot of good qualities, but in all my dating experience, someone saying anything like this is game over. "You're too good for me" is a close second, and "I never feel this way, you're not like the others" is up there as well. Your instincts are going off correctly, because when someone tells you how they are, you should believe them and decide how you feel about the information. When I say game over, I should have walked away in any situation like this because the person was telling me who they were without actually taking any actual responsibility for it. It's like when someone apologizes but then does the same thing again and again, and the verbal apologies clearly don't mean anything. That doesn't mean it's definitely a lost cause 100%. Ask yourself (and maybe him) the honest answers to these questions: has he done any work on his relationship skills and overcoming his commitment fears? Does he have a growth / self-improvement mindset? Does he understand why he has these issues, or is it a surface minimum of him being aware that something is wrong without doing anything more than that? If someone is insecure, they can change, so it's not an issue of writing them off because they have issues... but have they already done any work on it or are they going to carelessly take all their baggage out on you? Yes, it's odd but when he says he's bad at relationships I do get the feeling he wants to be with me. He's not a player or the classic type of bread crumber, and based on all the affection I'm receiving. He comes across anxious. But my gut tells me maybe it's a warning for what's to come, that he know he means trouble down the road? He can want to be with you but also know that his attachment issues will cause problems for a committed relationship. Basically….he is “torn”….wants to be with you but knows he can’t give you what you want long term. I know it can sound like a “challenge”…ie….he has issues and I can be the “exception”….that actually happens a lot o this site and unfortunately it just doesn’t work. Take him at his word. I am FA and I know where he is coming from….this is not a player behavior…this is someone who knows himself and is trying to warn you about his limitations in relationships. |
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Post by alexandra on Mar 23, 2022 8:08:08 GMT
Yes, it's odd but when he says he's bad at relationships I do get the feeling he wants to be with me. He's not a player or the classic type of bread crumber, and based on all the affection I'm receiving. He comes across anxious. But my gut tells me maybe it's a warning for what's to come, that he know he means trouble down the road? This doesn't answer any of the questions though... he can both be terrible at relationships and not be a player. If he knows he's terrible, has he thrown up his hands and decided that's just who he is, or has he gone to therapy or done any research or introspection to become a better romantic partner in general? This isn't about his feelings for you. You can like someone, care about them, love them! but not like yourself or have dealt with your issues and trauma enough to be a steady partner to them. |
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Post by Themimms on Mar 23, 2022 11:45:24 GMT
Clear! I'm going to ask him then for more clarification, and based on the info proceed with caution or drop it!
I guess it comes down to if he shows a lot of insight/maturity/understanding and being busy with working on his issues or not? Or if the fears are related to some specific event in a past relationship?
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