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Post by stellar1969 on Nov 23, 2017 20:49:36 GMT
This is something that has been spoken of a lot in various threads. I wanted to isolate this specific behavior and see what people think.
I ended things with my DA about 6 weeks ago. I sent a letter to communicate my needs and desires since he was not communicating with me.
He never responded, but I am sure he knows I am displeased and done. I don't want to make any assumptions, but I'm not being given any information.
He has just vanished. He responded to one text, asking if he had received the letter. It had been delivered to his Dads. It was there, yes.
I feel very unhappy about how this all ended. I know many of us are going through this. I need to hear more about this crazy phenomenon.
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Post by serene13 on Nov 23, 2017 21:37:23 GMT
The one I knew said he could walk away, leave, go no contact with someone and not feel any sense of loss - never feels it. I believe that avoidants feel something but don't know how to label it.
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Post by scheme00 on Nov 24, 2017 5:47:19 GMT
I've read up on you're other threads through the past week. It seems like you are searching for some explanation so that you can understand to move on. But you will never understand it. You do not form relationships the same way. You are trying so hard to understand how he could do it. This is how they operate. If you can not look at the situation and understand that he was not able to get attached to you and that he never opens up enough to truly be intimate then you may need to look deeper into your own unmet needs stemming from your childhood. Once you clear that up, you will be able to see that he can not connect the same way, grieve it for an amount of time and move on. I hope you do not stay "stuck" in this cycle of trying to understand and rationalize his behavior. Because you may be there forever and will never get an answer.
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Post by stellar1969 on Nov 24, 2017 6:10:35 GMT
I've read up on you're other threads through the past week. It seems like you are searching for some explanation so that you can understand to move on. But you will never understand it. You do not form relationships the same way. You are trying so hard to understand how he could do it. This is how they operate. If you can not look at the situation and understand that he was not able to get attached to you and that he never opens up enough to truly be intimate then you may need to look deeper into your own unmet needs stemming from your childhood. Once you clear that up, you will be able to see that he can not connect the same way, grieve it for an amount of time and move on. I hope you do not stay "stuck" in this cycle of trying to understand and rationalize his behavior. Because you may be there forever and will never get an answer. Ouch. True words Sir. I am having a rough time of this. I love him. Perhaps a bit more time will help. I am delving deep into my psyche. Hopefully some things will get clear. |
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Post by scheme00 on Nov 24, 2017 7:35:21 GMT
I've read up on you're other threads through the past week. It seems like you are searching for some explanation so that you can understand to move on. But you will never understand it. You do not form relationships the same way. You are trying so hard to understand how he could do it. This is how they operate. If you can not look at the situation and understand that he was not able to get attached to you and that he never opens up enough to truly be intimate then you may need to look deeper into your own unmet needs stemming from your childhood. Once you clear that up, you will be able to see that he can not connect the same way, grieve it for an amount of time and move on. I hope you do not stay "stuck" in this cycle of trying to understand and rationalize his behavior. Because you may be there forever and will never get an answer. Ouch. True words Sir. I am having a rough time of this. I love him. Perhaps a bit more time will help. I am delving deep into my psyche. Hopefully some things will get clear. I know it's hard. I'm going through the same thing, remember? One month ago exactly. "Why can't she love me?" That's hard to get past. I will tell you I have found three things that have made me recover in the past 2 weeks and have helped tremendously. You may not believe me but they have saved my life. My anxiety went from 99% to about 15% and I went 2/3 of the day this week not thinking about her. When I did I just did these first two things again and it brought me back down to earth. The first thing is: "guided meditation " or "guided imagery" or "hypnotherapy " (all related to breakups or relationships ending or attachment) i found on YouTube. I also bought "guided imagery for heartbreak" by belleruth naparstek on iTunes. My therapist who specializes in ATTACHMENT TRAUMA (the only therapist I've ever found who knows about this more than all of us here and who is a therapist) told me about it. Also, she told me about "havening" l, a technique that floods your body with delta waves which immediately takes the pain away from a specific thought or memory and in some cases a thought of a person. I swear by this. I've sat down for less than 30 minutes and have felt amazing recovery from the pain of breaking it off with the DA that I'm in love with. Here is a link to doing it: youtu.be/0C1liEFCZm4The last thing that I am doing which most people will think is crazy is that I'm flying to Canada to do Ibogaine medicine. Research it and look it up on YouTube. I am going to face my core subconscious and weed out my depression that has lingered my whole life from feeling abandoned as a child. Every break up feels like death. This is the only true way to get this out of my system. I've researched this medicine for months and am leaving next month to go do it. It can totally hit the reset button on your life from the subconscious which is exactly what I need. Sorry for the overkill but I wanted to let you know how I have crawled out of the deep dark painful hole that I know you're stuck in. |
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Post by stellar1969 on Nov 24, 2017 16:42:56 GMT
Actually, the day I decided to not be involved with him anymore, I stopped feeling anxious. I'm just extremely sad. I cried a lot this week, eyes puffy and thought I wouldn't stop kind of crying, but I feel better now, today. I have my own life and mine would have never matched up to his anyway. I would rather be single my whole life than choose poorly again. I haven't chosen so badly in the past. Married for 11 years and partnered for five, both of those men are still close friends. One is my best friend actually.
I too was abandoned as a child, physically and emotionally.
Thank you for telling me how you get through your pain and I look forward to hearing about the Ibogaine treatment. I will look it up.
I am 48 so I feel that there are a lot of other issues going on that I can actually attend to.
Time will heal this break up, but I need to remember what it has taught me.
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Post by leavethelighton on Nov 25, 2017 1:19:21 GMT
I don't think it's possible to know if he is feeling a lot or a little or nothing... but I think people often disappear like that because one way or another they imagine they are saving themselves by doing so. Keep reminding yourself that it is a reflection on him and his inability to continue in the relationship, not a reflection of you, particularly given his unwillingness to communicate about it.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2017 5:06:41 GMT
I don't think the silence means that he didn't care or that he feels nothing. We each how our own way of coping. Avoidants are great at hiding feelings or burying them. I can look calm and collected at all times even when I am very shook up. I think it goes back to childhood. When I cried, there was no one to console or comfort me, so I learned it doesn't "pay" to do any of those things.
It's possible his attachment to you was not very strong and he was able to walk away feeling little. It's also possible his attachment to you was strong and was still able to walk away. I know that people talk about closure all the time, but I don't understand it. Silence is closure. Not knowing the length of your relationship or any other information, it's difficult to comment further, but my guess is he knows that you are done and that's closure enough.
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Post by onastring on Nov 25, 2017 9:15:48 GMT
MY DA disappeared for three weeks after 5 years together, three months of distancing and causing a great deal of pain and confusion. I thought a lot about closure, about whether I could just leave it and whether it was really over or whether she may just be needing time/ space and so on. In the end what I realised is that it depends on my own values. I found the idea of no contact ever again and the prospect of a deeply unsatisfying ending intolerable including the not knowing how she viewed the relationship and whether she may be cruel later on or about me to others etc (even though I can’t control those things). I needed things to at least be civil, at least in terms of my behaviour, and I needed to wish her well even though she didn’t want me any more. Those are my personal values and I realised their importance in being able to move on. Being true to yourself in a break up is really important.
In terms of whether they feel it, I think rationally they do, but emotionally I think it’s unlikely. Avoidants avoid emotions, even within themselves. Realising this, that they perhaps really don’t care what you’ve been going through and don’t empathise is another level of pain to add to the others. But, even though we look at our own issues, fundamentally it is them, and not you.
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Post by stellar1969 on Dec 5, 2017 17:04:58 GMT
I don't think the silence means that he didn't care or that he feels nothing. We each how our own way of coping. Avoidants are great at hiding feelings or burying them. I can look calm and collected at all times even when I am very shook up. I think it goes back to childhood. When I cried, there was no one to console or comfort me, so I learned it doesn't "pay" to do any of those things. It's possible his attachment to you was not very strong and he was able to walk away feeling little. It's also possible his attachment to you was strong and was still able to walk away. I know that people talk about closure all the time, but I don't understand it. Silence is closure. Not knowing the length of your relationship or any other information, it's difficult to comment further, but my guess is he knows that you are done and that's closure enough. Mary, my story is in my first thread. |
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