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Post by ctlguy260 on Mar 29, 2022 18:28:03 GMT
I know that anyone that has codependent traits can obviously have a AP style. What about the other way around. Do most APs have a codependent history?
I am about a 1/3rd though the book "Codependent No More" and I can honestly say this is one of the hardest discoveries and regret I have ever dealt with. I was in a long term relationship with an FA who we truly were best friends and adored one another. Part of me working on myself is identifying my patterns as an AP although there were many times I felt like an FA as well. As I read "Codependent No More", I can only go back to the very beginning of my relationship and see what I should have done different and notice each event where I was either anxious or avoidant. I see so many times I never rose to the occasion as a man which only kept her walls up. I have listened a lot to Thai Gibson about how FAs should be in a relationship with a secure person and that can be a way for them to overcome it.
I realized I didnt take ownership and just open up myself and tend to my needs because of fear of her pulling away, but end the end that is what she needed from me while I was fixated on her lack of communication and not what my lack of was doing. I have placed all the blame on her but now that I am diving in to identify what I need to work on I am riddled with regret. I realized there were many times, my patterns made her feel like she wasnt good enough.
All of these things coming up have honestly been the hardest thing I ever come to realize in my life and I loose sleep over that pull to want to try again after now what I know but she has moved on. I know I have to continue to work on myself but it is so hard without having my mind on my relationship in doing so.
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Post by alexandra on Mar 29, 2022 19:34:19 GMT
Try to remember that with insecure attachers, there are two people creating a dynamic. There is no full blame on one side. But that also means that a full correction on your end, even if you behaved perfectly, wouldn't have fixed the dynamic. She would still have issues she would need to deal with on her own, even if you weren't ever triggering her with your own stuff and actions. Because her issues were caused by things that happened before you two even met, they weren't caused by you. And same for you of her. When those issues combined, it made the dynamic worse, but it still wasn't going to be healthy going into it because you both weren't healthy and whole when the relationship started.
It's wonderful to gain awareness and take ownership over your piece of the puzzle. Truly! It sucks because it hurts, but it's really important. One thing I suggest when looking at your relationships is to see them in thirds: 1. your part (issues that are yours before meeting and that it is your responsibility to take ownership of separate from a partner), 2. the partner's part (same, their issues that aren't your fault and are their problems to handle), and 3. the actual relationship / dynamic together (whether you are compatible or not).
All the insecure styles are prone to falling into codependency. It's much more likely and pronounced with AP or FA styles, but DA can sometimes fall into staying in something too even if they feel neglected or disrespected. Again, it takes two to make codependent dynamics, and anxious pairing up with avoidant is incredibly common. And yes, there's probably a history of it somewhere as well.
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 29, 2022 20:13:24 GMT
I know that anyone that has codependent traits can obviously have a AP style. What about the other way around. Do most APs have a codependent history? I am about a 1/3rd though the book "Codependent No More" and I can honestly say this is one of the hardest discoveries and regret I have ever dealt with. I was in a long term relationship with an FA who we truly were best friends and adored one another. Part of me working on myself is identifying my patterns as an AP although there were many times I felt like an FA as well. As I read "Codependent No More", I can only go back to the very beginning of my relationship and see what I should have done different and notice each event where I was either anxious or avoidant. I see so many times I never rose to the occasion as a man which only kept her walls up. I have listened a lot to Thai Gibson about how FAs should be in a relationship with a secure person and that can be a way for them to overcome it. I realized I didnt take ownership and just open up myself and tend to my needs because of fear of her pulling away, but end the end that is what she needed from me while I was fixated on her lack of communication and not what my lack of was doing. I have placed all the blame on her but now that I am diving in to identify what I need to work on I am riddled with regret. I realized there were many times, my patterns made her feel like she wasnt good enough. All of these things coming up have honestly been the hardest thing I ever come to realize in my life and I loose sleep over that pull to want to try again after now what I know but she has moved on. I know I have to continue to work on myself but it is so hard without having my mind on my relationship in doing so. I remember when I first came here and I learned so much about avoidant leaning FA males and I went through a long period of regret because if I had only done this or only done that, perhaps B and I would have remained together…..but as alexandra said…it takes 2 insecure people owning their side of things to really create change. This is why, although there is all sorts of literature, videos and podcasts that state that the best match for an insecure person is a secure one…still insecures are attracted to each other. The best way forward is to continue to work on the patterns within yourself. |
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Post by ctlguy260 on Mar 29, 2022 21:01:08 GMT
I know that anyone that has codependent traits can obviously have a AP style. What about the other way around. Do most APs have a codependent history? I am about a 1/3rd though the book "Codependent No More" and I can honestly say this is one of the hardest discoveries and regret I have ever dealt with. I was in a long term relationship with an FA who we truly were best friends and adored one another. Part of me working on myself is identifying my patterns as an AP although there were many times I felt like an FA as well. As I read "Codependent No More", I can only go back to the very beginning of my relationship and see what I should have done different and notice each event where I was either anxious or avoidant. I see so many times I never rose to the occasion as a man which only kept her walls up. I have listened a lot to Thai Gibson about how FAs should be in a relationship with a secure person and that can be a way for them to overcome it. I realized I didnt take ownership and just open up myself and tend to my needs because of fear of her pulling away, but end the end that is what she needed from me while I was fixated on her lack of communication and not what my lack of was doing. I have placed all the blame on her but now that I am diving in to identify what I need to work on I am riddled with regret. I realized there were many times, my patterns made her feel like she wasnt good enough. All of these things coming up have honestly been the hardest thing I ever come to realize in my life and I loose sleep over that pull to want to try again after now what I know but she has moved on. I know I have to continue to work on myself but it is so hard without having my mind on my relationship in doing so. I remember when I first came here and I learned so much about avoidant leaning FA males and I went through a long period of regret because if I had only done this or only done that, perhaps B and I would have remained together…..but as alexandra said…it takes 2 insecure people owning their side of things to really create change. This is why, although there is all sorts of literature, videos and podcasts that state that the best match for an insecure person is a secure one…still insecures are attracted to each other. The best way forward is to continue to work on the patterns within yourself. Thank you for that. Its tough for a man I think more than women sometimes. I heard a saying "A man doesnt take the blame for the all the problems but a man should take ownership of the solution". I didnt lead that, and even if that meant me walking away after working on the solution I can say I did all I could but without sacrificing my own self care. Its just all of her reasons, ended up being different long after it was over. |
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Post by alexandra on Mar 30, 2022 0:36:04 GMT
Its just all of her reasons, ended up being different long after it was over. That is very typical for FA. It's a combination of disconnection from self (she's reacting because she doesn't understand her own feelings and probably believes what she says when she says it but it's not necessarily true) and poor communication skills even if the FA does know what's actually going on. It's also even more difficult to communicate if you're conflict-avoidant, which generally avoidants are (and AP may be as well). So this is why it's not a gendered thing, it's the insecure dynamic. You can better yourself to not be primed to repeat this type of dynamic with anyone in the future, though. |
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Post by ctlguy260 on Mar 30, 2022 1:57:19 GMT
Its just all of her reasons, ended up being different long after it was over. That is very typical for FA. It's a combination of disconnection from self (she's reacting because she doesn't understand her own feelings and probably believes what she says when she says it but it's not necessarily true) and poor communication skills even if the FA does know what's actually going on. It's also even more difficult to communicate if you're conflict-avoidant, which generally avoidants are (and AP may be as well). So this is why it's not a gendered thing, it's the insecure dynamic. You can better yourself to not be primed to repeat this type of dynamic with anyone in the future, though. This makes a lot of sense. The words "not necessarily true" were said by her a few times. Now I am just trying to be careful with the right mindset where I dont see the same signs and walk quickly, and becoming the avoider in the future. I do realize now how important it is to communicate your needs and whats important to you early to set that foundation and expectations. While I plan on being more firm in my boundaries, I dont want to come across as super ridged and controlling which is why I caved in this relationship, to not push her away while If I have not caved but communicated this perhaps she would have felt safer (who knows). My biggest acception and understanding of the FA is something deep rooted from childhood. I have met her parents and were close to them. They are the coolest loving coupled who are still in love and best friends, and my ex have a great relationship with both. Her issues stemmed from a marriage with a narc of 13 years, so I didnt see it as the same as a 46 year lingering wound. |
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Post by alexandra on Mar 30, 2022 3:09:43 GMT
To the right person, though, healthy boundaries and communication won't feel rigid. It will be easier. Relationships still have challenges, but those should be about lifestyle and external stressors to get through as a team, not due to triggering each other. That's why the advice tends to recommend trying to date someone secure. Healthy boundaries also aren't born of hypervigilance. They aren't only in response to perceived threats. It's still an abstract concept, I understand, but healthy boundaries are very consistent within yourself no matter who you are dealing with. They may get stronger as necessary if you're dealing with someone with unhealthy boundaries and your instinct about them is they are not earning your trust, but the boundaries come from a very centered and connected sense of self. That's one of the areas that needs to be worked on for any insecure who wants to grow, because it was undeveloped or even not modeled correctly earlier.
In your specific case with your ex, you also are putting a lot of stock in your observations of her parents now. This doesn't mean they had their emotional lives together well when your ex was young. Since people do grow, they may be a lot closer and healthier now than when she was a kid, you simply don't and can't know. But that's also why, beyond understanding how the dynamics and patterns typical work between attachment styles, the best direction you can set for yourself is focusing on your own attachment style and your own past that got you to where you currently are standing.
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Post by anne12 on Mar 30, 2022 7:39:13 GMT
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Post by ctlguy260 on Mar 30, 2022 15:47:34 GMT
What is rewrite exchange gifts? |
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Post by anne12 on Mar 30, 2022 15:50:43 GMT
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