Fearful Avoidant Ex and Secure attachment dependency

Hi and welcome….I would give him space to process what you said.  Even though he said the two of you were just friends and you are honoring that….he is likely going through some internal feelings.  Depending on how good he is with boundaries and understanding his responsibility versus yours (as in, he is not responsible for your feelings) he may feel the need to pull back for a bit.  This is very typical as those of us with FA attachment do not like conflict (as in, have never really learned how to handle conflict without feeling blamed/shamed).  As to your feelings….I understand why you felt the need to express them…..however, understanding that you are “friend zoned” and there may come a time when he finds a new partner….I think this is something to really consider.  How do you want to mutually parent?  What do you need in order to work through your remaining feelings? (Do you need a temporary break in contact?  Do you need to open yourself to some dating opportunities?).  Tagging alexandra for more insight.

If you time bound it….tell him that you need x months of no or minimal contact after which you will re evaluate…that should be ok.  Will he feel anxiety at less or no contact…probably….however…that is on him to address.  You cannot center your life around whether he will be triggered or not.  Is he currently in therapy for his attachment issues?  If not…..he might want to look into somatic experiencing therapy.  I see an SE therapist and it has done me wonders…but he will need to want to explore and revisit some painful experiences from his past.  It is so much better on the other side of attachment wounding…but mucking through can be very painful.  I would also suggest that you explore your boundaries with him….it sounds like you are allowing him to have boundaries that suit him..but do not necessarily suit you.  That is a very AP behavior….and it might just be something that is lingering from your prior relationship and current feelings for him…..but you are not responsible for his FA…nor can you avoid triggering him if he isn’t actively working on his attachment issues.  One way to look at any insecure attachment is to visualize a tool belt.  On that tool belt are various tools with ways to address feelings of anxiety, fear, anger, sadness, embarrassment, shame, guilt etc.  Individuals with insecure attachment have limited tools and also the ones they have are from their childhood.  You are not responsible for his lack of tools…you can certainly provide a caring perspective in how you interact with him…but avoiding difficult conversations or situations because it might trigger him is not the answer.  

I think, in general, that what you are describing is very, very typical for an insecure attacher to have with an FA. Once the romantic relationship gets overwhelming, as long as the other person is still an attachment figure, the FA often tries to find ways to keep the connection without feeling the overwhelm. Effectively, you get downgraded. This may look like breaking up and having no physical intimacy at all but being "friends" with very high emotional intimacy. This may look like someone who can't have a full relationship with one person, because they actually split emotional and physical intimacy across different people so that no one person becomes too "scary" by being everything in one (high fear of loss). Or some other version of, don't get too close but don't go too far... come here, TOO CLOSE I'm overwhelmed go away, wait I'm regulated better now come back I need connection and validation and I'm not feeling fearful or deactivated, oh too close go away again until I feel better. And this will last endlessly, because it's nothing to do with you. It's how an FA nervous system freaks out bouncing between a fear of engulfment and a fear of abandonment. It may not be conscious for the FA at all, they are often unaware of it. But unfortunately, being unaware or simply avoiding dealing with it means they're not working on it and it won't change, since it's an internal issue that requires healing the past trauma that caused the fearful avoidant attachment style to develop in the first place.

The only thing I believe you're doing to your own detriment in how you're approaching this is how much you're trying to control his fears for him (as tnr9 was also discussing). You're afraid of hurting him more, of him seeing the situation as a self-fulfilling prophesy that more people he trusts have disappointed or left him. The thing is, if he's inclined to distrust people and believe the worst, he will find a way to do that no matter what. You cannot emotionally regulate or manage him. All you can do is be honest and respectful to him. That does not mean prioritizing what you perceive as his needs over yours. Doing that, especially when you're guessing at his needs anyway since he's not capable of being present in a relationship and sharing them honestly and openly, is co-dependent. You didn't cause his issues, you're not responsible for managing them for him. You're only responsible for being a good human by treating him with respect, while not disrespecting yourself.

He probably needs help, but it's on him to decide that and seek it. You aren't his therapist or his lifeline. Being secure doesn't mean giving of yourself until you can't, it means holding healthy boundaries and not abandoning yourself. Your issues are yours, his are his, he is an adult and responsible for managing his own feelings and emotions and fears and issues, as long as you're not abusing him (which you're not). Working together through individual trauma issues like this doesn't work, unless the person is already self-motivated and all-in on doing their own work and comes to you about making changes.

It sounds like you do need space to get over him romantically and work through your own issues separate from him. The bond you feel with him is real, but since he's not capable of being in the type of relationship you're seeking, he's making you emotionally unavailable to other partners -- on top of the emotional unavailability inherent to having an insecure attachment style in the first place. That means, you will stay stuck here until you decide it's too painful to stay stuck.

You do need to co-parent. And your inclination to limit your contact with him for the time being to only be about co-parenting is a good one. You should tell him this and tell him why. He will panic and push your boundaries and hope to keep you close just as you are and try to convince you to do so, without giving you what you need. But you really, really need your own space to sort yourself out.

I was in a very similar situation with an FA when I was AP, though we weren't married or living together and didn't have any children. But in regards to, I had feelings after he blindsided me with a break up, he wanted to be instant besties without giving me any space or time to mourn, we were off and on again, it was a disaster for me for a long time. The first step I took towards getting over our initial breakup and getting more secure was to finally tell him I would be going no contact for a while. (This felt wrong and miserable and was the first time I was ever capable of going no contact with an ex partner, and I had to force myself to do it in spite of it being painful.) I also told him that if he really cared about me then respecting my space was the kindest thing he could do for me. I was honest about what an overwhelmed mess I was. That made him feel like it wasn't a rejection or about abandonment, which it truly wasn't. It was the first time he actually heard me about it, instead of hearing what he wanted to hear. But I also had to reinforce that boundary I set. It's not as easy for you to do that in your situation, but again, your equivalent is "we only talk as it relates to co-parenting" and then ignoring it / calling back to that if he tries to deepen conversation and interaction before you're ready. He shouldn't get to trample your boundaries!

If he sees you're serious, and also sees that you're working on yourself (perhaps through therapy or with whatever self-care you're doing), maybe he'll think twice about getting help for himself. And maybe he won't! Either way, you'll stop wasting your own time hoping for something to change while repeating the same behaviors over and over. And you may grow and heal and end up somewhere better and emotionally healthier within yourself.

I stayed out of touch with my FA ex for almost a year. We reconnected when I had done the work to push my own attachment style to be much more secure (though I wasn't entirely there yet), I acted completely differently that time around and we worked for many months to reconcile, and almost as soon as he asked me to officially get back together and we traveled together on a short trip -- he dumped me again in almost the same manner and for all the same reasons as before. That was what it took for me to see nothing would ever change, so I broke out of the cycle. We tried being friends again later, and we'd connect for a few months here and there, and then he'd have some jealous new partner who was pissed we were in touch, so I'd bow out. When they broke up, he'd always come back. And eventually, I outgrew that dynamic.

Try to give yourself the space to focus on yourself and not on him. Even if it feels wrong, try to stick with it for a few months and see if your perspective begins to shift. Turning inward really is the key to real shifts.

Can I recommend this.
www.relationshipsvictoria.org.au/media/xv0byakc/share-care-booklet-2016.pdf

As an FA, it enabled my ex-wife who continues to be secure, and I to coparent effectively. The questions took the stinging emotion out of the coparenting arrangements and establish a business type relationship between us.
In the relationships I’ve had post divorce, the most common cause of resentment I’ve seen is unmet expectations, generally because nothing has been spoken about under the guise of what is a post marriage relationship. As an FA, the lessened emotions made me feel that I wasn’t being manipulated, so it was effective, and continues to be 6 years down the track.