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Post by sagekat12 on Apr 6, 2022 15:10:03 GMT
My FA bf has a pattern of being really vulnerable with me and then pulling away. We always end up having a miscommunication that causes me such severe anxiety (I'm also FA) that I end up blocking him. Then a month or so later he or I end up contacting each other and then the cycle repeats.
He always tells me communication is important and to tell him how I feel and that he'll never judge me or hurt me for it. For the most part he does okay, when I have a problem he doesnt give me the silent treatment and he always tells me my feelings are valid
The main issue is he keeps going silent for days. How am I supposed to communicate anything when I'm not getting any responses whatsoever. It's stuff like this that causes me to block or unfriend him. Everytime he gets really sad and when he comes back he tells me just now much he misses me and loves me.
He can't handle when I do the exact same thing to him. When I disappear for days I come back to spam and him asking me where was I and where did I go. He'll be affectionate and then go back to ignoring me.
Everytime I State my needs for communication he ends up telling me stuff like "I'm not a nice person", "you deserve better", "I'm selfish", "I can't give you what you need" etc. I always end up fighting for a while, until I give up. Then, like in the first paragraph, he gets sad saying he misses me and starts chasing me again until the cycle repeats.
He's aware he has a problem, when I showed him a screenshot of what fearful avoidant attachment is (I was trying to show him the issues I have) he said it actually describes him. So that confirmed he's fearful avoidant as well but I believe he's DA leaning.
Should I just keep him blocked permanently? I feel bad because when times are good, they're REALLY good. He never shamed me for how I am. He always tells me he'll never judge me or expect me to change because it's who I am and he loves me how I am. But this bad communication issues is driving me utterly insane. I never know when I'll hear from him when he'll go from talking everyday to radio silent for WEEKS.
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Post by cherrycola on Apr 6, 2022 18:50:01 GMT
How long has this been going on for? How many cycles? I don't quite understand what is happening here, you said he lets you communicate and he is fine with that, but then he goes silent for days? What is causing him to go silent for days? And what is silence to you, is he ignoring your texts? your calls? Have you asked him for a compromise? Or why he goes silent? Curiosity can go a long way here.
Why are you disappearing for days? You can't fight immature with immature, it doesn't work.
When someone tells me things like "I'm not a nice person" and "you deserve better" it really is a red flag to me. Either they are saying it so you fight back and tell them how much you love them or they are saying it to prevent themselves guilt if things don't work out. Maybe both.
When he says he is aware he has a problem, is he doing anything to fix it? Are you in therapy yourself?
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Post by sagekat12 on Apr 7, 2022 19:57:03 GMT
cherrycola (I'm not sure how to reply to post I'm New here lol.). This has been going on for the last 3 months. We've been together for 6 months total (technically 4 because we didn't talk for a while after I blocked him ). For the cycles this happened twice When I disappeared myself it was because I got sick (should've specified that, sorry). The first time I told him I was getting sick and both times when I came back apologized and explained what happened. I noticed he becomes very vulnerable with me and then he closes up entirely As for therapy he thinks it's a scam  . He told me he withdraws due to depression and due to work and school. He inadvertently admitted he withdraws when he feels vulnerable I've asked multiple times if he needs space to just tell me or at least give me set aside time in the week to talk. I've asked what his needs are and how I can meet them. He just doesn't try and then acts sad when I give up
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Post by cherrycola on Apr 7, 2022 21:16:58 GMT
I feel like I am still missing pieces here, and things seem a bit vague as to what is actually happening. Your use of the word disappear is weird to me. When I read disappear that is like a week or more, not I got sick for a few days and pulled back. When you "disappear" does that mean you stop replying completely? For how long?
Can you tell me about your "anxiety" that is causing you to block him?
If someone isn't actively working on their problems, this isn't likely to change anytime soon. If you do a search here you'll find FA/FA dynamics are inherently unstable. Only you can answer if you really want to block or not, but I think since you are stuck in an on again off again, if you choose to block, then the compassionate thing would be to tell him clearly you are done and have no interest in continuing this, that you care a lot but are going to block and won't be in touch again.
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rykus9
Junior Member
Posts: 91
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Post by rykus9 on Apr 7, 2022 21:26:42 GMT
Hello and welcome to the forums!
Not sure I'm in a place to offer any advice relating to improving your situation. I'm new here too!
I will say though as an avoidant leaning FA I often will not answer calls and then feel internal pressure about letting that person down or that they might have some negative thought or intent and then it builds more as I continue to avoid contact.
For me the best relief from this is when someone texts me a clearly positive and maybe engaging question without any negative or guilt type stuff attached, even if it's really mild like "I miss you" "I thought we where going to talk" type stuff. There is a vague and kind of expectant quality to some messages that although innocent and friendly may trigger/ raise anxiety in an avoidant during withdrawal.
Something like I really enjoyed talking to you about xxxxx, and I wanted to ask your thoughts about xxxxx hope your well.. instead of I really wanted to talk or was hoping we could meet up or any other message that when in a reactive/triggered state can not only add a positive light but clearly define that the call will be about xxxx and isn't going to be an emotional trap or some sort of request that is unknown. Or is a reminder of previous positive experiences " I really enjoy talking to you over coffee, and was going to check out that book you mentioned. Who was the author again?"
But yeah for me I like to be able to see a positive message so I know I won't be asked to much if I'm in a lesser state, and a opportunity to be helpful or knowledgeable without having to be attached or emotionally involved is a welcome opening for me.
For me the worst is any type of msg that doest clearly communicate why you are reaching out or give some positive spin... my mind instantly goes to a negative.
They must be wanting this or expecting that.. I must have let them down...
Best of luck!
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Post by cherrycola on Apr 8, 2022 1:09:06 GMT
Hello and welcome to the forums! Not sure I'm in a place to offer any advice relating to improving your situation. I'm new here too! I will say though as an avoidant leaning FA I often will not answer calls and then feel internal pressure about letting that person down or that they might have some negative thought or intent and then it builds more as I continue to avoid contact. For me the best relief from this is when someone texts me a clearly positive and maybe engaging question without any negative or guilt type stuff attached, even if it's really mild like "I miss you" "I thought we where going to talk" type stuff. There is a vague and kind of expectant quality to some messages that although innocent and friendly may trigger/ raise anxiety in an avoidant during withdrawal. Something like I really enjoyed talking to you about xxxxx, and I wanted to ask your thoughts about xxxxx hope your well.. instead of I really wanted to talk or was hoping we could meet up or any other message that when in a reactive/triggered state can not only add a positive light but clearly define that the call will be about xxxx and isn't going to be an emotional trap or some sort of request that is unknown. Or is a reminder of previous positive experiences " I really enjoy talking to you over coffee, and was going to check out that book you mentioned. Who was the author again?" But yeah for me I like to be able to see a positive message so I know I won't be asked to much if I'm in a lesser state, and a opportunity to be helpful or knowledgeable without having to be attached or emotionally involved is a welcome opening for me. For me the worst is any type of msg that doest clearly communicate why you are reaching out or give some positive spin... my mind instantly goes to a negative. They must be wanting this or expecting that.. I must have let them down... Best of luck! This is a great point. If I'm overwhelmed and ignore someone then I feel guilty. And then it takes A LOT to come back to the table, all the while I feel worse and avoid more. I have an AP friend who always just holds space for me in a gentle way of comics and memes. It made it so much easier to re-engage when I was ready. I myself don't have this ability and really wish I did. |
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