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Post by Deleted on Apr 7, 2022 22:04:18 GMT
I'm posting because I am not ready to share what's going on with any person, in person yet. It just feels too sad.
I am not struggling with attachment stuff in my relationship, as in- when something is going on with me having to do with the relationship I feel we have built trust and the ability to communicate. We both have worked hard on that, and grown past what K think the major attachment obstacles were or could potentially be.
I am feeling more inner child stuff breaking through these days. I've done work and had awareness of little me but I am experiencing even deeper stuff than ever. It's jabbed at me from out of the blue and it brings me such a feeling of grief I just can't even. I cant.
Today my boyfriend and I went to get a massage at a Chinese place, in a setting that is an open room, all clothing on, quiet but not private, so that people can walk in and sign up for a massage.
It was a great massage and just what I needed today, but a man walked in to enquire at the front desk, and somehow his voice triggered a very young part of me. He sounded friendly and happy to be there and all the sudden I was like, 5 or six years old and I was sitting in a bright room and he was my DAD and he was there to see ME. He opened the door and all this light was around him and he said "Hey there!" smiling and what I noticed was this overwhelming feeling of JOY and HOPE inside that little self of mine and then it was GONE. Because that didn't happen. That wasn't my life My dad wasn't available to me. I was triggered to feel a hope and a longing that I have suppressed for sooooo long. And immediately then came tears because it's all ruined, I wanted to go back to a moment like that and have it turn out all different but I can't, little me missed out on that and it's just not going to happen and my hope feels strong but in vain.
He is still alive and I love him so much. I call him regularly to tell him, and to share about my life. He is nice and friendly but he never calls me. He never ever has pursued me, not when I was little and not now. I know and accept who and how he is. He is a good man. He is so scarred. I know his terrible childhood. I know his life. He's dismissive I guess, Maybe FA with a strong DA aspect. He does the very best he can to be a good dad and I appreciate that. But little me so badly wants what she didn't have. For a long time as a little girl he was my ultimate fantasy, and then suddenly that just stopped and I changed, hugely. Overnight. Way back when I was young, turned 180 degrees and that's when I became dismissively attached I guess. I guess that's possible. Although what I know of my childhood before that would definitely create avoidant attachment long before that. It's just that I was aware of a longing for him before I gave up and recognized the impossibility of getting what I need from him.
I do find that special feeling with my partner and I think that's what a major draw was, is... He enthusiastically needs and wants me, and he makes a lot of effort to show me his love and how he values me. Maybe I need to share this with him more than anyone. I know he would be sensitive and so supportive. I just haven't come to grips with the pain of it yet and even now I can't remember that moment and that feeling without tears just pouring out. Like this moment as I write. It was such a real feeling , it's surreal to me because for that moment I was in another time, another place, in a fantasy of being really cherished as a little girl. I've really come a long way and my relationships reflect that I have found belonging. But there is this deep part of me that is still just lost.
I'm not alone in having missed out, and certainly many have missed out in worse ways. It's just that I have to find a way to work with this now it's come up.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 7, 2022 22:07:36 GMT
I was with him when it happened but thankfully face down on the massage table and able to stop crying before we got up, I went to the restroom immediately and freshened up with a splash of cold water. I was able to turn it off but I can tell it's going to be something I need to spend some time with.
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Post by cherrycola on Apr 8, 2022 1:30:53 GMT
Those are some really powerful feelings, and it is okay to be sad over this. I may have this wrong, but the way you wrote it, almost sounds invalidating to me. Like because you have this relationship now, these feelings aren't appropriate. It is okay to feel sad and hurt over what happened and still love him. It is okay to hug little introvert and tell her she is loved and that you want her.
"He is a good man. He is so scarred. I know his terrible childhood. I know his life. He's dismissive I guess, Maybe FA with a strong DA aspect. He does the very best he can to be a good dad and I appreciate that. But little me so badly wants what she didn't have." I can relate to this. My grandmother died when my dad was only 12, he was raised by his abusive father and dropped out of school to go to work. He then suffered a massive brain injury. My mothers father left when she was 5 and was and raised by an overbearing and neurotic mother. For years I just kept saying they did the best they could do, but you know what, little me deserved better!
How would it feel if he were to start calling you? Do you think this is something you could ask for?
From everything you've said about your partner there is no doubt he would support you, but it is also okay for you to just take sometime and sort through the feelings on your own. Once it feels less charged maybe you will feel more able to share.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2022 1:38:19 GMT
Those are some really powerful feelings, and it is okay to be sad over this. I may have this wrong, but the way you wrote it, almost sounds invalidating to me. Like because you have this relationship now, these feelings aren't appropriate. It is okay to feel sad and hurt over what happened and still love him. It is okay to hug little introvert and tell her she is loved and that you want her. "He is a good man. He is so scarred. I know his terrible childhood. I know his life. He's dismissive I guess, Maybe FA with a strong DA aspect. He does the very best he can to be a good dad and I appreciate that. But little me so badly wants what she didn't have." I can relate to this. My grandmother died when my dad was only 12, he was raised by his abusive father and dropped out of school to go to work. He then suffered a massive brain injury. My mothers father left when she was 5 and was and raised by an overbearing and neurotic mother. For years I just kept saying they did the best they could do, but you know what, little me deserved better! How would it feel if he were to start calling you? Do you think this is something you could ask for? From everything you've said about your partner there is no doubt he would support you, but it is also okay for you to just take sometime and sort through the feelings on your own. Once it feels less charged maybe you will feel more able to share. You're right, I constantly dismiss my feelings about this. I've done that since I was a girl. I do that all the time as a DA, at least I have as a pattern but I've really come a long way out of that, especially in my relationship of two years now. I'm kind of struck at how I rationalize away my feelings when it comes to something deeply painful. Also deeply happy: I minimize it. I can't ask him to call me. I can't even bear the thought of speaking to him about this although maybe someday I could. I don't want him to feel bad that I'm so sad. I want to protect him. I know I would like to tell my partner but the thought of that brings up a huge wall in my throat as well. I mean I just don't think I can put into words that horrible feeling, so then Id be stuck there crying and I'm not ready for that, not with this. Thank you so much for responding and I'm really sorry about your dad and your mom. My parents had frightful trauma too. So sad. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2022 5:23:31 GMT
I know it makes sense that every kid that comes into this world deserves to be cherished and loved in such a way that they grow up safe and sound and knowing who they are and that they are worthy.
But to actually say I, me, Introvert deserved better from my parents who suffered so much, I feel guilty even thinking that. I suffered a lot for a long time for what they couldn't give me, for things they did and did not do. But to stand up and say I deserved more feels like kicking them when they are down, internally. It's easier if I picture us all crying together and being sorry, maybe. I don't know how exactly to fix this. I just feel guilty and as though I can't allow myself to feel sad, like it isn't fair to indulge myself in feeling all that when there are so many people hurting right now from legitimate, present moment causes. It feels wrong.
I say that now because I'm not in the moment when it hit me. That moment feels planets away atm. Clearly I'm all in my head right now which isn't bad because that was enough for one day.
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Post by alexandra on Apr 8, 2022 5:45:50 GMT
I think that your parents suffered a lot before you came along and did the best they could, but also that you deserved better, aren't actually mutually exclusive thoughts. But I also think that when you were younger and didn't have the emotional depth and maturity to hold both thoughts at once (because kids haven't developed enough yet and that's pretty sophisticated), you suppressed one because you couldn't otherwise process it and exist. You didn't know how. So this may be an exercise in working through complicated issues with more sophistication now that you're an adult, but it makes sense to me that it would remain partially unprocessed and still left over to deal with. And that it took getting through the other work you've done so far to finally be ready to get down to this layer, as in, to be ready for this challenge, you first had to learn a lot more about yourself and how to keep yourself.
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rykus9
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Post by rykus9 on Apr 8, 2022 6:04:42 GMT
Well said alexandra. I think dealing with my parents as an adult has helped me see that they themselves are broken children just dealing with themselves and their day to day struggles. Getting more into this attachment stuff I can see even deeper into some of the things I loved most and hated most about them both when I was a kid, and how even those things change as we grow older or have to "grow up" and face some of the same challenges. I also wonder if having secure relationships with our families would have made a lot of these "revelations" come at a younger age. If maybe the increased openness and closeness would not only help us as adults with the loving bonds to our families but maybe an increased acceptance of their faults and acknowledgeding and processing those at a younger age too. I feel like I know your pain and I am sorry you are holding into that. Sending love and strong thought your way. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2022 6:09:06 GMT
I think that your parents suffered a lot before you came along and did the best they could, but also that you deserved better, aren't actually mutually exclusive thoughts. But I also think that when you were younger and didn't have the emotional depth and maturity to hold both thoughts at once (because kids haven't developed enough yet and that's pretty sophisticated), you suppressed one because you couldn't otherwise process it and exist. You didn't know how. So this may be an exercise in working through complicated issues with more sophistication now that you're an adult, but it makes sense to me that it would remain partially unprocessed and still left over to deal with. And that it took getting through the other work you've done do far to finally be ready to get down to this layer, as, to be ready for this challenge, you first had to learn a lot more about yourself and how to keep yourself. This does make sense. I can't connect to the feelings aspect of all this at this moment but I do know clearly that for as long as I can remember, I had a strong sense of wanting to protect both my parents from feeling bad about themselves. Both of them had problems and were awkward in ways that I felt protective of. I can say also that I did definitely suppress the "right to be loved", in favor of not hurting them. I did this with my mom especially, I didn't confront her for too long because I didn't want to hurt her, but she was doing crazy hurtful stuff to me. She wasn't just negligent she was cruel, psychologically. She was aggressive and projected a ton. I think I thought I had enough self esteem to handle it, but I saw a real vulnerability in her somehow. She embarrassed me. I feel very guilty and sick admitting that. But I was ashamed of her sometimes. I suppressed that too and just built her up because there were also some things I found to admire. In the end she died a broken woman. So I also have this grief in my life of all this awareness coming and I can't do anything to repair with her. But I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have been capable of meeting me in a healthier place. So I have to just keep working at it internally. I have been talking to her in my head lately, understanding her from a different place. I feel really sad that she's gone and I can't have any kind of chance to let her know who I really am. At the same time, I really don't think she could ever be anything but blind to that, she was just so entrenched in her own stuff. It's just all there. I think coming on more strong because my dad is old and his health has declined. I haven't seen him in two years although he's five miles away because he's too vulnerable with the pandemic. Last week I called and we agreed that with warmer weather we could do an outdoor visit. He seemed so happy about that. It keeps ringing in my head that I love him and that my ultimate chance to what? have the relationship my way? will be gone too, I'll be an orphan all over. I'm afraid to see him, after two years. I just feel afraid of seeing his age and feeling so much, feeling all this. Im going to bed. Thank you. |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 10, 2022 12:29:55 GMT
I'm posting because I am not ready to share what's going on with any person, in person yet. It just feels too sad. I am not struggling with attachment stuff in my relationship, as in- when something is going on with me having to do with the relationship I feel we have built trust and the ability to communicate. We both have worked hard on that, and grown past what K think the major attachment obstacles were or could potentially be. I am feeling more inner child stuff breaking through these days. I've done work and had awareness of little me but I am experiencing even deeper stuff than ever. It's jabbed at me from out of the blue and it brings me such a feeling of grief I just can't even. I cant. Today my boyfriend and I went to get a massage at a Chinese place, in a setting that is an open room, all clothing on, quiet but not private, so that people can walk in and sign up for a massage. It was a great massage and just what I needed today, but a man walked in to enquire at the front desk, and somehow his voice triggered a very young part of me. He sounded friendly and happy to be there and all the sudden I was like, 5 or six years old and I was sitting in a bright room and he was my DAD and he was there to see ME. He opened the door and all this light was around him and he said "Hey there!" smiling and what I noticed was this overwhelming feeling of JOY and HOPE inside that little self of mine and then it was GONE. Because that didn't happen. That wasn't my life My dad wasn't available to me. I was triggered to feel a hope and a longing that I have suppressed for sooooo long. And immediately then came tears because it's all ruined, I wanted to go back to a moment like that and have it turn out all different but I can't, little me missed out on that and it's just not going to happen and my hope feels strong but in vain. He is still alive and I love him so much. I call him regularly to tell him, and to share about my life. He is nice and friendly but he never calls me. He never ever has pursued me, not when I was little and not now. I know and accept who and how he is. He is a good man. He is so scarred. I know his terrible childhood. I know his life. He's dismissive I guess, Maybe FA with a strong DA aspect. He does the very best he can to be a good dad and I appreciate that. But little me so badly wants what she didn't have. For a long time as a little girl he was my ultimate fantasy, and then suddenly that just stopped and I changed, hugely. Overnight. Way back when I was young, turned 180 degrees and that's when I became dismissively attached I guess. I guess that's possible. Although what I know of my childhood before that would definitely create avoidant attachment long before that. It's just that I was aware of a longing for him before I gave up and recognized the impossibility of getting what I need from him. I do find that special feeling with my partner and I think that's what a major draw was, is... He enthusiastically needs and wants me, and he makes a lot of effort to show me his love and how he values me. Maybe I need to share this with him more than anyone. I know he would be sensitive and so supportive. I just haven't come to grips with the pain of it yet and even now I can't remember that moment and that feeling without tears just pouring out. Like this moment as I write. It was such a real feeling , it's surreal to me because for that moment I was in another time, another place, in a fantasy of being really cherished as a little girl. I've really come a long way and my relationships reflect that I have found belonging. But there is this deep part of me that is still just lost. I'm not alone in having missed out, and certainly many have missed out in worse ways. It's just that I have to find a way to work with this now it's come up. I completely understand the desire to protect your parents from negative feelings…I had the same thing…..and it was so challenging after they divorced to protect both of them…especially with my dad saying such awful things about my mother. I agree with alexandra….as a child I could not see the complexities of my parents….I could not see that they were both good and bad….black and white and shades of gray. Movies for kids at my young age only portrayed good guys and bad guys so I had to pick a side…and I chose to be the bad child rather then make my parents the bad adults. I will be honest…I wish I had more time with my dad when he was alive and I was aware….because I wish I had been able to fill in so many more pieces to his story that impacted the story he had with me. Last month was 1 year since my dad passed away…so I have to hold those unanswered questions. As someone who lost her dad…I would say to go and see him….but do some prep work with your little girl first. No…your dad is not going to be the price she needed….he is still a fallible man….but but maybe the goal can shift to show her how fallible he is….not to make him evil…but to expand her understanding that his limitations were not a direct result of her. Perhaps she can let go now of the need to protect him and simply see him for who he truly is. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 10, 2022 15:03:45 GMT
Thank you tnr9, I appreciate your support. I'm sorry you post your dad and cannot experience more time with him the way you would like.  Actually, I came to a place of understanding and accepting his limitations and feeling deep compassion for him some years ago. What I didn't recognize or get to the deep processing of is my grief as a little girl, actually I didn't know that I have been suppressing this grief and this hope. In that instant during the massage the hope arose fully and viscerally and was crushed completely. I know that I have a bond with him now, and that's partially why I've suppressed that pain because I'm thankful for the relationship we do have. I remember now how much it hurt to feel abandoned and rejected way back then. I had forgotten that. I had totally buried it. So, it goes along with the dismissive coping. I just got to the original wound in an unexpected way. I've touched around the edges of it in past work and really felt a lot but that felt like it came from an older place. This place was very young, young enough to trust completely and hope completely. Really innocent- and no blame, no anger, only grief. Not even blaming myself. Just sad. I am not feeling it since that day, I'm only describing it now. I'm sure it will come up again. I definitely will see him, I just have some feelings to work with. Next time they come up. I might do some kind of guided mediation or something like that in the time before I go. The weather is still cold. I have a little time. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 10, 2022 15:46:38 GMT
What I realize is that the hope and joy that little me felt when my dad walks through that door excited to see me is exactly the feeling I have forbidden myself to feel as a dismissive. For many years it was purely inaccesible, and even now it's something I try to dismiss with a narrative that says "Don't put too many eggs in that basket, you will lose the eggs. Your eggs aren't safe anywhere, for that matter. Learn to do without the eggs, that's what you need to do to really be ok. Righty-o!) When those feelings of emotional dependence come in, I get triggered. I feel an immediate threat of loss and go into deactivation thoughts.. I can recognize, re-route, and avoid a big train wreck but the trigger is still there. I still have a lot of pain around this that I carry around, in the background. It's wearing. And it influences a perpetual need to make sure I can stand on my own emotionally.
I've worked a long way through this consciously in my current relationship and I enjoy our closeness. We have intimacy and interdependence and a warm emotional bond. We are mooshy and snuggly and very close, so the pain is not dictating my relationships so much anymore but it's there and when I do deactivate this ancient feeling is a reason why.
It's a huge fear of being crushed by emotional dependence, which in my mind only ends in loss. I live with an internal conflict. In my mind there is no happily ever after. I focus on keeping my mind in today because if I don't, it's hard to cope. That's normal to some extent though- everybody has fears and worries. But if I mentally invest in a hopeful happy future with my partner it is painful. We are guaranteed nothing in this world. I am committed and we are going to grow old together if we have our way...but I find it painful to think of the future and the losses I have in store so I put everything into the day I'm in. I can think of the future logistically but emotionally I avoid it. We have lots of plans and dreams and he brings a lot of energy to that. He doesn't seem fettered the same way I am. He goes all in, full of optimism and energy. I have hitched my wagon to his and am very thankful because I don't have the future vision the same way he does. I'm very thankful and I give my all to the day we are in, and in this partnership we have had a really amazing journey so far. He's very happy, it's plain to see, so it's not like I'm dragging him back... he gets me. He's happy to drive us along as long as I'm there with him. So that's good.
The healing DA thread references this aversion to vulnerability of hope and I am putting together some things that make sense on paper but that I wasn't fully aware of.
Because my relationship is not suffering from the attachment dynamics, I don't really focus on attachment stuff and am going deeper into my shadow, and the unresolved traumas and inner child stuff. It's all related of course. But I'm not trying to figure out how to be in a successful relationship anymore, which is pretty amazing. We're doing it. Now it's the continuing evolution of my own healing which is probably made possible and is definitely very supported by being in a loving relationship with trust and intimacy.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 17, 2022 4:15:08 GMT
I was finally able to see my dad today. It was a good visit. He looked better than I thought he would, I haven't seen him since before covid and he had lung surgery since then. I caught him up on my family, my career, my travel plans. I made him laugh and that was nice.
I didn't feel like a little girl. I felt like myself, and it was easy. I've been having my parent dynamics on my mind a lot, running in the background and sorting through things. I think I'm resolving some things.
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