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Post by Deleted on Dec 1, 2017 14:28:09 GMT
Stellar, I couldn't agree with your above comment. Yes, actually they do feel way more than we realize. They just don't know what to do with the feeling so they SHOVE it way deep down and it never comes back again until the cycle of the partners of these individuals brings it back up again. I think once they are attached to someone -- they never really let that person go. They will always return but it is on their terms. Everything is according to what is most comfortable for them. What I have learned is just to live my life and make myself happy without the DA/FA. If he wants to be included in my life and I have some space and time for him, then he is welcome. I don't have any expectations anymore. I guard myself from any possible hurt he can cause me by not allowing him to fully consume my space, my time, and my heart. We learn that WE COME FIRST with therapy and work on ourselves. For instance, I am in recovery for addiction over 19+ years and I have done the 12 steps over and over in my sobriety/journey. It helps me to set boundaries and put myself first. We must love ourselves first unconditionally. We're not perfect -- but no one is. So, it's progress, not perfection. Don't ever let anyone else have that kind of power over you. MIND OVER MATTER. We control our thoughts -- no one else does. Peace and one love to all!
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Post by cricket on Dec 1, 2017 23:27:49 GMT
You said you two haven't spoken in 4 months right? So that right there is showing you where he is at now. AD's are fickle so maybe back then he was still feeling like he would want something but now he doesn't. Be happy to be off that roller coaster. It will be like that always unless he made a hard decision to change. But be in the present and in the present time he is choosing not to be w u so screw that. Choose not to be w him. He may be great but he is not valuing your feelings and your feelings are very much worth being appreciated and valued.
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Post by pagesal on Dec 2, 2017 17:02:41 GMT
cricket, yes it has been 4 months. He showed interest again a few months after we broke up. there were plenty of obvious signs he was still interested. he is an entrepreneur and was simultaneously starting his new business which is where the problems began with getting back together. as soon as his new business started to pick up, he completely checked out with me (i think it was because his business was really struggling) and I realized getting back together was probably off the table. he really began to pull back when he started moving around the country. he moves to stay in a new city temporarily every 2 months to help other startups. once they are on their feet, he leaves to go somewhere else. Once he told me about an ex of his that he had an easier time getting over her when he moved away from the city they lived in because there weren't memories of her everywhere... thats probably what happened with me also. My sister also mentioned how my ex seems fickle. i hope he finds a way to change. he is very aware of his problems with relationships. and yes my feelings were valued sometimes but not all the time. It's so painful to think about how things ended as I feel tossed aside
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Post by pagesal on Dec 2, 2017 17:06:25 GMT
My understanding of them making up their mind and needing to be done comes from the space that if "we" show any signs of rejection, which could include displeasure with a behavior of theirs, they need to cut off their feelings, which may include cutting off the root from where the feelings sprung from, this beloved. I think these folks are much more sensitive than we realize. They are tuned into different things though, rejection, displeasure, disruptions.... We see these things and deal with them, they have to cut off/away. I want to give you a piece of advice. Be very careful with the rabbit hole. You wonder about a behavior and next thing you know, four hours later you are researching why they did this or that and all your time is spent on them. There is a balance in understanding THEM and taking care of YOU. Someone on this forum pointed that out to me and it hit home. You will never fully know the whys, so make sure and spend a lot of time just BEING. stellar1969, he is very attuned to rejection even on the most minor level. I realized he was possibly more sensitive than I am.. which was a shock to the system. I do go down the rabbit hole at times and i appreciate you bringing that up. i have to be okay with not knowing WHY i guess. thank you. |
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Post by pagesal on Dec 2, 2017 17:13:24 GMT
From my experience with my one avoidant ex is that he made decisions and then collected evidence to support those decisions; even when the evidence was completely flawed and didn't even make sense. One thing I have learned in life in general is that people will find evidence to support whatever makes them feel better or allows them to continue telling themselves the story they want to believe. There's evidence that people who cheat on their husbands / wives have a set script they follow in justifying their own actions, like re-writing history to diminish the marriage and make it sound like they were a victim, or highlighting flaws in their spouse or trying to make it sound like they endured a bad marriage. I think humans are just like that and if they feel bad / wrong they have a tendency to support their bad behavior with manufactured or selective evidence. The truth of the situation is that this guy "let you go" long before you probably even existed. He "lets things go". It's easier to do that for him yasmin, YES!!! his "evidence" always seemed to be inaccurate. it drove me mad. Or he would remember things happening in a different way than they really did. maybe they do this to relieve guilt? And that is a very intriguing thought that he "let me go" before I existed. I wish I had realized that earlier because it makes a lot of sense. thank you for that thought! |
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Post by pagesal on Dec 2, 2017 17:35:22 GMT
Hi Pagesal, I broke up with my ex-parnter via SMS and a letter three months ago. His reaction was a text message saying that he was sorry for everything and he wasn't ready for a relationship at that moment of his life due to anxiety. That was followed by a huge confession of love. This is a huge relief and confirmation of my feeling on the one hand, but also a huge confusion and distress on the other side. Of course, I couldn't leave it like that. Since we broke up, I have sent him two letters and three text messages. His reaction: nothing! To me, it is very difficult to find an integer attitude towards these extremes. Confessing love and being treated like a persona non grata at the same time. No sign of any civil behaviour. And that hurts. My mind has still looked for answers, especially from his side but that is in vain. I really have to accept the situation: he loves me but he can't have me in his life FULLSTOP. No whys. No answers. That's tough. I don't claim I'm already over this. Not at all....there is still a long bumpy road ahead. But meditation has really helped me to shut down my mind and get glimpses of states in which I trust life that it is okay like it is. And as said, it is indeed tough. Anyway, back to you. I don't advise you to write him or not. Only you and he know what happened in your relationship, and you can estimate best if he still has strong feelings for you. If so that might not necessarily mean that he wants back into relationship mode. If you have the feeling you have to try everything by writing him a letter, do it. But I agree with Stellar1969: don't expect anything! You can read a lot about the push-and-pull dynamics on these boards. The following might also sound trivial but it is true. You can't change people. That's out of your reach. You can only change yourself or at least treat yourself well. You can focus on yourself instead of the other person. I know that is much easier said than done. We still want to get our needs met by others but the true lesson is indeed self-love.....and that's the toughest lesson. inspiring, thank you for your story. I am leaning towards not writing a letter. but I would like to clear some things up with him. So if I do write it I will not expect anything back. It is very confusing why somebody would confess love but then back away. Your ex didn't respond to you.. but at least you said what you needed to get out. I think that is healthier than holding it in |
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