Ex said he "let me go"

I feel your pain! It seems your ego is bothered by the "let you go" part. I encourage you to look at everything from a 3rd perspective if possible rather than his words. His attachment style and actions reveal more information than the words you are obsessing over. He's avoidant , we know that. He still cares about you. We know that. But do you want to be with him or move on and find a better partner? That's all that matters. If you want to be with him then go at a snails pace. Let him know you know he has commitment and intamacy issues but that you still love him. iE: "well you know that I love you and I know it's uncomfortable for you to get close to someone but I love you and love spending time with you so if that's what you want as well let me know." Otherwise, you just need to move on and get in a relationship that is not low quality.

You can write whatever you want to write. Just do not expect anything from him, including him reading the letter. You can seek out my postings if you want to read my story.

Hi Pagesal,

I broke up with my ex-parnter via SMS and a letter three months ago. His reaction was a text message saying that he was sorry for everything and he wasn't ready for a relationship at that moment of his life due to anxiety. That was followed by a huge confession of love. This is a huge relief and confirmation of my feeling on the one hand, but also a huge confusion and distress on the other side.

Of course, I couldn't leave it like that. Since we broke up, I have sent him two letters and three text messages. His reaction: nothing! To me, it is very difficult to find an integer attitude towards these extremes. Confessing love and being treated like a persona non grata at the same time. No sign of any civil behaviour. And that hurts. My mind has still looked for answers, especially from his side but that is in vain. I really have to accept the situation: he loves me but he can't have me in his life FULLSTOP. No whys. No answers. That's tough. I don't claim I'm already over this. Not at all....there is still a long bumpy road ahead. But meditation has really helped me to shut down my mind and get glimpses of states in which I trust life that it is okay like it is. And as said, it is indeed tough.

Anyway, back to you. I don't advise you to write him or not. Only you and he know what happened in your relationship, and you can estimate best if he still has strong feelings for you. If so that might not necessarily mean that he wants back into relationship mode. If you have the feeling you have to try everything by writing him a letter, do it. But I agree with Stellar1969: don't expect anything! You can read a lot about the push-and-pull dynamics on these boards.

The following might also sound trivial but it is true. You can't change people. That's out of your reach. You can only change yourself or at least treat yourself well. You can focus on yourself instead of the other person. I know that is much easier said than done. We still want to get our needs met by others but the true lesson is indeed self-love.....and that's the toughest lesson.

pagesal,

I completely understand your situation. I have been seeing my ex FA for the past 6 months- he has never even hinted at getting back together because once he makes up his mind, its set. Yet, we text daily, and see each other 1-2 times sometimes 3 times a week. If I don't respond to his emails or texts he will reach out again until I do, but of course I cannot do the same. As you know, these relationships are very one-sided.

I go back and forth about either asking us to be back together, or do I leave all together? He will never change. And he is enjoying the fact that I am in his life still, but it is entirely on his terms. I have written him countless emails that I never send, and while I do find that to be cathartic at times, it's also a waste because I ultimately do not send them. Others are so correct on here, that most DA's and FA's will not have the capacity to respond to such emails. They just can't access their own feelings nor can they empathize with yours.

I really applaud those who are FA/DA on here that are making such a huge effort with their partners, but those folks are rare.

Keep posting on here, it is a great resource and can help you through this process.

kristyrose.... Very interesting that your ex does the same thing as mine! Once he makes his mind up it is done and done. I do not understand this and wish to learn more about how it might be related to being avoidant.

I am with you in applauding those who are FA or DA and post here trying to better their situation. Thank you for the kind words. I hope you continue to post here and find a way to sort through your situation in your own time

From my experience with my one avoidant ex is that he made decisions and then collected evidence to support those decisions; even when the evidence was completely flawed and didn't even make sense. One thing I have learned in life in general is that people will find evidence to support whatever makes them feel better or allows them to continue telling themselves the story they want to believe.

There's evidence that people who cheat on their husbands / wives have a set script they follow in justifying their own actions, like re-writing history to diminish the marriage and make it sound like they were a victim, or highlighting flaws in their spouse or trying to make it sound like they endured a bad marriage. I think humans are just like that and if they feel bad / wrong they have a tendency to support their bad behavior with manufactured or selective evidence.

The truth of the situation is that this guy "let you go" long before you probably even existed. He "lets things go". It's easier to do that for him

yasmin - what you're speaking of is based on 'cognitive dissonance' theory - when people try to rationalize when they do something that violates their view of themselves, it causes an uncomfortable state of dissonance that motivates a change in either their attitudes or behavior - happens all the time. And yes I have seen DA's use it often.