Post by alexandra on Apr 18, 2022 18:02:09 GMT
What you're saying makes sense, but unfortunately it is only half the equation. Anxious people can't just be secure because they force themselves to keep to it one day (fake it until you make it) in the same way avoidants avoid. All the unhealthy, dysfunctional romantic relationship thought patterns and behaviors of every insecure attachment style, AP, DA, and FA, developed out of trauma. So the way to become more secure and let go of bad situations when attachment leads to an "anxious-avoidant trap" relationship, which is often what those who get stuck are experiencing over and over, is to turn inward to deal with your own trauma and move forward in emotional growth. Is one of those steps walking away from incompatible partners instead of sticking it out hoping something will magically change, like you're saying? Absolutely! Not doing that, choosing unaware insecure partners over and over, keeps people stuck and triggered and projecting their own issues onto the focusing on what their partner should change. But if you don't pair that with self-work and confronting trauma and learn a little more from each dating situation, you are doomed to repeat the pattern. There's two sides to finding and staying in better relationships that are equally important, 1. choosing good partners 2. being emotionally healthy yourself. Usually when you earnestly work on #2, #1 begins to naturally follow.
In regards to age and inexperience and maturity, it's true that those are an issue up to a certain point. For unaware insecure attachers, they'll begin to get stuck and have the same relationships over and over without learning much no matter their age, because they're stuck in trauma. So it's not that someone is "insisting" on remaining FA exactly, it's that they're choosing to cope with their issues by continuing to avoid them because it is too scary and painful to do otherwise. People who are writing about their FA issues, since we are using that as an example, in a forum like this that is focused on self-work may still be stuck for now, but they are aware of what's going on if they're here for any amount of time. Changing tendencies and earning secure can take a couple years or more, usually a faster process with a good therapist if the person is truly willing to change. Someone who appears stuck in their posts may still be listening and processing even if they're not there yet, and you may still see big differences after weeks, months, or years. That doesn't mean you should date someone who is working through it or you shouldn't walk away (with respect and not just ghosting one day without any warning), but we attempt to view everyone who is trying to deal with their issues with compassion, anxious or avoidant.