FA Ex, cut off connection forever

From time to time we have individuals who come to these boards and want to warn the greater community about avoidants…the thing is…here we recommend looking at your own attachment issues versus trying to focus solely on the issues of others.  This community is all about constructive anger….but the key word is constructive which means it leads someone….usually someone who has an AP attachment…to better understand what he/she can change within their own behavior…..ie, establishing healthy boundaries, learning how to self sooth, determining earlier in the relationship whether it is a good fit.  What tends not to work on these boards is when someone keeps going back to a blame mentality because it leaves no room for growth.  I do hope you will spend some time on the AP boards as there is good information there….also…there are lots of great YouTube videos on how to heal from an AP attachment. 

Because a truly secure person would not say that they are over someone and then write lengthy posts about how horrible the person was and all the laundry list of things that simply showed up.  I have secure friends…..this is not handing a break up in a secure manner at all.  But I wish you well.

And they don't log onto an internet forum of people who are actively working on their insecure attachment, to tell them all to look at their issues while denying the need to look at rhe issues in themselves that cause such behavior.

 They don't take their projection out to the web and repeatedly try to insist that they know better than everybody, especially having initially described a very unhealthy situation with a girl right out of high school that ended poorly and could have just ended but is being carried to a forum. 

This is indeed ridiculous, and it's textbook unaware, defensive AP, looking to set everyone else straight.  It's a repetitive phenomenon, we've seen it all before.  And it always ends the same way... lots of protest behavior and then silence.  Actually, sometimes the newbie looking to preach to the choir gets their comments deleted because they cross the line. Hopefully that won't be the case here, it seems fairly benign, just run of the mill insecure and projecting. 

Anyway, it's allowed.... just remarkable the regularity of it.  Carry on! 

Hang on….. on a brief looking through the last bit here, it is very possible for a secure person to be temporarily put off balance. I’ve experienced it twice. Yes, they’re quick to bounce back, but if they’re really invested, it doesn’t happen immediately. Especially with those to whom an insecure’s behaviour is entirely baffling or those that are used to societally structured relationships. So, I’d say give this person a break. They’re probably in a stage of grief, which is entirely reasonable.

OP admits to having some kind of recognition that girls her age are immature, but then he assumed that she was "more mature". So, that right there is a problem. He saw a red flag in AGE alone. And objectively; 19 IS young in terms of development. As mentioned by username. So give him a pass if you feel he needs it, but as a mother and woman I see the problem in a man of 25 years old having unreasonable expectations from a woman of 19 years old with very little experience and incomplete development. That is NOT secure behavior.

I agree with all this, and understand that the word predatory might not be the best word but where it comes from, for me, is the general tone of his post. 

In spite of her clear immaturity,(and the fact that he knew maturity might be an issue at her age), the clear signs that her interest had changed (very typical of someone starting a new life chapter out of high school, the clear inequality in life experience- he expects commitment. 

 There is a power imbalance that is inherent in that situation where one of the partners is either still dependent on their parents in high school (typical of 18) or...independent and socially more expected to be self supporting or at least not dependent.  

 That's where it gets really icky for me-- all the elements of emotional immaturity in the girl which are pretty typical of someone still considered an adolescent, and the response is to demand more and then feel victimized by her rather than considering that he had made an error in judgment, himself, to choose such a young girlfriend?

It just has a very selfish vibe to me, it doesn't seem secure or reasonable. It would be one thing if he saw it not working and accepted it, sad but recognizing that she's still what some people refer to as a kid. Maybe he could see she just isn't mature yet and THAT's reasonable, given her age.  But he condemns her immaturity.  And he comes off as a victim, of someone with less maturity by age and life experience.  

Women are often put down and criticized for changing their mind, saying no, exploring their options and their life.  That's what I see this young girl doing, and with the amount of trauma that's been shared about her life... the fact that she's in college and beginning to travel and try to build a future is awesome.  Good on her for not getting too deep into a relationship right out of high school, a period when she is getting to know herself and discover life.  

To come here and speak about her the way this poster has, well he didn't come off as reasonable, to me.  Or as merely grieving. 

I've been here before a while ago, just popped back on for a look. I test 80% secure/10% avoidant/10% anxious on the Thais Gibson PDS attachment test, Diane Poole Heller - Secure as well, also tested secure on the Psychology today test. I personally have dated two F-As in the past 6 years, and a more secure girl. My last relationship was with a F-A leaning D-A (she did the Thais Gibson test), for one year. She was remotely interested in learning about psychology, and stereotypically ended things, even though I was always supportive and mindful around triggers. Wont go into too many details, it's irrelevant, it was a reasonable relationship, I still care for her, and love her, wish her the best. I opened her communication up, and she thanked me for being respectul and mindful etc. Bottom line is, I am not codependent and I will not be suckered into someone's dependency patterns! That was the bottom line! She picked up on this and pulled away. So....hopefully she learns sooner rather than later.
Years ago I had a brief 2.5 month relationship with the other F-A, she was suffering from CPTSD, I had never EVER seen anything like it in my life, and there were excuses around health, and a bit of a push-pull after the fact, which actually started my journey learning about narcissistic abuse patterning and CPTSD and the 4F trauma/stress responses and how so many decisions we make as humans are from that nervous system response!

So "yes" a secure attached individual can be "put off balance" so to speak, the intermittent reinforcement from that F-A (CPTSD) g/f actually really hurt after the fact and was starting to push me towards anxious tendencies! First time I had seen it in my life at age 40! But I learnt from it and realised what it was, and made sure I turned that into a positive! I actually am friends with that girl and we talk and she is actively working on herself from my help years ago. She couldn't do it initially, but 2 years later she is finally looking into it after another failed relationship after me! I am happy for her! (I actually garnered advice from this forum around that approach etc)

I generally take quite a few months to heal after a relationship of a year or so. I have never ever jumped from one relationship to another in my life, I make sure I have fully worked through that loss and the emotions before moving on.  

Hope this helps