|
|
Post by kristyrose on Nov 28, 2017 2:32:00 GMT
Hi Everyone,
My FA ex has been away visiting family since Monday of last week, he returns tonight. Since he has been gone our conversations have been limited, which can be typical, but the previous time he was away, he emailed me daily and texted and seemed very much interested in what was going on with me and how I was doing. This time, he barely asked how I was and he would respond to my texts, but very short answers and barely ask how I'm doing if at all.
I made the mistake after wine and dinner with a friend last night, of telling him I miss him and can I see him soon? ( for those of you unfamiliar with my story, he broke up with me in April of this year, then we started dating again in late May and have been seeing each other again since. we have been together in total for 2.5 years)- he has since gone totally silent and I'm guessing it could be because not only did I tell him I miss him, which even when we were a couple he would never say to me, but I asked about seeing him soon, which also can send him running, then ultimately he contacts me to hang out.
At any rate, this thanksgiving I have been very anxious and working really hard to not only avoid reaching out to him, but also, just preoccupying myself. It's been hard because around the holidays I get sad, this is the 3rd thanksgiving we have spent apart, it triggers me, but also his sudden change in communication triggers me as well. I texted earlier today to make light of my "buzzed text" and apologize, but nothing. This is rare these days.
Trying to figure out if i should confront him this week, by asking if I did or said something wrong- or just ignore him at this point?
just sad and so discouraged as we have been so close lately, surprise, surprise.
|
|
|
|
Post by scheme00 on Nov 28, 2017 8:12:09 GMT
Ugh this is so sad to read. It brings back all the memories of how I was never happy and always anxious because of their behavior. How long will you continue to put yourself through this? From the outside it is so easy to see how messed up these one sided relationships are. I'm not trying to be negative it's just so easy to see when you're not in them.
Anyway, you came here for advice and not to get the third degree so I think you should just let him get in touch when he's ready. You're chasing him away. First with the text that you care about him. Then with the apology. He's like a scared cat and you're chasing him and freaking him out even more. So let the cat come back when it's ready. The only thing you can tell yourself to calm the anxiety is that he will come back and you have chosen to be with someone that is like this and the behavior is normal for him.
|
|
|
|
Post by kristyrose on Nov 28, 2017 20:03:03 GMT
Hi scheme00,
I appreciate your response and your words of advice.
I woke up today determined to just move on with my day, my week and not give him anymore thoughts or attention. I do not know how long I can continue, but this is a real question I have been asking myself lately. Sometimes when I talk to my sister and tell her how I feel and what I'm doing, I feel sad because I cannot believe I keep engaging in this. She commented that it seems like my feelings for him chip away a tiny bit every time these distancing cycles occur, but it's obvious what needs to actually happen.
I think turning inwards today and taking care of myself is the absolute best and only thing to do.
Coming on here though is comforting, because it reminds me that I'm not alone and that eventually I will find a way out.
Thank you again.
|
|
|
|
Post by pagesal on Nov 28, 2017 20:47:55 GMT
kristyrose ... i am going through the same thing today. Was just thinking how nice it will be to come out of this. Take care of yourself today.
|
|
|
|
Post by kristyrose on Nov 28, 2017 21:59:30 GMT
pagesal... sending you a warm hug, you do the same.
|
|
|
|
Post by stellar1969 on Nov 28, 2017 22:03:54 GMT
Bless all of our sweet hearts and deep desire for connection. I'm there today too. I seem to feel super sad after the weekend. We use to see one another on Sundays.
|
|
|
|
Post by kristyrose on Nov 28, 2017 22:30:41 GMT
Hi stellar... sending you a warm hug as well! I completely understand about being super sad after weekends... been there too, you are not alone.
|
|
|
|
Post by kristyrose on Nov 29, 2017 17:32:12 GMT
Hey everyone,
An update on my week...
He sent a text yesterday afternoon around 1pm asking how I was feeling and if I had taken my medication - ( I give myself an injection every Monday eve to treat a chronic condition) He usually texts every Tuesday to find out how I am feeling as I usually am sick in bed all day every tues. He has come over in the past to bring me food and keep me company when I feel ill.
I haven't responded. At first I just figured I would later in the evening but I got busy and as time wore on, I decided I just didn't want to, then of course I felt like, screw hiim! I'm just gonna ignore him and see how he likes it. Well now I just feel ridiculous and guilty for behaving this way- this isn't how I am, I should not mirror his behavior just because he hurt me.
Anyone find yourself doing this? When you hear from the person you just want to punish them, only to realize how fruitless that is?
|
|
|
|
Post by guitarlady63 on Nov 29, 2017 21:10:21 GMT
After being with someone with AVPD, it was discovering these forums that actually helped me leave the relationship. I always thought I could do something better to fix things. And when I joined the forums, I realized how deep serious it was how it effected all aspects of life and I decided that I didn't want that anymore even though I loved the person. Today, I found the love of my life and I receive all the love, affection, communication and giving that I had wanted for so long.
|
|
cate
New Member
Posts: 39 
|
Post by cate on Nov 30, 2017 3:59:38 GMT
Guitar lady - that is fantastic. You give me hope! I’m sure you give us all hope. I had a rough week last week because I found out my ex is planning trips and moving on with his life. It hurt. But then I did some reading and realize what looks to us as moving on is really them shutting down and distracting themselves. Doing anything except dealing with their emotions.
I also realize that that their is some self esteem work I need to do. Insecure attachment implies there is insecurity. Why did I put up with bad behavior for so long? Did I not think I deserved better? It’s a good place from which to effect healing.
As for my ex I haven’t heard from him but I find that I’m reaching a point of forgiveness and to let things go. Perhaps we can be friends as long as I know his limitations. Oddly I think we could be good friends since the pressure would be off.
Kristyrose and everyone struggling - it’s a process. It hurts. It’s sad. It’s maddening. But a month after the break up with my ex I have hope. Not that I will find love again or anything like that but that healing can happen. That I will come out of this stronger. Life is unpredictable and scary but full of surprises too. I hold onto that hope and that if I can heal from this - I may have a shot at finding and sustaining better relationships
|
|
|
|
Post by kristyrose on Dec 5, 2017 0:20:31 GMT
Hi Cate and everyone,
It is a process for sure. My ex ended up inviting me to a movie the next day, I went of course and we ended up spending saturday and sunday together as well, however, when I asked him if he'd like to have dinner on his birthday this coming friday, he looked almost shocked and said he already told his friends that he doesn't want to do anything at all, no dinner, no drinks he told me not plan anything, so I told him I would not.
I have talked to him since, because he is once again pulling away and not responding to my texts. I'm thinking about telling him I need a break from seeing each other and use the time to think about whether or not I can keep going like this. I want to have a conversation and say, hey- its been 6 months of dating again since the break-up, we are together or I'm out of your life permanently but not sure how he will respond to the ultimatum.
Anyone try that on their FA or DA partner?
|
|
cate
New Member
Posts: 39
|
Post by cate on Dec 5, 2017 1:22:37 GMT
Kristyrose - that kind of convo puts them in a corner and they’ll flee. That’s what my ex did. I asked him if he was ‘in this’ meaning our relationship and he gave me the standard ‘I’m not ready for a relationship’ line. You have to be willing to go there. And even if you are - it doesn’t hurt less.
My ex also didn’t like celebrating birthdays. Is that a ‘thing’ for avoidants?
|
|
|
|
Post by fatalcharm on Dec 5, 2017 1:23:00 GMT
want to have a conversation and say, hey- its been 6 months of dating again since the break-up, we are together or I'm out of your life permanently but not sure how he will respond to the ultimatum. Anyone try that on their FA or DA partner? I tried it twice with my FA, the last time just 3 weeks ago. The first time she agreed to "work towards a healthy relationship" but without much improvement. Then, about 3 weeks ago, we had an argument over the phone. I texted her that she has to decide if she wants me in her life it has to be for real. She called a week later "just to chat" and when I asked her about it she said "she hasn't decided yet". When I told her we have to resolve this before we can just "chat" she got angry and refused. The call lasted all of 2 minutes and I haven't heard from her since. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to. Merry Christmas  I think an ultimatum only serves to make avoidants feel more pressured and thus more triggered, but I felt like I was at the end of my rope and had to do it for my own sanity. |
|
|
|
Post by kristyrose on Dec 5, 2017 1:36:50 GMT
Hi Cate and Fatalcharm,
Thank you both for your feedback and for sharing your experiences.
I am starting to feel like I'm at the end of my rope as well. I usually just pull away when he does, then wait for his inevitable return. The more I pull away though, or want time to myself, the more he pursues so I feel trapped. If he doesn't really want me, just wish sometimes he would leave me alone, or just agree that we are together. 6 months is half of a year! We have been together 2.5 years and I think I do need time alone to do some soul searching. I don't think I can even get him to agree to compromise a little... just feel defeated.
I'm sorry that you both went through this, but I also think you are both very brave.
|
|
|
|
Post by kristyrose on Dec 6, 2017 1:11:02 GMT
Hey all,
Just wanted to give you guys an update on things.
So, I got a text from him this morning, he said he feels unhappy on some level, that his life is in neutral with us hanging out. He said we should be able to hang out without expecting sleepovers or sex and that we should both not question each other and be OK with it. He said he "wasn't drawing a line with his text" just that he wanted me to know where his head is at.
I asked if we could speak in person, he said he had a busy week and what did I not understand by his texts? I said "after 2.5 years this is what you text me? wow." He asked me to help him understand what it is I need to talk about.
I texted back, "i'm done"
He said, "i guess thats the last time we communicate for the day. i will respect your words."
He, once again wants to control things and assumes that I mean for the day- but I do mean permanently. I'm going to send him an email, when ready, telling him how I've felt, my experience and that I do not want to see or speak to him again. Whether or not he reads it is yet to be seen, but I'm so heartbroken and defeated, I just can't keep going. He is just cruel. We JUST spent the weekend together, Sunday I was just in his arms.
|
|
