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Post by nathan on Apr 20, 2022 2:33:52 GMT
I met this guy and we have really hit it off, been going on a lot of dates. Texting is good, and he invites me out a lot, and even on trips with him. We call almost every night, and we have recently started to share a bed when I stay the night.
About two weeks ago he told me he liked me and that there was a chance we could end up together.
However anytime I bring up sex or mention it he acts weird and almost deactivates and says he isn’t interested in that. Last time I did he told me he just didn’t like me the same way I liked him. Told me he feels like he might be asexual and doesn’t necessarily want to have sex with anyone and that it wasn’t because of me. He also said he does not think he’s aromantic just asexual. Anyway I found this very confusing because of what he said before paired with the fact I can recall a few times he has made sexual remarks in general ? With how he is acting, honestly at times I feel like he is somewhat clingy, but not in a bad way.
Anyone have any experience with this with fearfuls maybe ? Should I just take him on his word for being asexual ? If so why does it feel like he’s still pursuing me? Ah so many questions I hope people can help with…
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 20, 2022 2:44:36 GMT
I met this guy and we have really hit it off, been going on a lot of dates. Texting is good, and he invites me out a lot, and even on trips with him. We call almost every night, and we have recently started to share a bed when I stay the night. About two weeks ago he told me he liked me and that there was a chance we could end up together. However anytime I bring up sex or mention it he acts weird and almost deactivates and says he isn’t interested in that. Last time I did he told me he just didn’t like me the same way I liked him. Told me he feels like he might be asexual and doesn’t necessarily want to have sex with anyone and that it wasn’t because of me. He also said he does not think he’s aromantic just asexual. Anyway I found this very confusing because of what he said before paired with the fact I can recall a few times he has made sexual remarks in general ? With how he is acting, honestly at times I feel like he is somewhat clingy, but not in a bad way. Anyone have any experience with this with fearfuls maybe ? Should I just take him on his word for being asexual ? If so why does it feel like he’s still pursuing me? Ah so many questions I hope people can help with… It could be that sex Implies for him a level of intimacy that he is not ready for yet…it is one thing to speak of it in a casual/ flirty way….and quite another to engage in it. I would take him at his word and back off the sex talk and see if something develops organically. If sex is important to you and you feel you are ready but he isn’t…then this may not be the right relationship for you. He does seem to be throwing a few come here move away signals but remember that those reside with him and are sparked by his own nervous system. |
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Post by anne12 on Apr 20, 2022 8:28:24 GMT
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Post by nathan on Apr 20, 2022 14:36:57 GMT
I originally texted him, and was kind of asking like a question when it was going to be that we finally had sex haha. He didn’t reply to it right away, which made me go from feeling confident about talking about it to regretting it. Later we called that same day and he brought it up before we got off the phone, he was like “by the way, I don’t think we should have sex we should just stay friends platonically” followed by the stuff about being asexual and said that nothing I did caused it that he was just kind of like this. He definitely somehow has two conflicting thoughts at the same time. Before he had told me it takes him a while to like someone, but that he was starting to like me ? I tried to not talk to him for a few days as much so I could like focus a bit less on it, and maintain this friendship boundary now. From my perspective I was very sad but processing on my own. Except then he picked up on it and started texting/calling me way more and inviting me on even more trips since. I guess what I’m really worried about is whether or not this is something that gets stuck or if it’s something that can be overcame ? We even had a conversation about attachment theory and he was very open to talking about it with his therapist (he suggested himself), he seems very introspective! Sorry I didn’t mean to type up so much.
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rykus9
Junior Member
Posts: 91
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Post by rykus9 on Apr 20, 2022 16:02:49 GMT
Hey nathanThe more you type the better we and probably you can process and understand the dynamic. He sounds very dismissive and probably is in his head and may not have a healthy connection to his body or sexuality. I know I am very sensitive not only about people touching me but also sexuality. I am completely asexual unless I feel safe and that the person I feel sexual towards can prove to meet my needs which can be hard because I have a hard time feeling or processing these needs let alone vocalizing them to another human. Him getting more active when you withdraw is normal dismissive behavior. He probably craves the closeness but fears it as well. It is important to remember this development happened young and has been reinforced through out his life. He probably already tried to have his needs met but may have suffered trauma again and decided that not engaging to those levels could prevent the hurt and pain instead of trying to find healthy methods to grow and develop new tools. For me I have a really hard time with people approaching affection logically. My mind rejects affection. But with people I am open and comfortable with, I can let them touch me in a way that's safe to me then I can enjoy it and open up sexually. Also be aware He may have the trauma blocked out and buried deep within. I never thought I was abused or neglected at all. I just thought I was wierd and over sensitive and that I only liked or trusted certain people. Which is semi true but not fully the case.now i see patterns that are repeated not only in me but others here too. My advice is be clear about your side but try to say it in a way that does not add pressure or blame. Keep it about you and not negative even lightly. Try to be soft and reassuring, be close and then slowly start to add affectionate touch to gage the response. I actually find I can recoil like someone is trying to hurt me if I am relaxed and not expecting or desiring to be touched which is pretty obvious. Try not to be hurt if this is the case it isn't about you. Try to find a way to address it where he could open up or not and there isn't guilt or blame. Like I said he may be unaware or unable yet to process it all. It will be hard, it sounds like he has s deep pain in his past. It also sounds like he chose you though so if he is seeking help and want connection you may be able to help that growth. Just be mindful that he didn't choose you to feed an unhealthy dynamic and enter an anxious avoidant trap. It could be very painful. Best of luck and there are lots of threads here about the best and worst of dismissive behavior. Welcome to the forum. |
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Post by introvert on Apr 20, 2022 23:21:09 GMT
My take:
I'm sorry you're in a confusing situation, and any emotional pain that may cause. It will be up to you to make boundaries to take good care of yourself while not encroaching on his.
He made a boundary by saying that he wants to remain platonic, so that's what you need to respect. If he is giving mixed messages, then it's up to you to let him know that 1) you respect his boundary 2) in keeping with it you would like the sexual comments or mixed massage to stop so that things don't become confusing for either of you.
His sexuality is not your business beyond what he has shared, and I think it would be crossing a line to try to dig into that beyond what he has shared with you. That's my take. However! I also understand that this is very contradictory in terms of what you would anticipate for a relationship, and considering his behavior. Anyone would be thrown for a loop over that. So no wonder you're confused and reaching out... all I'm saying is that no means no right? So yes, take him at his word and make your own boundaries around confusing sexual behavior. Have a conversation about intentions, yours and his. You need to have the conversation with him directly, which can be difficult but authentic communication is essential in relationships of all kinds.
In any case, regarding relationships- it's important to know what YOUR needs, expectations, hopes, boundaries are, and to communicate those. And to respect what someone else has communicated, asking for clarity when you need to understand more fully. Each person is responsible to take care of themselves in that way, and then you both can have enough information to decide whether or not you are compatible and how to proceed.
I'd advise against trying to figure him out more than trying to figure yourself out. If you know what you want and need, and you find out that you and he are not on the same page, you move on rather than hoping he will change in order to meet your needs.
Ask questions about his intentions. Let him know when something is confusing or not making sense. If you are unable to do this because of some fear or blockage within your own psychology, consult a therapist to help you work through that blockage. Healthy relationships are not possible without clear communication.
Best of luck, and welcome to the forum!
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Post by mrob on Apr 21, 2022 13:42:15 GMT
He doesn’t sound dismissive at all. That’s a great error many people make in this situation. The to and fro indicates fearful. Either way, how you deal with this will show more of what you can change… you. Do you want the go away, come back dynamic? Is it exciting to you? Only you know that.
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Post by introvert on Apr 21, 2022 15:17:28 GMT
He doesn’t sound dismissive at all. That’s a great error many people make in this situation. The to and fro indicates fearful. Either way, how you deal with this will show more of what you can change… you. Do you want the go away, come back dynamic? Is it exciting to you? Only you know that. I agree. Well intentioned, I USED to redirect new posters when it seemed they have their Love Interest pegged as the wrong attachment type. But I've learned that it was enabling a dysfunctional dynamic in which a person turns to outside sources for information about what is going on inside their Love Interest, and then all kinds of boundary violations ensue as they mindread, diagnose, and attempt to rescue their Love Interest. A very good example of this occurred recently, where an anxious poster came looking for insight into their DA Love Interest. We enabled this person in their outward focus unintentionally. The poster developed a theory about what was going on inside their Love Interest, even dismissing things that the LI expressed when breaking up. The LI gets erased for a narrative that is developed in the mind of the poster asking about them. This is not how to conduct any kind of relationship. I get that an insecure partner is confusing. RED FLAG. If you cannot understand your Love Interest because they behave in ways that are contrary, counterproductive to intimacy, and in ways that contradict their words... IT IS NOT YOUR JOB OR YOUR PLACE TO TRY TO INTERPRET THEM and get them do behave in different ways. That is setting yourself up for illusion, control dramas, rescuing, and lots of boundary violating behavior (coaxing someone into sexual contact in spite of their stated boundary is a boundary violation, and part of a "fixer" mentality). Also, trying to determine this individual's true position on sexuality here instead of through direct communication with them is not appropriate. That is something that only that individual can express and represent. If they are unable to do so, then wide berth must be given out of respect for them, and their own process that is not yours to jump-start. Hence the advice to put your effort into understanding your needs and boundaries, and acting out of that place instead of the one you're operating from. |
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Post by introvert on Apr 21, 2022 15:39:08 GMT
It is harmful to both parties and very unhealthy to try to fix or change someone to try to get your needs met.
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rykus9
Junior Member
Posts: 91
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Post by rykus9 on Apr 21, 2022 16:10:01 GMT
I am learning more an more as I do work you are correct @intoverttemporary. You work and acknowledgement on boundaries is inspiring and I see now that is an issue for me by reading our responses to the same scenarios. I see myself trying to be accepting and supportive but maybe sometimes that is enabling a negative mindset.encouraging connection before establishing healthy boundaries and connection within one's self. I also agree with mrob that he may be FA, but I still see it as dismissive side of that. I am also FA I learned after coming here. |
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Post by mrob on Apr 22, 2022 7:54:18 GMT
It is harmful to both parties and very unhealthy to try to fix or change someone to try to get your needs met. While I agree, I have compassion for those just starting off. Dismissives get a really rough trot, and I’ve been on this board long enough to have seen a couple of absolutely beautiful transformations. It had nothing to do with the other partner, though, for all the reasons you mentioned. Where I see it, I will call it, with compassion. This is the best thing that has happened to me, and I still want to share. |
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Post by introvert on Apr 22, 2022 11:30:36 GMT
It is harmful to both parties and very unhealthy to try to fix or change someone to try to get your needs met. While I agree, I have compassion for those just starting off. Dismissives get a really rough trot, and I’ve been on this board long enough to have seen a couple of absolutely beautiful transformations. It had nothing to do with the other partner, though, for all the reasons you mentioned. Where I see it, I will call it, with compassion. This is the best thing that has happened to me, and I still want to share. Compassion is definitely warranted for both sides, neither position is enviable. The truth is so contrary to the popular romantic notions, so it's confusing.... insecure couples do more harm to each other than the good that anyone hopes for. Transformation is definitely possible for any type but it's an inside job. |
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