Dating for the first time after 8 months. May 5, 2022 2:21:51 GMT via mobile
Post by introvert on May 5, 2022 2:21:51 GMT
It also makes me see that there are so many similarities between AP and DA ways of relating, but the flavours just come out differently.
I worked with a kinesiologist recently to work on my reactions to when someone shuts down or withdraws, particularly after I've been vulnerable or shared something of myself. But actually any type of shut down or withdrawal has the potential to send me to the typical AP way of thinking - that it's about me, my fault, I'm being rejected, abandoned etc.
She helped me to come up with some words to focus on in those moments... we came up with 'relaxation, curiosity, flow, surrender'... and somehow those words are actually coming into my brain when I am feeling unsure about why someone is relating to me in the way they are. I'm trying to just take a few breaths and remain in the moment (relax) and think about it from the other person's perspective, and ask a few more gentle questions to understand it (curiosity)... and remember that if someone has a problem with me and how I'm showing up, it's up to them to let me know (flow/surrender), not for me to start relentlessly digging to find proof of something that affirms the story that it's my fault, I'm not good enough, or the connection is under threat.
I really like this!! I can see my boyfriend get really uncomfortable sometimes and I know that he's a bit triggered by my behavior. And I KNOW wheh O get triggered and he doesn't understand it at all. At times, either one or both of us may get triggered into insecurity and I see it being pretty similar like you do. I'm sure there are key differences as far as the narrative behind it, and it produces different defensive v behaviors- but insecure is insecure.
BTW today I recognized he probably feels pushed off because I've not been feeling well, I've had a lot of plates spinning and I haven't been present enough. He's being very supportive but I know he's bruised. So I called him to tell him I see that and I want to connect and get some down time with him tomorrow. He appreciated that, and what I know for a fact now is, I need that too.
I really hope that you find a partner who will look out for you and give you reassurance you need, in addition to working on your own self soothing. I don't think you have to have it perfect- I think we all need someone to help us out a bit and be aware in a healthy, supportive sense. The kind of awareness that sees the need of the other person and can meet it, because they want to. All of us can benefit from that, AP and FA and DA all. I don't think we have to get all secure, there is a certain point at which the balance tips and you can really grow in a relationship from there. My experience, anyway.