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Post by inspiring on Nov 28, 2017 22:04:17 GMT
Hey peeps,
Even if we're in the same boat by finding explanations for avoidant behaviour dynamics, I would like you to cancel that out for a little while and tell me what the actual love / attraction was like before things fell apart...I mean when things were great and fine.
I'm wondering about that because I came across different stories on these boards. Some of you describe their connection as a match made in heaven, others admit that their lives wouldn't match with their ex's life anyway. I'm just curious whether it is just intermittent reinforcement that keeps us on the hook or if there is actually really a good match between the healty parts (which doesn't mean someone should hold on this). I'm just curious because I revisited my relationship CV and yes, I already had a dysfunctional relationship before, and the post-break-up period was also very rough....but even if this guy had not been abusive, our virtues wouldn't have allowed a working relationship. This time it is different.
So here are my questions....feel free to go beyond these questions:
Did you immediately fall in love with your partner or did it take a while? Did you share the same virtues? Did you look at life the same way? Were you at eye-level intellectually and spiritually? Did you have the feeling that this connection is something special, something that had not happened before? Did you have the feeling you know each other very very well although you just met? Did you feel deep love for each other? Or did you think even if the other person is free of their fears, life would be very complicated due to different attitudes, lifestyles, etc.?
Thank you for your contributions.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2017 22:14:37 GMT
We became friends very slowly - virtually inseparable after about 18 months - neither was looking for a relationship, it really did happen very naturally. We had similar values, interest in Eastern religions, intellectually on par - which is unusual for me. Friends and even strangers said we seemed to be made for each other - same hobbies, similar in look, similar detached, cool external appearance. Both of us are and were unusual and we both felt an unusual connection - he said, and I believe he felt this too, that this relationship was different, that it was worth confronting his fear, worth giving up his beloved freedom because it was so special.
There were some potential problems lifestyle wise - his alcohol use particularly when stressed - bordering on abuse, which is very different from my occasionally social drinking, I have six kids, and he only one although he did integrate into the family to some extent. One thing I did always feel was that I had inherited the baggage from his past life - and that all the sins of his ex girlfriends, family of origin wounds, etc etc played out in our relationship right from the start and he was constantly triggered by things that were in reality nothing to do with me or our relationship but more preconceptions of his own old ideas of not wanting long term relationships, a belief that things will never work out long term which became self fulfilling.
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Post by stellar1969 on Nov 29, 2017 1:58:18 GMT
I saw my ex as purely a FWB at first. He is ten years younger and different political and moral views. As we got to know one another I noticed how much my heart felt at ease when he was near me. I loved the mental stimulation that he offered, even when speaking about political differences. We always had such fun pillow talk, chatting with noses touching, stealing kisses between sentences.
We would text daily sharing pictures of our day. It was special. My heart lit up every time his special text tone rang.
But, our lives are very different. I spend no time with my family. He spends a lot of time at his brothers house and never had any intention of even telling his family about me. He spoke of me to his friends, which surprised me, even the "friend" he said he was in love with.
He spoke of all of these people and it started to hurt that I would never know them. I was in a box. He put me there.
I would say from my perspective that we had a special connection, but I am confused now. I am learning about attachment systems and how we recognize the people who stimulate our Family of Origin and that is why we have such strong chemistry with some people and not with others.
I feel like we genuinely cared for one another. Our sex life was amazing. We were fun together. I can say that I never felt more present and alive with anyone else the way I felt with him.
It couldn't last though. He wouldn't let it. I ended it.
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Post by jaleesa on Nov 29, 2017 23:41:43 GMT
Took me a while to fall in love with my ex. I didn't feel attracted to him at all when I met him, but I was in a really bad place at that time so now I know that I was only attracted to the superficial attention he gave me. It really was a whirlwind romance. We couldn't keep our hands off each other and especially the first few months it really felt like he was my best friend, until reality sunk in after a year. Unfortunately 5 years of drama and heartbreak followed after that year.
When I met him, I certainly didn't know what I was doing or what I wanted or valued in life. This wasn't love in my opinion. Yes we had fun, but it was more about power and control I guess. And what I do know now, is that if I had paid more attention to the way he was raised by his mother, his values, the vague answers he gave me, the way he treated his friends and family etc. it wouldn't have lasted for a week.
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Post by inspiring on Dec 3, 2017 12:40:38 GMT
Thank you ocarina, stellar1969, BreakingTheSpell and jaleesa for your contributions. Of course, I will share my story too...I just want to wait for a couple of more posts. So, as said other peeps are still welcome to describe what their love / attraction was like. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 3, 2017 21:45:32 GMT
From the go it is unquestionably physical attraction. And then we dated, had fun, we laughed a lot. But only once in a while in a LDR.
It is weird to see both forces tugging at him - a longing for physical intimacy and a strange, awkward distancing.
He contacted me to meet after 3 months of No Contact. I'm keeping it friendly for now, but I could feel him gravitating helplessly...ha...shoe on the other foot.
I'm keeping him at a safe distance, and it does make him more relaxed.
I do like him, he has a lot of qualities I appreciate in a partner, just that he's avoidant and it's a crazy ride.
With renewed confidence, I find it easier to slowly fade my feelings for him. I'm so ready to meet a healthy man.
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cate
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Post by cate on Dec 3, 2017 22:59:03 GMT
Like many here - i started out as friends with my ex. He told me early on he didn't want a relationship so I was like "OK" I was fine being friends but he was the one who escalated things - inviting me on trips, wanting to spend more time together, etc.
We are a good match if you took away our attachment issues - yeah, no biggie. We are on par, intellectually and share similar views. We could talk about anything - even the "taboo" subjects that trip up a lot of couples - family, money, politics. We enjoyed eating the same type of food and liked traveling and exploring places (at least at first). We could also just lie next to each other and read on our tablets and be completely fine with the silence. If you read the above - you'd think - "wow, they sound so compatible!"
I did feel love toward him. I don't know that he felt it to me because avoidants don't really FEEL - they avoid that. But his actions told me he did. For a period of time, he really did try and put in the effort for things I know made him very uncomfortable.
But looking back now after breaking up - there was always "something" that prevented it from being fully real if that made sense. He would always pull back a bit. Even the first time we met, he canceled our meet, only to say he was coming after all about an hour later. This became a pattern with him and I see now it was his internal mental health struggle playing out.
Like ocarina - I also got a sense that the sins of his past was being taken out on me. He definitely had a misogynistic streak that came out and I attribute this to his relationship with his mother and his ex - who he still talks about - it's been about 7 years since she left him. We also had some lifestyle differences - he was very very introverted. He idolized the loner lifestyle - I refer to it as the Unabomber lifestyle - just you and a little place removed from civilization. He also didn't like living in the US and wanted to move abroad so in hindsight - it wouldn't have worked out anyway.
I am grateful for the relationship. It's caused me to do a LOT of reflection - to get therapy and eventually once the pain (now a dull ache instead of a sharp one) and longing (also lessening) goes away - I hope I will have grown from this. That's all you can ask sometimes.
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