Post by autumn on May 23, 2022 12:35:33 GMT
I have been seeing someone exclusively for about 6 months and it has gotten fairly serious. But it's a somewhat strange arrangement as he doesn't live in my city and moves around depending on the season. He also has kids in a different state which further complicates things. We still manage to see each other quite a bit with him always coming to my place and staying for several days straight, lately for most of the week. He's kind of in between places/jobs right now since he recently left his winter town and now wants to relocate to be closer to where I live, however my area isn't great in terms of jobs or housing at the moment. So he's been very flexible, has driven a lot to come stay with me for extended periods of time, and then will leave for a few days to spend time with his kids.
In some ways, this relationship has been wonderful for me. He is constantly telling and showing me how much he cares, how lucky he is, frequently helping out around the house and bringing me thoughtful little gifts. He is communicative, supportive, affectionate, and tells me often he wants to help me feel safe and secure in the relationship. He jokes about how bad it must be for people who are still out there dealing with the headache of dating and how excited he is for the future. He's the first person I've been able to start to open up to about my fears and anxieties in relationships and he always listens, reassures and comforts me.
But nevertheless I've been triggered very anxious recently, to the point where its manifested physically (racing heartbeat, trouble sleeping at night, obsessive worrying, shutting down and growing cold, etc.). I think there are some very good reasons for this. Mostly, he can be vague about certain details of his life. For instance I'm still not clear on his work situation and schedule, he doesn't seem to be working much at the moment but hasn't really explained why this is the case (I also don't ask too many questions if I feel like he doesn't really want to talk about it since I just want us to enjoy our time together). We are not friends on social media and he claims not to use social media. He also doesn't always shares details of where he is / where he is staying when not with me although he will give a somewhat vague answer when I ask. Lately this seems to generally be with his kids, but I don't know if this is always the case.
Given my attachment issues, of course it has been a struggle for me to bring this up, or ask more questions as I would hate to seem like I'm prying and I want him to open up at his own pace. He had a very rough childhood, is a very private person, and has taken awhile to open up to me slowly about this. Recently I was able to communicate about my concerns after he asked me how I was feeling. I tried explaining that because he always comes to me given the nature of the arrangement, I feel like he has full access and transparency into my life, while I don’t have the same for him. I understand the delicate balance he has regarding his kids and I don't need to be introduced into that dynamic any time soon. I tried to explain that its more about clarity and transparency - having him share about his day makes me feel included and part of his life and helps to ease my doubts and anxieties. He does this sometimes for instance by facetiming and sending me pictures, but other times offers few details. He listened and said he never does this intentionally and agreed to try and be clearer. And I felt great for awhile.
But, lately I've been even more triggered because of his texting habits. I've noticed he always keeps his phone nearby, he has been texting on it more often, I even wonder if sometimes when we're out he goes to the bathroom just to text, and just the other night I woke up at 5am to look over and he was texting and quickly put his phone away. All of this taken together with the other stuff screams red flags to me as this is the exact type of arrangement that allows people to lead double lives, although given the amount of time he spends here I would think it would be difficult. I have not yet been able to bring up the texting as I really don't want to seem controlling or suspicious.
I am struggling to reconcile this behavior. In this case I've been wondering if attachment theory is only confusing me further and making it difficult to get a clear reading of the situation. While my alarm bells are going off like crazy, which I guess are gut instincts, then I watch Thais Gibson videos and wonder if its not my gut but my hypervigilance going into overactive mode now that I'm actually getting deeply attached, and that my fear/paranoia and trust issues might be leading me to assume too much and getting the best of me. I have had trouble in the past with self-sabotage and running away to avoid confrontation.
I realize a lot of this boils down to my struggle to communicate very openly about these things, although I have been trying to do so lately. Even so, the anxiety and fear is only getting worse. I have a very strong urge to cut and run before I get even more hurt than I'm already feeling, and I keep reminding myself how much simpler and safer life was when I was single. I would really appreciate any advice or insights on how to navigate this because feeling this way is just unsustainable.
In some ways, this relationship has been wonderful for me. He is constantly telling and showing me how much he cares, how lucky he is, frequently helping out around the house and bringing me thoughtful little gifts. He is communicative, supportive, affectionate, and tells me often he wants to help me feel safe and secure in the relationship. He jokes about how bad it must be for people who are still out there dealing with the headache of dating and how excited he is for the future. He's the first person I've been able to start to open up to about my fears and anxieties in relationships and he always listens, reassures and comforts me.
But nevertheless I've been triggered very anxious recently, to the point where its manifested physically (racing heartbeat, trouble sleeping at night, obsessive worrying, shutting down and growing cold, etc.). I think there are some very good reasons for this. Mostly, he can be vague about certain details of his life. For instance I'm still not clear on his work situation and schedule, he doesn't seem to be working much at the moment but hasn't really explained why this is the case (I also don't ask too many questions if I feel like he doesn't really want to talk about it since I just want us to enjoy our time together). We are not friends on social media and he claims not to use social media. He also doesn't always shares details of where he is / where he is staying when not with me although he will give a somewhat vague answer when I ask. Lately this seems to generally be with his kids, but I don't know if this is always the case.
Given my attachment issues, of course it has been a struggle for me to bring this up, or ask more questions as I would hate to seem like I'm prying and I want him to open up at his own pace. He had a very rough childhood, is a very private person, and has taken awhile to open up to me slowly about this. Recently I was able to communicate about my concerns after he asked me how I was feeling. I tried explaining that because he always comes to me given the nature of the arrangement, I feel like he has full access and transparency into my life, while I don’t have the same for him. I understand the delicate balance he has regarding his kids and I don't need to be introduced into that dynamic any time soon. I tried to explain that its more about clarity and transparency - having him share about his day makes me feel included and part of his life and helps to ease my doubts and anxieties. He does this sometimes for instance by facetiming and sending me pictures, but other times offers few details. He listened and said he never does this intentionally and agreed to try and be clearer. And I felt great for awhile.
But, lately I've been even more triggered because of his texting habits. I've noticed he always keeps his phone nearby, he has been texting on it more often, I even wonder if sometimes when we're out he goes to the bathroom just to text, and just the other night I woke up at 5am to look over and he was texting and quickly put his phone away. All of this taken together with the other stuff screams red flags to me as this is the exact type of arrangement that allows people to lead double lives, although given the amount of time he spends here I would think it would be difficult. I have not yet been able to bring up the texting as I really don't want to seem controlling or suspicious.
I am struggling to reconcile this behavior. In this case I've been wondering if attachment theory is only confusing me further and making it difficult to get a clear reading of the situation. While my alarm bells are going off like crazy, which I guess are gut instincts, then I watch Thais Gibson videos and wonder if its not my gut but my hypervigilance going into overactive mode now that I'm actually getting deeply attached, and that my fear/paranoia and trust issues might be leading me to assume too much and getting the best of me. I have had trouble in the past with self-sabotage and running away to avoid confrontation.
I realize a lot of this boils down to my struggle to communicate very openly about these things, although I have been trying to do so lately. Even so, the anxiety and fear is only getting worse. I have a very strong urge to cut and run before I get even more hurt than I'm already feeling, and I keep reminding myself how much simpler and safer life was when I was single. I would really appreciate any advice or insights on how to navigate this because feeling this way is just unsustainable.
