Open to your thoughts. Being human is tough.

I stumbled across this forum recently while in search of insight. For someone dealing with a platonic relationship, it’s frustrating how so much of what’s out there focuses on romantic issues. I have been trying to use bits and pieces as I see fit though. My long story:

Long distance work relationship that spanned more than a decade. My partner and I had the opportunity to meet this coworker and his wife 12 years ago, came away feeling like they were both great people and I was glad to be working alongside the husband. Well, as much as you can from a distance. There is a ~45 year age difference between them and myself. Our email exchanges were work related or we sent funny/cute animal pics, talk about any trips we went on, some life bits, that kind of thing. Second visit in person was six years after the first visit, again with my partner. We were in the older coworker’s state for a different purpose, but had some time to catch up with him and his wife and he gave us life advice on things we were dealing with. We were building a good friendship over the years.

Third in person visit was right on the precipice of the pandemic. That visit felt different, in a good way. Like he wanted us to feel more like extensions of his family and was trying to show it through cooking good food for us. It was very sweet. Lots of talking and getting to know each other more, just like previous visits. I came away wishing that he was an older relative of mine. I thought he felt the same way. And he might have for years, but never said it because how could an older male say this to a younger female without sounding creepy? So he didn’t. During that visit, there was a passing reference to him as ‘Papa’ and it clicked—a lot of the emails he had sent me over the last several years had two paw prints as his email signature, but I never gave it a second thought. Papa. He didn’t use that signature with everyone.

About a month later, when I was sick and told him, he did the parent thing of suggesting rest, vitamins, fluids, etc. My wishful feelings hadn’t changed, so I replied with an “ok, grandpa ” to see how he would react. He started signing [not all but a lot] of emails with that name. I was still unsure if he truly meant it or if it was a passing thing, but it was real. I got adopted and reciprocated the action. We kept that part of our relationship out of the work sphere at my request. I needed that separation between work and personal life. Boss also had some narc traits, so it was also protection from that.

Most recent visit was last summer. It was a good visit, but I was quietly finding it difficult to navigate this newer side of our relationship. How much affection I should show. The battle with shyness. It took a couple of days for me to call him by my online nickname for him in person. Once I did, he was eager to use his nickname for me. Had I told him that I loved him, he probably would have said the same…I just lost my nerve to do it. I’m not good at putting myself out there like that. I don't even tell my friends that I love them. Things were still great between us though. Given his age, I never took a day of our relationship for granted.

Everything fell apart at the end of the year over something minor. It was a work email exchange with me asking just him about including a specific image in something, then he responded in what I thought was an angry tone, writing a long paragraph and cc’d other coworkers on it. I was embarrassed and thought he made me look like an idiot. While I did not send a response saying that, I took the one sentence that mattered from his email and told him that that was all he needed to say. He never responded.

I gave it a few days because I was still mad and thought he might be, too. Then tried an innocuous message. No response, so I gave it a few more days. Did not mention the work thing. After Christmas, I tried apologizing in case I had misunderstood his message, if that was what was bothering him. Still no response. Several days passed and I asked one of his kids if he was ok and they said he was just busy. I didn’t believe it because he had always told me if he was busy or dealing with something else. A few weeks later, I asked if he was still mad at me. Nothing. I don’t know if I’m blocked over email. I am not blocked on his phone, or wasn't when I tried calling a couple of times.

I have been heartbroken after being abandoned by a relative I cared about before. This situation reopened that wound. Another couple of emails the following month, spaced out, basically how this wasn’t ok. Gave him options for fixing, then left it up to him. Then an upset email last month that boiled down to am I a bad person or did you screw up and run when we could have fixed it so fast months ago. I haven’t had to work with him since this silence started, so the timing was good in that respect. The whole situation is completely confusing and devastating though. He has been in contact with one of our other coworkers, but I don't know if he ever brought up our situation with this other person.

Both of us experienced childhood trauma, I’m a year or two into my reflection process, he lent his support when I was ready to tell him a little and told me some of what he experienced as a kid and figured out as an adult. I hoped he would ask again, but he never did. Probably waited for me to tell him more when I was ready to. I only found out about attachment theory a month ago and would consider myself an avoidant, maybe a fearful avoidant in this relationship, trying to not be a burden and finding it difficult to be loved. I think he’s also an avoidant. I never wanted to assume that he felt a specific positive way about me, but I never got that verbal validation that would have been so helpful in backing up his actions towards me. So much that needed to be said from both of us. Living states apart and not really having a chance to see someone often when building this kind of a relationship has been tough, too.

Please don’t tell me if he’s gone for good, I don’t want to think about that and feel like I already know the sad answer. Just feedback. What did I do wrong? How did he go from caring and steady to gone in the blink of an eye? I was under the impression that, based on what he had said in the past, he was willing to work through problems. He has been on the receiving end of the silent treatment (not from me) and it hurt him a great deal. So his silence doesn’t even make sense from that perspective. For the record, he has never been a grandparent and my grandparents were awful people, so I avoided them at all costs. Trying to have a healthy relationship of that sort was new territory for both of us. And...well...here I am, searching for answers.