Post by kismett on Dec 3, 2017 23:16:59 GMT
I'm going through an extremely painful time right now. A friend recently cut off all ties out of the blue and I'm trying to recover and make sense of it all.
I'm very aware I'm an anxious preoccupied attachment type. I need reassurance from friends they care for me and if I don't have some regular interaction with them I start to assume they don't like me anymore or that I did something wrong. Not having this interaction can cause a lot of distress for me - it's something I'm working on and I'm only making sense of why I'm like this in the last year.
I developed a very close friendship with someone I deeply care for over the last year. I knew him from a distance for a few years now, but only started to develop closeness with him in the spring. He always struck me as very private, but very charismatic, funny, friendly, and extremely smart and hard working. So I felt very special when he started to let me in.
A few things to note that looking back on, I'm almost 100% certain he is a DA.
1. We never talked about it, but he's 37 years old and has never been in a relationship. I assumed he hadn't and another person he knows confirmed this is true to me when I was trying to make sense of this. He has a lot of one-night stands, is on Grindr all the time, and has a number of friends with benefits. I can tell he wants a relationship and closeness - he almost gets carried away if he goes on a date with someone he kind of likes - but there is definitely armour there. He seems to have a lot of friends. I don't know how intimate these friendships are. But most people really like him but find him a bit of a closed book.
2. He was impossible to get a hold of 90% of the time. This caused enormous stress and pain for me. He wouldn't answer very innocent texts like something funny that happened to me that reminded me of him, a shared joke, a question if he wanted to get together sometime that week. It would take him sometimes 6 days to answer. He would say texts overwhelm him, that he's very busy, or that he is a lazy friend. But the inconsistency was incredibly distressing for me. I tried to manage it and accept that that's who he is. The odd time he would be incredibly responsive and friendly and then instantly be the opposite by the next interaction. As an AP it would trigger me a lot and completely occupy my mind making it hard to go about my day. Although it took him long to answer, he usually answered quite positively.
3. He smokes weed constantly. I have nothing against marijuana. I enjoy it myself occasionally. I never once spent time with him where he wasn't high on some level. He said it wasn't a coping mechanism, but I noticed he would be a bit more open and affectionate if he had smoked. I almost wonder if he is using it to numb out. He would often forget details I told him about my life and blame it on being high.
4. He has a ridiculous amount of hobbies - it's honestly endearing and part of one of the reasons I like him. But it borders on obsessive. They are usually intricate and elaborate and require complete attention and focus.
5. I gave him a gift once and it took him two weeks to open it. I got scared he must have hated it or I did something wrong and he only opened it a few days after I prodded him a bit. It was almost a source of stress for him. He also responded without much emotion to what was a very heartfelt gift and card.
6. If I opened up a bit emotionally about my past - becoming intimate - he would cut off the conversation with "Thanks, that's cool" or "Gotcha". He sometimes even kept physical distance from me - standing far apart while we talked and if I inched closer he would go even further away. His hugs were really shallow and I almost wasn't sure if I should give him a hug.
7. He told me once that he was afraid of the show "This Is Us" from the title alone. He said he was scared it would trigger him as it seemed too intimate.
I mean, this all seems very much DA behaviour. What happened before he completely cut off - we had gotten to a closer level of friendship - he saw my neighbourhood and he invited me to meet some of his friends. Because of this new level of closeness I picked up on, I probably got a lot more clingy and would text him more often. I wasn't aware he was DA at this point. He always responded positively and in a friendly way. Then I asked if he wanted to meet up the next day. He responded by saying yes in the afternoon. I didn't hear from him until the evening the next day and by then I had been triggered into an anxiety attack. He could tell I was upset and stressed and tried to brush it off by being funny. I then collected myself and asked if he can just let me know a bit earlier if plans are changing because it can cause a lot of stress for me. This wasn't the first time it happened and I wanted some kind of compromise. I could tell immediately something wasn't good after that - he became distant and I thought I ruined everything by asking for something that seemed reasonable to me. He then went on a trip for a week and when he got back I asked him if he was home and I wanted to hear about his trip. He then cut me off and said we were talking and seeing each other too frequently and that he struggles to find time for people in his life that he has had for a long time. Instead of discussing this with me (as this was the first time I was hearing this was an issue) he just said we can't be friends anymore. I panicked and was pleading to talk to him - a reaction I know was not the best. He got stressed and said he needs space and that this is too intense and we will talk later. I let a week go by and then acknowledged that I stressed him out and I'm sorry - but is there a good time we can talk about this. I was very much up for some compromise that would suit both of us. He said that we're done and past talking at this point and I should think about how I act and how I'm perceived when I respond to things.
It is beyond confusing, painful...I have been in horrible distress since. It feels like a huge part of me is gone - he is 8 years older than me and was like my big brother. I can't stress enough that we were very close and it was clearly a relationship that was building mutually until a sudden cut off. There were may instances and interactions that led me to believe he wanted to be closer friends ("You're my dear dear friend." "I adore you". "I can't wait for all the adventures we're going to have together"). I don't know what to do from here. I'm sure I'm out of his life. I want to write to him and explain some things about myself that I should have explained sooner and also to ask why couldn't we have talked about this? Another complication in all of this is that we are part of the same industry. We are bound to see each other and possibly be in the same work environment at some point (we are both musicians). I don't know how to handle all of this. The thing is, I know my attachment style isn't healthy for me or for others. But I have been in therapy and doing a lot of work on it. That's more than a lot of people can say. It was as though he had no empathy for someone who is a work in progress right now and is trying to be a better person. It was like a different person came back from his trip.
This is a horribly long post. I can't make sense of any of this. How to move forward. If I could have done something better in the past to fix things. If I can fix it now. I'm in so much pain.
I'm very aware I'm an anxious preoccupied attachment type. I need reassurance from friends they care for me and if I don't have some regular interaction with them I start to assume they don't like me anymore or that I did something wrong. Not having this interaction can cause a lot of distress for me - it's something I'm working on and I'm only making sense of why I'm like this in the last year.
I developed a very close friendship with someone I deeply care for over the last year. I knew him from a distance for a few years now, but only started to develop closeness with him in the spring. He always struck me as very private, but very charismatic, funny, friendly, and extremely smart and hard working. So I felt very special when he started to let me in.
A few things to note that looking back on, I'm almost 100% certain he is a DA.
1. We never talked about it, but he's 37 years old and has never been in a relationship. I assumed he hadn't and another person he knows confirmed this is true to me when I was trying to make sense of this. He has a lot of one-night stands, is on Grindr all the time, and has a number of friends with benefits. I can tell he wants a relationship and closeness - he almost gets carried away if he goes on a date with someone he kind of likes - but there is definitely armour there. He seems to have a lot of friends. I don't know how intimate these friendships are. But most people really like him but find him a bit of a closed book.
2. He was impossible to get a hold of 90% of the time. This caused enormous stress and pain for me. He wouldn't answer very innocent texts like something funny that happened to me that reminded me of him, a shared joke, a question if he wanted to get together sometime that week. It would take him sometimes 6 days to answer. He would say texts overwhelm him, that he's very busy, or that he is a lazy friend. But the inconsistency was incredibly distressing for me. I tried to manage it and accept that that's who he is. The odd time he would be incredibly responsive and friendly and then instantly be the opposite by the next interaction. As an AP it would trigger me a lot and completely occupy my mind making it hard to go about my day. Although it took him long to answer, he usually answered quite positively.
3. He smokes weed constantly. I have nothing against marijuana. I enjoy it myself occasionally. I never once spent time with him where he wasn't high on some level. He said it wasn't a coping mechanism, but I noticed he would be a bit more open and affectionate if he had smoked. I almost wonder if he is using it to numb out. He would often forget details I told him about my life and blame it on being high.
4. He has a ridiculous amount of hobbies - it's honestly endearing and part of one of the reasons I like him. But it borders on obsessive. They are usually intricate and elaborate and require complete attention and focus.
5. I gave him a gift once and it took him two weeks to open it. I got scared he must have hated it or I did something wrong and he only opened it a few days after I prodded him a bit. It was almost a source of stress for him. He also responded without much emotion to what was a very heartfelt gift and card.
6. If I opened up a bit emotionally about my past - becoming intimate - he would cut off the conversation with "Thanks, that's cool" or "Gotcha". He sometimes even kept physical distance from me - standing far apart while we talked and if I inched closer he would go even further away. His hugs were really shallow and I almost wasn't sure if I should give him a hug.
7. He told me once that he was afraid of the show "This Is Us" from the title alone. He said he was scared it would trigger him as it seemed too intimate.
I mean, this all seems very much DA behaviour. What happened before he completely cut off - we had gotten to a closer level of friendship - he saw my neighbourhood and he invited me to meet some of his friends. Because of this new level of closeness I picked up on, I probably got a lot more clingy and would text him more often. I wasn't aware he was DA at this point. He always responded positively and in a friendly way. Then I asked if he wanted to meet up the next day. He responded by saying yes in the afternoon. I didn't hear from him until the evening the next day and by then I had been triggered into an anxiety attack. He could tell I was upset and stressed and tried to brush it off by being funny. I then collected myself and asked if he can just let me know a bit earlier if plans are changing because it can cause a lot of stress for me. This wasn't the first time it happened and I wanted some kind of compromise. I could tell immediately something wasn't good after that - he became distant and I thought I ruined everything by asking for something that seemed reasonable to me. He then went on a trip for a week and when he got back I asked him if he was home and I wanted to hear about his trip. He then cut me off and said we were talking and seeing each other too frequently and that he struggles to find time for people in his life that he has had for a long time. Instead of discussing this with me (as this was the first time I was hearing this was an issue) he just said we can't be friends anymore. I panicked and was pleading to talk to him - a reaction I know was not the best. He got stressed and said he needs space and that this is too intense and we will talk later. I let a week go by and then acknowledged that I stressed him out and I'm sorry - but is there a good time we can talk about this. I was very much up for some compromise that would suit both of us. He said that we're done and past talking at this point and I should think about how I act and how I'm perceived when I respond to things.
It is beyond confusing, painful...I have been in horrible distress since. It feels like a huge part of me is gone - he is 8 years older than me and was like my big brother. I can't stress enough that we were very close and it was clearly a relationship that was building mutually until a sudden cut off. There were may instances and interactions that led me to believe he wanted to be closer friends ("You're my dear dear friend." "I adore you". "I can't wait for all the adventures we're going to have together"). I don't know what to do from here. I'm sure I'm out of his life. I want to write to him and explain some things about myself that I should have explained sooner and also to ask why couldn't we have talked about this? Another complication in all of this is that we are part of the same industry. We are bound to see each other and possibly be in the same work environment at some point (we are both musicians). I don't know how to handle all of this. The thing is, I know my attachment style isn't healthy for me or for others. But I have been in therapy and doing a lot of work on it. That's more than a lot of people can say. It was as though he had no empathy for someone who is a work in progress right now and is trying to be a better person. It was like a different person came back from his trip.
This is a horribly long post. I can't make sense of any of this. How to move forward. If I could have done something better in the past to fix things. If I can fix it now. I'm in so much pain.
. Not him - he became condescending about my intellect - before he was completely appreciative of my intelligence - and the following day told me he had deleted me from his phone completely. I was shocked - no one has had that kind of reaction ever in my life. Nothing since then. He got activated and distanced himself. I still don't completely understand and probably never will - but I know that can be a pretty typical DA reaction.