Fearful-Avoidant dating a more extreme Fearful-Avoidant | Jeb Kinnison Attachment Type Forum

sequoia
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Fearful-Avoidant dating a more extreme Fearful-Avoidant May 31, 2022 1:00:14 GMT

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Post by sequoia on May 31, 2022 1:00:14 GMT

Okay where to even begin. I met a man (I'll call him Rob) about a year ago through online dating. I am now 30 and he is 40. From the beginning I felt a strong chemistry with him. We both are kinda playful goofy people. At first things seemed to be going very well, he would tell me how much he liked me and how things felt different with me/ he saw potential etc. But then the next time we hung out, I saw that he had the dating app still on his phone and that caused me to be aloof / change my body language and not be as friendly. I realized I didn't have a right really to get mad since we didn't have that conversation about whether we were exclusive. So the next time we hung out, I basically told him that I found his behavior confusing because one week he would act like I was the love of his life and then the next week when I basically tried to define the relationship he said he wasn't ready and that "he liked me too much". I then set up a boundary and said that I wasn't going to be put on the back burner and after that he again started showing me a lot of attention again saying how much he liked me etc, only for the next week to be aloof and not available to make plans. I ended up ending things out of frustration and we stopped talking..

A month or so later he came back, messaging me and I didn't respond because in my mind I was over it. He continued to persist, continuing to text me even tho I didn't respond. Finally, I gave in and we ended up meeting up, again sparks flying and we ended up sleeping together. Another underlying issue is that he would always try to not use a condom and I would have to always insist that he does, I always felt like he took it personal like I didn't trust him whenever I set this boundary. We met up again and then after that interaction he seemed to get distant again. I asked if he wanted to hangout and he said that he would be busy with his brother and then basically we just stopped talking again. I moved on. A couple months later he texts me out of the blue again trying to restart. I ignore and end up blocking him. I started to date someone else for a few months. That ends up ending and I am back on online dating.

Rob sees me on there and ends up messaging me "Hey , I should have told you but I saw you were still on online dating and I got hurt so I stopped talking. I should have told you but I was mad and didn't want to talk". I respond and tell him that I feel like the same things are just gonna happen over and over again and that it's important for us to talk about it. He says sure but I can tell he tries to evade the conversation anytime I try to bring it up. We eventually meet up again, and he starts laying it on thick once again telling me how "he feels this intense connection with me , like he is either going to know me my whole life or already has".. He takes me to nice dinners and dates. I refrain from sleeping with me but eventually it happens. At that point, I see him pulling away at times like not being responsive or setting boundaries like "I can only hang between 6 and9" and I admit my fearful avoidant side gets triggered and a couple times I would get mad at him and I could feel him pulling back and going distant for a few days. There were times where I told him that I tried to calmly communicate how I felt and he would respond well to that but I would eventually get frustrated if he didn't respond to something I said. Eventually we kinda stop talking because at this point I am also trying not to be so focused on him as I feel like he will hurt me again.

We don't talk for about a month and then he messages me again trying to rekindle things saying he wants to take me to this really nice dinner etc. We end up meeting again twice but then this last time, he had been texting me and I was taking a long while to get back to him cuz I had a super busy weekend and I think this triggered him. So he doesn't respond to my response. I try to reach out to see how his week is and he is super short with me and aloof and now we are just not talking again. I think he may also be very triggered by the recent shooting because he is actually in law enforcement, and really hates his job, wants to leave and is shameful of how negatively law enforcement is perceived these days.

This is honestly such a hellish cycle- I dunno how much I contribute and how much is just him. At this point should I communicate with him? Or let him just deactivate. Thanks for reading! I know it is a lot.

alexandra
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Fearful-Avoidant dating a more extreme Fearful-Avoidant May 31, 2022 6:31:22 GMT via mobile annieb likes this

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Post by alexandra on May 31, 2022 6:31:22 GMT

The amount that is you is the part of you that responds to him. You can't break this kind of cycle with someone unless you choose to get off the merry-go-round for good. It's very difficult to do that for an AP or FA attacher because your attachment style screams for reconnection (that's the part of you that fears abandonment). But you're right that doing so just starts the cycle back up to repeat again and again.

I have found that the reason I participated in these cycles instead of walking away was because I didn't feel like I was enough. I was effectively abandoning myself! Because sitting alone without those overwhelming feelings of connection was hard, and I felt a lack of identity that I didn't know how to provide for myself. There are other threads about connecting to yourself, learning who you are, what you need, what you enjoy, and building up your own security in that way. When you commit to doing that, it becomes easier to walk away from unhealthy connections because you know you'll be okay without the distraction and highs and lows of that roller coaster of someone else providing validation then taking it away.

Otherwise, nothing changes unless he changes, and that's quite unlikely. You're at least here thinking about it, asking the questions, knowing you're FA but trying to learn how to manage what that means. So I think you're better off betting on yourself here and using your awareness to really close the door rather than giving him the power to keep dropping in whenever he feels like it.

introvert
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Posts: 1,130

Fearful-Avoidant dating a more extreme Fearful-Avoidant May 31, 2022 14:28:29 GMT via mobile annieb likes this

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Post by introvert on May 31, 2022 14:28:29 GMT

There's a dark side to knowing about attachment theory... when it causes you to want to make concessions and excuses for someone else's bad behavior.

I say "make concessions" and "excuses" because if AT theory is used to truly UNDERSTAND someone else then it would be understood that someone behaving this erratically and DISRESPECTFULLY is incapable of a relationship, and that would be that. Done.

It's good you know about your own attachment style. I'd recommend leaving his with him, unresolved, and accepting that he's not relationship material, and that's all you need to know. Also, it's not enough to just know your own attachment style if you want to develop a romantic relationship... it's necessary to change it through therapeutic or active self help work. So, the FA in you is what has caused you to get stuck in this loop. If you know about it but don't actively work to change that, you will be doomed to this kind of hot/cold cycle perpetually that will never work out as a stable relationship.

It's confusing stuff, and we all have been working through our own issues here. Lots of good reading and information is available here if you would like to heal yourself. The only good piece of information here about him, however, is that he's not demonstrating relationship behaviors. He's pushing to get what he wants in the moment. Then he's unaccountable for anything that comes next. It doesn't matter why he's doing it. It only matters why you're allowing it.

sequoia
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Fearful-Avoidant dating a more extreme Fearful-Avoidant May 31, 2022 22:37:55 GMT elizabeth likes this

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Post by sequoia on May 31, 2022 22:37:55 GMT

May 31, 2022 14:28:29 GMT introvert said:

There's a dark side to knowing about attachment theory... when it causes you to want to make concessions and excuses for someone else's bad behavior.

I say "make concessions" and "excuses" because if AT theory is used to truly UNDERSTAND someone else then it would be understood that someone behaving this erratically and DISRESPECTFULLY is incapable of a relationship, and that would be that. Done.

It's good you know about your own attachment style. I'd recommend leaving his with him, unresolved, and accepting that he's not relationship material, and that's all you need to know. Also, it's not enough to just know your own attachment style if you want to develop a romantic relationship... it's necessary to change it through therapeutic or active self help work. So, the FA in you is what has caused you to get stuck in this loop. If you know about it but don't actively work to change that, you will be doomed to this kind of hot/cold cycle perpetually that will never work out as a stable relationship.

It's confusing stuff, and we all have been working through our own issues here. Lots of good reading and information is available here if you would like to heal yourself. The only good piece of information here about him, however, is that he's not demonstrating relationship behaviors. He's pushing to get what he wants in the moment. Then he's unaccountable for anything that comes next. It doesn't matter why he's doing it. It only matters why you're allowing it.

Thank you all. I appreciate you responses. I have been trying to address my attachment issues by not being so reactionary with him. However, you're right how this does not change how he decides to respond to events. For example, he gets upset if I don't respond to him right away within that instant and I feel like he punishes me then by stonewalling. I've heard it's good to give fearful avoidance space, however alternatively I could see this triggering his abandonment so it seems to be a lose-lose situation however I approach it? When I have addressed these issues in a calm manner and that it's not healthy to be in that situation, he does seem to come back and put on a big show with nice dinners etc, but it'll only be a week or 2 until he gets cold and distant.

introvert
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Posts: 1,130

Fearful-Avoidant dating a more extreme Fearful-Avoidant Jun 1, 2022 1:49:17 GMT via mobile

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Post by introvert on Jun 1, 2022 1:49:17 GMT

May 31, 2022 22:37:55 GMT sequoia said:

May 31, 2022 14:28:29 GMT introvert said:

There's a dark side to knowing about attachment theory... when it causes you to want to make concessions and excuses for someone else's bad behavior.

I say "make concessions" and "excuses" because if AT theory is used to truly UNDERSTAND someone else then it would be understood that someone behaving this erratically and DISRESPECTFULLY is incapable of a relationship, and that would be that. Done.

It's good you know about your own attachment style. I'd recommend leaving his with him, unresolved, and accepting that he's not relationship material, and that's all you need to know. Also, it's not enough to just know your own attachment style if you want to develop a romantic relationship... it's necessary to change it through therapeutic or active self help work. So, the FA in you is what has caused you to get stuck in this loop. If you know about it but don't actively work to change that, you will be doomed to this kind of hot/cold cycle perpetually that will never work out as a stable relationship.

It's confusing stuff, and we all have been working through our own issues here. Lots of good reading and information is available here if you would like to heal yourself. The only good piece of information here about him, however, is that he's not demonstrating relationship behaviors. He's pushing to get what he wants in the moment. Then he's unaccountable for anything that comes next. It doesn't matter why he's doing it. It only matters why you're allowing it.

Thank you all. I appreciate you responses. I have been trying to address my attachment issues by not being so reactionary with him. However, you're right how this does not change how he decides to respond to events. For example, he gets upset if I don't respond to him right away within that instant and I feel like he punishes me then by stonewalling. I've heard it's good to give fearful avoidance space, however alternatively I could see this triggering his abandonment so it seems to be a lose-lose situation however I approach it? When I have addressed these issues in a calm manner and that it's not healthy to be in that situation, he does seem to come back and put on a big show with nice dinners etc, but it'll only be a week or 2 until he gets cold and distant.

It sounds like a truly shitty situation. Good luck!

alexandra
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Posts: 2,916

Fearful-Avoidant dating a more extreme Fearful-Avoidant Jun 1, 2022 5:16:41 GMT via mobile Dualcitizen likes this

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Post by alexandra on Jun 1, 2022 5:16:41 GMT

I will share that, from personal experience, it's extremely difficult to address your own attachment issues while dating another insecure attacher. Especially one who is more extreme than you. It can sometimes work if the stars really align perfectly and you're both equally aware and self-motivated to work on yourselves. But if only one of you is truly interested in healing your issues, then two insecure attachers together will just trigger each other, distracting you from the work you need to do and the space you really do need to do it.

I did manage to earn secure over a period of time soon after I was in an on-off relationship with a fairly extreme FA. We broke up, I went no contact for the better part of a year and focused on myself and working through my AP issues (though I didn't know much about attachment theory or have those words or awareness to describe what I was doing until well after the fact). Then we slowly tried to get back together, so it was this sort of emotional situationship for many months where I was really working hard on being secure and was almost there, and then we even got back together. And he almost immediately dumped me again, which ended up being the final push I needed for everything I'd been working through to click, for me to basically say wtf, what am I even doing??, and fully earn secure! Going through that experience with him, being in a relationship for almost a year as a full on AP, then being no contact for almost as long, then being far more secure and basically dating him again while he hadn't changed his patterns at all, was pretty important to my process because I was able to directly compare -- it didn't matter if I was AP or basically secure, he acted exactly the same no matter what!

So addressing your own attachment issues doesn't mean trying to be less reactionary in service to him and how it may help him. It's taking every opportunity to practice reconditioning your nervous system for yourself, practicing better communication, better boundaries, and asserting your needs. And then seeing clearly that, if you're doing those things and someone isn't responding in a consistent and respectful way, it can't be a healthy and mature relationship. Seeing clearly means really seeing who the other person is, no projection, no dating potential rather than current reality, no trying to manage the other person's behaviors or feelings. Just being present and deciding if their responses to you are in a pattern over time that makes you feel safe and calm.

Last Edit: Jun 1, 2022 5:17:10 GMT by alexandra