|
|
Post by jezebel89 on Jun 14, 2022 18:42:58 GMT
TL;DR: reconnected with ex from a long time ago, everything felt mostly great until he ignored me/didn’t respond for a few days which made me freak out and question if I like him or not.
Hi all
I know nothing about attachment theory until I did some research on my last relationship and why it went wrong and I still don’t know. I really hope someone can help.
I’m 32f and my ex is 39m. I got in contact with him again after nearly 10 years as I just came out of a toxic relationship and it hit me - he was amazing when I was with him and I never appreciated him! I used to stand him up a lot because I thought I wanted to see my friends more and party (I do not do this anymore!) I thought about him every day and he agreed to meet up with me after all these years.
The last two months I’ve been seeing him has mostly been amazing. We moved very fast and spent all of spare time together. I would stay at his often and would leave things at his so I could stay over whenever. He gave me a spare key. I have chased him hard initially and apologised a lot for what I don’t to him in the past. I sent lots of texts and pics and he was a little guarded after I treated him badly last time but he has everything I look for. He is good looking, funny, has his own place and is calm and friendly. My family know him and they love him too.
I felt myself amazed by him but sometimes small doubts would creep in and I was worried if I was attracted to him enough or not? Sometimes I think I felt bored and if my feelings were ‘there’ but he treated me so well and he is everything I look for, so I am confused?
I wondered what he thought of me, if he was thinking i was drinking too much, or noticing my grey hairs or thinking of me in a bad way . He never said anything like that and constantly called me beautiful and made me feel safe. I wanted to spend my time with him as much as I could.
Everything was going well, we’d met his parents and mine again and he’d met my children. One day he wanted me to meet his friends and I was so anxious about this. He made lots of changes to make me feel ok and even said he would just see me but in the end I stayed with my sister and her husband and invited him round to see us. He told me to enjoy myself and let him know if I wanted to see him later. He wasn’t happy and I can understand why but I felt so nervous about meeting them I had to stay away. We didn’t talk for 2 days but I apologised. He was ok with that. I felt really guilty but he just brushed it aside and said we would talk about it in the future.
Everything was going well and i was really looking forward to seeing him one weekend and he text to say he was tired and pushed back picking me up by an hour. I asked if he wanted to see me and he said 100% he did. I cancelled on him in the end as I was tired also and we agreed to meet the next day. In the morning I was ill and he was ok and wished me well. I text him a bit later and got no reply. He seemed annoyed again.
Anyway I started to have the doubts about my feelings for him again and wondered if he was anything more than a friend or did I like him enough romantically? I contacted him a couple of days later and asked if I could call him to talk. He said it’s fine and hoped I was ok. I said yes and left it at that.
I didn’t contact him as I was in my head about things and he text later that night saying I didn’t have to call but to let him know I was ok. I read it and didn’t respond. He text me 3 days later and asked again and again I couldn’t respond, I felt frozen and didn’t know what to say. All my doubts were swirling round my head and I honestly thought about ending it.
Eventually I replied and told him I’d call him in 3 days and that all was ok with me. He asked if it was about us and if it was, could I call him now.. eventually, I did call him. And then it came out. I told him I wasn’t feeling a romantic connection and that I would like to be friends with him and have him in my life. He was respectful but very upset. He couldn’t agree to friends. He asked me why I chased him and said all the things I said to him (I told him I wouldn’t let him go again, he was the first guy I’d felt like this towards - lots of other lovey-dovey stuff I did feel at the time). I told him I was confused which I felt like I was. I really wanted to get off the phone quick and made my excuses to leave.
A week later he sent me a note saying he’d wished he’d done more and took me on shopping trips, not given me shopping lists (we would always cook together when we stayed round each other’s houses). A really sweet note but I kind of felt my mind was made up now, I couldn’t feel the same way he felt about me.
He asked if we can talk. I told him not to blame himself and yes we could. He said we went too fast too soon and we should go from the start. My mind was confused and I told him that he can call me and text me anytime but I only see him as a friend. He couldn’t understand as I was the one who chased him and would send him lots of messages and texts and how I could just cut off like that. I didn’t know why either I just said my feelings cannot be changed and that’s how I felt. He respected that and wished me well for the future. It was awkward but I could not explain why I felt like this. I didn’t want to lose him though and asked we could still meet up as friends, go for drinks. He said he couldn’t do that and it would hurt too much.
These doubts really crept in when he didn’t speak to me for 3 days and I started to convince myself to only have him as a friend after this, even though he ticks all my boxes as a partner. I got anxious and worried and everything just shut off. When I was with him in the past relationship he used to chase me and now he didn’t? This also confused me and made me feel perhaps he didn’t care either?
We have been in NC for 3 weeks. I text him a week ago and said I hoped he was ok but he didn’t reply. Im confused. Why did my feelings change is quick? Did I give it enough time? I felt so strongly towards him at the start but after not having any contact with him for a few days it all changed?
Im starting to really worry that I may have lost him completely but I still don’t know if I do want him. I keep telling myself maybe I wasn’t into him but then I remember all the good things and sometimes think I am? I feel so guilty I left him but I needed to run away. I thought maybe I was leading him on?
I really don’t know how to process all of this and reading up on avoidant attachment I think I might have called this off without realising what I truly want. Did I deactivate?
Please help!
|
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Jun 14, 2022 19:29:54 GMT
Not enough information yet, but there are some indicators in what you said that you may be FA: you've been in toxic relationships (all insecures tend to stick around for these because they have boundary issues and normalized dysfunction from their upbringing, but FA are the most likely to get involved with someone abusive), you are interested in the chase and longing for someone but when they are available to you and not putting you on a roller coaster then lose access to what you interpret as romantic feelings, and you found a guy who is still single at 39 and was willing to give things another chance going full speed ahead and was trying to salvage things with you (starting over yet again but slower), which implies he also has boundary issues. Like often attracts like, so I wouldn't be surprised if he's also got an insecure attachment style, and you were an FA-AP pairing (which inevitably goes in about the pattern you just experienced). Have you taken an attachment assessment? You can try this one: dianepooleheller.com/attachment-test/Generally, if you score about 60%+ secure then that's your overall style. Under 60% secure but with a majority of the second highest in either AP or DA would mean that AP or DA is the overall style. And if it's closer to 25% quarters across all 4 styles, that's generally overall FA with a leaning towards anxious or avoidant being whichever of AP or DA is higher. I think you should leave this guy alone for now regardless because you're not ready to be a consistent partner to him. You have work to do on your own connection to yourself and likely healing some past trauma. There's likely leftover issues to deal with after getting out of a toxic romantic relationship like you had before you started seeing him, and your childhood may have primed you for staying with a toxic partner in the first place, which means lots for you to unpack. That's the key to attachment theory: it's giving you a starting point to explore your patterns and connection to yourself so you know what needs healing within yourself and can get the appropriate help (maybe therapy with a talk therapist who specializes in attachment theory, maybe somatic experience therapy, knowing what to call your issues really helps in seeking out information and treatment to address them). |
|
|
|
Post by jezebel89 on Jun 14, 2022 20:29:32 GMT
Not enough information yet, but there are some indicators in what you said that you may be FA: you've been in toxic relationships (all insecures tend to stick around for these because they have boundary issues and normalized dysfunction from their upbringing, but FA are the most likely to get involved with someone abusive), you are interested in the chase and longing for someone but when they are available to you and not putting you on a roller coaster then lose access to what you interpret as romantic feelings, and you found a guy who is still single at 39 and was willing to give things another chance going full speed ahead and was trying to salvage things with you (starting over yet again but slower), which implies he also has boundary issues. Like often attracts like, so I wouldn't be surprised if he's also got an insecure attachment style, and you were an FA-AP pairing (which inevitably goes in about the pattern you just experienced). Have you taken an attachment assessment? You can try this one: dianepooleheller.com/attachment-test/Generally, if you score about 60%+ secure then that's your overall style. Under 60% secure but with a majority of the second highest in either AP or DA would mean that AP or DA is the overall style. And if it's closer to 25% quarters across all 4 styles, that's generally overall FA with a leaning towards anxious or avoidant being whichever of AP or DA is higher. I think you should leave this guy alone for now regardless because you're not ready to be a consistent partner to him. You have work to do on your own connection to yourself and likely healing some past trauma. There's likely leftover issues to deal with after getting out of a toxic romantic relationship like you had before you started seeing him, and your childhood may have primed you for staying with a toxic partner in the first place, which means lots for you to unpack. That's the key to attachment theory: it's giving you a starting point to explore your patterns and connection to yourself so you know what needs healing within yourself and can get the appropriate help (maybe therapy with a talk therapist who specializes in attachment theory, maybe somatic experience therapy, knowing what to call your issues really helps in seeking out information and treatment to address them). Hi Alexandra Thank you for the reply :-) Since I found attachment theory its all I’ve been looking at. I had to trawl through pages of ‘you just weren’t that into him’ stuff which left me more confused as I think I did really like him but he wasn’t who I remembered him to be (the same, but did not chase me like he did first time round). I am so confused as to what to do now. It’s true my relationship before him was toxic and I did stay longer than I felt comfortable as we had children together but it was not comfortable but I couldn’t get out or felt like I couldn’t. I only broke up with my ex ex in December and it was only in March I thought about dating again but my current ex was on my mind waaaaaaay before that (I treated him bad last time and felt guilty for it, he had to walk away in the end when I told him I never loved him). Now I’ve said the same thing for all intents and purposes again and hurt him again. What I don’t understand is he is a great guy and I did want it be with him but he upset me when he didn’t respond and I just … shut down? I don’t know how to describe it but what I felt for him all before had gone? All my small doubts became confirmed, by this action. I do miss him and hope he’s ok. Would it be wrong to check in again? You think I should leave him alone for now? I messaged him 2 weeks ago and didn’t reply? I am left on unread but I don’t think he’s blocked me. My parents are really good to me but my mother can be quite overbearing sometimes. She had a lot of anxiety issues when I was young and my dad would always be there for me. My dad is brilliant but he is disappointed in me with this and told me to leave him alone also. I should perhaps have said first time round but I suffer from extreme social anxiety and the attacks are really bad at the moment. I have been on anti depressants for 5 years and can sometimes not feel anything anyway - I probably should have said this earlier but would that be a factor as to why I feel numb sometimes? I took the test and here are my scores; Your Attachment Style Secure 22.2% Avoidant/Dismissive 13.6% Ambivalent/Anxious 42% Disorganised 22.2% Forgive me, not sure what to make if it!? |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Jun 15, 2022 4:48:22 GMT
I should perhaps have said first time round but I suffer from extreme social anxiety and the attacks are really bad at the moment. I have been on anti depressants for 5 years and can sometimes not feel anything anyway - I probably should have said this earlier but would that be a factor as to why I feel numb sometimes? I took the test and here are my scores; Your Attachment Style Secure 22.2% Avoidant/Dismissive 13.6% Ambivalent/Anxious 42% Disorganised 22.2% Forgive me, not sure what to make if it!? I do read that as disorganized/FA (it's close to the 25% quarters, which is a high FA %) with a tendency to swing anxious most of the time. I HATE the just not that into you stuff, and it's everywhere. When I was AP it triggered me anxious to no end, and it wasn't helpful at all. I get the point, it's some tough love and simplification for people who don't want to let go of pining, longing, and hoping for someone that isn't going to commit to them. But for insecures, it creates a sense of blame plus it oversimplifies something that isn't so simple. Yes, the idea that it's not the right match for you so don't waste your own time getting stuck and overanalyzing is a fine one. But it doesn't address why the dynamic is happening or encourage introspection on either end. Why one person maybe does care but can't commit and why the other is willing to subvert their own needs for an unfulfilling situation... and if you ignore those questions by writing a situation off as just not that into someone without introspection, you will never be able to fix anything. Yes, I would give him space and not contact him again for the time being. He is hurting, and you will keep going back and forth with him because your ambivalence isn't actually about him. It may feel like it is, but it's a lot less about him and more about some disconnection within yourself that you need to decide if you're going to deal with. You talk about being numb. Yes, that can be part of insecure attachment. APs may daydream about an ideal relationship to have a fantasy to escape to, DAs may get overwhelmed and experience a shutdown of their nervous system and numb out, FAs may do either one of these things or even all out disassociate. These are dysfunctional defense mechanisms that develop when you're younger, that serve a purpose at the time (they can make complex emotions easier for a kid to live with) but no longer serve you as an adult. AP and the anxious side of FA stems from a nervous system overwhelm combined with a fear of abandonment. DA and the avoidant side of FA stems from nervous system shut down combined with a fear of engulfment. FA often has roots in either being enmeshed with a parent, or in a parent causing the child to be in a parent role (whether that's parenting themselves, parenting other siblings, or even emotionally parenting the parent). If your mom struggled when you were young, even if it was through no fault of her own and she did the best she could, that is extremely likely to have had a deep impact on you that you've carried around. You talk about being on antidepressants. Do you have a therapist or only a doctor to prescribe anxiety medication? In my opinion, the right medication can be a great help, but it's not enough to heal you on its own. It can put you in a stable and steady enough emotional mindset to work with a therapist to start to sort through whatever issues are popping up, help get you into a good place to start to deal with them. So having one doctor for the anxiety is a good start but you should consider looking into therapy as well. |
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Jun 15, 2022 6:19:02 GMT
Diane Poole Heller and her office recommends that you take her test 6 times: Diane suggests that you take the test 6 times. One thinking of your dad, one mother, one with each of your exes, one when you were stressed and one when you were calm. ( alexandra ?) FA - if you have been scared by your parents or your home enviroment or by the way your parents connected has been scary to you as a child, a part of you often becomes desorganized. A parents own nerveussystem can be buzzing because of their own trauma so that their nerveussystem is not well regulated, but they do not have to do anything in particular that is scary. Infants nerveussystem s sucks up every little thing. It can also happen before you are born, in the mothers uterous jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1188/attatchment-style-decription-relying-thetestsWhy you can’t just only rely on a test jebkinnisonforum.com/post/29827/Also a test cant pick up your body language, your tone of voice ect. jebkinnisonforum.com/post/45685/Other traumatic events that can give you trauma, that can have an influence on your attatchmentstyle, how you bond to other people, on your nerveussystem ect. jebkinnisonforum.com/post/12359/You can have a pinched nerve in your neck/spine so that it can impact your vagus nerve and your ability to regulate your own nerveussystem Your atlas, c1, c2 can have been pushed forward/backwards so that your vagus nerve can’t work properly Your psoas can impact your nerveussystem A lot of stress, vitamin and mineral deficiencies, your diet your hormones Where you are in your menstrual cycle and how your menstrual cycle works If you are using birth control pills or not toxins ect. can also impact your health and your nerveussystem |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Jun 15, 2022 6:53:44 GMT
Yes, anne12 is right, there are different attachments to different attachment figures in your life (for example, someone could be AP overall but have an FA attachment to their mother AP to father and secure with friends). So who you are thinking about and how stressed you are can shift outcomes around a little. I also like to recommend this link to get a sense of if there's a spread among different folks in your life. It's set up to ask you to think about different people when you answer questions (requires email sign up because it will let you take the test multiple times over time and track your results if you desire, and is free): yourpersonality.net/attachment/ |
|
|
|
Post by jezebel89 on Jun 15, 2022 7:52:28 GMT
Thank you all for your replies. I will leave him alone.
I’ve not considered therapy as this is the first time I’ve looked into things as I couldn’t understand how my feelings changed so much, like a shutdown. I am not repulsed, I just don’t want anything romantically and keeping him as a friend seems most safe for me, if that makes sense? I do care about him though I just don’t know what I feel about him as a partner. I was sure I did want him and then I was sure I didn’t, now I don’t know at all.
For what it’s worth and if I recall from the past relationship, I would rearrange our dates to suit me and if he pushed back about it I used to tell him he ‘wasn’t right for me’ or float the idea of breaking up as he wouldn’t do the things I wanted to do.
This time round we barely dated, we went out once properly and the rest of the time I spent round his or my place, just watching tv shows and sleeping together. Before I ended it with him I was thinking it was a bit boring but I didn’t want to do anything else and thought the boredom was down to me losing attraction as I should feel something, even if we’re just doing couple things. On the final call he said we should go from the start, go slow and actually date and do stuff - he said we didn’t bond doing those things. I told him I would know when I am with the right person as I would feel romantically attached even if I was just with them watching tv.
As you can imagine, I am reading other peoples stories and I’m starting to re-doubt my own doubts as everything seems a pattern?
At the start of the relationship I remember feeling so anxious and nervous around him - is this what I translate as being in love? As the anxiety is confused with excitement perhaps? I’ve read so much now about avoidant types considering those feelings as ‘love’. But by the same token I had moments where I could not get enough of him and he did make me feel safe.
I cannot explain how confusing all this is to me now. I want him but I don’t want him, I am guilty and sad but at other times I am numb. And now I am thinking of him but trying to keep myself from speaking to him. What to do…
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Jun 15, 2022 7:57:11 GMT
“I should perhaps have said first time round but I suffer from extreme social anxiety and the attacks are really bad at the moment. I have been on anti depressants for 5 years and can sometimes not feel anything anyway - I probably should have said this earlier but would that be a factor as to why I feel numb sometimes? “ Yes this could have an impact… What do the experts / doctors tell you about your extreme social anxiety and the attacks ? What is their explanation ? Why do you think you have them ? How do you deal with these attatcs ? Irene Lyon - what your doctor don’t tell/ask you about anxiety, and if not treated how it can turn into depression ect. - youtu.be/bwEowek9mn4Irene Lyon - what is trauma - youtu.be/gFIY79R-RRMAnd how do you deal with your numbness ? Are you able to move, speak or ? The shut down could be a collapse in your nerveus system tnr9 has been on anti depressants and she has worked with an SE/attatchment/trauma therapist. I don’t know if she still needs her anti depressant’s after she has gone through se therapy ? You could have a very dysregulated nerveussystem. If you have never tried working with an (SE= somatic practitioner) expert who is well trained in working with the nerveussystem, I would give it a try. It’s called button up….they often switch between button up and top down techniques and sometimes they can use touch therapy ect. You can maybe get an idea of what I am talking about, by reading through some of these threads. If you are in survival mode, there is no room for love, because you are busy trying to survive. You have to work with the instinctive level first of all. Trapped Stress in your system is Toxic and it Causes Illness When we don’t come down and out of our stress responses we (can) end up with stress-related ailments. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1073/healing-disorganized-attatchment-chock-traumajebkinnisonforum.com/post/12359/ - Other possible reasons for trauma/disorganised behavior - also later in life: (fight, flight, freeze (fawn) survival responses) Are you a fighter, fleer, a freezer or a fawner - jebkinnisonforum.com/post/35034/ |
|
|
|
Post by sunrisequest on Jun 15, 2022 9:24:16 GMT
Gosh, jezebel89 , reading your post is like looking into the mind of my ex! I just want to honour you for a second and say well done for coming here and being honest about how things are for you, and what you're struggling with. It's not easy facing up to our own patterns at all, so I think you're very brave for being here and giving it a go. I don't have the answers to the questions you're asking about FA attachment specifically because I am more AP (which it sounds a bit like your ex is also). All I can do is tell you what it feels like from the other side, and what I wished that my ex could have done for me... I wish that my ex had been honest with me about his tendency to push people away and to need space as a regular thing, even if he said he didn't know why he did it, but it's something that happens for him regularly. I wish that he had been honest about the anxiety that he felt from the get-go in the relationship (he was the same as you and clearly felt SO much anxiety from the beginning and he eventually said it was my fault for having a focus on self growth, but I know now that it was his attachment anxiety going haywire). And I wish that he had the strength to stay away when he'd made the decision to leave, instead of trying to draw me in for another couple of rounds of the same with promises of things being different etc. The coming and the going is very damaging... Things don't just suddenly become different. It takes a lot of self awareness and work to change such a confusing dynamic. You never know what the future might hold for both of you, but it does sound like there is work to be done first to understand your own patterns yourself before you're in a position to communicate them to a partner. oh, and just one thought on your comment about anxiety being confused with love... I think that attraction and chemistry in the beginning stages is usually off the charts for an FA/AP mix. That's because you have similar abilities to connect deeply to each other before all the attachment stuff kicks in.. it can feel like you're truly seen and understood. Thais Gibson talks about this in one of her videos about the combination of FA/AP. I thought it was very interesting. www.youtube.com/watch?v=baMKTbjb5VA |
|
|
|
Post by jezebel89 on Jun 15, 2022 12:03:29 GMT
“I should perhaps have said first time round but I suffer from extreme social anxiety and the attacks are really bad at the moment. I have been on anti depressants for 5 years and can sometimes not feel anything anyway - I probably should have said this earlier but would that be a factor as to why I feel numb sometimes? “ Yes this could have an impact… What do the experts / doctors tell you about your extreme social anxiety and the attacks ? What is their explanation ? Why do you think you have them ? How do you deal with these attatcs ? Irene Lyon - what your doctor don’t tell/ask you about anxiety, and if not treated how it can turn into depression ect. - youtu.be/bwEowek9mn4Irene Lyon - what is trauma - youtu.be/gFIY79R-RRMAnd how do you deal with your numbness ? Are you able to move, speak or ? The shut down could be a collapse in your nerveus system tnr9 has been on anti depressants and she has worked with an SE/attatchment/trauma therapist. I don’t know if she still needs her anti depressant’s after she has gone through se therapy ? You could have a very dysregulated nerveussystem. If you have never tried working with an (SE= somatic practitioner) expert who is well trained in working with the nerveussystem, I would give it a try. It’s called button up….they often switch between button up and top down techniques and sometimes they can use touch therapy ect. You can maybe get an idea of what I am talking about, by reading through some of these threads. If you are in survival mode, there is no room for love, because you are busy trying to survive. You have to work with the instinctive level first of all. Trapped Stress in your system is Toxic and it Causes Illness When we don’t come down and out of our stress responses we (can) end up with stress-related ailments. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1073/healing-disorganized-attatchment-chock-traumajebkinnisonforum.com/post/12359/ - Other possible reasons for trauma/disorganised behavior - also later in life: (fight, flight, freeze (fawn) survival responses) Are you a fighter, fleer, a freezer or a fawner - jebkinnisonforum.com/post/35034/Thank you for the response. My anxiety became a lot worse during covid as I spent so much more time indoors. Then working from home became ‘a thing’ which in turn, made me more recluse. With that, I started becoming fearful of going outside even to do normal things. I’ve been advised to do small steps, visiting the shop etc but sometimes it is crippling and my mum would have to come with me, even then I am a nervous wreck. I had to start going back into the office in March and dealing with people face to face again was so stressful and scary. It’s getting better the more I do it but what once was a small issue for me is now a big one. Before any meeting I would literally be a bag of nerves but im pushing through it mostly. As for the numbness I just don’t feel anything or get enjoyment out of things I used to. Sometimes it’s there, sometimes it’s not, it depends on the mood. Sometimes I freeze up and don’t know what to say if something is difficult but I have always been quite shy/reserved. I did mention my shyness to my ex and he did accommodate me most of the time but I felt I was being a burden by talking about it and kept a lot of it inside. In fact, we never did truly discuss our feelings or expectations during our brief relationship. It was just quick, intense stuff then straight into acting like a couple that had been together for years. I think that’s when I started to doubt things… |
|
|
|
Post by jezebel89 on Jun 15, 2022 12:16:31 GMT
Gosh, jezebel89 , reading your post is like looking into the mind of my ex! I just want to honour you for a second and say well done for coming here and being honest about how things are for you, and what you're struggling with. It's not easy facing up to our own patterns at all, so I think you're very brave for being here and giving it a go. I don't have the answers to the questions you're asking about FA attachment specifically because I am more AP (which it sounds a bit like your ex is also). All I can do is tell you what it feels like from the other side, and what I wished that my ex could have done for me... I wish that my ex had been honest with me about his tendency to push people away and to need space as a regular thing, even if he said he didn't know why he did it, but it's something that happens for him regularly. I wish that he had been honest about the anxiety that he felt from the get-go in the relationship (he was the same as you and clearly felt SO much anxiety from the beginning and he eventually said it was my fault for having a focus on self growth, but I know now that it was his attachment anxiety going haywire). And I wish that he had the strength to stay away when he'd made the decision to leave, instead of trying to draw me in for another couple of rounds of the same with promises of things being different etc. The coming and the going is very damaging... Things don't just suddenly become different. It takes a lot of self awareness and work to change such a confusing dynamic. You never know what the future might hold for both of you, but it does sound like there is work to be done first to understand your own patterns yourself before you're in a position to communicate them to a partner. oh, and just one thought on your comment about anxiety being confused with love... I think that attraction and chemistry in the beginning stages is usually off the charts for an FA/AP mix. That's because you have similar abilities to connect deeply to each other before all the attachment stuff kicks in.. it can feel like you're truly seen and understood. Thais Gibson talks about this in one of her videos about the combination of FA/AP. I thought it was very interesting. www.youtube.com/watch?v=baMKTbjb5VAThank you so much and I agree that there’s so much that resonates when you read the stories from both sides on here. There always seems to be a pattern to this but I couldn’t see a pattern for myself as I’d been in a long term relationship for years and wasn’t dating a repeating this cycle. I only looked into this because I couldn’t understand my own feelings as weird as that sounds. One moment I am in love (or lust?) but I genuinely liked him and wanted to see him all the time, the next moment I am doubting what I feel for him is anything more than a friend. Everything romantic had gone? Almost like a switch had been pushed somewhere inside. It wasn’t a conscious decision, but when it had happened or I realised it had happened, it became a conscious thought. I am feeling sad for what I said to him now. Thankfully he did not bring much of it up when I spoke to him last but when I felt strongly towards him I said he was perfect, I’d never let him go again etc. I did pursue him because I wanted him so bad and to make up for lost time. Then I felt rejected when he didn’t text me when I was ill and after speaking with my friends I was convinced he wasn’t enough for me as a partner. And the more I learn, now I keep thinking did I push him away? This is painful now I know more. First couple of days were easy, I felt guilty but didn’t feel it was the wrong choice. Now I feel trapped in my own mind with all my thoughts about my decisions and doubts about what I wanted. Did I want to feel a certain way? Was it love? What is love? Did I like him? Was he just a friend? I don’t know. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Jun 15, 2022 13:24:11 GMT
“I should perhaps have said first time round but I suffer from extreme social anxiety and the attacks are really bad at the moment. I have been on anti depressants for 5 years and can sometimes not feel anything anyway - I probably should have said this earlier but would that be a factor as to why I feel numb sometimes? “ Yes this could have an impact… What do the experts / doctors tell you about your extreme social anxiety and the attacks ? What is their explanation ? Why do you think you have them ? How do you deal with these attatcs ? Irene Lyon - what your doctor don’t tell/ask you about anxiety, and if not treated how it can turn into depression ect. - youtu.be/bwEowek9mn4Irene Lyon - what is trauma - youtu.be/gFIY79R-RRMAnd how do you deal with your numbness ? Are you able to move, speak or ? The shut down could be a collapse in your nerveus system tnr9 has been on anti depressants and she has worked with an SE/attatchment/trauma therapist. I don’t know if she still needs her anti depressant’s after she has gone through se therapy ? You could have a very dysregulated nerveussystem. If you have never tried working with an (SE= somatic practitioner) expert who is well trained in working with the nerveussystem, I would give it a try. It’s called button up….they often switch between button up and top down techniques and sometimes they can use touch therapy ect. You can maybe get an idea of what I am talking about, by reading through some of these threads. If you are in survival mode, there is no room for love, because you are busy trying to survive. You have to work with the instinctive level first of all. Trapped Stress in your system is Toxic and it Causes Illness When we don’t come down and out of our stress responses we (can) end up with stress-related ailments. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1073/healing-disorganized-attatchment-chock-traumajebkinnisonforum.com/post/12359/ - Other possible reasons for trauma/disorganised behavior - also later in life: (fight, flight, freeze (fawn) survival responses) Are you a fighter, fleer, a freezer or a fawner - jebkinnisonforum.com/post/35034/I haven’t read all the posts….however…I wanted to reply to this……after decades of feeling trapped in a cycle of ruminating thoughts, hijacked emotions, high anxiety and depression…..I had a very astute doctor determine I was low on serotonin and she prescribed an SSRI (you can look it up). It was a life changer in how I am able to process my thoughts and feelings. I still take it daily (I will likely be on this for life). I also see an SE therapist and highly recommend SE therapy as a way to work through trauma. It also has been a game changer. 😀. More than willing to speak privately to anyone who has questions. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Jun 15, 2022 15:12:56 GMT
Gosh, jezebel89 , reading your post is like looking into the mind of my ex! I just want to honour you for a second and say well done for coming here and being honest about how things are for you, and what you're struggling with. It's not easy facing up to our own patterns at all, so I think you're very brave for being here and giving it a go. I don't have the answers to the questions you're asking about FA attachment specifically because I am more AP (which it sounds a bit like your ex is also). All I can do is tell you what it feels like from the other side, and what I wished that my ex could have done for me... I wish that my ex had been honest with me about his tendency to push people away and to need space as a regular thing, even if he said he didn't know why he did it, but it's something that happens for him regularly. I wish that he had been honest about the anxiety that he felt from the get-go in the relationship (he was the same as you and clearly felt SO much anxiety from the beginning and he eventually said it was my fault for having a focus on self growth, but I know now that it was his attachment anxiety going haywire). And I wish that he had the strength to stay away when he'd made the decision to leave, instead of trying to draw me in for another couple of rounds of the same with promises of things being different etc. The coming and the going is very damaging... Things don't just suddenly become different. It takes a lot of self awareness and work to change such a confusing dynamic. You never know what the future might hold for both of you, but it does sound like there is work to be done first to understand your own patterns yourself before you're in a position to communicate them to a partner. oh, and just one thought on your comment about anxiety being confused with love... I think that attraction and chemistry in the beginning stages is usually off the charts for an FA/AP mix. That's because you have similar abilities to connect deeply to each other before all the attachment stuff kicks in.. it can feel like you're truly seen and understood. Thais Gibson talks about this in one of her videos about the combination of FA/AP. I thought it was very interesting. www.youtube.com/watch?v=baMKTbjb5VAThank you so much and I agree that there’s so much that resonates when you read the stories from both sides on here. There always seems to be a pattern to this but I couldn’t see a pattern for myself as I’d been in a long term relationship for years and wasn’t dating a repeating this cycle. I only looked into this because I couldn’t understand my own feelings as weird as that sounds. One moment I am in love (or lust?) but I genuinely liked him and wanted to see him all the time, the next moment I am doubting what I feel for him is anything more than a friend. Everything romantic had gone? Almost like a switch had been pushed somewhere inside. It wasn’t a conscious decision, but when it had happened or I realised it had happened, it became a conscious thought. I am feeling sad for what I said to him now. Thankfully he did not bring much of it up when I spoke to him last but when I felt strongly towards him I said he was perfect, I’d never let him go again etc. I did pursue him because I wanted him so bad and to make up for lost time. Then I felt rejected when he didn’t text me when I was ill and after speaking with my friends I was convinced he wasn’t enough for me as a partner. And the more I learn, now I keep thinking did I push him away? This is painful now I know more. First couple of days were easy, I felt guilty but didn’t feel it was the wrong choice. Now I feel trapped in my own mind with all my thoughts about my decisions and doubts about what I wanted. Did I want to feel a certain way? Was it love? What is love? Did I like him? Was he just a friend? I don’t know. I am FA….I believed for the longest time that I was AP because I tend to pick FA men who lean DA so I did not experience my DA side for a very long time. I will say that a tendency towards doubting one’s feelings is a trait that is often associated with FA…that is due to low trust of self and low trust of others…so it can be like a tennis match within your own head. I would suggest that instead of trying to diagnose your attachment, that a better approach would be to find a good therapist to talk through these thoughts. It must feel very tiring and disruptive to have these thoughts. |
|
