My FA ex is confusing me | Jeb Kinnison Attachment Type Forum

luciana83
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My FA ex is confusing me Jun 17, 2022 9:00:54 GMT via mobile elizabeth likes this

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Post by luciana83 on Jun 17, 2022 9:00:54 GMT

I’m AP and my ex is FA. (We are both in our 30s)

We have been on again, off again for 4 years (mainly because he runs away from the relationship, then eventually comes back). I realise our attachment styles played a major role in our relationship, which has helped me forgive his behaviour, and understand mine.

We broke up again last year, and he blocked me on all fronts for 11 months. I pretty much gave up on him, and assumed he moved on.

A friend of mine decided to contact him, which actually peaked his interest and he unblocked me and we started talking again. Apparently, he was not intimate with anyone else.

This time around he hasn’t exactly “come back” to me. He told me that we can’t be together again because it doesn’t work, but he was willing to see me casually. This really, really hurt my feelings, but he wouldn’t budge. My tears did not change his mind. I reluctantly agreed to enter into a casual relationship, because truth is I just wanted to be with him again, even if it meant doing something I wasn’t comfortable with.

It’s now been 4 months of seeing eachother casually, and now I’m really starting to feel bad about myself, and it is triggering my anxiety again.

I have been trying very hard to work on myself and my neediness, but I’m realising my ex isn’t really doing any internal work to “heal”, therefore it feels like I’m wasting my time with someone who’s taking advantage of me.

He sends mixed signals about how he feels, as he tells me he can’t be with me, yet likes to cuddle me while watching tv/movies, is very interested in you-know-what with me, takes me out to dinner every time we see each-other, and even recently hung up a painting I made for him when we first started dating 4 years ago..(I thought he threw it away). He also recently changed his profile picture on social media to one from a few years ago, where we went on a fishing trip together.

I feel like he is trying to communicate to me that he still loves me, yet for some reason he can’t admit it verbally.

Either way, it’s confusing and frustrating for me. Part of me has my foot through the door, because I don’t want to degrade myself, even though I love him.

He has a tendency to ignore me for days after we spend time together. Recently, an old co-worker of mine surprised me by inviting me out on a date. I agreed, because he’s attractive and my ex has made it clear we are “just friends”…

Last night, I caught up with my ex and decided to let him know I am not comfortable being a “friend with benefits”… I also decided to tell him that I went on a date, and there’s potential I may go on another one.

My ex seemed to go into “freeze” mode, and sat there with a blank expression. He then said, “you know I can’t be with you because I’m messed up”. He then asked me if I slept with my date (I didn’t), and if I like him (I do). I was honest, and expressed that I don’t want 2 men in my life, so if I go on another date, then I cannot keep seeing/sleeping with him (my ex). He went blank again, said he was confused, then told me I should continue dating this guy. I didn’t react. I didn’t get upset. I just said, “Ok, but I hope you’re being honest with yourself about this”. The conversation ended, and I assumed that “it” was over between us..that after that day, we wouldn’t see each other again.

He was quiet for a while, but then took my hand as we sat there watching tv. He caressed it lovingly for an entire hour, without saying a word. He would turn and look at me, sometimes lustfully, but also with a sad puppy face. He then begged me to stay the night with him at his place, and seemed sad when I expressed I couldn’t (I told him a month ago that it triggers me to spend the night when we aren’t officially back together).

As I was leaving, he asked me when he could see me again, and planned out a romantic day trip to an area we went to together a few years ago).

I don’t know what is going on. He did not tell me he is ready to be with me, or that he wants to be with me. I don’t know if he just can’t communicate that, or if he’s manipulating me because he wants to keep me around, and doesn’t want me moving on).

Can anyone give me insight? Should I be patient or should I walk away?

Last Edit: Jun 17, 2022 9:07:38 GMT by luciana83

alexandra
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My FA ex is confusing me Jun 17, 2022 9:29:09 GMT via mobile elizabeth likes this

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Post by alexandra on Jun 17, 2022 9:29:09 GMT

Jun 17, 2022 9:00:54 GMT luciana83 said:

I don’t know what is going on. He did not tell me he is ready to be with me, or that he wants to be with me. I don’t know if he just can’t communicate that, or if he’s manipulating me because he wants to keep me around, and doesn’t want me moving on).

Can anyone give me insight? Should I be patient or should I walk away?

I went through this when I was AP. We did two full cycles of being together over 2.5 years. I was very AP the first time and near secure but not quite there the second time. I acted totally differently both times. It didn't matter, he kept repeating his cycles exactly. It only stopped when I was tired enough of the same patterns to step off the merry-go-round.

Walk away. He didn't tell you that he's ready to be with you because he's not. He told you that he's messed up because he is. He can't communicate and also wants to keep you around, as is, because it's what he's comfortable with and all he's capable of. That's not on you, you didn't cause that, but you do continue to participate in it which signals to him that you accept the behavior and it is okay.

When we got back together, my FA ex was sort of trying to put in effort because he wanted things to work, but he was doing nothing to address the underlying issues even though I was completely immersed in trying to work through my attachment issues (not aware at the time that's what you'd call what I was doing). He finally said he wanted to get back together directly and in actions after we very slowly worked on repairing and growing our relationship over months, and that lasted maybe 2 weeks before he panicked and ended things again. We spoke about a month later, and he very resolutely told me that people are irrational, and he's never planning to change. Combined with all the work I'd done on myself, it convinced me we were stuck in a repeating dead end, and if I wanted something different out of a relationship, I'd need to stop abandoning myself and do something different to find it. Something different meaning, actually walk away from him.

Last Edit: Jun 17, 2022 9:30:28 GMT by alexandra

introvert
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My FA ex is confusing me Jun 17, 2022 14:10:18 GMT via mobile elizabeth likes this

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Post by introvert on Jun 17, 2022 14:10:18 GMT

You are being manipulated by a selfish and opportunistic man. Attachment aside, meaning, we don't make excuses for disrespectful or selfish behavior, he's all about him and he will continue to be all about him. He's just trying to emotionally manipulate you into being okay with that.

Please don't feel bad about yourself, recognize that this hot and cold behavior has confused you and triggered your own unresolved attachment issues . You are fitting in perfectly with his missing pieces... because you have your own missing pieces. This is not anywhere near a healthy and whole relationship ; it's broken pieces stuck together with some seriously sticky attachment glue.

Unfortunately, it's sucks an is a painful lesson but this is where you stop dating and get to a therapist or embark on some serious self help, not because you are stupid or broken but because you're vulnerable to someone who will use you to selfishly meet their own needs. You are too good for that, deserve more than that. But until you master yourself a little more you will be a sitting duck for situations like this.

Tons of help on the board. And If recommend some in person support from a therapist too.

Last Edit: Jun 17, 2022 14:10:51 GMT by introvert

anne12
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My FA ex is confusing me Jun 17, 2022 14:53:44 GMT

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Post by anne12 on Jun 17, 2022 14:53:44 GMT

Are you having sex with this guy ?

The impact of oxytocin:
The effects of oxytocin are exacerbated by estrogen and minimized by testosterone. The bonding effect seems to last 2-3 weeks in women and 2-3 days in men. This could partly explain why younger women get more attached due to sex than younger men; and why post-menopausal women experience more freedom around sex while older men want regular sex to feel connected to their partners.

You can produce oxytocin by being touched on the breasts / the nipples

It also explains why we see each other in a different light after orgasm (it’s orgasm that counts, with or without intercourse).

Both men and women may want to consider the effects of oxytocin. Are you ready for that attachment, either by you or to you?

Last Edit: Jun 17, 2022 16:04:18 GMT by anne12