Post by bacardi on Jun 19, 2022 11:32:02 GMT
Hello, I'm very sad as I write this, and hoping for some advice please.
Just for some background, I only discovered attachment theory a couple of years ago, after splitting up with my ex. We were together 3 years, he was avoidant, and I am anxious, so our 3 year relationship was like torture. We split up in the summer of 2020, and didn't part on speaking terms (although we also agreed to go no contact to ease the pain for us both anyway). Then a year later he died suddenly in a crash - I was still heartbroken over our breakup, so his death affected me very badly.
After discovering attachment theory online, I bought the book 'Attached' and found it very helpful.
Although I am anxious, I don't act on my impulses and can appear secure most of the time, as I have learned many dating rules, such as never texting first or twice in a row etc. In fact, men sometimes complain that I don't text them enough.
However, I have only learned to do this at a distance, because I am pretending - I still feel anxious and stressed on the inside.
So when an issue arises in person I don't deal with it very well, because I don't have the time or space to take time out and think before responding, as I can over text etc.
I have been single for 2 years, it has been a year since my ex died.
I have been on a few dates since then, but not with anyone I was really interested in.
But then I met a man unexpectedly on a night out recently, and we hit it off, we were infatuated with each other and things seemed to be going very well. We ended up seeing each other for about 6 weeks.
I don't want to bore people with too much detail, but we seemed to be falling for each other, we had met each others friends, I had met his brother, he told everyone at his work about me, and we had lots of plans for the summer. He was very mushy and sweet with me, the things he said and did seemed genuine. He had even told me he loved me 3 times, although he was drunk or sleepy each time, so I hadn't counted that as a serious declaration, but wondered if he was building up to it.
After we had sex (1 month in) he seemed to get very excited, he got even mushier, and wanted to see me a lot more. We went from seeing each other twice a week to almost every day that week, at his suggestion. I know I should have slowed him down, but I was enjoying it, and thought we had something special (he said we did, and I felt the same).
But then I think he overwhelmed himself, and realised he needed more space.
So our next date (night in at my house, watching a film) was planned in advance, it was actually the anniversary of my ex's death, although I hadn't realised until it was too late. With hindsight, I should have rearranged things for a less emotional day.
I felt very emotional and fragile that day. He texted me 20 minutes before he was due to arrive, saying he didn't want to stay over. I was rushing around getting ready for our date, and was shocked and upset by his message. I didn't have time to calm myself down, and before I knew it he had arrived at my house.
The first mistake I made was not giving him a kiss and cuddle like normal when he arrived. I was trying to hide that I was upset, but he noticed immediately and asked if it was because of his message. So I sat with him and tried to talk things over, but I was too upset, negative thoughts were swirling round in my head. I tried to control myself but I ended up crying, which made me feel even more worried, because I knew it was bad to cry in front of him at such and early stage, over such a small thing.
I took him wanting to spend less time with me as an indication that I wasn't important to him and I felt very rejected, as if he didn't like me anymore and was going off me, and wasn't happy with how things were going between us. I even wondered if he had been planning to leave right after sex (kind of pictured him just getting dressed and leaving). I felt as if I had imagined all the good things between us.
I told him my worries and he was horrified that I was so upset. He seemed shocked, and the atmosphere between us completely changed, it felt very tense and unpleasant. He told me he needed to tidy up at home and play his computer game, and he tried to reassure me that he did like me very much and everything was fine between us. He said sorry and that he was an idiot and needed to sort his life out. He said he didn't want to upset me and would stay over after all.
I tried to have a rational discussion with him and we talked about going back to seeing each other twice a week. He started coming up with ideas and said he could bring the computer to my house, I suggested we could spend evenings at his house, and he said we could play games together.
But I couldn't relax (I was still catastrophising in my head, even though he was saying all the right things), and he was getting frustrated and said "well this is shit" and "I can't cope with all the negativity". We tried to kiss and cuddle like normal and have a nice evening, but I felt awful, worse because I had cried in front of him. He wanted make up sex, but I cried beforehand. The sex was nice and he kept cuddling me, but I felt rotten and the atmosphere just wasn't improving.
We both still felt weird the next morning, but he kissed and cuddled me and said he wanted to work things out and get back to us being happy, so we said we would talk about things again on our next date, and then do something fun afterwards.
He sent me a nice message when he got to work, saying sorry, that the evening had been horrible and was playing on his mind, and that he would think about things. I replied that I hoped we could work things out and be happy again, and he said he did too.
He messaged me like normal the next day or two, but then the day before our next date he ended things over text, saying he had been thinking it over and we aren't going to work. He said he is too laid back and can't give me the attention I deserve. He said he's so sorry for ending it this way, but he wants the best for me and doesn't want me getting any closer.
I sent a long message, I apologised for overreacting on our date and told him it was the anniversary of my ex's death and that I was very emotional, and I should have told him, but didn't want him to feel weird. I told him I would have been happy to see him twice a week so we could both have our space. I said I thought it was a shame when we had a rare connection.
He replied saying not to apologise because I had been amazing the whole time, and he would read my message and send a proper reply later, as he was busy.
He hasn't replied since, but I assume this is unfixable anyway and we are over for good. I guess that my getting upset and overreacting has killed any feelings he had for me, which feels just awful.
I'm broken hearted over losing such a sweet, kind man because of my own mistake, I feel like I messed up the best thing I have had in years.
I don't fancy men very often, and to have such a special connection too felt like a dream come true, I was actually happy for the first time in so long.
So my question is, how could I have handled my emotions in person? 20 minutes notice just felt like I had no time to come up with a reasonable reaction, it really caught me off guard.
If he had told me the day before, I could have calmed myself down and been fine by the time I saw him. Or if it had been a different day and I wasn't so upset over my ex's death, I'm also sure I would have reacted better.
Does anyone have any tips for how to control my feelings and emotions in person, so this doesn't happen again in the future please?
Just for some background, I only discovered attachment theory a couple of years ago, after splitting up with my ex. We were together 3 years, he was avoidant, and I am anxious, so our 3 year relationship was like torture. We split up in the summer of 2020, and didn't part on speaking terms (although we also agreed to go no contact to ease the pain for us both anyway). Then a year later he died suddenly in a crash - I was still heartbroken over our breakup, so his death affected me very badly.
After discovering attachment theory online, I bought the book 'Attached' and found it very helpful.
Although I am anxious, I don't act on my impulses and can appear secure most of the time, as I have learned many dating rules, such as never texting first or twice in a row etc. In fact, men sometimes complain that I don't text them enough.
However, I have only learned to do this at a distance, because I am pretending - I still feel anxious and stressed on the inside.
So when an issue arises in person I don't deal with it very well, because I don't have the time or space to take time out and think before responding, as I can over text etc.
I have been single for 2 years, it has been a year since my ex died.
I have been on a few dates since then, but not with anyone I was really interested in.
But then I met a man unexpectedly on a night out recently, and we hit it off, we were infatuated with each other and things seemed to be going very well. We ended up seeing each other for about 6 weeks.
I don't want to bore people with too much detail, but we seemed to be falling for each other, we had met each others friends, I had met his brother, he told everyone at his work about me, and we had lots of plans for the summer. He was very mushy and sweet with me, the things he said and did seemed genuine. He had even told me he loved me 3 times, although he was drunk or sleepy each time, so I hadn't counted that as a serious declaration, but wondered if he was building up to it.
After we had sex (1 month in) he seemed to get very excited, he got even mushier, and wanted to see me a lot more. We went from seeing each other twice a week to almost every day that week, at his suggestion. I know I should have slowed him down, but I was enjoying it, and thought we had something special (he said we did, and I felt the same).
But then I think he overwhelmed himself, and realised he needed more space.
So our next date (night in at my house, watching a film) was planned in advance, it was actually the anniversary of my ex's death, although I hadn't realised until it was too late. With hindsight, I should have rearranged things for a less emotional day.
I felt very emotional and fragile that day. He texted me 20 minutes before he was due to arrive, saying he didn't want to stay over. I was rushing around getting ready for our date, and was shocked and upset by his message. I didn't have time to calm myself down, and before I knew it he had arrived at my house.
The first mistake I made was not giving him a kiss and cuddle like normal when he arrived. I was trying to hide that I was upset, but he noticed immediately and asked if it was because of his message. So I sat with him and tried to talk things over, but I was too upset, negative thoughts were swirling round in my head. I tried to control myself but I ended up crying, which made me feel even more worried, because I knew it was bad to cry in front of him at such and early stage, over such a small thing.
I took him wanting to spend less time with me as an indication that I wasn't important to him and I felt very rejected, as if he didn't like me anymore and was going off me, and wasn't happy with how things were going between us. I even wondered if he had been planning to leave right after sex (kind of pictured him just getting dressed and leaving). I felt as if I had imagined all the good things between us.
I told him my worries and he was horrified that I was so upset. He seemed shocked, and the atmosphere between us completely changed, it felt very tense and unpleasant. He told me he needed to tidy up at home and play his computer game, and he tried to reassure me that he did like me very much and everything was fine between us. He said sorry and that he was an idiot and needed to sort his life out. He said he didn't want to upset me and would stay over after all.
I tried to have a rational discussion with him and we talked about going back to seeing each other twice a week. He started coming up with ideas and said he could bring the computer to my house, I suggested we could spend evenings at his house, and he said we could play games together.
But I couldn't relax (I was still catastrophising in my head, even though he was saying all the right things), and he was getting frustrated and said "well this is shit" and "I can't cope with all the negativity". We tried to kiss and cuddle like normal and have a nice evening, but I felt awful, worse because I had cried in front of him. He wanted make up sex, but I cried beforehand. The sex was nice and he kept cuddling me, but I felt rotten and the atmosphere just wasn't improving.
We both still felt weird the next morning, but he kissed and cuddled me and said he wanted to work things out and get back to us being happy, so we said we would talk about things again on our next date, and then do something fun afterwards.
He sent me a nice message when he got to work, saying sorry, that the evening had been horrible and was playing on his mind, and that he would think about things. I replied that I hoped we could work things out and be happy again, and he said he did too.
He messaged me like normal the next day or two, but then the day before our next date he ended things over text, saying he had been thinking it over and we aren't going to work. He said he is too laid back and can't give me the attention I deserve. He said he's so sorry for ending it this way, but he wants the best for me and doesn't want me getting any closer.
I sent a long message, I apologised for overreacting on our date and told him it was the anniversary of my ex's death and that I was very emotional, and I should have told him, but didn't want him to feel weird. I told him I would have been happy to see him twice a week so we could both have our space. I said I thought it was a shame when we had a rare connection.
He replied saying not to apologise because I had been amazing the whole time, and he would read my message and send a proper reply later, as he was busy.
He hasn't replied since, but I assume this is unfixable anyway and we are over for good. I guess that my getting upset and overreacting has killed any feelings he had for me, which feels just awful.
I'm broken hearted over losing such a sweet, kind man because of my own mistake, I feel like I messed up the best thing I have had in years.
I don't fancy men very often, and to have such a special connection too felt like a dream come true, I was actually happy for the first time in so long.
So my question is, how could I have handled my emotions in person? 20 minutes notice just felt like I had no time to come up with a reasonable reaction, it really caught me off guard.
If he had told me the day before, I could have calmed myself down and been fine by the time I saw him. Or if it had been a different day and I wasn't so upset over my ex's death, I'm also sure I would have reacted better.
Does anyone have any tips for how to control my feelings and emotions in person, so this doesn't happen again in the future please?
