jmb17
New Member
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Post by jmb17 on Dec 6, 2017 18:23:35 GMT
They hit you so hard with evidence showing they came no where close.
My FA promised to get into therapy which he did for a while. Things were going so well for so long and i thought he got over his fear and run again.
Turns out he was sexting with someone (if not more). And right when i thought things were going so perfectly. Classic behavior from what i Understand of a FA.
Anyway just thought I’d share. Even when they say they are
Going to change, they never do.
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Post by confused83 on Dec 7, 2017 1:54:21 GMT
Just out of curiosity, how long did the “change” they show last? With the FA I dated, it seemed like a week or two before withdrawing again. The longest it lasted was the first month we dated. I’ve seen posts about being with people for years and then it’s completely over. I wonder if this is a total shocker or they have been intermittent in their behavior the entire time? I’d like to believe people can change, but should I really believe they won’t and they’ll just hurt me by running away years down the line after seeming secure for so long?
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jmb17
New Member
Posts: 7
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Post by jmb17 on Dec 7, 2017 2:59:17 GMT
He lasted about two months. Sometimes it would only be a few weeks.
They don’t change.
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Post by confused83 on Dec 7, 2017 7:05:29 GMT
I’m so sorry he hurt you like that. No one deserves to be deceived especially like that. I’m pretty sure I was too and just blindly trusted. Sometimes I feel lucky I understand this to an extent, because at least I didn’t go years trying to understand. But most of the time, I’m terrified at any little mistep someone else makes, because I feel as I’ve gotten older this is all that’s left. It doesn’t really take away the pain, because they make you love them so much....then you’re angry, then you feel compassion for them, then you feel hope, then the cycle repeats. I hope you find someone who treats you with respect and acts selfless instead of selfish. I hope I do too!
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sara
New Member
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Post by sara on Dec 8, 2017 3:35:23 GMT
Sorry, you are going through this. Yes, now I am also convinced they never change. 2 months in a row to go well is still a long time for an FA I think. Mine wanted to go to therapy voluntarily, went once, thought it was 'useless' and then just stopped going. The last time I saw him, 1 week ago, he said straight up that he is not going to go to therapy, that was my deal breaker, and then he broke up with me. I feel you, mostly right now, so badly. You do not deserve this!!! They drag us into their sad little mind of push and pull and leave us behind desperate and anxious. We have to find the strength to see the pattern, leave, and stay the f*** away! It is simply toxic and it's like with a drug addict who doesn't see that they are having an issue, so why would they get help then?! Just know that you have the necessary insight to see what is happening here and that you are going to be just fine at some point! I wish you a lot of strength to get through this!
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Post by neosporin on Dec 12, 2017 5:05:20 GMT
Actual change would require consistency and commitment and what ties all FAs together is a primal fear of exactly those two requirements. Actually putting in the work to change requires a modicum of self love. It's a deeply rooted pathology and of all the attachment styles, I think the most damaged and difficult to work through. You're right. They don't change.
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Post by neosporin on Dec 12, 2017 5:12:15 GMT
Just out of curiosity, how long did the “change” they show last? With the FA I dated, it seemed like a week or two before withdrawing again. The longest it lasted was the first month we dated. I’ve seen posts about being with people for years and then it’s completely over. I wonder if this is a total shocker or they have been intermittent in their behavior the entire time? I’d like to believe people can change, but should I really believe they won’t and they’ll just hurt me by running away years down the line after seeming secure for so long? The FA I know always refers back to his 7 year marriage as "proof" that it's not him, he's committed before, it's just that he hasn't found the *right* connection yet. But he conveniently keeps forgetting that he had several emotional and physical affairs during that relationship which is a form of avoidance. Also, before they broke up he had planned a big move across the country to Los Angeles - I believe, subconsciously as a way of shaking her off. She ended the relationship and voila, he cancelled his cross country move. Suddenly that move wasn't such an important thing, imagine that! Longevity in relationships doesn't mean squat when it comes to an FA. If you look closer, I'll bet you'll find the same push pull turmoil and avoidance tactics such as workaholism and affairs. It's still avoidants being avoidant. |
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Post by avoiddemons on Dec 19, 2017 10:23:03 GMT
So even with therapy they don't change?
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 19, 2017 13:06:07 GMT
So even with therapy they don't change? I think as with all therapy...it really depends on how willing the person is to be vulnerable with a therapist. If you never truly reveal who you are...the therapist is not going to be able to guide you towards healing. Therapy requires self awareness....many people just don't want to look that closely at themselves. They would rather address "surface" behaviors then address deep seated patterns. If you fear intimacy...you are not likely to risk exposing those deep patterns to a therapist. |
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