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Post by Themimms on Jun 26, 2022 9:16:02 GMT
Hi guys, Been in a relationship for 5 months with my textbook FA. He's been showing lots of love and affection from day 1, making me feel safe and secure, like I want from a partner. It's been a good relationship with lots of potential. But early on he started talking about me leaving him (fear of abandonment) and that he's a commitment phobe, that he leaves his partners. But that this time he's learned and grown up and that he's changed (he's now 40 and I'm 30). A red flag - but I've given him the benefit of a doubt as he's seemed secure and loving and wanting to move forward He however this week went full on FA panic and said everything from that he wants to have kids with me in 5 years, wants a future and moving in together one day, to that he doesn't know if he loves me anymore (all in the same 24h). Basically he loves me - doesn't know if he loves me back and forth  When I asked him for more clarity a few days later, he says he thought he found his life partner but doesn't know anymore if he loves me or not because it's all a confusion at this moment. He decided to apply to an education some hours away, and says he's been using it as a way to push me away, and flee from me, but maybe he shouldn't commit the next few years, but maybe also that he's maybe just panicking over his new life. He's very aware of his constant commitment panic and fleeing from people, and using other things (like the education) as obstacles to get away. He e.g says that he fact he's applying to the education, must be a sign he doesn't love me like he thought. Even if it's not necessarily any dealbreaker in the relationship, but he has a glorified view that if he loved me he'd never move even 3h away and create obstacles between us. So therefore he must not love me, as it's not something that would happen in the movies (again glorified view of relationships)... This move is 1 year away, and there is a chance I could go with him if things are well between us then, but in his mind him even considering to move is a sign something's wrong with his feelings for me and our relationship. As he's saying it, he's choosing the education over me (something I'd never say and put the two things against each other like that) He does however want to stay together, just that he "can't express his emotions the way he used to for a while until he's certain of his feelings because he just doesn't know anything anymore now). I told him that I respect his feelings and opinions, reassured him that he's not a failure (he thinks he is as he destroys relationships) but that unfortunately I can't date while he figures out if he still loves me or not because I want something mutual and not be in a limbo. That I love him but that situation wouldn't feel nice for me. That I'll do my own thing and if he settles into his situation further on he can contact me and we can re-discuss things, but that I can't go on dates as usual with him while he figures out if he loves me anymore. This shocked him and completely pulled the rug from under his feet. He probably thought we could be a couple as normal until he knows more and then he could leave me when he feels ready (or stay if he would want that). But now I made the choice when he wasn't prepared to leave me We'll see what life brings and if he'll now instead go panic over losing me. I did tell him I love him and that if things become clearer for him he can let me know. Even if I had a break up last night, I'm waking up in a good mood. I'm leaving (at least for now) the person l love. But I stayed true to my own needs, and didn't gnat anxiously, disappear or ignore him, or say ok to dating while he figures things out which would hurt me. So I feel good under the circumstance. Still have miles to go, but feeling more secure than I've ever been |
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Post by elizabeth on Jun 26, 2022 13:29:26 GMT
hello! i think you are handling this perfectly, and it must feel nice to know you can trust and protect yourself, and not agree to less than you are worth in the situation. i know it must be a little bit painful, but at least the way you have handled it, you are looking after your own needs, you are still looking after his (albeit confusing!) needs in reassuring him he isnt a terrible person, a failure, etc. you have left the door open and given him space to figure out his feelings. very smart moves on your part, and sincere, which is even more important. well done! i feel you will have gained some respect from him too in being true to yourself and setting a boundary.
i wonder what he will do next.. it`s great that he can acknowledge he has these commitment issues, however not so great for the future of his relationship(s) unless he is able and willing to take it a step further and try to understand and actually remedy some of these issues, otherwise he is going to be stuck in this loop, and thank goodness you are not gonna be stuck in his loop as well.
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Post by Themimms on Jun 27, 2022 7:46:33 GMT
Thank you!
Him and I had a talk yesterday by his initiative, and he said again he does love me. However he also listed all these things like thinking of me like a cousin during the education research, that he won't be very sad from the breakup, that he thinks love is when you loose yourself and say "let's go to Vegas baby" (to get married), cry and beg outside their house. He said he doesn't feel he knows me that well and bla bla. It's like he's taking me on a rollercoaster of all his thoughts good and bad, instead of communicating the conclusions.
Basically he asked me to reconsider because he does love me in the sense that he wants to be with me, likes the intimacy, we have fun together, he doesn't want to be alone etc. He asked me to give him another chance and think about it.
I told him that I think instead that he should take some time, go to the forest or whatever and just come up with more clarity in his love for me and if he does find more clarity, to let me know and we'll talk if that's the case.
Maybe he does reach out, maybe not. But I'll act as if it's over for now either way because it's just too much rollercoaster. One day he loves me, the next not, then back, then all these negative things he's sharing...
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2022 13:58:37 GMT
Thank you! Him and I had a talk yesterday by his initiative, and he said again he does love me. However he also listed all these things like thinking of me like a cousin during the education research, that he won't be very sad from the breakup, that he thinks love is when you loose yourself and say "let's go to Vegas baby" (to get married), cry and beg outside their house. He said he doesn't feel he knows me that well and bla bla. It's like he's taking me on a rollercoaster of all his thoughts good and bad, instead of communicating the conclusions. Basically he asked me to reconsider because he does love me in the sense that he wants to be with me, likes the intimacy, we have fun together, he doesn't want to be alone etc. He asked me to give him another chance and think about it. I told him that I think instead that he should take some time, go to the forest or whatever and just come up with more clarity in his love for me and if he does find more clarity, to let me know and we'll talk if that's the case. Maybe he does reach out, maybe not. But I'll act as if it's over for now either way because it's just too much rollercoaster. One day he loves me, the next not, then back, then all these negative things he's sharing... I had a guy do the exact same thing and I thought it was bizarre. He could switch within one conversation, he could express loads of wanting to be with me and then immediately tell me he couldn't and why... he was completely unstable. I told him he doesn't have the option to have those conversations with me and I ended it for good. Here's the thing... with these guys if you listen it is all about them. Nothing to do with what they can offer you, in terms of being a good boyfriend. It's like they are shoe shopping and can't make up their mind about an ITEM. Like the color, but a little snug, but will stretch, but it's a lot of money, but you only live once....blah blah blah. This is not acceptable even if he should gain "clarity"... you have to gain clarity. What do you want in a relationship, and is he it? |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2022 14:06:35 GMT
And I mean he, as he is NOW... because he's doing this in real time, this is how he is. You both think he's waiting for clarity. Clarity doesn't come to someone who hasn't done a LOT of work on their issues. It doesn't come by going to the forest. It takes awareness of the problem (disorganized attachment) and effort toward the solution (stabilizing over time with lots of self help and therapeutic support of a knowledgeable therapist).
Sorry to lay it down like that but I've been there and in fact, he still contacted me for a couple years. Each time I told him don't contact me ever again... he has no respect for boundaries because it's still always about him. Had absolutely NO awareness of anything but his internal states. That's really rather wearing to be around.
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Post by alexandra on Jun 27, 2022 14:22:15 GMT
Basically he asked me to reconsider because he does love me in the sense that he wants to be with me, likes the intimacy, we have fun together, he doesn't want to be alone etc. Sounds like you're handling a bad situation as well as you can. To echo what introvert said, HE likes the physical and emotional benefits, the fun, and companionship / not feeling alone. All about him, all of it. I also often find that when there's a sizable age difference with these dynamics (it's not saying much that he's 40 yet still has no idea what he wants and can't connect well enough with his emotions to know them), it's because they have issues connecting romantically with people their own age because of the gap in maturity. If someone his own age wanted to try to start a family, for example, they wouldn't stand for his current issues and would move on because they don't have any time for his ambivalence. I would not expect him to change any time soon, and take your own life goals into consideration if he does come back with more nice words (which also mean nothing without matching actions and long-term consistency in both). |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2022 14:29:58 GMT
And watch the "I want to have kids in the future" enticement. That's a big statement to make, and we have seen women here who believed it and wasted all that time because they dreamed of having kids. Choose your life, and your future... but don't choose this guy.
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Post by Themimms on Jun 27, 2022 16:09:27 GMT
Thank you! Him and I had a talk yesterday by his initiative, and he said again he does love me. However he also listed all these things like thinking of me like a cousin during the education research, that he won't be very sad from the breakup, that he thinks love is when you loose yourself and say "let's go to Vegas baby" (to get married), cry and beg outside their house. He said he doesn't feel he knows me that well and bla bla. It's like he's taking me on a rollercoaster of all his thoughts good and bad, instead of communicating the conclusions. Basically he asked me to reconsider because he does love me in the sense that he wants to be with me, likes the intimacy, we have fun together, he doesn't want to be alone etc. He asked me to give him another chance and think about it. I told him that I think instead that he should take some time, go to the forest or whatever and just come up with more clarity in his love for me and if he does find more clarity, to let me know and we'll talk if that's the case. Maybe he does reach out, maybe not. But I'll act as if it's over for now either way because it's just too much rollercoaster. One day he loves me, the next not, then back, then all these negative things he's sharing... I had a guy do the exact same thing and I thought it was bizarre. He could switch within one conversation, he could express loads of wanting to be with me and then immediately tell me he couldn't and why... he was completely unstable. I told him he doesn't have the option to have those conversations with me and I ended it for good. Here's the thing... with these guys if you listen it is all about them. Nothing to do with what they can offer you, in terms of being a good boyfriend. It's like they are shoe shopping and can't make up their mind about an ITEM. Like the color, but a little snug, but will stretch, but it's a lot of money, but you only live once....blah blah blah. This is not acceptable even if he should gain "clarity"... you have to gain clarity. What do you want in a relationship, and is he it? That's 100% how it felt regarding the shopping for an item. It was like he was thinking out loud without filtering anything. All my benefits and negatives (benefits like he likes the hanky panky and that I'm a 10 in looks in personality he thinks. It made me feel like an object. He also said that during the process of researching the education, I became like a cousin in his thoughts. The odd thing with him though is that he also says things like that he sees me as his last chance of a committed relationship, either it's this or he might as well go celibate and give up (that's not true ofc and he's exaggerating), but it's so weird how it's like it's not about me but about if he's going to commit ever or not. And if he decided to, I'm a good candidate |
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Post by alexandra on Jun 27, 2022 16:18:31 GMT
One of my FA exes told me out of no where that I'd be a great mother for his (future) kids but it would be too hard for him to live and be with me. So don't discount yourself or second guess your take on things, you're reading the room correctly!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2022 16:28:30 GMT
I had a guy do the exact same thing and I thought it was bizarre. He could switch within one conversation, he could express loads of wanting to be with me and then immediately tell me he couldn't and why... he was completely unstable. I told him he doesn't have the option to have those conversations with me and I ended it for good. Here's the thing... with these guys if you listen it is all about them. Nothing to do with what they can offer you, in terms of being a good boyfriend. It's like they are shoe shopping and can't make up their mind about an ITEM. Like the color, but a little snug, but will stretch, but it's a lot of money, but you only live once....blah blah blah. This is not acceptable even if he should gain "clarity"... you have to gain clarity. What do you want in a relationship, and is he it? That's 100% how it felt regarding the shopping for an item. It was like he was thinking out loud without filtering anything. All my benefits and negatives (benefits like he likes the hanky panky and that I'm a 10 in looks in personality he thinks. It made me feel like an object. He also said that during the process of researching the education, I became like a cousin in his thoughts. The odd thing with him though is that he also says things like that he sees me as his last chance of a committed relationship, either it's this or he might as well go celibate and give up (that's not true ofc and he's exaggerating), but it's so weird how it's like it's not about me but about if he's going to commit ever or not. And if he decided to, I'm a good candidate OMG. Horrible. You are an object. Your feelings and needs don't even factor into his equation. Disgust would be an appropriate reaction to him. You are being insulted and objectified . It doesn't need to be intentional to be an absolute deal breaker. Here and now! Toooooooo selfish for a relationship. Except for a relationship with a pair of shoes. |
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Post by Themimms on Jun 27, 2022 16:35:28 GMT
That's 100% how it felt regarding the shopping for an item. It was like he was thinking out loud without filtering anything. All my benefits and negatives (benefits like he likes the hanky panky and that I'm a 10 in looks in personality he thinks. It made me feel like an object. He also said that during the process of researching the education, I became like a cousin in his thoughts. The odd thing with him though is that he also says things like that he sees me as his last chance of a committed relationship, either it's this or he might as well go celibate and give up (that's not true ofc and he's exaggerating), but it's so weird how it's like it's not about me but about if he's going to commit ever or not. And if he decided to, I'm a good candidate OMG. Horrible. You are an object. Your feelings and needs don't even factor into his equation. Disgust would be an appropriate reaction to him. You are being insulted and objectified . It doesn't need to be intentional to be an absolute deal breaker. Here and now! Toooooooo selfish for a relationship. Except for a relationship with a pair of shoes. It's just really thrown me off. Because he has always acted SO secure. Calming me, being there, always handling conflicts in a dream way. Really made me feel secure in our love. Then suddenly FA pendulums all over and thinking out loud until I know nothing about where he stands anymore. He's also so self aware of his problems, but still it's like he says things that i'll hurt without caring. Telling someone it's love, not love, maybe love back and forth for a few days is something you KNOW will end or seriously damage a relationship. And yet he thinks it should be fine that the last conclusion was that it is love |
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2022 16:52:44 GMT
OMG. Horrible. You are an object. Your feelings and needs don't even factor into his equation. Disgust would be an appropriate reaction to him. You are being insulted and objectified . It doesn't need to be intentional to be an absolute deal breaker. Here and now! Toooooooo selfish for a relationship. Except for a relationship with a pair of shoes. It's just really thrown me off. Because he has always acted SO secure. Calming me, being there, always handling conflicts in a dream way. Really made me feel secure in our love. Then suddenly FA pendulums all over and thinking out loud until I know nothing about where he stands anymore. He's also so self aware of his problems, but still it's like he says things that i'll hurt without caring. Telling someone it's love, not love, maybe love back and forth for a few days is something you KNOW will end or seriously damage a relationship. And yet he thinks it should be fine that the last conclusion was that it is love You know what you are to him, in sum? A MOOD. Not a priority, not a partner. A mood. |
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