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Post by fearful8 on Jun 29, 2022 3:19:45 GMT
FA man I’m dating just a few months I think deactivated. He told me he needed to go to the bathroom when we were zooming then sent me a text saying that he felt the need to run and he probably just needs time alone for the weekend (which is fine). I made the mistake of saying I have been feeling the need to run too and that I feel like he is going to hurt me over and over. I was trying to say I feel like I’m fighting running too but it didn’t matter because he said he didn’t want to hurt me. That he was sorry. He thinks we should “break for a bit.” Being an FA myself, I might have handled that well? I said something along the lines of, this is the running…I won’t hurt you, I will be here for you. You are safe. Because I realized he was running. But now my anxious side is wondering, if we aren’t official…but have talked about taking things slow as much as we both need…a break means? I mean, not to get all “Friends” here, but what would you guess? He really thought I was right for him. He was clear he struggled with running and warned me it might be difficult with him trying to date. It’s been only 1.5 weeks since this happened .Anyone think he won’t come back? I’m waiting for him to reach out…bad move?
I should mention he seemed to be falling in love and said he isn’t ready for this intensity. Hmmm
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Post by introvert on Jun 29, 2022 4:30:11 GMT
Nobody knows if he will be back, of course you know that and you're just trying to get some assurance maybe. But you cannot have a relationship like this, even if he does. It's not possible. You'd have to work on your own attachment style and work toward secure dynamics, not try to be a couple of insecure FA's enabling each other's instability. The weekend turned into 1.5 weeks. Isn't that enough to let you know this is not going to work out?
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Post by fearful8 on Jun 29, 2022 5:05:25 GMT
Well, “break for a bit” changed what he said originally. I have been working on my attachment and I think I honestly have been doing well. I recognize when I feel triggered and I don’t make choices based on them. But he has been triggering my running instincts and I felt like saying that would mean an open and sharing conversation but I just made him say “break for a bit” instead. It’s a bummer. He’s made it clear he wants to be with me long term and would appreciate me if I worked through this with him.
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Post by alexandra on Jun 29, 2022 5:39:56 GMT
How has he made it clear that he wants to be with you long-term if you've been dating for a few months but aren't officially together as a couple?
A lot of relationships don't get past the honeymoon period and end 2-4 months in when it feels like someone should be making the decision to commit but doesn't want to follow through for whatever reason. That reason absolutely may have nothing to do with you and everything to do with him, his fears, and his attachment style issues. If you leave him alone for long enough, then he will probably come back in some capacity after his nervous system calms down and he begins to fear losing the connection more than he fears intimacy and engulfment. Though there is no guarantee he'll come back. However, if he does come back, how does that help you? He will still struggle with intimacy and commitment. Do you want an inconsistent partner who makes you feel like running from him because he's shown you that you can't fully trust him to show up for you?
It sounds great that you're working on your own attachment issues and being self-aware and trying to keep those struggles separate from him. I've dated many FA men, and once they deactivate for the first time and don't do their own work behind it like you're currently doing, then the merry-go-round-roller-coaster never ends unless you get off the ride. Really think about what kind of partner you want, ask yourself that question in addition to asking if he's going to come back. Hope that isn't harsh, because I don't mean it to be. I've been in your position multiple times and eventually, this is the kind of questioning that got me out of it. I never had a dynamic like this that turned itself around.
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Post by introvert on Jun 29, 2022 13:39:17 GMT
Unfortunately, insecure attachment in yourself not only prevents you from being able to make secure choices for yourself (you will always be making choices to try to control the outcome instead of choices that take care of your real needs) -you also will choose partners least likely to meet your needs.
You may understand and empathize with him but that won't help him overcome his FA attachment. It takes a lot of deep work and conscious commitment on his part, and leaving a zoom conversation to disappear for an unknown length of time, with no indication of whether he will even return, shows he's not anywhere near being able to work through this.
Are you seeing a therapist about your own relationship issues?
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