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Post by ctlguy260 on Jul 6, 2022 19:32:02 GMT
Need advice on current situation. I was previously a AP leaning FA. After my last relationship I feel more FA now, but questioning is it more SA given my current situation.
I met a girl and she quickly ask me to come watch fireworks with her friends since she is going out of town for 10 days and she wanted to meet. She was so excited I said yes and that was our first date. It was a really good time, we talked a lot, and she ask a lot of questions. We talked about what's important regarding what we are looking for, boundaries, needs, etc. It was a good comfortable conversation We stayed up until 2am and I went home. She kept wanting to hug goodbye and she mentioned lest get together again Wednesday (today). Yesterday we text a few times. She ask what I do during my free time. I answered and ask the question right back (1pm yesterday). So no response the rest of the day or today. I wasn't anxious and was going to write it off.
One of my main things I am looking for now days is communication and I am going to listen to actions. So I am thinking here is poor communication and I am turned off. So I did send a text just now saying "Good morning- I didn't hear from you so I assume tonight is a no go. Enjoy your trip and wish you the best". At this point I am done. So I start to question is this my AP side, or my FA side, or simply me listening to my guy when I don't see the communication. I knew she wasn't busy and she was just relaxing around the house.
So I did get a LONG response apologizing that she has a lot to prepare to go out of town and getting her kids ready as well. Then she answered the question that I didn't get a response to with preceeding to say she wants to see me when she gets back on the 15th but lest keep in touch while she is out of town. She ended it with can't wait to go on a official date with a nice dinner to get to know each other more.
So my losing interest by the lack of response are my instincts valid or am I giving up quick and not giving her a chance due to my FA side. I am VERY protective of my heart after my last relationship and getting back out there.
Any insight would be appreciated. Do I give her another chance?
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Post by elizabeth on Jul 6, 2022 20:20:39 GMT
Need advice on current situation. I was previously a AP leaning FA. After my last relationship I feel more FA now, but questioning is it more SA given my current situation. I met a girl and she quickly ask me to come watch fireworks with her friends since she is going out of town for 10 days and she wanted to meet. She was so excited I said yes and that was our first date. It was a really good time, we talked a lot, and she ask a lot of questions. We talked about what's important regarding what we are looking for, boundaries, needs, etc. It was a good comfortable conversation We stayed up until 2am and I went home. She kept wanting to hug goodbye and she mentioned lest get together again Wednesday (today). Yesterday we text a few times. She ask what I do during my free time. I answered and ask the question right back (1pm yesterday). So no response the rest of the day or today. I wasn't anxious and was going to write it off. One of my main things I am looking for now days is communication and I am going to listen to actions. So I am thinking here is poor communication and I am turned off. So I did send a text just now saying "Good morning- I didn't hear from you so I assume tonight is a no go. Enjoy your trip and wish you the best". At this point I am done. So I start to question is this my AP side, or my FA side, or simply me listening to my guy when I don't see the communication. I knew she wasn't busy and she was just relaxing around the house. So I did get a LONG response apologizing that she has a lot to prepare to go out of town and getting her kids ready as well. Then she answered the question that I didn't get a response to with preceeding to say she wants to see me when she gets back on the 15th but lest keep in touch while she is out of town. She ended it with can't wait to go on a official date with a nice dinner to get to know each other more. So my losing interest by the lack of response are my instincts valid or am I giving up quick and not giving her a chance due to my FA side. I am VERY protective of my heart after my last relationship and getting back out there. Any insight would be appreciated. Do I give her another chance? my first impressions reading this, (and what do i know?), is that you seem to be skipping some stages and rushing the part of already having expectations before you have even been on a proper date and gotten to know each other a little better. i think it is just too soon to tell. i was confused how you said you knew she was just laying around the house, but then she said in reality she was really busy preparing for her trip. she may be wanting to take it slow and not bombard you either. people have different communication preferences, so it might not be a red flag at all. she doesnt know you, and you dont know her, yet. it has a little bit of a feel that you have already built a shape for her to fit in, rather than just being open to finding out what shape she is, and then deciding whether you are compatible. it sounds like you met someone you found interesting, and the best way to protect your heart is to take it slow and gather more information, without becoming emotionally invested in a big hurry. "giving her another chance" implies she has done something wrong. has she? |
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Post by ctlguy260 on Jul 6, 2022 20:54:55 GMT
Need advice on current situation. I was previously a AP leaning FA. After my last relationship I feel more FA now, but questioning is it more SA given my current situation. I met a girl and she quickly ask me to come watch fireworks with her friends since she is going out of town for 10 days and she wanted to meet. She was so excited I said yes and that was our first date. It was a really good time, we talked a lot, and she ask a lot of questions. We talked about what's important regarding what we are looking for, boundaries, needs, etc. It was a good comfortable conversation We stayed up until 2am and I went home. She kept wanting to hug goodbye and she mentioned lest get together again Wednesday (today). Yesterday we text a few times. She ask what I do during my free time. I answered and ask the question right back (1pm yesterday). So no response the rest of the day or today. I wasn't anxious and was going to write it off. One of my main things I am looking for now days is communication and I am going to listen to actions. So I am thinking here is poor communication and I am turned off. So I did send a text just now saying "Good morning- I didn't hear from you so I assume tonight is a no go. Enjoy your trip and wish you the best". At this point I am done. So I start to question is this my AP side, or my FA side, or simply me listening to my guy when I don't see the communication. I knew she wasn't busy and she was just relaxing around the house. So I did get a LONG response apologizing that she has a lot to prepare to go out of town and getting her kids ready as well. Then she answered the question that I didn't get a response to with preceeding to say she wants to see me when she gets back on the 15th but lest keep in touch while she is out of town. She ended it with can't wait to go on a official date with a nice dinner to get to know each other more. So my losing interest by the lack of response are my instincts valid or am I giving up quick and not giving her a chance due to my FA side. I am VERY protective of my heart after my last relationship and getting back out there. Any insight would be appreciated. Do I give her another chance? my first impressions reading this, (and what do i know?), is that you seem to be skipping some stages and rushing the part of already having expectations before you have even been on a proper date and gotten to know each other a little better. i think it is just too soon to tell. i was confused how you said you knew she was just laying around the house, but then she said in reality she was really busy preparing for her trip. she may be wanting to take it slow and not bombard you either. people have different communication preferences, so it might not be a red flag at all. she doesnt know you, and you dont know her, yet. it has a little bit of a feel that you have already built a shape for her to fit in, rather than just being open to finding out what shape she is, and then deciding whether you are compatible. it sounds like you met someone you found interesting, and the best way to protect your heart is to take it slow and gather more information, without becoming emotionally invested in a big hurry. "giving her another chance" implies she has done something wrong. has she? Thats valid. I just thought it was odd when she said she is just relaxing, then ask me a question, than I ask it right back. We seemed to just be engaging in conversation. After when she text the reason was I have been getting ready for my vacation. |
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Post by cherrycola on Jul 6, 2022 21:14:22 GMT
It is flaky to say she wanted to see you and then not follow up to cancel when she got busy. Though if you didn't have a time/activity picked out then I can see her treating it more casually. If you were the last one to text I can see not wanting to double text and waiting for her to confirm.
One thing I've learned is to always assume good intent on the person you are chatting with until proven otherwise. I can understand getting swept up and just forgetting to reply. Maybe she was so excited to see you again she over estimated how much bandwidth she would have getting ready for her trip.
You could have gone with something like I'm looking forward to tonight and just want to confirm (our time, or plans etc) and then wait. But I understand if waiting for that response would make you feel too anxious.
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Post by ctlguy260 on Jul 6, 2022 21:25:19 GMT
It is flaky to say she wanted to see you and then not follow up to cancel when she got busy. Though if you didn't have a time/activity picked out then I can see her treating it more casually. If you were the last one to text I can see not wanting to double text and waiting for her to confirm. One thing I've learned is to always assume good intent on the person you are chatting with until proven otherwise. I can understand getting swept up and just forgetting to reply. Maybe she was so excited to see you again she over estimated how much bandwidth she would have getting ready for her trip. You could have gone with something like I'm looking forward to tonight and just want to confirm (our time, or plans etc) and then wait. But I understand if waiting for that response would make you feel too anxious. That makes a lot of sense. Since she left it as she wants to go on a real "date" to get to know me, then I will take that for what it is. I plan on letting her to pretty much set the communication while she is with family on vacation and use this time to be aware and observe my attachment/thoughts. Pretty much going to practice what I have learned. Its different going back in the dating world after months of learning with a new mindset |
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Post by cherrycola on Jul 6, 2022 21:36:40 GMT
Yep, and it is one thing to learn all these and another to put them into practice. If you have looked at my thread at all, it is a constant work in progress.
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Post by alexandra on Jul 7, 2022 0:46:11 GMT
I agree that some of the issue here was you were assuming what she was doing and feeling instead of asking and taking her at her word. Yes, it's also potentially a yellow/red flag that she said she wanted to see you but then didn't solidly follow through. This is conjecture, but I have a feeling she didn't reach out because she did want to see you and was trying to figure out if she could get everything done on time before canceling, even though it wasn't realistic for her to actually get together. Which turned into flaking out and maybe not wanting to reach out and admit to getting overwhelmed by all she didn't finish doing before the trip. That may absolutely still signal an issue with time management skills and communication and follow through, but you don't know her yet and don't have the information. I don't think you can read anything into what that says about how she feels about you because, again, the simple fact is you don't know each other yet and there isn't really more to read into than that.
Secure thing to do here is, as said, depersonalize, don't assume the worst (don't assume anything, really), keep your observations in the back of your mind so if they come up again a couple more times then you don't ignore them... but remember that you don't need to be hypervigilant because you will be okay no matter what she does if you have your own back. So take a breath, don't attach an outcome or expectations on anything, and just get to know her over time if you still feel like doing so when she gets back. Or don't, if you don't feel like it. If you go on a real date with her, the next step is decide if you both want another one. Then another after that. And if there's many dates, keep observing if she's consistent or if she's got a pattern of flakiness, and let that inform your decision if you want to keep getting to know her. But for now, that's very far ahead, just live your life and take it one step / date at a time.
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Post by alexandra on Jul 7, 2022 0:51:15 GMT
One of my main things I am looking for now days is communication and I am going to listen to actions. Just wanted to add a note here, too. It's not about listening to words or actions, it's about seeing if the words and actions are always matching and consistent. If someone says one thing but acts a different way, listen to whichever is more "negative." It isn't that actions speak louder than words as far as finding a more secure potential partner goes, it's about them really aligning and matching and being consistent more than anything else. Took me a long time to learn that, but it's been the most helpful way to gauge new situations. |
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