Post by elizabeth on Jul 6, 2022 21:23:42 GMT
i dont really know what i am, DA or FA, i think both, so i guess disorganised. i am gonna put this here because i think this was a dismissive episode. not sure.
i had a real bust-up with my fella this weekend, we are long distance, but not too far. we meet most weekends and are moving in together in a few months, for which i am so excited.
when he and i first reunited, before we actually got together, we were talking about what we had been up to all these years since we'd last seen one another. we talked about our lives and our relationships, and he told me his last relationship was with a girl who lives in another country and they met when he was on holiday in her country. he was really taken with her by the sounds of it. he went back to her country to visit her again after the first meeting. he explained they had an intense online relationship which spanned a few years, and that although he has only spent a handful of days with her face to face, he had been willing to move out to her country, he liked her that much. eventually she was the one who ended things. it really made him sad at the time. a little over a year passed, he didnt date anyone, he is very much a loner, then i came back and we met up and ended up getting together.
during some of our first conversations when he told me about her, he made me aware that they still talk as friends. as our own relationship deepened, i tried to be OK with this, but from what i gathered, it was really one-sided, and it was him doing most of the contacting, although they just touched base every few months or so, its not like they talk every day. i still hated it, although i felt like i was wrong for hating it and i tried to suppress my feelings, understand my feelings, understand his feelings, be respectful to everyone, however this continued mysterious dialogue between them, was eating me alive inside.
in our early days when i was still trying to suppress how much their friendship scared me, i asked him if he still had feelings for her, and he stammered quite a bit and wouldn`t say no, but instead said that he had love for all of his exes. the truth is, he will probably never see this person again, and he said as much. but to my mind it was not the same as not having feelings for her. my guy is not a player, never has been, he doesnt open up to a lot of people, so i guess it was even more scary for me to think of the intimate connection they would have in their conversations, and if the relationship was over, why would they need to keep chit-chatting. the vibe i got was that he was the one reaching out to her. i just couldnt stop asking why. she must be on his mind, so that is why he does it. he keeps telling me, they are just friends. he is quite a loner like me, so i tried to just 'get it', and in some moments i could, and could feel ok about it, but every time he mentioned to me that they had been in touch, i felt pain in my heart, and terror, and threatened. it was hurting me and my mind was spinning wild stories about the bond they had.
i have two close guy friends that i keep in contact with, but it is just silly banter, no romantic history, and they are both really happy for me that i found a love back home. to make sure my boyfriend doesnt feel what i feel, i would read out loud my messages (and also because they were funny) from my 2 guy friends, and so my boyfriend would know there is no flirting and actually can see that i am telling my friends is how happy i am and how much i adore my boyfriend. i shared this with him so he doesnt have to worry and wonder.
the truth is, i dont want to worry, i dont want to care, i want to be able to feel like nothing is a threat, and that he can be friends with whomever he pleases (which is the actual truth!), but sometimes this fear would cause me to flip out and want to end everything because it would feel like the risk is too great if he is having some online emotional affair with this person.
for the record: I NEVER TOLD HIM WHAT HE CAN/CANNOT DO, NEVER ASKED HIM TO TAKE ANY ACTION, or SNOOPED THROUGH HIS STUFF. and i never will. that is not the way forward.
since the early conversation where i asked if he has feelings for her, our own bond has deepened and strengthened so much. i can see that he loves me and wants to be with me, and i want the same, and love him very much! yet i find it difficult to trust him, although in my deepest heart i believe he is the one for me and that he is being honest with me. i think he still cares about her as a person, and what is wrong with that? i want so much to not be bothered by this friendship with this woman, and he has other female friends, and they dont bother me at all. it is just this one woman. i guess because of all the mystery, and the intensity of their online connection and the fact that he liked her enough to think about moving halfway across the world to be with her. and he still talks to her. it hurts, whether it should or not, what can i say? he is a good man, and doesnt connect with a ton of people, so his friendship with her may be important to him. is it any of my business anyway?
so... i was supposed to drive to visit him (my turn) this weekend, and it casually came up in conversation that he had reached out to her again, and for some reason this time i completely flipped out and tried to end everything. i told him it was over and turned off my phone for 24h and shut down completely. i was shaking all over and my mind was picturing them together and, i dont know, it just went on and on and i could not find a way to turn it off. eventually a day later i turned my phone back on and he was just being really nice and had sent me a lot of nice messages, he never even got mad at me once, he was just saying that he understood and he was worried and to please call him. we then tried talking it through in text and on the phone, but i kept twisting everything he would say to end up meaning that he was madly in love with her. i could not get a hold of myself at all. i just wanted out. (even though that is the last thing i really want!! I love this man!)
the whole escapade lasted 2 days before he eventually drove my way so we could talk face to face. i felt so guilty and horrible for reacting the way i did, but i also stood up for how i felt. i am not proud of some the things i said. i told him it was over, i told him i hated him (
), it was pretty bad. i was so upset and scared i just did the whole flight response thing. he took every bit of it in, stayed in conversation with me the whole time. he said he had no idea that it was bothering me so much and that he would never talk to her ever again, saying she didnt mean that much to him and he didnt want to lose me. i never asked him to stop talking to her. he deleted the app they use to communicate. i didnt ask him to do that either. i didnt ask him for anything.
when i calmed down, i expressed to him how much i didnt even want to feel this thing, and how i wanted to just be okay with everything between them, but that i just couldnt, and i felt like it was my issue and that he shouldn`t have to give up a friendship with someone he cares about. i told him it is okay if he still cares about her and wants to keep in touch, and that i need to deal with my own feelings, but that i had been doing my best this whole time and i did not seem able to stop feeling terrified and threatened by his friendship with this person, and the fear was making me feel like running away. i felt like i hated myself for having any issue with it. but on the other hand, i felt like i am the one giving up my job, my apartment, my local area, to go be with him, and meanwhile he is having mysterious chats with his ex. i also think i am being unreasonable because apparently they only talk every once in a while, and she lives in another country, so its not like anything is going on, well not physically anyway.
we ended up talking about my past relationships and how they messed with my head and thankfully my boyfriend is extremely emotionally intelligent and understands what i am going through, but that doesnt make me hate myself any less for not being a bigger woman and not able to be ok with his friendship.
i told him that him promising not to ever talk to her again and deleting the app was just going to make him resent me because he wouldn`t be able to delete her from his mind and heart. she can also just email him. and so what. he just kept telling me she is gone, he wont talk to her anymore. the thing is, i believe him. but i told him i didnt think that was fair to him. and i still dont. the way i feel is that it is not his problem, it is mine. i said, more than him cutting her off, the answer would be for me to deal with my feelings about it. why should he have to give up anything? i mean, i was arguing his side for him, and i still felt guilty. and i still feel guilty.
we are ok now, and back to normal, and good feelings, we both said we even felt closer than ever because we talked through this thing. it does feel like we are closer, strangely. he is being as loving as ever and never got mad at me once. but i still feel guilty, like i took something away from him, because i am weak.
i had a real bust-up with my fella this weekend, we are long distance, but not too far. we meet most weekends and are moving in together in a few months, for which i am so excited.
when he and i first reunited, before we actually got together, we were talking about what we had been up to all these years since we'd last seen one another. we talked about our lives and our relationships, and he told me his last relationship was with a girl who lives in another country and they met when he was on holiday in her country. he was really taken with her by the sounds of it. he went back to her country to visit her again after the first meeting. he explained they had an intense online relationship which spanned a few years, and that although he has only spent a handful of days with her face to face, he had been willing to move out to her country, he liked her that much. eventually she was the one who ended things. it really made him sad at the time. a little over a year passed, he didnt date anyone, he is very much a loner, then i came back and we met up and ended up getting together.
during some of our first conversations when he told me about her, he made me aware that they still talk as friends. as our own relationship deepened, i tried to be OK with this, but from what i gathered, it was really one-sided, and it was him doing most of the contacting, although they just touched base every few months or so, its not like they talk every day. i still hated it, although i felt like i was wrong for hating it and i tried to suppress my feelings, understand my feelings, understand his feelings, be respectful to everyone, however this continued mysterious dialogue between them, was eating me alive inside.
in our early days when i was still trying to suppress how much their friendship scared me, i asked him if he still had feelings for her, and he stammered quite a bit and wouldn`t say no, but instead said that he had love for all of his exes. the truth is, he will probably never see this person again, and he said as much. but to my mind it was not the same as not having feelings for her. my guy is not a player, never has been, he doesnt open up to a lot of people, so i guess it was even more scary for me to think of the intimate connection they would have in their conversations, and if the relationship was over, why would they need to keep chit-chatting. the vibe i got was that he was the one reaching out to her. i just couldnt stop asking why. she must be on his mind, so that is why he does it. he keeps telling me, they are just friends. he is quite a loner like me, so i tried to just 'get it', and in some moments i could, and could feel ok about it, but every time he mentioned to me that they had been in touch, i felt pain in my heart, and terror, and threatened. it was hurting me and my mind was spinning wild stories about the bond they had.
i have two close guy friends that i keep in contact with, but it is just silly banter, no romantic history, and they are both really happy for me that i found a love back home. to make sure my boyfriend doesnt feel what i feel, i would read out loud my messages (and also because they were funny) from my 2 guy friends, and so my boyfriend would know there is no flirting and actually can see that i am telling my friends is how happy i am and how much i adore my boyfriend. i shared this with him so he doesnt have to worry and wonder.
the truth is, i dont want to worry, i dont want to care, i want to be able to feel like nothing is a threat, and that he can be friends with whomever he pleases (which is the actual truth!), but sometimes this fear would cause me to flip out and want to end everything because it would feel like the risk is too great if he is having some online emotional affair with this person.
for the record: I NEVER TOLD HIM WHAT HE CAN/CANNOT DO, NEVER ASKED HIM TO TAKE ANY ACTION, or SNOOPED THROUGH HIS STUFF. and i never will. that is not the way forward.
since the early conversation where i asked if he has feelings for her, our own bond has deepened and strengthened so much. i can see that he loves me and wants to be with me, and i want the same, and love him very much! yet i find it difficult to trust him, although in my deepest heart i believe he is the one for me and that he is being honest with me. i think he still cares about her as a person, and what is wrong with that? i want so much to not be bothered by this friendship with this woman, and he has other female friends, and they dont bother me at all. it is just this one woman. i guess because of all the mystery, and the intensity of their online connection and the fact that he liked her enough to think about moving halfway across the world to be with her. and he still talks to her. it hurts, whether it should or not, what can i say? he is a good man, and doesnt connect with a ton of people, so his friendship with her may be important to him. is it any of my business anyway?
so... i was supposed to drive to visit him (my turn) this weekend, and it casually came up in conversation that he had reached out to her again, and for some reason this time i completely flipped out and tried to end everything. i told him it was over and turned off my phone for 24h and shut down completely. i was shaking all over and my mind was picturing them together and, i dont know, it just went on and on and i could not find a way to turn it off. eventually a day later i turned my phone back on and he was just being really nice and had sent me a lot of nice messages, he never even got mad at me once, he was just saying that he understood and he was worried and to please call him. we then tried talking it through in text and on the phone, but i kept twisting everything he would say to end up meaning that he was madly in love with her. i could not get a hold of myself at all. i just wanted out. (even though that is the last thing i really want!! I love this man!)
the whole escapade lasted 2 days before he eventually drove my way so we could talk face to face. i felt so guilty and horrible for reacting the way i did, but i also stood up for how i felt. i am not proud of some the things i said. i told him it was over, i told him i hated him (
), it was pretty bad. i was so upset and scared i just did the whole flight response thing. he took every bit of it in, stayed in conversation with me the whole time. he said he had no idea that it was bothering me so much and that he would never talk to her ever again, saying she didnt mean that much to him and he didnt want to lose me. i never asked him to stop talking to her. he deleted the app they use to communicate. i didnt ask him to do that either. i didnt ask him for anything. when i calmed down, i expressed to him how much i didnt even want to feel this thing, and how i wanted to just be okay with everything between them, but that i just couldnt, and i felt like it was my issue and that he shouldn`t have to give up a friendship with someone he cares about. i told him it is okay if he still cares about her and wants to keep in touch, and that i need to deal with my own feelings, but that i had been doing my best this whole time and i did not seem able to stop feeling terrified and threatened by his friendship with this person, and the fear was making me feel like running away. i felt like i hated myself for having any issue with it. but on the other hand, i felt like i am the one giving up my job, my apartment, my local area, to go be with him, and meanwhile he is having mysterious chats with his ex. i also think i am being unreasonable because apparently they only talk every once in a while, and she lives in another country, so its not like anything is going on, well not physically anyway.
we ended up talking about my past relationships and how they messed with my head and thankfully my boyfriend is extremely emotionally intelligent and understands what i am going through, but that doesnt make me hate myself any less for not being a bigger woman and not able to be ok with his friendship.
i told him that him promising not to ever talk to her again and deleting the app was just going to make him resent me because he wouldn`t be able to delete her from his mind and heart. she can also just email him. and so what. he just kept telling me she is gone, he wont talk to her anymore. the thing is, i believe him. but i told him i didnt think that was fair to him. and i still dont. the way i feel is that it is not his problem, it is mine. i said, more than him cutting her off, the answer would be for me to deal with my feelings about it. why should he have to give up anything? i mean, i was arguing his side for him, and i still felt guilty. and i still feel guilty.
we are ok now, and back to normal, and good feelings, we both said we even felt closer than ever because we talked through this thing. it does feel like we are closer, strangely. he is being as loving as ever and never got mad at me once. but i still feel guilty, like i took something away from him, because i am weak.
