Post by kailani on Jul 9, 2022 18:47:12 GMT
I wish I found this forum sooner:) I believe my ex to be FA, even though I think he leaned DA when we broke up 7 months ago. Dated for 2 years, 2 breakups (sudden). I thought was a secure person. I believe now he had a mask and never wanted to disappoint me.
Summary: We had what we both said/acted like a great relationship. He (me too) wanted to see me as much as possible, and we spoke so much daily and texted, for almost 2 years. In about 6 months in, he did admit his tendency to push away people if they got close, since he feared vulnerability. I had no idea what that meant then. He was very consistent with behavior, actions, words, and had no problem expressing his feelings for me..I mean a lot, up till about 13 months in. Even my family could see it in his actions and words when we were together, and I realy loved him. I always will. I noticed little things, like if he didn’t want to talk, he deflected, but I was good about that and flat out asked if it was something he felt vulnerable about and ok if it was…I gave him all the space he needed that way.
About 1.5-2 months post anniversary, he said he needed to talk, seemed STAT. I had a lot going on, like major unrelated stress.IT was super impulsive like he ‘neeeded’ to get it out. So I met him on Thursday and he broke up, saying he has a lot of problems and can’t do this, and it is not mY fault, I deserve better, the problem came out of nowhere for him but he can’t be in a romance. Said he loved me so much, more than anything, etc. Distraught to loose me, said he didn’t choose this. He said a lot of other stuff too. The problem seemed distressing to him, yet he told me to ask to understand the breakup. I did but stopped asking what the problem after about 2 weeks when I realized it was upsetting him and seemed way personal. thought he had depression or huge anxiety. He was worried I would not want him in my life. I didn’t see him for abut 3-4 weeks, but we communicated, a lot and more or less started hanging out. He could be ‘friends’ yet same time he told me he does not want anyone else. Well, I had no idea back then about AT. I let him lead on everything..his comfort, how he felt, etc. And we got even closer. He was inviting me for family holidays, etc.
About 8 months later, I had a family emergency abroad, and had to be away longer than expected, meaning 2 weeks not 1. We talked always while I was gone. Well, came back and a week later, blindsided me again, but I senses anger and though shocked, I asked him because the brakup was so much different. HE said he had ‘alot of those emotions now’.
And he changed some details about the period between the 1st and 2nd break, and used that as his reason why now. Like anger at something so long ago and didn’t even happen the way he believes. And Said he needs space and he needs to heal and I never listened to what he needed! He also said he is still going to love me, he just can’t do it, the relationship, he really can’t Completely floored bc I know my efforts. I felt anger for not telling me yet I felt so sad for him. I am a secure person, and he was doing well, but it really was an ambush for me. He said he just wants to get better. He said we are done, doesnt’ want to see me, doesn’t want it like this anymore, I am ok with it—he is not, and we can’t talk anymore bc it is getting worse and he knew he should have not seen me after the breakup. And I didn’t listen. Was upset I didn’t have much to say and had tears in my eyes, Said it can’t be like that anymore.
.He never blocked me, nor me him. 7 months no contact from either. The last thing he said (Even tho we broke up) was I just need space right now.
Post breakup- It was hard for me. He was the type to always be ‘fine’ so I suspect that is how he was behaving. Mutual friends said at first he was going out, etc. Posting a lot on social media( that was not his habit before). I remember thinking it was odd, but seem fine. He ignored sending a bday wish, (by then it had been many months after b/u) Now, for the past month or so, Iheard he has been very quiet, alone and cut another friend out of his life. Not sure if that person did something..I would not be surprised, as I was never a fan and thought he was not good for him.
I can only assume he resented me for something that I am unaware of, or he never told me, or decided in his head….based on his ‘revised version ‘ of not having space after teh first breakup… He seemed angry, and he is not like that. I also felt me being gone pushed it all over the edge. I noticed him getting closer to me in many ways before this. I have not heard back once, sadly. I was going to reach out (not for a relationship) but decided that he mentioned space so i left it to him. I do have thoughts did I mess up by not reaching out- just to say I don’t hate or blame him. I so much see the good in him, besides that night.
. The person I knew, and watched, this is not his normal. I send him positive thoughts and prayers from afar daily..He is on my mind bc he was so positive. But obv he wants to heal from the relationship, andI have no idea why he decided that. He also said his problem got better and then worse.
Question: It has been 7 months, I am doing ok, even through I am still sad about it. I have compassion for him, as I found out about AT. I don’t konw what happened to cause this for him. I guess he deactivated, perhaps both times or more..but the 2nd was bad. He never did anything mean throughout our time.Very loving..
Did I do the right thing by not reaching out?
2nd Questions- Long story, but I had an app open, and in closing it , my finger must have hit video or call, and it contacted him. Truly accidental. He texted asking why an I explained and that was it. I am not sure if he was mad or indifferent, but in retrospect I guess I wish he just said something. \
Is it usual for an avoidant person to stay mad this long, and do I just trigger bad feelings perpetually?
I sometimes feel he deliberately severed and tried to destroy his own happiness(he told me often how happy he was w me/us) in order to cut the attachment. Do avoidants actively do this? Would you do it to get better-maybe he just felt he needed to do it to work on himself but too ashamed to tell me that even?
3rd- I don’t think this breakup was caused by anything except deactivating…or some anger, as I was very aware of how I was treating him—as I thought he had a anxiety, or some other issue..I never pressured anything . I have no idea if there is something else going on, but either way avoidance has come out.
Do avoidants ever realize the intention of the person was loving or positive, and try to reach out this long to mend the friendship/relationship?.
And of course I wonder now if he stayed with me to practice vulnerability bc he knows I would never judge him;
or because he didn’t want to hurt me (based on me assuming he had resentment for something). I have days even if I question if he really loved me..though feel down I feel he did. It just if he could avoid telling me what was in his head between #1 and #2–what else did he avoid about us. Woujld you fake it so long???
Why didn’t he block me if he was so angry at me? We are still on each other’s stuff. (And he likes /watches but won’t comment )
I’ve just been reflecting on decisions I have made post breakup and perhaps insight if anyone has any. I’ve never had friendships/relationships end like this. If you ar win my life, you are there for good, in some way.
Thank you !
Summary: We had what we both said/acted like a great relationship. He (me too) wanted to see me as much as possible, and we spoke so much daily and texted, for almost 2 years. In about 6 months in, he did admit his tendency to push away people if they got close, since he feared vulnerability. I had no idea what that meant then. He was very consistent with behavior, actions, words, and had no problem expressing his feelings for me..I mean a lot, up till about 13 months in. Even my family could see it in his actions and words when we were together, and I realy loved him. I always will. I noticed little things, like if he didn’t want to talk, he deflected, but I was good about that and flat out asked if it was something he felt vulnerable about and ok if it was…I gave him all the space he needed that way.
About 1.5-2 months post anniversary, he said he needed to talk, seemed STAT. I had a lot going on, like major unrelated stress.IT was super impulsive like he ‘neeeded’ to get it out. So I met him on Thursday and he broke up, saying he has a lot of problems and can’t do this, and it is not mY fault, I deserve better, the problem came out of nowhere for him but he can’t be in a romance. Said he loved me so much, more than anything, etc. Distraught to loose me, said he didn’t choose this. He said a lot of other stuff too. The problem seemed distressing to him, yet he told me to ask to understand the breakup. I did but stopped asking what the problem after about 2 weeks when I realized it was upsetting him and seemed way personal. thought he had depression or huge anxiety. He was worried I would not want him in my life. I didn’t see him for abut 3-4 weeks, but we communicated, a lot and more or less started hanging out. He could be ‘friends’ yet same time he told me he does not want anyone else. Well, I had no idea back then about AT. I let him lead on everything..his comfort, how he felt, etc. And we got even closer. He was inviting me for family holidays, etc.
About 8 months later, I had a family emergency abroad, and had to be away longer than expected, meaning 2 weeks not 1. We talked always while I was gone. Well, came back and a week later, blindsided me again, but I senses anger and though shocked, I asked him because the brakup was so much different. HE said he had ‘alot of those emotions now’.
And he changed some details about the period between the 1st and 2nd break, and used that as his reason why now. Like anger at something so long ago and didn’t even happen the way he believes. And Said he needs space and he needs to heal and I never listened to what he needed! He also said he is still going to love me, he just can’t do it, the relationship, he really can’t Completely floored bc I know my efforts. I felt anger for not telling me yet I felt so sad for him. I am a secure person, and he was doing well, but it really was an ambush for me. He said he just wants to get better. He said we are done, doesnt’ want to see me, doesn’t want it like this anymore, I am ok with it—he is not, and we can’t talk anymore bc it is getting worse and he knew he should have not seen me after the breakup. And I didn’t listen. Was upset I didn’t have much to say and had tears in my eyes, Said it can’t be like that anymore.
.He never blocked me, nor me him. 7 months no contact from either. The last thing he said (Even tho we broke up) was I just need space right now.
Post breakup- It was hard for me. He was the type to always be ‘fine’ so I suspect that is how he was behaving. Mutual friends said at first he was going out, etc. Posting a lot on social media( that was not his habit before). I remember thinking it was odd, but seem fine. He ignored sending a bday wish, (by then it had been many months after b/u) Now, for the past month or so, Iheard he has been very quiet, alone and cut another friend out of his life. Not sure if that person did something..I would not be surprised, as I was never a fan and thought he was not good for him.
I can only assume he resented me for something that I am unaware of, or he never told me, or decided in his head….based on his ‘revised version ‘ of not having space after teh first breakup… He seemed angry, and he is not like that. I also felt me being gone pushed it all over the edge. I noticed him getting closer to me in many ways before this. I have not heard back once, sadly. I was going to reach out (not for a relationship) but decided that he mentioned space so i left it to him. I do have thoughts did I mess up by not reaching out- just to say I don’t hate or blame him. I so much see the good in him, besides that night.
. The person I knew, and watched, this is not his normal. I send him positive thoughts and prayers from afar daily..He is on my mind bc he was so positive. But obv he wants to heal from the relationship, andI have no idea why he decided that. He also said his problem got better and then worse. Question: It has been 7 months, I am doing ok, even through I am still sad about it. I have compassion for him, as I found out about AT. I don’t konw what happened to cause this for him. I guess he deactivated, perhaps both times or more..but the 2nd was bad. He never did anything mean throughout our time.Very loving..
Did I do the right thing by not reaching out?
2nd Questions- Long story, but I had an app open, and in closing it , my finger must have hit video or call, and it contacted him. Truly accidental. He texted asking why an I explained and that was it. I am not sure if he was mad or indifferent, but in retrospect I guess I wish he just said something. \
Is it usual for an avoidant person to stay mad this long, and do I just trigger bad feelings perpetually?
I sometimes feel he deliberately severed and tried to destroy his own happiness(he told me often how happy he was w me/us) in order to cut the attachment. Do avoidants actively do this? Would you do it to get better-maybe he just felt he needed to do it to work on himself but too ashamed to tell me that even?
3rd- I don’t think this breakup was caused by anything except deactivating…or some anger, as I was very aware of how I was treating him—as I thought he had a anxiety, or some other issue..I never pressured anything . I have no idea if there is something else going on, but either way avoidance has come out.
Do avoidants ever realize the intention of the person was loving or positive, and try to reach out this long to mend the friendship/relationship?.
And of course I wonder now if he stayed with me to practice vulnerability bc he knows I would never judge him;
or because he didn’t want to hurt me (based on me assuming he had resentment for something). I have days even if I question if he really loved me..though feel down I feel he did. It just if he could avoid telling me what was in his head between #1 and #2–what else did he avoid about us. Woujld you fake it so long???
Why didn’t he block me if he was so angry at me? We are still on each other’s stuff. (And he likes /watches but won’t comment )
I’ve just been reflecting on decisions I have made post breakup and perhaps insight if anyone has any. I’ve never had friendships/relationships end like this. If you ar win my life, you are there for good, in some way.
Thank you !
