Post by bubbles on Jul 18, 2022 10:04:00 GMT
Hi all,
New here and glad to be. I'm 31 FA leaning anxious depending on partner. ( I have been doing therapy work on myself and have had great results for myself a year into the therapy and am continuing to go)
I've been in a relationship with , we will call her E (31F FA), for about 7months
I Wont dive in deep context wise but same FA type of story. started hot heavy, chemistry, connection... but she has understanding importance of communication and attachment theory aware. We were very open about Vulnerable parts of our lives.
She's aware she needs time to process emotions which she said to me early on, I didn't pick up on the FA connection of when she said that. We were Temp long distance for 4 months for work and will be in same city again in a month.
5 months in I noticed the change in behavior and her becoming cold. My Anxious side being triggered after failed attempt to communicate what was going on and getting nothing more than, its nothing I'm just having a tough time. I normally would just give space but I didn't and perused more unfortunately. Which once my activated Anxious chills out the Damage from trying to pull her back in only pushed her farther away.
6months We are still talking on a regular basis but isn't calling anymore (use to call 2-3 times a day for a quick hi and to chat) Flaking on FaceTimes and texting maybe 2-3 times a day vs sending me like 7 text by the time i wake up. I eventually told her that this behavior is triggering past traumas i have of abandonment. We agreed (my idea) to take a couple weeks of space and meet up after to hangout and talk about what we can do better. I then get a few i miss you texts during then i responded and reciprocated and was consistent with not ignoring her during then but kept convos short.
2 weeks go by and we make plans for the hangout and she was ready i was ready and both missed each other. That day comes, she no shows. I text and give 1 call after 30 mins of waiting. 3 hours later she said she was super anxious and overwhelmed and wants to reschedule, same thing happens the next day. She calls later again I say its ok, I understand. Told her that if she isn't interested we can move on no hard feelings and when your ready the door is open. She says she is interested and really wants to see me and move things forward. she's now crying of how bad she feels that she is doing this and that she is mentally struggling feels horrible for it. I suggest she reaches out when she feels safe and has time to process she thanked me for being understanding her state.
5 days go by and she texts apologizing and wants to do a facetime date. I said that if this isn't what she want its better for us to move on, I don't want that but its ok. she said she really want it again..
(I'm back at where I'm working currently) Then we set up the date time etc.. the time comes for it and she does the same thing but doesn't respond to texts or a call for 5 days (clearly deactivated)
We have tried to arrange 3 FTs and same result. Last communication was 3 days ago, day before the last facetime date. I texted and said take us much time and space as you need and when your ready I'm here, that I understand how painful it can feel to let someone you care about down but I'm ok and not upset (I do know how it feels being FA and have done the same to friend family etc.) its crippling and I want to run away forever.
My Questions
Besides obviously letting her have her time & space to process what going on with her emotions, is there anything else i should say or do?
For other women FA What's advice you have more me of the situation? I want to be consistent but still giving her time and space.
Have you been in a similar situation? if so did you come around and finally follow through?
Do I address the behavior when we do talk? or will that trigger deactivation again.
I don't want to deactivate her when or if she shows up so advice on that. I Truly admire her as a person and partner. I want it to continue but I'm fearful of the abandonment.
New here and glad to be. I'm 31 FA leaning anxious depending on partner. ( I have been doing therapy work on myself and have had great results for myself a year into the therapy and am continuing to go)
I've been in a relationship with , we will call her E (31F FA), for about 7months
I Wont dive in deep context wise but same FA type of story. started hot heavy, chemistry, connection... but she has understanding importance of communication and attachment theory aware. We were very open about Vulnerable parts of our lives.
She's aware she needs time to process emotions which she said to me early on, I didn't pick up on the FA connection of when she said that. We were Temp long distance for 4 months for work and will be in same city again in a month.
5 months in I noticed the change in behavior and her becoming cold. My Anxious side being triggered after failed attempt to communicate what was going on and getting nothing more than, its nothing I'm just having a tough time. I normally would just give space but I didn't and perused more unfortunately. Which once my activated Anxious chills out the Damage from trying to pull her back in only pushed her farther away.
6months We are still talking on a regular basis but isn't calling anymore (use to call 2-3 times a day for a quick hi and to chat) Flaking on FaceTimes and texting maybe 2-3 times a day vs sending me like 7 text by the time i wake up. I eventually told her that this behavior is triggering past traumas i have of abandonment. We agreed (my idea) to take a couple weeks of space and meet up after to hangout and talk about what we can do better. I then get a few i miss you texts during then i responded and reciprocated and was consistent with not ignoring her during then but kept convos short.
2 weeks go by and we make plans for the hangout and she was ready i was ready and both missed each other. That day comes, she no shows. I text and give 1 call after 30 mins of waiting. 3 hours later she said she was super anxious and overwhelmed and wants to reschedule, same thing happens the next day. She calls later again I say its ok, I understand. Told her that if she isn't interested we can move on no hard feelings and when your ready the door is open. She says she is interested and really wants to see me and move things forward. she's now crying of how bad she feels that she is doing this and that she is mentally struggling feels horrible for it. I suggest she reaches out when she feels safe and has time to process she thanked me for being understanding her state.
5 days go by and she texts apologizing and wants to do a facetime date. I said that if this isn't what she want its better for us to move on, I don't want that but its ok. she said she really want it again..
(I'm back at where I'm working currently) Then we set up the date time etc.. the time comes for it and she does the same thing but doesn't respond to texts or a call for 5 days (clearly deactivated)
We have tried to arrange 3 FTs and same result. Last communication was 3 days ago, day before the last facetime date. I texted and said take us much time and space as you need and when your ready I'm here, that I understand how painful it can feel to let someone you care about down but I'm ok and not upset (I do know how it feels being FA and have done the same to friend family etc.) its crippling and I want to run away forever.
My Questions
Besides obviously letting her have her time & space to process what going on with her emotions, is there anything else i should say or do?
For other women FA What's advice you have more me of the situation? I want to be consistent but still giving her time and space.
Have you been in a similar situation? if so did you come around and finally follow through?
Do I address the behavior when we do talk? or will that trigger deactivation again.
I don't want to deactivate her when or if she shows up so advice on that. I Truly admire her as a person and partner. I want it to continue but I'm fearful of the abandonment.
