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Post by bubbles on Jul 21, 2022 2:24:06 GMT
Me FA and My FA partner or situationship Partner at this point.
Last post was about my story with my SO and she reached out asking to call after 2 months of very little contact. Asked to call and later on in the day we talked for a half hour. apologized and thanked me for standing by her while she was in the freeze and that usually people in her life smother, call constantly telling her off and criticizing her. From friends family or other close to her. felt extreme guilt and bad about herself for not reaching out.
I understand it because I'm currently in freeze with some friends and family. I have a history of running. even have a nickname in in my family as "The bubbles run"
That being said she is now getting therapy and working on herself and has been for a month in therapy which was a relief, makes it easier to not be hesitant to move it forward slowly.
I'm also in therapy and have really been working on the anxious side that gets triggered. previously on the avoidant shut down issue in the past because the anxious side had been dormant from not letting anyone in that would trigger it. once it was triggered i had a hard time identifying what and how i was acting. I've learned some self soothing techniques and grounding tools that have helped immensely. im still a work in progress and bringing myself to deal with the family that ive been avoiding and just do it but as you guys know, that shame and guilt is hard to overcome sometimes.
Will Continue to develop and learn in therapy and on here, thank you for bringing me in.
Question: Specifically for Female FA's if possible. introvert is a bonus
When you came out of a freeze or deactivation and reached back out to reconnect what did that feel like and what change had occurred?
What experiences have you had when reactivating from that state of freeze involving a partner?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2022 3:30:17 GMT
Me FA and My FA partner or situationship Partner at this point. Last post was about my story with my SO and she reached out asking to call after 2 months of very little contact. Asked to call and later on in the day we talked for a half hour. apologized and thanked me for standing by her while she was in the freeze and that usually people in her life smother, call constantly telling her off and criticizing her. From friends family or other close to her. felt extreme guilt and bad about herself for not reaching out. I understand it because I'm currently in freeze with some friends and family. I have a history of running. even have a nickname in in my family as "The bubbles run" That being said she is now getting therapy and working on herself and has been for a month in therapy which was a relief, makes it easier to not be hesitant to move it forward slowly. I'm also in therapy and have really been working on the anxious side that gets triggered. previously on the avoidant shut down issue in the past because the anxious side had been dormant from not letting anyone in that would trigger it. once it was triggered i had a hard time identifying what and how i was acting. I've learned some self soothing techniques and grounding tools that have helped immensely. im still a work in progress and bringing myself to deal with the family that ive been avoiding and just do it but as you guys know, that shame and guilt is hard to overcome sometimes. Will Continue to develop and learn in therapy and on here, thank you for bringing me in. Question: Specifically for Female FA's if possible. introvert is a bonus When you came out of a freeze or deactivation and reached back out to reconnect what did that feel like and what change had occurred? What experiences have you had when reactivating from that state of freeze involving a partner? Hi bubbles, I'm predominately DA (earning secure) so the mechanisms that operate in me are a bit different from FA. I have a difficult time relating to the FA description of the freeze onset. :/ I don't have the same push/pull I don't think? I'll put it this way... I can deactivate and insulate myself enough to not even have to withdraw fully, meaning I don't have to disappear, there is no panic at all, I don't have to flee necessarily. My attachment just turns way down or off. When that resolves, I'm aware that its over and that it was a purely internal thing. I am not sure that I'm making much sense in the context of your question though. I've read and I relate to the idea that FA deactivation and DA deactivation are different, arising from different primal fears. FA is an instinctive fear triggered when a certain level of intimacy or closeness is attained, with a drive to be close and distant at the same time? DA deactivation is more continuously avoidant I guess, without the strong pull to attach and the anxiety that accompanies it. FA is more of a panic and seems very shame driven, or that's how I interpret what I've read in literature and the accounts here. My deactivation doesn't involve that panic feeling. It's just a heavy feeling in my chest and then a low hum of numbness or cotton around my heart and mind. So coming out of that isn't very profound for me actually. It's just a tide that goes in and out and I don't typically have a reflexive shame reaction or anything like that . I think because I tend to really feel isolated in my head with it and don't really think about how anyone else might view me as a result of deactivation. I feel like the whole thing is really private and not very noticeable. Like maybe I'm distant or distracted but I never really leave. I don't have to. Because I'm an island and you can't get to me unless I let you. For the FA, I think there is a lot of flight and then hiding, I don't know if the hiding is in an anguished state or just numb. But I don't have to hide to deactivate. Also, If I leave a relationship to the point of not having contact I won't go back. I don't really leave until I'm really done. I don't have regrets because I made a full decision, and it's not that I was afraid of connecting intimately (because I don't think I ever really got that, before!). Rather, I was not doing well with the impact the connection had on me for whatever reason. So I don't have the drive to reconnect with someone that I determined isn't comfortable for me. Intimacy was an unfamiliar thing so I didn't long for it or run from it. I guess I was shallower than that. Gross lol. I've done a lot of healing and personal development around all that. That all applies more to my relationship history, now I am in a pretty secure relationship and don't experience much in the attachment dysfunction realm. I mean we have conflicts and that can be triggering but I don't particularly feel anything attachment-driven going on. Sorry if that isn't helpful! |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2022 3:36:34 GMT
Gosh now you have me really thinking though and I'm going to see if maybe I'm wrong and I just haven't realized what was going on with me. That probably sounds dumb but I've noticed you guys are a LOT more aware of things in the moment than I have ever been. So maybe I will learn from you instead, sorry about that :/
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2022 3:52:53 GMT
Ok, I went and read your original post and the experience your partner has had is very foreign to me. I don't have that level of anxiety and overwhelm and intensity. I've never become overwhelmed and unable to connect with someone because I have some padding around me. I hold people off with humor or conversation that's about something impersonal rather than experience nervousness or anxiety. I wouldn't say it's insincere but it isn't vulnerable.
So I think I haven't experienced all the vulnerabilty around reconnecting. It's really more of an internal shift that I've always figured wasn't noticed much. :/
UPDATE I went to the support forum to read an old post of mine about having a hard time asking for help. I was writing about deactivating due to external stressors (I pushed my partner away those times due to the strong habit of going it alone )The hyper independence piece... and how that strained the relationship. But it wasn't about an interpersonal deactivation. Perhaps there is something there that's helpful for you, though. I wrote about what went on inside of me and the vulnerability of asking for help. But it wasn't a deactivation originating in the relationship, or having to do with the relationship.
Once this stuff is over I barely remember it but it's right there in black and white so it must have happened haha.
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Post by bubbles on Jul 21, 2022 6:26:39 GMT
Ok, I went and read your original post and the experience your partner has had is very foreign to me. I don't have that level of anxiety and overwhelm and intensity. I've never become overwhelmed and unable to connect with someone because I have some padding around me. I hold people off with humor or conversation that's about something impersonal rather than experience nervousness or anxiety. I wouldn't say it's insincere but it isn't vulnerable. So I think I haven't experienced all the vulnerabilty around reconnecting. It's really more of an internal shift that I've always figured wasn't noticed much. :/ UPDATE I went to the support forum to read an old post of mine about having a hard time asking for help. I was writing about deactivating due to external stressors (I pushed my partner away those times due to the strong habit of going it alone )The hyper independence piece... and how that strained the relationship. But it wasn't about an interpersonal deactivation. Perhaps there is something there that's helpful for you, though. I wrote about what went on inside of me and the vulnerability of asking for help. But it wasn't a deactivation originating in the relationship, or having to do with the relationship. Once this stuff is over I barely remember it but it's right there in black and white so it must have happened haha. Love you're responses thank you! Of course they are helpful too. That's your story and is personal to you and is valuable to share. The more we share from all aspects the more we can help understand what the people we are closest to are going through. We all share a common connection of trying to be better for ourselves and those closest to us. I'm starting to really open my eyes on my past and how FA attachment has affected so many aspects of my life. When I didn't understand what the deactivating/freeze was i figured it was normal or that i was incapable of handling confrontation. Like you said it is a shame or guilt shutdown after i feel like its something i did to cause whoever it was to feel hurt or anger. Something simple as telling someone ide be there at 4pm and I'm not going to make it, I will get anxiety about letting them down and the verbal lashing i feel like I'm going to get. So, i will avoid putting myself in that situation all together. But, doing so only builds the shame i feel as more time passes and my mind basically shuts it off and ill bury myself in something such as social media video games tv outdoor activities to hyperfocus on to forget the shame. ill end up not only freezing on that one person but more or less 90% of people who contact me. I've gotten a lot better at forcing myself to deal with it and teach my brain that its not a big deal. the more i face it soon as something happens i just face it. basically reteaching my brain. when it comes to partners if i bail on a hangout a call don't text them for a couple days and i receive a message on the lines of anger disappointment or passive aggressive ill be shocked if it doesn't take me a month to contact that person. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2022 12:21:34 GMT
Ok, I went and read your original post and the experience your partner has had is very foreign to me. I don't have that level of anxiety and overwhelm and intensity. I've never become overwhelmed and unable to connect with someone because I have some padding around me. I hold people off with humor or conversation that's about something impersonal rather than experience nervousness or anxiety. I wouldn't say it's insincere but it isn't vulnerable. So I think I haven't experienced all the vulnerabilty around reconnecting. It's really more of an internal shift that I've always figured wasn't noticed much. :/ UPDATE I went to the support forum to read an old post of mine about having a hard time asking for help. I was writing about deactivating due to external stressors (I pushed my partner away those times due to the strong habit of going it alone )The hyper independence piece... and how that strained the relationship. But it wasn't about an interpersonal deactivation. Perhaps there is something there that's helpful for you, though. I wrote about what went on inside of me and the vulnerability of asking for help. But it wasn't a deactivation originating in the relationship, or having to do with the relationship. Once this stuff is over I barely remember it but it's right there in black and white so it must have happened haha. Love you're responses thank you! Of course they are helpful too. That's your story and is personal to you and is valuable to share. The more we share from all aspects the more we can help understand what the people we are closest to are going through. We all share a common connection of trying to be better for ourselves and those closest to us. I'm starting to really open my eyes on my past and how FA attachment has affected so many aspects of my life. When I didn't understand what the deactivating/freeze was i figured it was normal or that i was incapable of handling confrontation. Like you said it is a shame or guilt shutdown after i feel like its something i did to cause whoever it was to feel hurt or anger. Something simple as telling someone ide be there at 4pm and I'm not going to make it, I will get anxiety about letting them down and the verbal lashing i feel like I'm going to get. So, i will avoid putting myself in that situation all together. But, doing so only builds the shame i feel as more time passes and my mind basically shuts it off and ill bury myself in something such as social media video games tv outdoor activities to hyperfocus on to forget the shame. ill end up not only freezing on that one person but more or less 90% of people who contact me. I've gotten a lot better at forcing myself to deal with it and teach my brain that its not a big deal. the more i face it soon as something happens i just face it. basically reteaching my brain. when it comes to partners if i bail on a hangout a call don't text them for a couple days and i receive a message on the lines of anger disappointment or passive aggressive ill be shocked if it doesn't take me a month to contact that person. I'm sorry that you experience such overwhelming obstacles to connection, have you been able to identify where that began for you? As a kid? There's a lot of interpersonal angst in the FA, whereas the DA dilemma is more rooted in a sense of isolation. People blend into the general sense of The World that is difficult to find belonging and interdependence in. With DA there isn't the intense approach/avoidance conflict . What helps you navigate it? |
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Post by mrob on Jul 21, 2022 14:56:36 GMT
Over the new year period, I had an experience similar to yours. I’m an FA that’s been here a while and (I hope) made some progress.
I was in a situation where the deactivations were getting more frequent, and there was a familiar pattern. I’d been on that side previously. There comes a time where it just isn’t attractive anymore. That love doesn’t conquer all, and that sticking around hoping the deactivations will stop is indicative of my own issues. I made the decision to act in my own best interest, and it was the best thing I’ve done in a very long time.
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