Post by introvert on Jul 21, 2022 16:07:38 GMT
Dated a wonderful guy in the winter for several months, he was very attentive and interested, incredible chemistry as well. Not quite my type so I was surprised when I liked him as much as I did. He has had considerable trauma in his life as have I but we were both aware and openly discussing it. Things were going well, he knew I needed to take things slow and was very attuned and respectful. He shocked me by calling things off via text, citing dealing with various life situations and when things resolved he hoped to be back in touch. I said I would miss him but respect his choice.
I reached out after a couple months to say hi and see how things resolved. He apologized and we reunited very quickly, clearly there was still a lot between us. He said he loved me and wanted me to be his girlfriend, and he wouldn’t leave again. I was a little scared not having done that with anyone in many years. I said I’d have to think about it but was very loving so I hoped he would not feel rejected but understand that my mind has to be ready too. We saw each other another time, all seemed well, then he started spacing out contact, citing being busy which he actually was. I wasn’t sure what to do and didn’t want him to disappear, so I just let him know I understood if he needed to deal with things on his own and I was there for him, I let him know I did love him back.
No contact from him for a month and a half, I sent a message just saying goodbye essentially and wishing him well since I didn’t get to. He responded and then after a week of brief texting wanted to get together. We spent a day together out on a walk, but this was a different man. He wasn’t affectionate, walked in front of me and away from me constantly though he also seemed talkative and glad to be with me? I kissed him a few times which was intense but I could feel the wall he had up.
I didn’t bring up anything that had happened I just tried to be a safe zone and be calm and loving. He warmed up very slowly and by the end of the day was closer to his normal self but not all the way there by any means. Since seeing him we have had one text a day, which is better than nothing but absolutely nothing from him about feelings. He’s usually very feelings based. I’m just standing back and responding with warmth.
Any insight into what could be going on here? He was very much into attaching to me before, I had to slow him down for my own triggers going off. Then he just disappears but wants to see me but not really be present?
You may be familiar with the term deactivation, if you are familiar with attachment theory (assuming you know something of it as you posted in the FA section here?). That may be what's going on. There is nothing you can do to influence his ability to be consistent or available, unfortunately.