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Post by anxiously on Aug 10, 2022 13:19:03 GMT
Unfortunately I’ve only found out about attachment theory after all of the below happened so please keep this in mind. Without getting into too much detail, here’s my situation.
I have been dating a guy (FA) for a few months now and when we finally met up, things became intimate but he was guilt ridden about it that afterwards said he could only handle being friends. I had already fallen for him (me being an AP).
Fast forward a bit and I realize that some of the things we talk about trigger my insecurities. And the more he pulled away the more I went to prove that I’m worth keeping around. I finally tell him I don’t think I can handle beings just friends and confess how much I love him. A few days after that I realize how much I miss our friendship and reach out to apologize and see if there is a way to be friends again. I haven’t heard back but it’s only been a few days.
I realize I handled this all terribly especially after reading about the attachment styles. So my questions after reading through these threads are:
1. Should I go no contact from here on in or should I send one more message about now understanding my own insecurities and acknowledging his need for space so he knows it won’t be the same situation as before?
2. Do you think he will want to be friends with me again? Will he trust me ever again?
3. If he does get back into contact and we get back to being friends, what is the best way to approach an FA about being an FA?
It’s heartbreaking to lose him both as a friend and as a potential partner.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 10, 2022 18:52:04 GMT
1. Should I go no contact from here on in or should I send one more message about now understanding my own insecurities and acknowledging his need for space so he knows it won’t be the same situation as before? 2. Do you think he will want to be friends with me again? Will he trust me ever again? 3. If he does get back into contact and we get back to being friends, what is the best way to approach an FA about being an FA? It’s heartbreaking to lose him both as a friend and as a potential partner. Welcome to the boards! Sorry you are hurting, but many here have shared your experiences and can provide good advice for breaking out of anxious-avoidant trap relationship patterns. 1. Go no contact. This is someone you've known only a few months who immediately flaked on you after intimacy. He already knows how you feel and handled it with silence, which is not what you want in a partner. This has very little to do with attachment theory changing anything and a lot to do with his inability or lack of desire to communicate about important topics to both relationships (which he did actually clearly communicate he already doesn't want, so you need to respect his boundaries and can't change that) and friendships. Also, you can't just will yourself to change once you've become aware of your own insecurities. This is a complex and deeply ingrained issue that can 100% be addressed but not overnight. It takes time, work, reconditioning, and serious healing and rebuilding of your self-esteem for things to be different. That requires space, as constant triggering from situationships that aren't becoming relationships set you back in healing and earning secure. So, for many reasons, no contact is best. 2. If you are serious about addressing your own issues for yourself, then the answer to this is, we don't know but it also doesn't matter right now. It's a very AP defense mechanism to try to look into the future and wonder about what the other person is thinking and every possible scenario. It's about control: you feel you're not in control now and that's uncomfortable, so by removing yourself from the present and wondering about the future, it gives you some relief in the illusion of having control (if you find the "right" formula, he'll reconnect with you and everything will be perfect). This is an illusion in part because it addresses the wrong problem. Your anxiety isn't really about him as much as it is about you abandoning yourself and not feeling you will be okay surviving on your own. If you want to eventually be friends, handle your own stuff and give yourself time to get over him first. It still may not be possible if he truly is FA because there are two unhealthy sides to insecure attachment dynamics, and if only one of you change, you still encounter all the same challenges and difficulties. All you can do is focus on working on yourself now that you have awareness of your AP style and accompanying challenges. 3. There's lots of threads about this. I'll link you to one to get started. The tl;dr version is, you can't because someone has to be seeking out the information on their own to be open to hearing and receiving it productively. Otherwise they will feel attacked and get defensive. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/3112/reaching-out-bring-awareness-issuesIt's really important to remember that you're dating the person in front of you, not potential. Losing potential hurts and you may need time to mourn it, but lost potential hurts because of unmet expectations and longing to heal some of these attachment wounds, not because the potential was real. Only you can address your attachment wounding, so even if things don't work out with him, you don't actually need them to in order to ease your anxiety. |
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Post by anxiously on Aug 10, 2022 21:14:02 GMT
1. Should I go no contact from here on in or should I send one more message about now understanding my own insecurities and acknowledging his need for space so he knows it won’t be the same situation as before? 1. Go no contact. This is someone you've known only a few months who immediately flaked on you after intimacy. He already knows how you feel and handled it with silence, which is not what you want in a partner. This has very little to do with attachment theory changing anything and a lot to do with his inability or lack of desire to communicate about important topics to both relationships (which he did actually clearly communicate he already doesn't want, so you need to respect his boundaries and can't change that) and friendships. Also, you can't just will yourself to change once you've become aware of your own insecurities. This is a complex and deeply ingrained issue that can 100% be addressed but not overnight. It takes time, work, reconditioning, and serious healing and rebuilding of your self-esteem for things to be different. That requires space, as constant triggering from situationships that aren't becoming relationships set you back in healing and earning secure. So, for many reasons, no contact is best. Really appreciate your answers and advice. I have a follow-up question. I feel really terrible about how I handled this and had I known about mine and his attachments I would have handled it differently. I came on excruciatingly strong and probably pushed his stress level through the roof. Is there a way for me to write him to apologize and just say that I am sorry I didn’t respect his boundaries and that I’m sorry for the stress I’ve caused? He doesn’t trust a lot of people and I feel like I may have set him back in there if his own progress. |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 10, 2022 22:40:46 GMT
You haven't set him back. His trust issues developed prior to you entering his life, and if he is actively dealing with them, then he will learn individuals are individuals and you shouldn't project blanket assumptions about trust. He's probably not thinking about it very much, anyway. Especially if he's avoidant and doesn't want to think about it due to avoidance.
I personally think if you want to reach out to apologize, you should still wait a few months. In his position, if someone said they couldn't be friends because they had feelings, then changed their mind a couple days later, then was giving me this entire explanation I didn't ask for, I'd feel they were very reactive and all over the place and didn't know how they felt about anything, so I couldn't really take them seriously. If someone took the time to sit down, figure stuff out, and clearly was practicing what they preached and working on themselves over time as opposed to just trying to react to salvage something, I'd take the apology as more meaningful. That does not mean I'd want to stay friends, or not stay friends, it doesn't mean anything either way because it's very situation-dependent. But backing off and addressing your issues then showing growth would get you a lot further than even more explanations and potential flip flopping.
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