|
|
Post by ctlguy260 on Aug 12, 2022 19:05:11 GMT
So I have communicated some with my FA/DA ex GF. We have been broken up for 7 months. I am so confused by her communication. This was via email. I reached out a few days ago to catch up. She shared back and forth a little and I finally said I would love to see her and maybe have lunch if she was comfortable with it. She responded it wouldn't be a good idea because she is in a relationship. I told her its hard to imagine that we may never see each other again since the window of opportunity may never present itself when we both are not seeing someone. She has been in 2 relationships quickly after us. I ended the email with something funny from a really good memory. We both ate a thc gummy once (we both have never done that) and the night was hilarious. She responded with "that was the funniest memory ever", and mentioned a few other hilarious memories, one in which I didn't fully remember. She has never shown any enthusiasm over the times we have talked or even talked about the good times over the past 7 months we have exchanged emails. So when i asked what exact moment she was referring to and kept the banter going and telling her she was so hilarious. Well, then she never responded to the question. It felt so disrespectful and I'm thinking, why finally share funny memories and then just stop that way.
We both had the best relationship we ever had and it was rare with constant banter and laughing. She pulled away when it got real and the AP/FA trap and fight or flight was activated. We both know that all we missed to make it work was be open and vulnerable with one another but she would just shut down and push me away and respond in dismissive ways. After what we had its still so confusing as to why what we had was not enough to work through that when I mentioned over and over that's what I waned.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 12, 2022 21:21:27 GMT
So I have communicated some with my FA/DA ex GF. We have been broken up for 7 months. I am so confused by her communication. This was via email. I reached out a few days ago to catch up. She shared back and forth a little and I finally said I would love to see her and maybe have lunch if she was comfortable with it. She responded it wouldn't be a good idea because she is in a relationship. I told her its hard to imagine that we may never see each other again since the window of opportunity may never present itself when we both are not seeing someone. She has been in 2 relationships quickly after us. I ended the email with something funny from a really good memory. We both ate a thc gummy once (we both have never done that) and the night was hilarious. She responded with "that was the funniest memory ever", and mentioned a few other hilarious memories, one in which I didn't fully remember. She has never shown any enthusiasm over the times we have talked or even talked about the good times over the past 7 months we have exchanged emails. So when i asked what exact moment she was referring to and kept the banter going and telling her she was so hilarious. Well, then she never responded to the question. It felt so disrespectful and I'm thinking, why finally share funny memories and then just stop that way. We both had the best relationship we ever had and it was rare with constant banter and laughing. She pulled away when it got real and the AP/FA trap and fight or flight was activated. We both know that all we missed to make it work was be open and vulnerable with one another but she would just shut down and push me away and respond in dismissive ways. After what we had its still so confusing as to why what we had was not enough to work through that when I mentioned over and over that's what I waned. If my ex emailed me and wanted to reminisce and meet up, I'd do what she did... let you know I'm in a relationship. The thing I would do differently is politely and firmly end the conversation, and ask you to refrain from contacting me again, so that we both could just move on to our futures. She didn't do that, for whatever reason but dropping them convo indicates she's really not interested in entertaining your clinging behavior. It sounds like she is polite with you but you are the one trying to keep it going, and she didn't find that necessary. You can decide to ignore the hint and keep chasing her, it's up to you. But to expect anything at all out of an ex is probably a sign of some flawed thinking on your part. You may not be able to let go, but she seems to be. That's just how the cookie crumbles. |
|
|
|
Post by mrob on Aug 13, 2022 2:32:13 GMT
Sounds like textbook FA behaviour to me. It sounds like things may be getting too serious where she is and she’s looking to create internal distance. I’d say this isn’t about you, nor your relationship rather than just her attachment stuff.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2022 13:02:58 GMT
There you have it, the difference between a DA and an FA interpretation of the scenario. FA and DA are not interchangeable, but that doesn't really matter because neither is any more available than AP. Insecure is unavailable, in any flavor. Pursuing an unavailable person is fruitless. And, a symptom of emotional unavailability in oneself.
|
|
|
|
Post by mrob on Aug 14, 2022 17:18:59 GMT
You’re absolutely right @introvert. A DA has the comfort of their not really requiring connection, where as an FA sways between that and being AP. I’ve met very few real, dyed in the wool DAs in life. I have seen two wonderful DA to secure experiences here, though.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2022 19:15:22 GMT
You’re absolutely right @introvert. A DA has the comfort of their not really requiring connection, where as an FA sways between that and being AP. I’ve met very few real, dyed in the wool DAs in life. I have seen two wonderful DA to secure experiences here, though. Yeah, now that I'm in a close relationship with deep connection I can remember NOT having that and I am dumbfounded- I just didn't know it was possible. Hadn't really experienced that "attunement" as they say, and I was aloof to it, scoffed at it, what have you. Dismissed it. I feel a lot more vulnerable on this side but that goes with investing. I know there are a lot of DA out there but they tend to make themselves scarce I guess. But I think FA exists to some degree in any insecurely attached person even if it only shows up in slivers, triggered by the perfect storm. It's been there in me, time to time. But a momentary, fleeting jolt of disorganized behavior differs from a deep, underlying narrative. The deep drives and narrative and worldview are what separate the different styles, I think. |
|
