Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2022 3:35:43 GMT
And changing the telling of it, spontaneously and without any regrets. because I understand things differently now. I am not denying the facts of my childhood, which include alcoholism and mental illness, personality disorders, in my parents. It included emotional neglect and isolation, and a feeling of being so lost and alien in the world I could not see a future.
My perspective has changed though. my bewilderment has given way to understanding, and acceptance, and a free feeling that makes me think of wings and light breezes. I'm laying down the burden, and the way that I've suffered. Things change, people change, I've changed, my world has changed. I don't want to hang on to the past and I don't feel the need to forget it, it's like the seed that split and turned into now.
I almost hate to put it out there, because I have always endured a reflexive urge to hide when I say what I'm really feeling... to snatch it back and pretend it didn't happen. But I'm going to let that go to. Fuck it. Ha. Corny as it may sound, how I think it is how I'll say it. Maybe it won't be so bad.
I'm thankful. I get it now. My parents couldn't do better, and none of this began with me. It didn't begin with them. My family line is full of some of the worst of human struggles, how could they not suffer the way that they did? How could they not cause suffering in me?
I thanked my dad recently for the ways that he took care of me. As a young adult, when he had finally gotten sober. He did his damndest and he did good in ways that really matter. He couldn't be the father I missed, he just couldn't. But the father he was, stood by me. I mentioned to him, that he was an example to me as I parent my children who are now young adults. You never stop being a parent, they don't stop needing you, you don't stop worrying. He told me, "Just love them, and things will be ok. "
You see that, he said just love them, because that's what he did. He loved me. He didn't have the tools to fix everything busted in my heart but he loved me and I know it. That means everything. I understand him, and I appreciate him.
My mother has passed, and she also did the best she could. She was a complicated woman with a lot of pain. Both of them were, and they brought out the worst in each other. My mother never really got past all her obstacles, but I have a softness that's taking over the bitterness. I can feel her in me, when I do something good or I do something not so good, she's there and I can tell her, Mom, let's hold on to this, this is where we get it right! Or, Mom, let's let this go, let's change it up, it doesn't work and I know we can do better. I think she is thankful for me leading where she couldn't. I like to believe that she is healed a little through this.
When people couldn't make me feel like I belonged, trees and creatures and the elements themselves sure did! My best childhood memories were in the outstretched limbs of trees, or exchanging sweetness with my animals, or just dangling my feet off the dock and watching the sun set over the pond. I never really felt alone outside, and I spent a lot of time outside, so that's pretty awesome. Somehow nature sustained me when my people just couldn't, and for that I feel special and loved, and grateful. It's kind of like there is a love in this world that looked for me and found me. So I don't think I ever really WAS alone, I don't!
Now I have lots of people, and a very special Person in the love of my life, my partner. He returns this week from some travel. I miss him. I don't like the feeling because it makes me feel fear! That's just the reality. But it also inspires me to let him know every day that I have him, how much I appreciate him and what he brings to my life. He helps me grow. i help him grow. It's what we are meant for, I believe.
I probably have more. Lots of things on my gratitude list.
My perspective has changed though. my bewilderment has given way to understanding, and acceptance, and a free feeling that makes me think of wings and light breezes. I'm laying down the burden, and the way that I've suffered. Things change, people change, I've changed, my world has changed. I don't want to hang on to the past and I don't feel the need to forget it, it's like the seed that split and turned into now.
I almost hate to put it out there, because I have always endured a reflexive urge to hide when I say what I'm really feeling... to snatch it back and pretend it didn't happen. But I'm going to let that go to. Fuck it. Ha. Corny as it may sound, how I think it is how I'll say it. Maybe it won't be so bad.
I'm thankful. I get it now. My parents couldn't do better, and none of this began with me. It didn't begin with them. My family line is full of some of the worst of human struggles, how could they not suffer the way that they did? How could they not cause suffering in me?
I thanked my dad recently for the ways that he took care of me. As a young adult, when he had finally gotten sober. He did his damndest and he did good in ways that really matter. He couldn't be the father I missed, he just couldn't. But the father he was, stood by me. I mentioned to him, that he was an example to me as I parent my children who are now young adults. You never stop being a parent, they don't stop needing you, you don't stop worrying. He told me, "Just love them, and things will be ok. "
You see that, he said just love them, because that's what he did. He loved me. He didn't have the tools to fix everything busted in my heart but he loved me and I know it. That means everything. I understand him, and I appreciate him.
My mother has passed, and she also did the best she could. She was a complicated woman with a lot of pain. Both of them were, and they brought out the worst in each other. My mother never really got past all her obstacles, but I have a softness that's taking over the bitterness. I can feel her in me, when I do something good or I do something not so good, she's there and I can tell her, Mom, let's hold on to this, this is where we get it right! Or, Mom, let's let this go, let's change it up, it doesn't work and I know we can do better. I think she is thankful for me leading where she couldn't. I like to believe that she is healed a little through this.
When people couldn't make me feel like I belonged, trees and creatures and the elements themselves sure did! My best childhood memories were in the outstretched limbs of trees, or exchanging sweetness with my animals, or just dangling my feet off the dock and watching the sun set over the pond. I never really felt alone outside, and I spent a lot of time outside, so that's pretty awesome. Somehow nature sustained me when my people just couldn't, and for that I feel special and loved, and grateful. It's kind of like there is a love in this world that looked for me and found me. So I don't think I ever really WAS alone, I don't!
Now I have lots of people, and a very special Person in the love of my life, my partner. He returns this week from some travel. I miss him. I don't like the feeling because it makes me feel fear! That's just the reality. But it also inspires me to let him know every day that I have him, how much I appreciate him and what he brings to my life. He helps me grow. i help him grow. It's what we are meant for, I believe.
I probably have more. Lots of things on my gratitude list.
