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Post by introvert on Aug 25, 2022 11:59:29 GMT
I've been trying to work through something really negative in a sibling relationship. My sister and I are estranged and I don't really want to alter that, I want to alter the internal dynamic I have with her and what she represents to me. I found this article about how a sibling can represent one's own shadow. I'm just beginning to apply this kind of perspective to this particular relationship, so I'll be collecting more insight and guidance on how to work with it. Interesting, we go through all this stuff that we feel must be unique but it's practically a meme since the beginning of mankind. www.denisegrobbelaar.com/blog/siblings-as-shadow-partners |
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Post by introvert on Aug 25, 2022 12:17:31 GMT
I struggle to understand what to try to integrate here.
My sister is very talented, to an astounding degree actually which I could admire more if I weren't so put off by her inauthentic and plastic presentation. I mean that figuratively and literally. I've always seen her as the nodding , smiling, pleasing golden child, a role which I understand she was thrust into but I'm kind of disappointed she hasn't been able to escape.
Physically, she has altered her face and body to the point that when I see pictures, I strain to recognize the girl I grew up with. I feel a kind of resentment that she's caved to the beauty ideal- endless youth (so lip injections and some work done) , enormous fake boobs, almost cartoonish proportions (think Jessica Rabbit?), and an ongoing feed of Look At Me and my Fairy Tale Life! postings on social media.
Literally, she has posed with power tools and applied photoshop and dramatic filters...every pic is a marketing poster and I'm like... "Wow, who is this person and why do I find this grotesque and fascinating in a very uncomfortable and off-putting way?"
She's my older sister and I'm in my 50's and there seems to be no possibility of connecting authentically. She seems to represent things I want to move beyond as I contemplate the true meaning of my life, my legacy. As the article writes, we has such opposite ways of being in the world.
Somehow I don't feel safe at all with her... and ai feel a disgust related to what I have actually experienced from her in real life vs the facade she presents to the world and gets ample (what seems like) narcissistic supply for.
I don't want to take away her good qualities. I have experienced those, but they are overshadowed by this larger than life caricature.
So, I am going to try to muddle through this. I've also been doing some exploration of ego and separating from these ideas and stories I've habitually lived with... but it's kind of a confusing process as Ego is in stealth mode and slips in all the freakin time. It's incredible once you become aware of it, like dang man you again, you've had too much coffee! 🤣
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Post by alexandra on Aug 25, 2022 16:59:05 GMT
Maybe the issue is you're not seeing her for her and are seeing her as you wish she was and your relationship was? Which leads to discomfort, unmet expectations, and disappointment.
Her image is a manifestation of insecurity and probably face and body dysmorphia. Which can be a result of being valued most highly by adult attachment figures in childhood for your looks and nothing else, society supporting and reinforcing that, and her inability to validate herself. You can have compassion that she's so insecure that her fear of aging (and losing validation) has led her to where she is. And she never got to a place where she wanted to overcome that, and likely won't based on what you're saying, so it is what it is. That depth you want is probably too scary for her with anyone and may have been pushed down to the point that it effectively no longer exists (in an extreme example, people with NPD effectively reject and destroy their true selves and don't have anything beneath their defense mechanism false selves which is why they can't handle things like criticism).
That doesn't mean you need to engage with her on any particular level that makes you uncomfortable. But it may mean you need to drop any desire for fantasy or preconceived family and sister bond you may hold, how you wish the connection was, and accept it at face value. The face value may mean she isn't safe and comfortable for you and you want her in your life but keeping some emotional distance because of her ongoing issues is healthy. And if that's what it is, that's okay.
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Post by cherrycola on Aug 25, 2022 19:16:35 GMT
I also have a very challenging dynamic with my older sister (12 years) and I have been exploring it in therapy. Some of it is fear that I am more like her then I want to be. She can be extremely judgmental and critical and I hate both of these things in myself and have been working to get rid of them. It's very much the things we dislike in others are things we dislike in ourselves part of shadow work.
There is also jealousy of parts of her personality I admire/want to be more like but I just can't seem to do it. She is insanely successful and well known in her field. On top of that, she can start a conversation with anyone about anything.
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Post by introvert on Aug 25, 2022 20:29:47 GMT
I also have a very challenging dynamic with my older sister (12 years) and I have been exploring it in therapy. Some of it is fear that I am more like her then I want to be. She can be extremely judgmental and critical and I hate both of these things in myself and have been working to get rid of them. It's very much the things we dislike in others are things we dislike in ourselves part of shadow work. There is also jealousy of parts of her personality I admire/want to be more like but I just can't seem to do it. She is insanely successful and well known in her field. On top of that, she can start a conversation with anyone about anything. i have been reflecting on that point prior to making the post, and it seems to me that the element of herself that rejects her body and the aging process is an element i have been addressing in myself a long time. I have grown and am still growing in the area of embracing this whole process, and I don't have near the insecurity that i used to have ( which is perpetuated so strongly in my culture! aging women are "unsightly". So in her I see an alliance with the voice that says aging and imperfection is not acceptable, and that if you aren't a sex symbol, you aren't doing it right. Mid life is a time of deeping and confronting those issues and honestly I feel like I can be my authentic self, do fruitful inner work, with women who are doing the same. |
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Post by introvert on Aug 25, 2022 20:30:33 GMT
sorry for poor typing i'm using one thumb while i hold my grandbaby as she sleeps
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Post by introvert on Aug 25, 2022 21:05:36 GMT
Maybe the issue is you're not seeing her for her and are seeing her as you wish she was and your relationship was? Which leads to discomfort, unmet expectations, and disappointment. Her image is a manifestation of insecurity and probably face and body dysmorphia. Which can be a result of being valued most highly by adult attachment figures in childhood for your looks and nothing else, society supporting and reinforcing that, and her inability to validate herself. You can have compassion that she's so insecure that her fear of aging (and losing validation) has led her to where she is. And she never got to a place where she wanted to overcome that, and likely won't based on what you're saying, so it is what it is. That depth you want is probably too scary for her with anyone and may have been pushed down to the point that it effectively no longer exists (in an extreme example, people with NPD effectively reject and destroy their true selves and don't have anything beneath their defense mechanism false selves which is why they can't handle things like criticism). That doesn't mean you need to engage with her on any particular level that makes you uncomfortable. But it may mean you need to drop any desire for fantasy or preconceived family and sister bond you may hold, how you wish the connection was, and accept it at face value. The face value may mean she isn't safe and comfortable for you and you want her in your life but keeping some emotional distance because of her ongoing issues is healthy. And if that's what it is, that's okay. I forgot to mention we are estranged, a few years now. i don't wish to reconcile but i am trying to work through the angst i have around this dysfunctional family dynamic. your reply is very helpful! sorry to be brief and type poorly still holding a sleepy baby |
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