Post by creek on Sept 1, 2022 7:10:10 GMT
Hello dear users,
I'm writing all of this to vent and organize my thoughts while trying to keep emotions at bay.
I know this is a wall of text, I'm just trying to describe what happened in detail.
Please, your insights are surely going to be valuable, I started questioning my behavior and need some grounding or tough love.
On the second day after the breakup I started trying to make sense out of what happened as I have never seen anything like that in my life before. I was dumbfounded as I was accustomed to thinking that people fight for what they find dear and I just couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I was dumped right after a conflict popped up.
I stumbled upon information about attachment theory. It turns out my ex girlfriend is a FA.
I can proudly title myself as a dumpee for a week now and I am enormously glad that I have found such resources. I have gained valuable information and suddenly, her behavior started to make sense.
Dwelling on the what's and if's should be now maximally restricted, I hope.
Ok, lets go!
So, ex girlfriend.
I met her on Tinder 6 months ago and we immediately clicked. Turns out her best friend was in a relationship with one of mine. I was her first match and the only person that she met with, which I found kind of sweet. Now it concerns me a little bit...
She arrived in an ideal moment - my last 4 year old relationship stopped bothering me emotionally and I found peace with the death of my dad due to Covid. I went on several other dates, but I treated them just as an opportunity to get out of the house. And well, wow, that girl was special. Intelligent, very open, with a similar sense of humor. She sent me lots of compliments - I became suspicious that it's some kind of a joke, this has never happened before, so I acted aloof and try to do my best to distance myself from it. I found it quite flattering and alarming at the same time, yet I liked the attention anyway.
We went on a couple of dates, then spent about 2-3 days per week at my house.
Here's what she told me about herself throughout the first weeks:
- We started meeting after she ended a 6 years old relationship 4 months before with a friend at first. Later I got to know that they slept with each other a couple of times and then he ghosted her for a year. Anyway they somehow got together for the next 6 years, basically living separate lives and meeting from time to time. The last 2 years of the relationship were just due to inertia, she thought maybe he would change. He had his own mental problems, a difficult childhood because of an absent father, didn't want to commit and never wanted to attend therapy too. Told her he loves her just twice. According to her he's a great guy, but not someone to spend the rest of her life with. I see him as a dismissive avoidant.
- On the first of our dates she said that she's going to be upfront and asked if her episode with drugs and anorexia years ago and still being on antidepressants is a problem. For me, personally it wasn't and I was impressed by her honesty.
- She was attending psychotherapy for about a year and had problems with emotions which she keeps suppressing, difficulties with talking about them and panic attacks.
- I also knew that she has a tendency to back out of arguments and has a problem with expressing anger.
- She told me later that she's afraid that she won't be able to reciprocate the same level of love as mine.
Well, what can I say. She was completely honest with me, yet I assumed the problems aren't something to fuss about. I was glad that she was aware of such matters - that's the first step to deal with her problems for good, I thought. You'll walk the walk and just in case I'm right behind you, that's what I told her.
I naively assumed that all these conditions are somehow isolated but it turns out they stems so deep that it had a huge impact on her personality and day to day interactions. Lesson learned.
I know it's pointless now, but i regret not asking further. They're extremely personal matters and I thought that she'll tell me when she feels comfortable enough anyway. I wish she would've told me all of it has it's common name - a type of personality. During our last argument I didn't try to attune my behavior and watch my words more closely, thus making her hurt. Maybe the outcome would've been different.
We were in our honeymoon period, so yeah, that meant staying up all night watching TV, deep, emotional discussions while asking questions about ourselves one by one, sharing our fears, hopes, you name it. I have never ever had such great contact or personality resonance with any other girlfriend before. Yep, she had me.
The first problem appeared 3 months into our informal relationship where she let my friend caress her knee and they both stroked their hands the morning after a wedding of a friend of mine where the four of us were chilling in the saloon. I was curious about what she's going to do, but after a minute or two she did nothing, so I told my friend to fuck off. He told me that he was so exhausted and wasn't fully aware what he was doing. FYI, his partner was in the room as well. (He felt embarrassed and apologized daily for the next two weeks. I know him for 7 years and he never did anything to make me feel bad, so I forgave him) Afterwards, I went to the bathroom where she joined me, so I told her that I was disappointed with her behavior. She told me playfully that she was curious how I'm going to react and she didn't know we were a couple. She went home, asked later how are we doing, I replied and added that that situation wasn't a pleasant sight.
I felt pretty bad and my friends tried to convince me to finally make it official - all that time I tried to let our relationship evolve slowly, as she broke up with her ex recently and I wanted to tread carefully, yet I agreed with them at their suggestion that she might be fed up with all that uncertainty.
On the next day she sensed I felt down, so she asked what happened. I sent her a couple of messages where I told her I found her behavior improper, to put it mildly, as we talked daily for the last 3 months, slept together regularly and I have taken her to a wedding as my partner 2 days ago. It seemed pretty obvious to me that she's not just a temporary fling. She asked if she can come to my workplace and bring me some food. There I calmly told her that I was disappointed and I admitted that I got pretty mad and even considered letting her go as I already treated her as my girlfriend and felt betrayed, but I understand that she might not see herself as such, so I offered getting official. She happily agreed.(Just a sidenote, she agreed that her behavior wasn't right and she felt gross)
Throughout the whole relationship I felt uneasy about her ex. She went into a relationship pretty fast according to my standards and I was sometimes worried that there might be some feelings left. She talked about him a little bit too much according to my taste since we started meeting. Anyway, she ensured me many times during the following months that she ended that relationship for good and she never had any second thoughts about leaving him, loves me and only me without me asking directly about it.
Here's what brought our relationship to an end:
3 weeks ago we went to a festival together. She bumped into her ex in the evening, no biggie, yet he called her the next day and asked her to meet again - she went.
Something to keep in mind:
- I am a pretty easygoing type and never experienced jealousy in any other relationship before as I always jokingly said if a person wants to cheat, he'll find a way to do it through his cage anyway.
- The problem that resulted in her dumping me is not the she met with her ex and I that was too much for me personally, that's her attitude, the fact that she decided to do such a thing during our private trip as a couple and the things she said later got my blood boiling.
- He asked her to get together during the first time they met, she told me that after they met for a second time. Asked her to meet again for the third time a couple of hours later after their second meeting too - she declined.
I told her after she came back that if there are any unfinished businesses between the two of them I regret getting into a relationship with her as that's the only thing I was concerned about. She told me that she did nothing wrong besides meeting for a much longer period of time than she originally assumed and yeah, she went there quickly because she wanted to get it out of the way as fast as possible. Up till then I was simply disappointed by her behavior but during our short talks where she gave additional information it made me feel worse. Everything's in the letter below that I sent her 3 days after the whole situation. I might also add that somehow she misinterpreted my words and though that I told her I regret our relationship - I clarified that's not exactly what I meant, without success. She felt bad.
Here it is:
"Hey -----,
The event that occurred is so emotionally significant to me that I'm going to allow myself to try to outline my perspective to you, as I would like you to know my point of view.
I know I'm coming back to this for the umpteenth time, but I'm much better at formulating my own thoughts in written form than if I had to talk about them using words.
I would also like to point out that when big arguments inevitably happen I prefer to back down and let both parties to calm down first. I need to take my time in private to analyze the whole incident calmly inside my head, this is not to punish with silent treatment or by withdrawal of attention.
This pattern of behavior in combination with a situation where, in my opinion, the only concern about my relationship with you has materialized caused me to react so violently and resulted in me shutting down. This has happened for the first time in my life, I felt lost.
I am sorry that this happened and I do not want to let this state of tension between us continue any longer - I wish to clarify the whole incident and leave it behind for good so we could continue building our relationship.
Let's start with the bigger picture, namely the beginning of our acquaintanceship. We clicked right away and I had the impression that we both speak the same tongues. I knew that you broke up a couple of months ago, and I am aware that such people are often looking for an opportunity to unwind their emotions. I very much did not want to be treated as part of a rebound relationship and due to the mentally taxing last year this resolve was further intensified.
Despite the fact that I got involved emotionally really quick because I didn't meet a better person on Tinder, I nevertheless tried to keep my emotions towards you at bay and your attitude towards me as well. I wanted you to enter a potential relationship with mewith a clean slate, untainted by the previous one.
I was waiting for the proposal that we should officially become a couple came from you but the situation with [my friends name] made me make such a proposal myself - I didn't want you to leave and think that I didn't treat you seriously.
I also held back from saying that I love you first, because I wanted to be sure that these words would be sincere and not forced under pressure.
We used to talk about our fears and I honestly admitted, that in the beginning of our relationship I was afraid that at the end of the day I would've been treated as an emotional band-aid, or enter a relationship in which you haven't completely left the past behind. I very much dislike worrying about things unnecessarily or to look for problems where there are none, so I trusted you and found additional evidence in your words that the last years in a previous relationship consisted of living with each other out of habit and you had stopped thinking about building a life together. You also said that you had been gathering for a long time to break up and the decision was final. That much was enough to make me feel confident.
Nevertheless, there were a few moments where cracks began to appear in my confidence, such as when you told me in a highly emotional way that you started being together after he kept ignoring you for a year when you had slept with each other a couple of times, and you escaped into drugs as a coping mechanism.
You also said that he hurt you in the beginning so much that later disagreements didn't matter anymore, or something like that, I don't remember exactly, and that you both did a lot of harm to each other.
I was strongly concerned because I myself would never build a relationship that was based on such emotional withdrawal and personal disrespect. This was the moment when I felt a little bit alarmed that things between the two of you are not over yet - the emotions regarding your former relationship. Nevertheless, I blew it off and decided that it was a one-time thing and I had nothing to worry about.
I wanted you to feel safe with me, so I often emphasized that my old relationship with [my old ex's name] is over for good and there's nothing she could do to make me return. She had her chance, which was lost, and her place was taken by you. Out of respect for my partner it wouldn't have crossed my mind to get involved in a relationship without leaving the past behind. The only thing left in me are the memories.
Well, and now let's move to the Woodstock situation, you ran into your ex and I had no problem with it, because after all, such situations can happen. I also had several such unplanned meetings with [my old ex's name], where she practically talked about herself all the time, and I very vaguely talked about how things were going with me. Internally, I claimed that there was no need to introduce her to the details of my life, because she shall stay in the past, where her place is.
Well, and we move to the next day, where you reminded me that you bumped into [her ex's name], and you were curious I didn't ask about it the day before. I didn't really want to talk about this topic, but I was curious how you felt about it. Your answer that you don't really know what to think about it surprised me. I was convinced that you have already had worked through the topic emotionally. I didn't have time to ask you about it when your phone rang and it turned out that [her ex's name] wants to meet with you again.
I really don't remember you asking me if I'm fine with it, but I know that I asked you what you were going to do about it. You said he wanted to add something to yesterday's conversation, where I replied that you had 6 years of your life to talk and since that relationship is over I don't see that there should be anything to add. You said more or less that it's going to be a short conversation and you doubt that you will ever see each other again.
I told myself that, after all, I won't forbid you going there but it hurt me that you didn't ask me for my opinion on that matter.
You were gone for more than two hours and from what you told me he did not even mention what was the topic he wanted to elaborate on, you just talked about life overall, the situation after the breakup, your future plans and generally both of you had a good time together.
I felt cheated because he lured you into talking to him. In addition, he said he was in pain and asked you to get together again, where in my opinion after such an confession you should definitely cross him out of your life, since you were already in a relationship with me. You should not be responsible for his emotions. What I know from my own experience is that at that point one should disappear from ex's life completely to let him grieve and get to terms with his loss. Basically, free themselves emotionally first. Only then a friendship might be considered. Without it, keeping in touch results in maintaining not a pure platonic friendship, but a situation where one person tries to get back with the other because their feelings are still raging inside him.
I believe that your behavior wasn't fair towards me as well, because to the sphere of our relationship you are introducing a former partner who is still in love with you and giving him tacit permission to repeat similar actions in the future.
When we went to the showers you also told me that further meetings are not planned, which in itself contradicts what you said earlier, that you will probably never see each other again. So this is not a definite end to the matter, but an open door for further meetings. I believe so especially since you later reacted emotionally to when I was stating my boundaries during our time at the train station, when I said that after what I saw I wish you stopped meeting with him. I have absolutely no idea how you could take this as an ultimatum and I find your reaction alarming. I myself wouldn't want you to feel bad in a similar situation, and yet you thought that you did nothing wrong. You said at the time that you intended to support him because he felt sad. Also, at some point, maybe still at Woodstock you also mentioned that it would reduce your breakup guilt. At that moment I realized that [her ex's name] was actively influencing you, and that you are not putting my feelings first.
That's why I believe you hurt me. He disregarded the fact that you are in a relationship already and behaved abominably toward my person, and you put his well-being above my own, making a therapy session for him during our trip and went to see him because you thought he would feel better. It made me feel cheated, because you were supposed to meet with him to hear what he had to add to your first conversation, not to pat him on the back.
I also don't think that asking for my permission was an form of objecting you. If he wanted to behave in an orderly manner, he would have made sure I was okay with it. I do not find my emotional approach surprising or out of place, since the day before he asked you to get back together.
This situation shocked me and resulted in closing myself emotionally and physically. I felt deeply hurt and angry and for the rest of our trip (1.5 of a day) we communicated in a form of me asking simple questions about the whole situation and her answering them.
It's important to add that when we were traveling back home I told her that her ex's behavior was unacceptable as he knew that she went there with me, so he should've at least ask her if I'm okay with it, but well, he had the audacity to ask her to get back together so I wouldn't even expect it. Off, she got mad and told me that by doing so she would've felt like an object. Well, in my eyes it would've been a sign of respect and good will.
I also told her that I find it astonishing that she agreed for a relationship after she was ignored for a year. That's not what a person with self-respect would do. When we were close to our city she told me that nothing to worry about and that she loves me. I replied that I'm not mad they have met, it's her attitude and their behavior that I find unacceptable. That was Sunday.
She offered me to stay with her throughout the night but I declined since I wouldn't feel comfortable - I still felt hurt, me emotions haven't settled.
On Monday, as soon as I calmed down a little bit I started writing a letter (You've just read it, dear stranger) that described how I felt to organize all these raging thoughts in my head. Surprisingly, she called me crying that I was right and she was out of her mind thinking about making him feel better. She told him that they'll never meet again, demanded that he'd delete her number and that she hopes he will suffer as long as possible just as she did. That their relationship was a mistake and they should've remained only friends. Apparently he told her that he wanted to get back together, but he's been hurt so badly that he won't be able to forgive her. (Whoops, unresolved emotions, I thought. Besides that, what was she doing during therapy as a simple remark from myself was enough for her to realize that..) I replied that cool, the problem got resolved and that I'm currently thinking about giving her a letter because I find it important for her to know why I behaved in such a way.
I thought it's a great way to convey my personal emotions regarding all what happened as talking while being mad at each other brought more harm than good. She told me that everything has been said already, I replied that we didn't really have a conversation, just grumbled at each other and that I won't leave it like that.
She asked me about it on the next day, I replied:
"It exists, but every now and then I make adjustments to it. At most, after the meeting you will give yourself a few more days to think about it. I'll finish the letter and if you won't like to read it, I'll treat it as an exercise for naming emotions and gathering my own thoughts into statements. I'm tired, I didn't think about anything else for a few days. I care about you, see you later."
As I was extremely tired emotionally, I added:
"Eh, [my ex's name] , after thinking about it, I conclude that screw this whole situation. I don't want to waste the next few days analyzing what who said when and how it affected me. I apologize for emotionally distancing myself from you, and with every other comment from your side I took them as an indication that you had some feelings for [her ex's name], and I myself was very apprehensive about getting into a relationship with someone who had not sorted out the events of their past. I know you didn't want to hurt me, my wound up imagination filled in the blanks. What can I say, I was worried about losing you. I don't want us both to suffer, I suggest we meet and come to an agreement."
I sent it to her as a pdf document, she read it and said we can meet later that day.
So we did and then talked calmly about the content of the letter.
I told her that in my opinion she should not allow her exes in her life that still have feelings towards her and that she should politely decline meeting for the second time as he was still attached and offered her to get back together. I repeated myself again, that I'm fine with meeting with ex partners, just not on a trip that we went to together and it's his emotional behavior and her decision to solace him whenever he needs it is what I find extremely inappropriate. She responded that it doesn't matter, as she won't get back with him and she's not responsible for his emotions. They weren't talking about their relationship, just common things after all. She told me she's sorry that I felt in such a way and if she knew I'd react like that she'd act differently. Besides that, she said she has nothing to apologize for and she finds my reaction blown out of the water due to a turmoil in my head and that is me that has to work through it. She told me that she felt anger towards him for the first time since they broke up, maybe because of her depression meds and her delay in processing emotions. I told her that if she would've decided to meet with him for the second time that day or called him right after telling him to cease all contact I would've broken up with her and I already found her behavior unacceptable according to my standards and feel amazed that she doesn't find her attitude inappropriate and hurtful towards me.
Well, and then things went south, as she replied that of course she'll contact him if he needs help in any way. I got mad and told her that she has just contradicted herself about ceasing contact and thus we're breaking up. Well, actually, I started laughing and told her she must be joking, that I find such behavior unacceptable and thus she's free to go. She got emotional and told me that he had a few suicide attempts and she still treats him as a friend and feels obliged to help if something like that would've happened, although she doubts it will. Also, she started attacking me for breaking up. I replied that according to me a relationship consists of two people and I have this uneasy feeling that her ex is still somewhere in the backseat which doesn't make me feel secure as a partner after all that what she has told me. I have highlighted that I cut my ex out my life completely and she's not on my mind anymore. Told her that of course I did not want to break up, I reacted emotionally as in my eyes she have just confirmed that the two of them are going to keep in touch. It was just an emotional reaction because I felt hurt and didn't want to endure all this tension between us any longer. She told me that she has a different stance on keeping in touch with exes and no longer trusts me as I'm saying contradictory things - I wanted to break up and now I'm backtracking, so she doesn't know what to believe and what if such situations are going to repeat in the future as she sees I'm hot-tempered as I did it thrice already (She counted in the situation with my friend as well). She stood up and told me that's the end of our discussion and we'll meet in a couple of days as this was too much. I jolted after her, telling her that she made me promise that I won't let her run, as it is her emotional safety mechanism. She told me she can't feel indifference towards exes as I do. I told her that I would've broken up if she contacted him to chat after explicitly telling him to delete her number and that they'll never meet again as I would've seen it as a break of her resolve and my personal boundaries. I'd probably help my ex if she wanted my help as well and her comment about suicidal attempts was an extreme one and brought unnecessary tension. That's exactly why I do not like arguing in the heat of the moment, as people tend to say hurtful things they don't really mean. I told her that we should end all this drama as it brings harm and is not constructive in any way, she started crying, said I'm right and after a while we went home.
On a sidenote:
My previous ex was really hot-tempered and was the first one to say sorry. I didn't always find it comfortable, as she often did so when I was still processing our argument and wasn't really ready to talk about it and fully reconcile. (We're talking minutes to hours). When I came back to it sometime later she used to get upset that we already talked about it.
My (now ex) girlfriend has a much calmer demeanor (and it was our first argument, a really big one I have to say...) so I wanted to prove to myself that I'm capable at communication and problem solving. What can I say, I knew I reacted emotionally, I cared and wanted for our relationship to get back to normal as fast as possible.
Things seems fine after that, to truly leave it behind I thought about trying to discuss it on a deeper level and sent her this:
"I know that from the relationship conflicts need to be resolved on an ongoing basis. It won't work without sincere conversation and, above all, willingness on both sides. Let's talk casually at some point this weekend, but in a serious tone about what happened, without nitpicking at unnecessary details and keeping score at each other.
We have had our first serious argument, the reason is no longer important. It's been a few days now, we've had time to cool down, get our act together and put our own thoughts in order. We won't undo what happened, but it's up to us to use the experience in a constructive way or whether the only thing to come out of it is a sense of hurt and distancing ourselves as partners. I would like us to share insights without in any way blaming the other part. I also wouldn't want us to interrupt each other, let's respect our feelings.
I'm trying to take care of this relationship, so I want us to know how to navigate around each other in any future arguments.
Don't think that there will be such a big one every few months, I got anxious because I thought my own fears have just come true.
As for questions, I would suggest, for example
What are your feelings about the whole situation?
Why do you think it took place?
Why did each of us react in exactly the way we did?
What are the positives of the whole incident?
What could we have done better and what would we have expected from the other side?
What did we find most offensive/hurtful about the other person's actions?
How will it affect our relationship?"
Well, we met for a day but she said she wasn't ready to talk despite being enthusiastic the day before. She only told me that she would like me to inform her when I am bothered by something yet not ready to talk as she can sense it and the slight anxiety follows her after the topic's already has been discussed. There was some tension between us and she told me that she's reluctant to have sex with me, which I found understandable and felt the same about her but besides that everything seemed fine. She admitted that she doesn't feel well psychically and it's like the whole year of her therapy went down the drain. This made me worried, I apologized for putting her in distress and said that I'm happy to help. I don't know when exactly, but she admitted a couple of times that even when she tries to reason with herself, emotionally nothing inside her changes. She still felt disappointed, upset and her body reacted somatically to stress, resulting in exhaustion. We watched a film together, played with her dog, cuddled a bit and when I asked her is anything is going to change between us - she replied that I have nothing to worry about.
Before all this drama happened we used to spend a few days in a row together from time to time so I suggested her to stay for one more day, till Tuesday morning. (Monday was a National Day). She said that after all that happened she has to spend some time alone but we can exchange messages, as always. I asked her to let me know when she gets home and she replied that she's glad that things are coming back to normal. To add to it, she wanted to go earlier because she thought I felt uneasy in her company, I explained that I find her presence comforting, I'm just worried about her emotional state and I feel powerless as the conflict is still unresolved.
The phone conversations weren't as natural as always, so I replied that I'll give her space. On the next day I just felt so tired with no progress as this whole argument lasted for two weeks already without any resolve and thought that maybe I could ease up her pain a little or that maybe she thought I'm ceasing all contact, so I called her in the evening and offered to meet and talk. She offered to meet the next day, I replied that I wish we could fix it as fast as possible so just let's meet now for a short time and she reluctantly agreed, as it was in the evening.
-----------
Really, I've never been anxious before in a relationship, yet her putting the blame solely on me, her firm stance that she did nothing wrong and the thought of her suffering made me feel extremely exhausted psychically. All I wanted was reassurance but she never really made me think that she acknowledged how I feel and the act of talking about my emotions made her feel uneasy and defensive, she kept suggesting that the way I feel is due to my imagination and I treated her like somebody who's as changeable as a weathercock when it came to her feelings.
----------------
We met, sat down and she lashed at me. I've never seen her like that before, she even didn't let me touch her. I don't remember the conversation fully but she said that I didn't respect her request to meet tomorrow when she would've been calmer, so here she is. I told her that hey, sorry, I didn't mean no harm, I assumed that by giving space she meant just Monday. She told me that's another thing I've made up in my head and that she never lied to me about her intentions and feelings towards me and feels hurt by all that drama I'm putting her through and I'm the one responsible for dealing with my own emotions. I replied that I try to keep my provision that I'm going to be absolutely honest and open about my own emotions and feelings, she said that it's up to me to resolve them and due to me being so volatile she doesn't know what to believe anymore, that I want to break up first, then I backtrack and say I didn't really mean it. That she started thinking that my behavior is an exit strategy on my part and I'm looking for a way out by creating conflict. That she opened up and I reacted with anger that she has to endure having an extreme amount of personal responsibilities right now on which her future depends and her priority is being self-sufficient. (Her father had the upper hand when it came to household finances)
That I made her feel bad during that situation with my friend after the wedding, but we weren't officially a couple after all so what's the fuss about. (Sidenote, she told me once that when we started to know each other she didn't want a fwb relationship, but told me otherwise. Well, we were joking about it pretty often. That she felt relieved that I asked to meet when she considered breaking contact after getting back from the UK as she was developing feelings and she didn't want that in the first place, as she told me.) She asked me what if I'm going to react so out of place and break up again in a couple of years? She said she doesn't feel secure anymore, she started having doubts and is considering breaking up and I should give her time. That was Tuesday.
What can I say, I'm only human, having feelings and emotions sometimes makes act without thinking.. Her behavior wasn't in line with my personal code of conduit and I didn't feel like I was treated as an equal partner. I have no problem meeting with exes, yet in other circumstances and without strong emotions still present. I felt disrespected and thought that my fears have been realized and I was right from the beginning. I wanted her to acknowledge it, yet she made me feel that's it's all my fault and it only made me irritated. She said she's not sorry for meeting with her ex as it resulted in them ceasing contact and that's she's not responsible for they way I feel. I explained that I felt hurt, not being reckoned with and I just wish she knew about it. She kept saying that there is nothing more to add to this situation and I already repeated myself 3 times and it seems we had conflicting opinions on this matter.
She cancelled our weekend trip with my military friends and went basically radio silent, sending a couple of messages every other day but it felt forced as none of us really wanted to keep the conversation going. I wanted to give her space as she had asked for it, yet after drinking a couple of beers I got pretty pissed and told myself that I shouldn't feel anxious in my own relationship and feel hesitant as to whether I should contact my SO when I'm feeling worried or down, so I asked her on Friday evening if I'm having a stroke or are we really going to break up. She responded that I must have had a stroke and I should've drank more water. One the next day I asked to meet her tomorrow, that is Sunday, so we could talk and not push the whole argument into its third week, she agreed. I asked her how does she feel, she replied that exactly the same as a week and two before and nothing changed and that she's sorry. My heart sank. Jesus, I drank 6 beers and read stoic philosophy to calm myself down in these 6 hours of travel.
I was surprised by my calmness during this whole meeting, just saying.
We finally met, I said that I am simply tired, because all of this blew out of proportion due to my only anxiety about our relationship. Also, I'm worried about her statement that she has doubts about us as it makes me feel uneasy. I reassured her that she can count on me to soothe her current emotional state, but in order to do so I need her will to do so, so we could cooperate and leave the past behind. That's all I'm asking for, her willingness to cooperate as a couple.
She told me that it is if a emotional wall encircled her and she feels uneasy around me and doesn't find my company pleasant anymore (Wow, just wow.) That she felt like an object when I told her that her ex could've checked if I'm okay with their meeting, that it's like I'm trying to control her and she doesn't trust me. That this is a really important time in her life as she just got another job and her security is crucial right now and she can't feel down anymore as it affects her work.
Well, I replied, the decision is up to you, my feelings were hurt, I've calmed myself down and I understand I might've overreacted, but it doesn't mean I don't want to be with you and talk everything through. She said that the week before she was close to getting to terms with all that happened but something inside her just snapped a couple of days ago and according to her there is no good solution. I suggested giving it time, as making such decisions in such an emotional state isn't the smartest thing to do. She said that she doesn't want to feel so bad any longer and after a couple of minutes sitting with watery eyes she said that she's sorry.
I told her that find it difficult to comprehend how 3 weeks ago you were on top of the world and considered moving in with me but after our first fight you just want to bail. It seems life can't be too good, she replied.
We hugged, she started crying, I thanked her for the best 6 months of my life, reassured her that no matter what happens she'll power through it and I believe in her. Added, that I thought we're going to make it but you have made your decision, so farewell.
End of story.
Eh, really, I still am in disbelief how such a great looking relationship where both of us had a blast, we got to know each others parents and closest friends, traveled abroad and went on various other trips could implode when a problem appeared. She told me that we get along so well that her friends joke that it's destiny. What can I say, words are cheap.
I tried communicating openly and was shocked by her lack of self awareness and the ability to twist everything in such a way so it seemed that was only my fault. Honestly, her stubbornness made me question my own behavior and sanity in the end. I have never been exposed to such behavior in my life before.
All my life I thought that being in a relationship means not only taking care of ourselves, but also checking on our partner and making sure he's happy. If he has a concern, we should've look for a solution together, as a team. She didn't even try to understand how I felt, downplayed it and treated me in such a way as I were attacking her. Her lack of remorse and thoughtfulness made be feel dumbfounded. Have I been toxic and controlling? I still firmly believe I wasn't treated right during our trip and the boundaries of a healthy relationship were disregarded and overstepped by my ex. I am open to critique and discussion.
I agree, I got mad, it happens, but as soon as I got my composure back i started to fix what I fucked up. I think I acted responsibly and in a mature way and I am proud of it.
I wished to form a secure relationship and I strongly believe that how I treat my partner is a reflection of myself. Never have I ever intentionally treated her badly or tried to hurt her in any way. I didn't even shout when we were arguing, I just raised my voice twice. Before our argument I always made sure that she felt safe and secure. She kept telling me we get along really well and she finally feels appreciated and treated as a woman and not just a friend in a relationship. Damn, what a ride.
I'm writing all of this to vent and organize my thoughts while trying to keep emotions at bay.
I know this is a wall of text, I'm just trying to describe what happened in detail.
Please, your insights are surely going to be valuable, I started questioning my behavior and need some grounding or tough love.
On the second day after the breakup I started trying to make sense out of what happened as I have never seen anything like that in my life before. I was dumbfounded as I was accustomed to thinking that people fight for what they find dear and I just couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I was dumped right after a conflict popped up.
I stumbled upon information about attachment theory. It turns out my ex girlfriend is a FA.
I can proudly title myself as a dumpee for a week now and I am enormously glad that I have found such resources. I have gained valuable information and suddenly, her behavior started to make sense.
Dwelling on the what's and if's should be now maximally restricted, I hope.
Ok, lets go!
So, ex girlfriend.
I met her on Tinder 6 months ago and we immediately clicked. Turns out her best friend was in a relationship with one of mine. I was her first match and the only person that she met with, which I found kind of sweet. Now it concerns me a little bit...
She arrived in an ideal moment - my last 4 year old relationship stopped bothering me emotionally and I found peace with the death of my dad due to Covid. I went on several other dates, but I treated them just as an opportunity to get out of the house. And well, wow, that girl was special. Intelligent, very open, with a similar sense of humor. She sent me lots of compliments - I became suspicious that it's some kind of a joke, this has never happened before, so I acted aloof and try to do my best to distance myself from it. I found it quite flattering and alarming at the same time, yet I liked the attention anyway.
We went on a couple of dates, then spent about 2-3 days per week at my house.
Here's what she told me about herself throughout the first weeks:
- We started meeting after she ended a 6 years old relationship 4 months before with a friend at first. Later I got to know that they slept with each other a couple of times and then he ghosted her for a year. Anyway they somehow got together for the next 6 years, basically living separate lives and meeting from time to time. The last 2 years of the relationship were just due to inertia, she thought maybe he would change. He had his own mental problems, a difficult childhood because of an absent father, didn't want to commit and never wanted to attend therapy too. Told her he loves her just twice. According to her he's a great guy, but not someone to spend the rest of her life with. I see him as a dismissive avoidant.
- On the first of our dates she said that she's going to be upfront and asked if her episode with drugs and anorexia years ago and still being on antidepressants is a problem. For me, personally it wasn't and I was impressed by her honesty.
- She was attending psychotherapy for about a year and had problems with emotions which she keeps suppressing, difficulties with talking about them and panic attacks.
- I also knew that she has a tendency to back out of arguments and has a problem with expressing anger.
- She told me later that she's afraid that she won't be able to reciprocate the same level of love as mine.
Well, what can I say. She was completely honest with me, yet I assumed the problems aren't something to fuss about. I was glad that she was aware of such matters - that's the first step to deal with her problems for good, I thought. You'll walk the walk and just in case I'm right behind you, that's what I told her.
I naively assumed that all these conditions are somehow isolated but it turns out they stems so deep that it had a huge impact on her personality and day to day interactions. Lesson learned.
I know it's pointless now, but i regret not asking further. They're extremely personal matters and I thought that she'll tell me when she feels comfortable enough anyway. I wish she would've told me all of it has it's common name - a type of personality. During our last argument I didn't try to attune my behavior and watch my words more closely, thus making her hurt. Maybe the outcome would've been different.
We were in our honeymoon period, so yeah, that meant staying up all night watching TV, deep, emotional discussions while asking questions about ourselves one by one, sharing our fears, hopes, you name it. I have never ever had such great contact or personality resonance with any other girlfriend before. Yep, she had me.
The first problem appeared 3 months into our informal relationship where she let my friend caress her knee and they both stroked their hands the morning after a wedding of a friend of mine where the four of us were chilling in the saloon. I was curious about what she's going to do, but after a minute or two she did nothing, so I told my friend to fuck off. He told me that he was so exhausted and wasn't fully aware what he was doing. FYI, his partner was in the room as well. (He felt embarrassed and apologized daily for the next two weeks. I know him for 7 years and he never did anything to make me feel bad, so I forgave him) Afterwards, I went to the bathroom where she joined me, so I told her that I was disappointed with her behavior. She told me playfully that she was curious how I'm going to react and she didn't know we were a couple. She went home, asked later how are we doing, I replied and added that that situation wasn't a pleasant sight.
I felt pretty bad and my friends tried to convince me to finally make it official - all that time I tried to let our relationship evolve slowly, as she broke up with her ex recently and I wanted to tread carefully, yet I agreed with them at their suggestion that she might be fed up with all that uncertainty.
On the next day she sensed I felt down, so she asked what happened. I sent her a couple of messages where I told her I found her behavior improper, to put it mildly, as we talked daily for the last 3 months, slept together regularly and I have taken her to a wedding as my partner 2 days ago. It seemed pretty obvious to me that she's not just a temporary fling. She asked if she can come to my workplace and bring me some food. There I calmly told her that I was disappointed and I admitted that I got pretty mad and even considered letting her go as I already treated her as my girlfriend and felt betrayed, but I understand that she might not see herself as such, so I offered getting official. She happily agreed.(Just a sidenote, she agreed that her behavior wasn't right and she felt gross)
Throughout the whole relationship I felt uneasy about her ex. She went into a relationship pretty fast according to my standards and I was sometimes worried that there might be some feelings left. She talked about him a little bit too much according to my taste since we started meeting. Anyway, she ensured me many times during the following months that she ended that relationship for good and she never had any second thoughts about leaving him, loves me and only me without me asking directly about it.
Here's what brought our relationship to an end:
3 weeks ago we went to a festival together. She bumped into her ex in the evening, no biggie, yet he called her the next day and asked her to meet again - she went.
Something to keep in mind:
- I am a pretty easygoing type and never experienced jealousy in any other relationship before as I always jokingly said if a person wants to cheat, he'll find a way to do it through his cage anyway.
- The problem that resulted in her dumping me is not the she met with her ex and I that was too much for me personally, that's her attitude, the fact that she decided to do such a thing during our private trip as a couple and the things she said later got my blood boiling.
- He asked her to get together during the first time they met, she told me that after they met for a second time. Asked her to meet again for the third time a couple of hours later after their second meeting too - she declined.
I told her after she came back that if there are any unfinished businesses between the two of them I regret getting into a relationship with her as that's the only thing I was concerned about. She told me that she did nothing wrong besides meeting for a much longer period of time than she originally assumed and yeah, she went there quickly because she wanted to get it out of the way as fast as possible. Up till then I was simply disappointed by her behavior but during our short talks where she gave additional information it made me feel worse. Everything's in the letter below that I sent her 3 days after the whole situation. I might also add that somehow she misinterpreted my words and though that I told her I regret our relationship - I clarified that's not exactly what I meant, without success. She felt bad.
Here it is:
"Hey -----,
The event that occurred is so emotionally significant to me that I'm going to allow myself to try to outline my perspective to you, as I would like you to know my point of view.
I know I'm coming back to this for the umpteenth time, but I'm much better at formulating my own thoughts in written form than if I had to talk about them using words.
I would also like to point out that when big arguments inevitably happen I prefer to back down and let both parties to calm down first. I need to take my time in private to analyze the whole incident calmly inside my head, this is not to punish with silent treatment or by withdrawal of attention.
This pattern of behavior in combination with a situation where, in my opinion, the only concern about my relationship with you has materialized caused me to react so violently and resulted in me shutting down. This has happened for the first time in my life, I felt lost.
I am sorry that this happened and I do not want to let this state of tension between us continue any longer - I wish to clarify the whole incident and leave it behind for good so we could continue building our relationship.
Let's start with the bigger picture, namely the beginning of our acquaintanceship. We clicked right away and I had the impression that we both speak the same tongues. I knew that you broke up a couple of months ago, and I am aware that such people are often looking for an opportunity to unwind their emotions. I very much did not want to be treated as part of a rebound relationship and due to the mentally taxing last year this resolve was further intensified.
Despite the fact that I got involved emotionally really quick because I didn't meet a better person on Tinder, I nevertheless tried to keep my emotions towards you at bay and your attitude towards me as well. I wanted you to enter a potential relationship with mewith a clean slate, untainted by the previous one.
I was waiting for the proposal that we should officially become a couple came from you but the situation with [my friends name] made me make such a proposal myself - I didn't want you to leave and think that I didn't treat you seriously.
I also held back from saying that I love you first, because I wanted to be sure that these words would be sincere and not forced under pressure.
We used to talk about our fears and I honestly admitted, that in the beginning of our relationship I was afraid that at the end of the day I would've been treated as an emotional band-aid, or enter a relationship in which you haven't completely left the past behind. I very much dislike worrying about things unnecessarily or to look for problems where there are none, so I trusted you and found additional evidence in your words that the last years in a previous relationship consisted of living with each other out of habit and you had stopped thinking about building a life together. You also said that you had been gathering for a long time to break up and the decision was final. That much was enough to make me feel confident.
Nevertheless, there were a few moments where cracks began to appear in my confidence, such as when you told me in a highly emotional way that you started being together after he kept ignoring you for a year when you had slept with each other a couple of times, and you escaped into drugs as a coping mechanism.
You also said that he hurt you in the beginning so much that later disagreements didn't matter anymore, or something like that, I don't remember exactly, and that you both did a lot of harm to each other.
I was strongly concerned because I myself would never build a relationship that was based on such emotional withdrawal and personal disrespect. This was the moment when I felt a little bit alarmed that things between the two of you are not over yet - the emotions regarding your former relationship. Nevertheless, I blew it off and decided that it was a one-time thing and I had nothing to worry about.
I wanted you to feel safe with me, so I often emphasized that my old relationship with [my old ex's name] is over for good and there's nothing she could do to make me return. She had her chance, which was lost, and her place was taken by you. Out of respect for my partner it wouldn't have crossed my mind to get involved in a relationship without leaving the past behind. The only thing left in me are the memories.
Well, and now let's move to the Woodstock situation, you ran into your ex and I had no problem with it, because after all, such situations can happen. I also had several such unplanned meetings with [my old ex's name], where she practically talked about herself all the time, and I very vaguely talked about how things were going with me. Internally, I claimed that there was no need to introduce her to the details of my life, because she shall stay in the past, where her place is.
Well, and we move to the next day, where you reminded me that you bumped into [her ex's name], and you were curious I didn't ask about it the day before. I didn't really want to talk about this topic, but I was curious how you felt about it. Your answer that you don't really know what to think about it surprised me. I was convinced that you have already had worked through the topic emotionally. I didn't have time to ask you about it when your phone rang and it turned out that [her ex's name] wants to meet with you again.
I really don't remember you asking me if I'm fine with it, but I know that I asked you what you were going to do about it. You said he wanted to add something to yesterday's conversation, where I replied that you had 6 years of your life to talk and since that relationship is over I don't see that there should be anything to add. You said more or less that it's going to be a short conversation and you doubt that you will ever see each other again.
I told myself that, after all, I won't forbid you going there but it hurt me that you didn't ask me for my opinion on that matter.
You were gone for more than two hours and from what you told me he did not even mention what was the topic he wanted to elaborate on, you just talked about life overall, the situation after the breakup, your future plans and generally both of you had a good time together.
I felt cheated because he lured you into talking to him. In addition, he said he was in pain and asked you to get together again, where in my opinion after such an confession you should definitely cross him out of your life, since you were already in a relationship with me. You should not be responsible for his emotions. What I know from my own experience is that at that point one should disappear from ex's life completely to let him grieve and get to terms with his loss. Basically, free themselves emotionally first. Only then a friendship might be considered. Without it, keeping in touch results in maintaining not a pure platonic friendship, but a situation where one person tries to get back with the other because their feelings are still raging inside him.
I believe that your behavior wasn't fair towards me as well, because to the sphere of our relationship you are introducing a former partner who is still in love with you and giving him tacit permission to repeat similar actions in the future.
When we went to the showers you also told me that further meetings are not planned, which in itself contradicts what you said earlier, that you will probably never see each other again. So this is not a definite end to the matter, but an open door for further meetings. I believe so especially since you later reacted emotionally to when I was stating my boundaries during our time at the train station, when I said that after what I saw I wish you stopped meeting with him. I have absolutely no idea how you could take this as an ultimatum and I find your reaction alarming. I myself wouldn't want you to feel bad in a similar situation, and yet you thought that you did nothing wrong. You said at the time that you intended to support him because he felt sad. Also, at some point, maybe still at Woodstock you also mentioned that it would reduce your breakup guilt. At that moment I realized that [her ex's name] was actively influencing you, and that you are not putting my feelings first.
That's why I believe you hurt me. He disregarded the fact that you are in a relationship already and behaved abominably toward my person, and you put his well-being above my own, making a therapy session for him during our trip and went to see him because you thought he would feel better. It made me feel cheated, because you were supposed to meet with him to hear what he had to add to your first conversation, not to pat him on the back.
I also don't think that asking for my permission was an form of objecting you. If he wanted to behave in an orderly manner, he would have made sure I was okay with it. I do not find my emotional approach surprising or out of place, since the day before he asked you to get back together.
I believe I have the right to feel outraged as well as hurt by your attitude. I feel left out and treated unfairly, I would never have brought about such a situation myself, and I have vowed both to you and to myself to take care of you as your partner."
----------
This situation shocked me and resulted in closing myself emotionally and physically. I felt deeply hurt and angry and for the rest of our trip (1.5 of a day) we communicated in a form of me asking simple questions about the whole situation and her answering them.
It's important to add that when we were traveling back home I told her that her ex's behavior was unacceptable as he knew that she went there with me, so he should've at least ask her if I'm okay with it, but well, he had the audacity to ask her to get back together so I wouldn't even expect it. Off, she got mad and told me that by doing so she would've felt like an object. Well, in my eyes it would've been a sign of respect and good will.
I also told her that I find it astonishing that she agreed for a relationship after she was ignored for a year. That's not what a person with self-respect would do. When we were close to our city she told me that nothing to worry about and that she loves me. I replied that I'm not mad they have met, it's her attitude and their behavior that I find unacceptable. That was Sunday.
She offered me to stay with her throughout the night but I declined since I wouldn't feel comfortable - I still felt hurt, me emotions haven't settled.
On Monday, as soon as I calmed down a little bit I started writing a letter (You've just read it, dear stranger) that described how I felt to organize all these raging thoughts in my head. Surprisingly, she called me crying that I was right and she was out of her mind thinking about making him feel better. She told him that they'll never meet again, demanded that he'd delete her number and that she hopes he will suffer as long as possible just as she did. That their relationship was a mistake and they should've remained only friends. Apparently he told her that he wanted to get back together, but he's been hurt so badly that he won't be able to forgive her. (Whoops, unresolved emotions, I thought. Besides that, what was she doing during therapy as a simple remark from myself was enough for her to realize that..) I replied that cool, the problem got resolved and that I'm currently thinking about giving her a letter because I find it important for her to know why I behaved in such a way.
I thought it's a great way to convey my personal emotions regarding all what happened as talking while being mad at each other brought more harm than good. She told me that everything has been said already, I replied that we didn't really have a conversation, just grumbled at each other and that I won't leave it like that.
She asked me about it on the next day, I replied:
"It exists, but every now and then I make adjustments to it. At most, after the meeting you will give yourself a few more days to think about it. I'll finish the letter and if you won't like to read it, I'll treat it as an exercise for naming emotions and gathering my own thoughts into statements. I'm tired, I didn't think about anything else for a few days. I care about you, see you later."
As I was extremely tired emotionally, I added:
"Eh, [my ex's name] , after thinking about it, I conclude that screw this whole situation. I don't want to waste the next few days analyzing what who said when and how it affected me. I apologize for emotionally distancing myself from you, and with every other comment from your side I took them as an indication that you had some feelings for [her ex's name], and I myself was very apprehensive about getting into a relationship with someone who had not sorted out the events of their past. I know you didn't want to hurt me, my wound up imagination filled in the blanks. What can I say, I was worried about losing you. I don't want us both to suffer, I suggest we meet and come to an agreement."
I sent it to her as a pdf document, she read it and said we can meet later that day.
So we did and then talked calmly about the content of the letter.
I told her that in my opinion she should not allow her exes in her life that still have feelings towards her and that she should politely decline meeting for the second time as he was still attached and offered her to get back together. I repeated myself again, that I'm fine with meeting with ex partners, just not on a trip that we went to together and it's his emotional behavior and her decision to solace him whenever he needs it is what I find extremely inappropriate. She responded that it doesn't matter, as she won't get back with him and she's not responsible for his emotions. They weren't talking about their relationship, just common things after all. She told me she's sorry that I felt in such a way and if she knew I'd react like that she'd act differently. Besides that, she said she has nothing to apologize for and she finds my reaction blown out of the water due to a turmoil in my head and that is me that has to work through it. She told me that she felt anger towards him for the first time since they broke up, maybe because of her depression meds and her delay in processing emotions. I told her that if she would've decided to meet with him for the second time that day or called him right after telling him to cease all contact I would've broken up with her and I already found her behavior unacceptable according to my standards and feel amazed that she doesn't find her attitude inappropriate and hurtful towards me.
Well, and then things went south, as she replied that of course she'll contact him if he needs help in any way. I got mad and told her that she has just contradicted herself about ceasing contact and thus we're breaking up. Well, actually, I started laughing and told her she must be joking, that I find such behavior unacceptable and thus she's free to go. She got emotional and told me that he had a few suicide attempts and she still treats him as a friend and feels obliged to help if something like that would've happened, although she doubts it will. Also, she started attacking me for breaking up. I replied that according to me a relationship consists of two people and I have this uneasy feeling that her ex is still somewhere in the backseat which doesn't make me feel secure as a partner after all that what she has told me. I have highlighted that I cut my ex out my life completely and she's not on my mind anymore. Told her that of course I did not want to break up, I reacted emotionally as in my eyes she have just confirmed that the two of them are going to keep in touch. It was just an emotional reaction because I felt hurt and didn't want to endure all this tension between us any longer. She told me that she has a different stance on keeping in touch with exes and no longer trusts me as I'm saying contradictory things - I wanted to break up and now I'm backtracking, so she doesn't know what to believe and what if such situations are going to repeat in the future as she sees I'm hot-tempered as I did it thrice already (She counted in the situation with my friend as well). She stood up and told me that's the end of our discussion and we'll meet in a couple of days as this was too much. I jolted after her, telling her that she made me promise that I won't let her run, as it is her emotional safety mechanism. She told me she can't feel indifference towards exes as I do. I told her that I would've broken up if she contacted him to chat after explicitly telling him to delete her number and that they'll never meet again as I would've seen it as a break of her resolve and my personal boundaries. I'd probably help my ex if she wanted my help as well and her comment about suicidal attempts was an extreme one and brought unnecessary tension. That's exactly why I do not like arguing in the heat of the moment, as people tend to say hurtful things they don't really mean. I told her that we should end all this drama as it brings harm and is not constructive in any way, she started crying, said I'm right and after a while we went home.
On a sidenote:
My previous ex was really hot-tempered and was the first one to say sorry. I didn't always find it comfortable, as she often did so when I was still processing our argument and wasn't really ready to talk about it and fully reconcile. (We're talking minutes to hours). When I came back to it sometime later she used to get upset that we already talked about it.
My (now ex) girlfriend has a much calmer demeanor (and it was our first argument, a really big one I have to say...) so I wanted to prove to myself that I'm capable at communication and problem solving. What can I say, I knew I reacted emotionally, I cared and wanted for our relationship to get back to normal as fast as possible.
Things seems fine after that, to truly leave it behind I thought about trying to discuss it on a deeper level and sent her this:
"I know that from the relationship conflicts need to be resolved on an ongoing basis. It won't work without sincere conversation and, above all, willingness on both sides. Let's talk casually at some point this weekend, but in a serious tone about what happened, without nitpicking at unnecessary details and keeping score at each other.
We have had our first serious argument, the reason is no longer important. It's been a few days now, we've had time to cool down, get our act together and put our own thoughts in order. We won't undo what happened, but it's up to us to use the experience in a constructive way or whether the only thing to come out of it is a sense of hurt and distancing ourselves as partners. I would like us to share insights without in any way blaming the other part. I also wouldn't want us to interrupt each other, let's respect our feelings.
I'm trying to take care of this relationship, so I want us to know how to navigate around each other in any future arguments.
Don't think that there will be such a big one every few months, I got anxious because I thought my own fears have just come true.
As for questions, I would suggest, for example
What are your feelings about the whole situation?
Why do you think it took place?
Why did each of us react in exactly the way we did?
What are the positives of the whole incident?
What could we have done better and what would we have expected from the other side?
What did we find most offensive/hurtful about the other person's actions?
How will it affect our relationship?"
Well, we met for a day but she said she wasn't ready to talk despite being enthusiastic the day before. She only told me that she would like me to inform her when I am bothered by something yet not ready to talk as she can sense it and the slight anxiety follows her after the topic's already has been discussed. There was some tension between us and she told me that she's reluctant to have sex with me, which I found understandable and felt the same about her but besides that everything seemed fine. She admitted that she doesn't feel well psychically and it's like the whole year of her therapy went down the drain. This made me worried, I apologized for putting her in distress and said that I'm happy to help. I don't know when exactly, but she admitted a couple of times that even when she tries to reason with herself, emotionally nothing inside her changes. She still felt disappointed, upset and her body reacted somatically to stress, resulting in exhaustion. We watched a film together, played with her dog, cuddled a bit and when I asked her is anything is going to change between us - she replied that I have nothing to worry about.
Before all this drama happened we used to spend a few days in a row together from time to time so I suggested her to stay for one more day, till Tuesday morning. (Monday was a National Day). She said that after all that happened she has to spend some time alone but we can exchange messages, as always. I asked her to let me know when she gets home and she replied that she's glad that things are coming back to normal. To add to it, she wanted to go earlier because she thought I felt uneasy in her company, I explained that I find her presence comforting, I'm just worried about her emotional state and I feel powerless as the conflict is still unresolved.
The phone conversations weren't as natural as always, so I replied that I'll give her space. On the next day I just felt so tired with no progress as this whole argument lasted for two weeks already without any resolve and thought that maybe I could ease up her pain a little or that maybe she thought I'm ceasing all contact, so I called her in the evening and offered to meet and talk. She offered to meet the next day, I replied that I wish we could fix it as fast as possible so just let's meet now for a short time and she reluctantly agreed, as it was in the evening.
-----------
Really, I've never been anxious before in a relationship, yet her putting the blame solely on me, her firm stance that she did nothing wrong and the thought of her suffering made me feel extremely exhausted psychically. All I wanted was reassurance but she never really made me think that she acknowledged how I feel and the act of talking about my emotions made her feel uneasy and defensive, she kept suggesting that the way I feel is due to my imagination and I treated her like somebody who's as changeable as a weathercock when it came to her feelings.
----------------
We met, sat down and she lashed at me. I've never seen her like that before, she even didn't let me touch her. I don't remember the conversation fully but she said that I didn't respect her request to meet tomorrow when she would've been calmer, so here she is. I told her that hey, sorry, I didn't mean no harm, I assumed that by giving space she meant just Monday. She told me that's another thing I've made up in my head and that she never lied to me about her intentions and feelings towards me and feels hurt by all that drama I'm putting her through and I'm the one responsible for dealing with my own emotions. I replied that I try to keep my provision that I'm going to be absolutely honest and open about my own emotions and feelings, she said that it's up to me to resolve them and due to me being so volatile she doesn't know what to believe anymore, that I want to break up first, then I backtrack and say I didn't really mean it. That she started thinking that my behavior is an exit strategy on my part and I'm looking for a way out by creating conflict. That she opened up and I reacted with anger that she has to endure having an extreme amount of personal responsibilities right now on which her future depends and her priority is being self-sufficient. (Her father had the upper hand when it came to household finances)
That I made her feel bad during that situation with my friend after the wedding, but we weren't officially a couple after all so what's the fuss about. (Sidenote, she told me once that when we started to know each other she didn't want a fwb relationship, but told me otherwise. Well, we were joking about it pretty often. That she felt relieved that I asked to meet when she considered breaking contact after getting back from the UK as she was developing feelings and she didn't want that in the first place, as she told me.) She asked me what if I'm going to react so out of place and break up again in a couple of years? She said she doesn't feel secure anymore, she started having doubts and is considering breaking up and I should give her time. That was Tuesday.
What can I say, I'm only human, having feelings and emotions sometimes makes act without thinking.. Her behavior wasn't in line with my personal code of conduit and I didn't feel like I was treated as an equal partner. I have no problem meeting with exes, yet in other circumstances and without strong emotions still present. I felt disrespected and thought that my fears have been realized and I was right from the beginning. I wanted her to acknowledge it, yet she made me feel that's it's all my fault and it only made me irritated. She said she's not sorry for meeting with her ex as it resulted in them ceasing contact and that's she's not responsible for they way I feel. I explained that I felt hurt, not being reckoned with and I just wish she knew about it. She kept saying that there is nothing more to add to this situation and I already repeated myself 3 times and it seems we had conflicting opinions on this matter.
She cancelled our weekend trip with my military friends and went basically radio silent, sending a couple of messages every other day but it felt forced as none of us really wanted to keep the conversation going. I wanted to give her space as she had asked for it, yet after drinking a couple of beers I got pretty pissed and told myself that I shouldn't feel anxious in my own relationship and feel hesitant as to whether I should contact my SO when I'm feeling worried or down, so I asked her on Friday evening if I'm having a stroke or are we really going to break up. She responded that I must have had a stroke and I should've drank more water. One the next day I asked to meet her tomorrow, that is Sunday, so we could talk and not push the whole argument into its third week, she agreed. I asked her how does she feel, she replied that exactly the same as a week and two before and nothing changed and that she's sorry. My heart sank. Jesus, I drank 6 beers and read stoic philosophy to calm myself down in these 6 hours of travel.
I was surprised by my calmness during this whole meeting, just saying.
We finally met, I said that I am simply tired, because all of this blew out of proportion due to my only anxiety about our relationship. Also, I'm worried about her statement that she has doubts about us as it makes me feel uneasy. I reassured her that she can count on me to soothe her current emotional state, but in order to do so I need her will to do so, so we could cooperate and leave the past behind. That's all I'm asking for, her willingness to cooperate as a couple.
She told me that it is if a emotional wall encircled her and she feels uneasy around me and doesn't find my company pleasant anymore (Wow, just wow.) That she felt like an object when I told her that her ex could've checked if I'm okay with their meeting, that it's like I'm trying to control her and she doesn't trust me. That this is a really important time in her life as she just got another job and her security is crucial right now and she can't feel down anymore as it affects her work.
Well, I replied, the decision is up to you, my feelings were hurt, I've calmed myself down and I understand I might've overreacted, but it doesn't mean I don't want to be with you and talk everything through. She said that the week before she was close to getting to terms with all that happened but something inside her just snapped a couple of days ago and according to her there is no good solution. I suggested giving it time, as making such decisions in such an emotional state isn't the smartest thing to do. She said that she doesn't want to feel so bad any longer and after a couple of minutes sitting with watery eyes she said that she's sorry.
I told her that find it difficult to comprehend how 3 weeks ago you were on top of the world and considered moving in with me but after our first fight you just want to bail. It seems life can't be too good, she replied.
We hugged, she started crying, I thanked her for the best 6 months of my life, reassured her that no matter what happens she'll power through it and I believe in her. Added, that I thought we're going to make it but you have made your decision, so farewell.
End of story.
Eh, really, I still am in disbelief how such a great looking relationship where both of us had a blast, we got to know each others parents and closest friends, traveled abroad and went on various other trips could implode when a problem appeared. She told me that we get along so well that her friends joke that it's destiny. What can I say, words are cheap.
I tried communicating openly and was shocked by her lack of self awareness and the ability to twist everything in such a way so it seemed that was only my fault. Honestly, her stubbornness made me question my own behavior and sanity in the end. I have never been exposed to such behavior in my life before.
All my life I thought that being in a relationship means not only taking care of ourselves, but also checking on our partner and making sure he's happy. If he has a concern, we should've look for a solution together, as a team. She didn't even try to understand how I felt, downplayed it and treated me in such a way as I were attacking her. Her lack of remorse and thoughtfulness made be feel dumbfounded. Have I been toxic and controlling? I still firmly believe I wasn't treated right during our trip and the boundaries of a healthy relationship were disregarded and overstepped by my ex. I am open to critique and discussion.
I agree, I got mad, it happens, but as soon as I got my composure back i started to fix what I fucked up. I think I acted responsibly and in a mature way and I am proud of it.
I wished to form a secure relationship and I strongly believe that how I treat my partner is a reflection of myself. Never have I ever intentionally treated her badly or tried to hurt her in any way. I didn't even shout when we were arguing, I just raised my voice twice. Before our argument I always made sure that she felt safe and secure. She kept telling me we get along really well and she finally feels appreciated and treated as a woman and not just a friend in a relationship. Damn, what a ride.
