Useful example of push/pull dynamics and how to deal with it

I've heard several times this concept, but never went into hearing a full detailed example. This remind me soooo much of a fleeting relationship I had with a girl I met when I was world traveling. It was a 100% a trauma bond. I got addicted to her so quickly that I felt a lot of shame about it because usually it takes me a lot of time to me to build that bond, and felt needy and dependant (it was the first time I was experiencing the anxious role in a relationship, I had pretty much been in the avoidant side of the FA) She would tell me that I was an obssesive person and I would feel a lot more shame about it. It had never happened this fast to me before, as I had been running away since my first serious relationship so not really much room to let it happen. We ended up being just friends but finally went no contact cause she was constantly trying to manipulate me, and she has pretty much found her way to contact me no matter what. What used to happen is that I told her what she was trying to do, like stop trying to hook me again, stop trying to revive those feelings again... I was telling her exactly what she was doing and she wouldn't care at all and do it again!!! Don't remember to be that angry and rude to anyone since I was a teenager with high levels of testosterone. Anyway I let her be there, and I let her manipulate (at the begining) and let her try it again and again (during our "friendship"), I let that happen cause I KNEW what she was doing and still didn't have the confidence in myself and didn't trust my criteria to take a step back and block her. Am I being a bit paranoid and this is just happening in my mind? Type of thoughts or I would make excuses for her like she had such a terrible childhood... I was very curious about whether I was right about her or not so I was always trying to decifer who she really was. It was a mess.

Anyway, isn't any kind of insecure relationship a trauma bond? Just like anything else it is on a spectrum right?

That’s interesting. I’d say she’s 3/4 of the way there. Having been in both sides of this there’s a little more to it. As she says, just because there is something subconscious going on, it doesn’t give one the right to treat others badly. What a great place she ends up at.

Yes, I agree with you. I do think she missed off some of the intricacies in terms of what was most likely happening behind the scenes and what was driving that type of behaviour. But I also really liked where she ended up with it. It was a very clear message in terms of how to hold a boundary and why you need to do that. It was a lovely gentle validation and some useful encouragement towards AP-type responses to things... one I identified with... having awareness and communicating a boundary, but perhaps only going half way with it isn't enough. There needs to be confidence to figure out exactly what you want, what's good enough for you, and hold your boundary firm.

Although I do think she perhaps pushed a touch too far towards a restraining order for that particular example, when a hard boundary would probably do the job. But I know in some cases that might be appropriate.

Gosh, really? That sounds intense. No wonder you felt like you might need to protect yourself. That's really unstable and volatile behaviour that would make most of us feel very unsafe.

How did you handle it?

A wild ride, indeed. Blocking is a decisive way of dealing with it though. I hope she leaves you alone now.

There was a word in that video that struck me a lot... it's not love, it's 'consumption'. Eek. Consumption.

These strangely addictive relationships certainly do seem to have a very special cocktail of circumstances around them... like a little bit of limerence, some trauma bonding, a bit of abuse and manipulation mixed in there, definitely insecure attachment... the common story I seem to read about is when someone in their good moments offers the other person everything they could have dreamed of, and then suddenly all of it changes.
Perhaps that person represents needs that are deeply unmet, and the tease of having those needs being 'almost met' creates an attachment and illusion that is hard to let go of.

I"m glad to hear you're doing well - avoiding triggers isn't too terrible of an idea for at least parts of our lives!

The rest of her stuff is fascinating to say the least. I don’t agree with all of it, certainly that one can’t progress from insecure to secure. I’d hate to be written off forever. Look past that and the analysis is straightforward. Great find! Thankyou sunrisequest