Post by raspberrymaps on Sept 23, 2022 7:30:59 GMT
Here’s my story. Now that I relook over it I see many elements I didn’t understand at first, but I’ll try to tell it from the awareness I had at the time of the events. Short Version--a 2 year dating, 2 year living together, 1.5 more years married ends with him walking out and I haven’t seen/spoke to him since that day. It’s been over a year since then. I’d have said I’m pretty healed pretty solid again at my heading secure (from the avoidant side)--but ran anxious in those last few chaotic months of the marriage. But recent news of his engagement to a co-worker he started dating a week after he walked out on me has reopened some opportunities to heal further.
Long Verion
We met through a dating site--he was late 40’s with 2 kids, I was late 30’s with 2 younger kids (all ages were about 2 years apart). Hit it off, I love yours exchanged within 3 months, met kids within 4. He lived an hour away and I didn’t think I wanted that so I initiated a break-up convo within the first 6 months. He talked me out of my worries, which had included that I wanted to live where I was and he was really established where he was and I didn’t see a future between us with this, although I liked him very much. He said that although he wasn’t going to move anytime soon, he was totally open to that if this developed and please don’t let the location be the reason. I stayed. He did address my main fears pretty well.
Fast forward dating for 2 years and we moved into his place. We had agreed once his kids were old enough to drive to move to where I had been living. It was a mutually agreed upon arrangement with details of those convos omitted. But I was on board and did not feel pressured at all. He was very involved with wanting me to move in. Within a few months of living together he asked if we could see a therapist because he was having trouble communicating with me. I agreed although I was confused because up to then I had not realized that. Prior, he had told me that living with me and my two kids had adjusted his routines and we had worked out ways to provide him alone time. I also love alone time but I work from home 2-3 days a week so I get it a lot--ergo, why finding ways for him to get it was the discussion.All to say I thought we’d communicated pretty well when he had a need. ZBut it seems he had more inner turmoil than I realized/than he’s expressed. At the first therapy session he said he thought we needed to stop living together. This was incredibly painful for me and I had an outburst in the session crying. He further said I was too emotional and needy and he was exhausted. Meanwhile I’ve had a therapist (T) for years on my own well before I’d met him. I talked with my T about that couples session and what he had said. My T said that in the 5 years we’ve worked together he’d tagged me as an avoidant and never seen me as needy or emotional and that over those years he’d seen me move more secure but leaning avoidant. So my T opinion was maybe the bf was further along the spectrum and saw “small” emotional moments as much bigger--all relative. That was my first introduction to attachment styles as T had never told me that stuff before. T and I had many sessions from then forward more directly discussing the spectrum between avoidant and secure and we worked out ways for me to try to understand bf. After about 4 months bf and I were better and he was saying how good it all felt and he appreciated working together on the issue.
About 3 months after that bf proposed (now we’re about 3 years into the relationship). I asked why he wanted to get married (he’d said at first he didn’t want to marry again and I’d been fine with that and it hadn’t come up since). He said because he had faith we worked through issues together well and that had been his fear about marriage--having another one fail. Around this same time we were coming up on one last year of the agreement we’d had about moving eventually. He started to back out of that saying he was scared to move because he was worried how his son would take it. We discussed this for a few months and I shared my boundary: I understood his position but I couldn’t keep living in that town. If we couldn’t move, I couldn’t marry. (though delivered with more sensitivity my main issue was that I didn’t want to get married with this issue unresolved). I said it didn’t necessarily mean I was going to break up, but at the end of the agreed upon timeframe, if he couldn’t move with me, I was moving back, and I couldn’t get married and have us living in two separate towns. I didn’t want that. Furthermore, the decision needed to be made because a wedding date was 6 months away by that point and guests needed to know if this was on or off. He took a few months, and finally talked (reluctantly) with his son. It was a huge hurdle for him to openly discuss this with his kids. He learned they were excited about the move and his fears hadn’t been accurate. He had been avoiding that conversation because he said he didn't want conflict with his son or to learn his son would maybe want to live permanently with his mom (which is a fear I can understand as painful), but I was saying that unless he had that convo, everything was stuck.
And we did get married. We married a week before covid lockdown in 2020….so….we were about to have a very trying year ahead that did not help! We also moved back to my original town as we had initially agreed to do. So, new house, new marriage. And covid starts. During the first half of that year he was full of home improvement projects and remodeling and building a pool. But after about 6 months his distancing behaviors were off the charts. All manner of really inconsiderate things, mild and egregious. As usual, I say something when I see it if it rises high enough for me. And he was getting really irritated saying I criticized him too much. At this point we’re married so at that time I didn’t see breaking up as an option and I tried making things work by talking about stuff and/or giving him space (depending on the level of issue--ex he’s grumpy and untalkative--give space; he wants to take a weeklong mountain biking trip by himself (okay but not my ideal) but to do so sells the family car that seats us all so he an buy an offroad jeep (not ok)--needs a conversation because that was too far for me). He starts back again calling me needy and emotional.
Now it's April and it's a little over a year married. He says one day that he’s depressed because of covid and wants to work on getting more social, return to his office more, do activities in person more. We work out things he can do to help and ways I can support.
A few weeks later he tells me it's the marriage making him depressed. I ask what about it/me is the issue. He says he’s not sure. He tries to give a few examples but they’re confusing to me. He says that when we’re in a room together he just can’t stand it, that he gets really agitated--he can hear me breath and just my presence. We discuss it but I struggle to make sense. I ask to see a therapist together again and he agrees. In a therapy session he says I expect too much. I ask for a concrete example to help me. He says “OK like that time the other day where you were cooking and singing and then you looked at me paused your singing….and turned back to cooking/singing again--what did you expect from me? --did you want me to sing? To praise you? To do what?” I started crying in session because it was very hard for me to understand why such an episode meant he didn't want to be married. And he then immediately, in session, said I was crying to manipulate him and he just feels criticized all the time. It really baffled me and the therapist asked “OK, did you hear him" and I said yes and reiterated what he’s said and further shared that it hurt me because I’d just been singing and stopped to flirt a little and “make eyes”. In other sessions he said he just wanted life to feel like a vacation again. So we took some vacation in the coming weeks. He also said I criticized him too much but couldn’t articulate what I did that was a criticism so we started an intentional thing to share more positives with one another.
Around late June he said one night he didn’t think he could keep “doing this”. I asked what he meant and he wouldn’t say. I said OK, but a statement like that would need to be discussed soon because it's a big thing to drop on me and leave me hanging. I waited, checked in every few days to ask if he was ready to talk yet. He came to me one day crying saying he was sorry for how he’d been acting and he was having a really hard time and he was so sorry and was recommitted to us. That was early July. I had lost a lot of trust by this point and was happy to hear his words, but also somewhat wary. Next few weeks he was back to avoidance behaviors. Stuff like canceling our plans together mostly and being gone a lot. It still felt really tense. We had weekly check-ins and I thought we were having a hard time but going to make it. At the end of August one night we had a check in and I began the usual way where we shared what was going well. I listed things I was grateful for with him, happy about, etc. He said he had nothing he was happy with me about and unloaded a bunch of accusations that I was a mess, a burden, he always had to take care of my feelings, called me bipolar (which is incredibly false and weird because he has a close friend who is actually diagnosed bipolar and he knows what that truly looks like when unmanaged). I sat stunned. I asked how long he’d felt this way and he just started crying and talked a lot about stress he was under with work and his kids and didn’t mention us again. I said OK let’s focus on your needs for as long as needed to feel good again. We had a therapy session that Thursday at our usual time. He began that session saying he was in a black hole and felt I was too much of an emotional roller coaster for him. Shocking, but, yes, I cried. (I swear I didn’t cry in all sessions--I’m just sharing the ones that had been most painful--onres where he finally came out and said things he mostly kept inside). The session ended with a decision (that he and therapist worked out) that he would work on his depression and wait to make any relationship decisions until he felt he was past the depression. I sat silent through most of the session trying to not panic.
The next morning I found him crying when I returned from taking the kids to school. I ran over and held him while he sobbed. When he could talk he said he couldn’t do it any more. I asked if he meant divorce. He nodded--would not say it himself. I asked why. He said it was my ups and downs (which continue to confuse me as his reason). I was really stunned and had a hard time thinking straight and sat mostly silent. I eventually stood up and said I needed fresh air and was going to the back patio. He said he was going to work. That was the last I ever saw of him. Two days later he emailed a few sentences asking if I wanted lawyers or mediators for the divorce. I went into my own “cut off mode” and kept everything businesslike. I asked if he planned to return, what plan we would develop for telling the kids, and was he planning to say goodbye to my kids. (At this date his daughter was in college and his son was a week with his mom per their custody, but both my kids were home). He replied he’d be back to get stuff on days I was working at my office, but no he was not living there again. He’d already told his kids. And he’d say goodbye to my kids if I/they wanted it. And pretty much for the next few months he was cold cold cold--I won’t share all the details of his weird emails and behaviors as he moved out and such. I focused on my healing and my kids and my career. We shared many friends but most cut him off because he’d ghosted so hard and the other weird stuff he did. My friends knew I wasn’t interested in following his happenings so they didn’t tell me about his social media. Many had stopped following him, anyway, within a few weeks as his weird yet cold behaviors continued.
I have maintained a relationship with his kids and see them from time to time and we have text chats. He never did end up saying anything to mine again--we were just cut off spectacularly. I’ve always been pretty good at “turning it off” so I get the instinct somewhat but his level has been pretty painful to experience. We emailed through the fall last year settling the divorce and selling the house. I had to have contact with him in late spring to get tax documents that he had, but otherwise, no contact.
A year later (so this year late Augist/early Sept) a friend who was unaware that I did not want news of him, shared he had just announced an engagement and that this was the love of his life and the best year together with her. Hearing that reopened a lot for me as it had only been a year since he’d left me. A different friend then shared he’d started dating this person within a week of leaving me, it was his co-worker, who I knew. I did a ton of work last year resettling myself because no matter your attachment a divorce and a ghosted marriage is painful. This news came a few weeks ago and reopened some pain and I’d read this board before but never joined. Tonight I felt like joining and sharing. Although my T had said I was near the secure side of avoidant, a lot of those last few months with him pushed me towards anxiety as the marriage crumbled and I worried about my kids and life. Now looking back I see how at each new stage (moving in, engagement, then marriage) his avoidance kicked in hard.
There’s tons and tons of tiny stuff throughout the relationship I can look back on and see more clearly where I held some boundary, he stonewalled and/or called me emotional. I should have seen we were not compatible. My T had even warned me somewhat before we married, when I was holding the boundary of the move--he’d told me that if bf couldn’t agree to that boundary, to not marry him. And my T NEVER gives super concrete advice like that telling me what to do/not dot. I should have read more into that. He’s told me many times that it was unlikely he would change--he was really avoidant and to manage my expectations. I feel dumb sometimes for not having realized the degree of challenge it would become….and good grief…who could have known marriage year 1 was almost entirely covid lockdown. Though feeling some pain, I'm thankful to be free and wish his new fiancee the best of luck.
Long Verion
We met through a dating site--he was late 40’s with 2 kids, I was late 30’s with 2 younger kids (all ages were about 2 years apart). Hit it off, I love yours exchanged within 3 months, met kids within 4. He lived an hour away and I didn’t think I wanted that so I initiated a break-up convo within the first 6 months. He talked me out of my worries, which had included that I wanted to live where I was and he was really established where he was and I didn’t see a future between us with this, although I liked him very much. He said that although he wasn’t going to move anytime soon, he was totally open to that if this developed and please don’t let the location be the reason. I stayed. He did address my main fears pretty well.
Fast forward dating for 2 years and we moved into his place. We had agreed once his kids were old enough to drive to move to where I had been living. It was a mutually agreed upon arrangement with details of those convos omitted. But I was on board and did not feel pressured at all. He was very involved with wanting me to move in. Within a few months of living together he asked if we could see a therapist because he was having trouble communicating with me. I agreed although I was confused because up to then I had not realized that. Prior, he had told me that living with me and my two kids had adjusted his routines and we had worked out ways to provide him alone time. I also love alone time but I work from home 2-3 days a week so I get it a lot--ergo, why finding ways for him to get it was the discussion.All to say I thought we’d communicated pretty well when he had a need. ZBut it seems he had more inner turmoil than I realized/than he’s expressed. At the first therapy session he said he thought we needed to stop living together. This was incredibly painful for me and I had an outburst in the session crying. He further said I was too emotional and needy and he was exhausted. Meanwhile I’ve had a therapist (T) for years on my own well before I’d met him. I talked with my T about that couples session and what he had said. My T said that in the 5 years we’ve worked together he’d tagged me as an avoidant and never seen me as needy or emotional and that over those years he’d seen me move more secure but leaning avoidant. So my T opinion was maybe the bf was further along the spectrum and saw “small” emotional moments as much bigger--all relative. That was my first introduction to attachment styles as T had never told me that stuff before. T and I had many sessions from then forward more directly discussing the spectrum between avoidant and secure and we worked out ways for me to try to understand bf. After about 4 months bf and I were better and he was saying how good it all felt and he appreciated working together on the issue.
About 3 months after that bf proposed (now we’re about 3 years into the relationship). I asked why he wanted to get married (he’d said at first he didn’t want to marry again and I’d been fine with that and it hadn’t come up since). He said because he had faith we worked through issues together well and that had been his fear about marriage--having another one fail. Around this same time we were coming up on one last year of the agreement we’d had about moving eventually. He started to back out of that saying he was scared to move because he was worried how his son would take it. We discussed this for a few months and I shared my boundary: I understood his position but I couldn’t keep living in that town. If we couldn’t move, I couldn’t marry. (though delivered with more sensitivity my main issue was that I didn’t want to get married with this issue unresolved). I said it didn’t necessarily mean I was going to break up, but at the end of the agreed upon timeframe, if he couldn’t move with me, I was moving back, and I couldn’t get married and have us living in two separate towns. I didn’t want that. Furthermore, the decision needed to be made because a wedding date was 6 months away by that point and guests needed to know if this was on or off. He took a few months, and finally talked (reluctantly) with his son. It was a huge hurdle for him to openly discuss this with his kids. He learned they were excited about the move and his fears hadn’t been accurate. He had been avoiding that conversation because he said he didn't want conflict with his son or to learn his son would maybe want to live permanently with his mom (which is a fear I can understand as painful), but I was saying that unless he had that convo, everything was stuck.
And we did get married. We married a week before covid lockdown in 2020….so….we were about to have a very trying year ahead that did not help! We also moved back to my original town as we had initially agreed to do. So, new house, new marriage. And covid starts. During the first half of that year he was full of home improvement projects and remodeling and building a pool. But after about 6 months his distancing behaviors were off the charts. All manner of really inconsiderate things, mild and egregious. As usual, I say something when I see it if it rises high enough for me. And he was getting really irritated saying I criticized him too much. At this point we’re married so at that time I didn’t see breaking up as an option and I tried making things work by talking about stuff and/or giving him space (depending on the level of issue--ex he’s grumpy and untalkative--give space; he wants to take a weeklong mountain biking trip by himself (okay but not my ideal) but to do so sells the family car that seats us all so he an buy an offroad jeep (not ok)--needs a conversation because that was too far for me). He starts back again calling me needy and emotional.
Now it's April and it's a little over a year married. He says one day that he’s depressed because of covid and wants to work on getting more social, return to his office more, do activities in person more. We work out things he can do to help and ways I can support.
A few weeks later he tells me it's the marriage making him depressed. I ask what about it/me is the issue. He says he’s not sure. He tries to give a few examples but they’re confusing to me. He says that when we’re in a room together he just can’t stand it, that he gets really agitated--he can hear me breath and just my presence. We discuss it but I struggle to make sense. I ask to see a therapist together again and he agrees. In a therapy session he says I expect too much. I ask for a concrete example to help me. He says “OK like that time the other day where you were cooking and singing and then you looked at me paused your singing….and turned back to cooking/singing again--what did you expect from me? --did you want me to sing? To praise you? To do what?” I started crying in session because it was very hard for me to understand why such an episode meant he didn't want to be married. And he then immediately, in session, said I was crying to manipulate him and he just feels criticized all the time. It really baffled me and the therapist asked “OK, did you hear him" and I said yes and reiterated what he’s said and further shared that it hurt me because I’d just been singing and stopped to flirt a little and “make eyes”. In other sessions he said he just wanted life to feel like a vacation again. So we took some vacation in the coming weeks. He also said I criticized him too much but couldn’t articulate what I did that was a criticism so we started an intentional thing to share more positives with one another.
Around late June he said one night he didn’t think he could keep “doing this”. I asked what he meant and he wouldn’t say. I said OK, but a statement like that would need to be discussed soon because it's a big thing to drop on me and leave me hanging. I waited, checked in every few days to ask if he was ready to talk yet. He came to me one day crying saying he was sorry for how he’d been acting and he was having a really hard time and he was so sorry and was recommitted to us. That was early July. I had lost a lot of trust by this point and was happy to hear his words, but also somewhat wary. Next few weeks he was back to avoidance behaviors. Stuff like canceling our plans together mostly and being gone a lot. It still felt really tense. We had weekly check-ins and I thought we were having a hard time but going to make it. At the end of August one night we had a check in and I began the usual way where we shared what was going well. I listed things I was grateful for with him, happy about, etc. He said he had nothing he was happy with me about and unloaded a bunch of accusations that I was a mess, a burden, he always had to take care of my feelings, called me bipolar (which is incredibly false and weird because he has a close friend who is actually diagnosed bipolar and he knows what that truly looks like when unmanaged). I sat stunned. I asked how long he’d felt this way and he just started crying and talked a lot about stress he was under with work and his kids and didn’t mention us again. I said OK let’s focus on your needs for as long as needed to feel good again. We had a therapy session that Thursday at our usual time. He began that session saying he was in a black hole and felt I was too much of an emotional roller coaster for him. Shocking, but, yes, I cried. (I swear I didn’t cry in all sessions--I’m just sharing the ones that had been most painful--onres where he finally came out and said things he mostly kept inside). The session ended with a decision (that he and therapist worked out) that he would work on his depression and wait to make any relationship decisions until he felt he was past the depression. I sat silent through most of the session trying to not panic.
The next morning I found him crying when I returned from taking the kids to school. I ran over and held him while he sobbed. When he could talk he said he couldn’t do it any more. I asked if he meant divorce. He nodded--would not say it himself. I asked why. He said it was my ups and downs (which continue to confuse me as his reason). I was really stunned and had a hard time thinking straight and sat mostly silent. I eventually stood up and said I needed fresh air and was going to the back patio. He said he was going to work. That was the last I ever saw of him. Two days later he emailed a few sentences asking if I wanted lawyers or mediators for the divorce. I went into my own “cut off mode” and kept everything businesslike. I asked if he planned to return, what plan we would develop for telling the kids, and was he planning to say goodbye to my kids. (At this date his daughter was in college and his son was a week with his mom per their custody, but both my kids were home). He replied he’d be back to get stuff on days I was working at my office, but no he was not living there again. He’d already told his kids. And he’d say goodbye to my kids if I/they wanted it. And pretty much for the next few months he was cold cold cold--I won’t share all the details of his weird emails and behaviors as he moved out and such. I focused on my healing and my kids and my career. We shared many friends but most cut him off because he’d ghosted so hard and the other weird stuff he did. My friends knew I wasn’t interested in following his happenings so they didn’t tell me about his social media. Many had stopped following him, anyway, within a few weeks as his weird yet cold behaviors continued.
I have maintained a relationship with his kids and see them from time to time and we have text chats. He never did end up saying anything to mine again--we were just cut off spectacularly. I’ve always been pretty good at “turning it off” so I get the instinct somewhat but his level has been pretty painful to experience. We emailed through the fall last year settling the divorce and selling the house. I had to have contact with him in late spring to get tax documents that he had, but otherwise, no contact.
A year later (so this year late Augist/early Sept) a friend who was unaware that I did not want news of him, shared he had just announced an engagement and that this was the love of his life and the best year together with her. Hearing that reopened a lot for me as it had only been a year since he’d left me. A different friend then shared he’d started dating this person within a week of leaving me, it was his co-worker, who I knew. I did a ton of work last year resettling myself because no matter your attachment a divorce and a ghosted marriage is painful. This news came a few weeks ago and reopened some pain and I’d read this board before but never joined. Tonight I felt like joining and sharing. Although my T had said I was near the secure side of avoidant, a lot of those last few months with him pushed me towards anxiety as the marriage crumbled and I worried about my kids and life. Now looking back I see how at each new stage (moving in, engagement, then marriage) his avoidance kicked in hard.
There’s tons and tons of tiny stuff throughout the relationship I can look back on and see more clearly where I held some boundary, he stonewalled and/or called me emotional. I should have seen we were not compatible. My T had even warned me somewhat before we married, when I was holding the boundary of the move--he’d told me that if bf couldn’t agree to that boundary, to not marry him. And my T NEVER gives super concrete advice like that telling me what to do/not dot. I should have read more into that. He’s told me many times that it was unlikely he would change--he was really avoidant and to manage my expectations. I feel dumb sometimes for not having realized the degree of challenge it would become….and good grief…who could have known marriage year 1 was almost entirely covid lockdown. Though feeling some pain, I'm thankful to be free and wish his new fiancee the best of luck.
