Post by bigpotatoes on Oct 2, 2022 3:47:05 GMT
Hi there. Found this forum as I’ve been doing research into attachment styles while trying to make sense of my recent breakup. I was left devastated and confused as he had been so hot and cold throughout the actual dumping. I believe he is Fearful Avoidant but I’d appreciate some insight. Historically I’ve been very Anxious but have become more Secure in the past two years. Sorry for the wall of text.
For context, my ex and I dated around 9 months. We were both going through some very rough times when we got together and did not expect it to turn into an actual relationship. We’ve know each other for a few years but were acquaintances at best. When we hooked up I had just had a major death in the family and he had just gotten out of a 5 year relationship. I didn’t think it was possible to feel vulnerable at that time in my life but I fell hard.
When we got together my ex told me several things about the breakup. He said they had been very codependent, spent all of their time together, and that his entire identity revolves around her. Over time I was able to piece together a bigger picture of their relationship and I don’t think it was that good. They started dating in early high school and he was a year older than her. They were attached at the hip. He went to college in the same city as their high school (very normal for my state but important to note) and had picked Chemistry as his major. The next year when she got to college she did Music Performance and he changed his major to the same thing. Since he switched his major he was now at the same level as her. They had the same classes, played in the same bands, and he said they were constantly competing against each other. They did the same extracurriculars, spent all their free time together, worked at the same part time jobs, had the same career aspirations, had the same friends, lived together etc. Their lives were almost entirely intertwined. He would say things like ‘they were the same person’ and that ‘she was so easy to talk to’ but also tell me about how he told me some things that he had never told anyone. Then something switched and things got extremely bad. He didn’t give me a lot of details other than their last year together was awful and he didn’t want to go back. He told me it was mutual but he still felt incredibly guilty for hurting her. The only thing I really know from mutual friends is that they were having public screaming matches by the end.
I was hesitant to date him because of this but because he was so insistent that he did not want to go back that I blew past this red flag. I was very open to taking things slow as I was also an emotional wreck. We saw each other for the first time in about a year at a Halloween party, only a few weeks after they had broken up. We hung out each week with mutual friends once a week until he asked me out a month later. We started hooking up in the beginning of December. He bought me a very thoughtful gift for my birthday at this time. After several months of dating he asked me to be his girlfriend in February. We never had week long sleepovers or waxed poetic about the future; seeing each other a few times a week and texting sporadically throughout the days. I felt very comfortable going this pace and felt like he was working on himself because we were taking it slow. I understood that he was still working through emotions from the past relationship but felt like he was more open to trying something with me.
Two months later we went out with some friends. I got very triggered due to something fairly innocuous due to dealing with my parent’s death. I spiraled and essentially shut down and was unable to speak. My ex had to remove me from the situation and it took me awhile to calm down. He was trying really hard to get me to talk and was very sweet dealing with me in this state. I was only able to talk a few hours later when we were back at his house. I tried to have a discussion with him but it ended up spiraling into him wanting to end things. I was so upset but didn’t act out. I tried to talk things through with him but he wouldn’t budge. Once I felt like things were going nowhere I tried to leave. Suddenly he was begging me to stay. Trying to hold my hand and cuddle me. I kept pulling away and he would get more upset. I would try to leave, he’d ask me to stay, I’d try and talk things through more and he would shut things down again. He at one point asked me if I was falling in love with him and I said yes. He said he was scared because he felt like we were moving at different paces. Eventually he asked me to give him more time to think and I agreed, but that I had to consider us broken up in the meantime. He was upset by this but agreed.
About 5 days later he contacted me and asked to talk. I went over to his house again and he said he was sorry and that his decision was final. That he was scared because “I was someone he could see himself fall in love with” and that he wasn’t ready. I was upset again and tired to leave but he asked me to stay. I relented and we ended up having a four hour conversation. We were very open and honest with each other in a way we hadn’t been before. I told him that I liked him a lot and that I was aware that he was working through things but that I wanted to try and make things work. That I felt he was special and that even though the timing was terrible I liked him enough to try and make things work. He agreed and we said we’d take things slow.
At the end of that week I went to a performance he was doing for his major. I asked him if he felt comfortable having me there and he said he did. It was something very important for him graduating so I wanted to be there. This was the first time I met his family. I was super nervous but was hoping to politely greet them and then go home once everything was over. They asked me out to dinner and I felt like I had to go. They were very nice and we vines quite well but I was nervous as it definitely didn’t feel slow. We got dropped off by his parents because he was a bit tipsy and tried to give me a hug and a kiss but I stopped him. We went to a bar by ourselves and just talked for hours. It felt so good seeing him vulnerable like that. At the end of the night I dropped him off and had to leave so no mistakes were made.
We took things slowly for another month without any real physical contact and things got better. We got back into a normal swing of things and I felt amazing with him. Throughout the summer we saw each other very consistently and he was incredibly supportive of my mental health issues. We had regular couples fun but he did a lot of things for me that I think someone who wasn’t emotionally attached wouldn’t do. I had some mental health scares that he held me through, listened to me vent about my parent’s death, helped me out with household things when I was down, and was very worried about me during a hospital stay. It felt like he got closer and closer whenever I was struggling. But whenever I would try and reciprocate he would pull away again. He would allude to not feeling all that great or having bad mental health days and I would always offer to talk but he would turn me down. I wouldn’t push it past the initial ask. At one point he told me he was trying to overthink less so I backed off.
One of the things we would go back on forth on was saying ‘I love you’. When he first got worried about it I was not ready to say it, but as things progressed I was feeling more and more open. He was not. We would have discussions and he would say he felt so confused about me because he felt like he had those feelings for me but he was scared to say ‘I love you’. He was terrified because he ‘couldn’t take it back’. He was also scared because he felt like something was wrong with the relationship because he was nervous to tell me this. He had told his ex very early on but chalked that up to being 16. I was worried but willing to give him more time as I felt like his actions were more important than words. What really freaked me out is I felt like it was less that he didn’t have feelings but was going to psyche himself out instead. There were a few times where he got vulnerable though. He was sometimes say it scared him how well I could
‘Read’ him.
About a month and a half ago he transitioned from his day job to doing student teaching for his last semester of college. Due to his major’s program being a mess more people who go through it take about 7 years to graduate. He has been in it so long and he is nervous to transition to ‘adulthood’. This is also the same profession his previous girlfriend is doing. I started to feel him pull away once school started. He would still talk but it would take longer and longer into us hanging out for his walls to come down. I tired my best to give him space but had to pull him aside one night and have a conversation. It was essentially the same old issues and ended up with ‘I’m scared as to why I can’t say I love you but I want to see where this goes’. I didn’t really feel better.
We went out to dinner after work one night and while it started up distant slowly he was warming up to me. We had a nice conversation taking Abuja our days and work and he even pranked me at one point. We were having a really nice time and laughing quite a bit. I felt very happy. I had to ask him something and that’s when things spiraled. We had wanted to plan a trip during the fall, just something easy, as a way to move the relationship forward without a huge commitment. He had started out enthused but every time I asked him about he would either dismiss trying to concretely plan to flip flopping on whether or not we go with friends doing a trip or going on one by ourselves. That night I realized that we were only 3 weeks out from the plans and I told him I needed a straight answer. He flat out told me he couldn’t do anything at all and I should go with the friends by myself. I got very upset by this and he got really defensive. I had told him at the beginning that if he felt uncomfortable he would tell me sooner rather than later instead of breadcrumbing me. He tried to apologize but he could tell I wanted to talk about it more. We left the restaurant and found a spot to talk.
While we were walking he started joking with me and flirting again. I reciprocated even though I was upset and we were giggling a lot. Once we found a spot we joked around for a bit until going back to the conversation. He got upset because he felt like I was mad at him for not having the money to do a trip. I was actually upset because instead of giving me a straight answer he was super wishy washy and told me no at the last minute. I think the fact that I did not relent after the first apology is what triggered him. Eventually I asked if it was really about the money or if he was just avoiding me. At first he replied with a very firm ‘No’, but thought about it for a little bit more and admitted he was. There was a lot of silence throughout the next series of questions. I asked him how he felt about me and he said “I think you’re an amazing and special person. I love being around you. I love being with you. I love it when we draw and cook together and I love making you laugh. But I just can’t fall in love with you”. I asked him why he thought that was. He thought about it for awhile and then told me he wasn’t over his ex. I was upset but I had had a feeling. I tried to go into defense mode and convince him otherwise but quickly gave up. I asked him what he needed from me, and he told me that he needed to be alone. After this we barely talked. I did not cry as I was in shock and was trying not to puke in public. Then the same patterns from the first breakup happened again. I would tell him I needed to leave, he would ask me to stay, but talking through things didn’t help. He tried to hold my hand and stroke my knee but I wouldn’t let him. Eventually he sat next to me so our shoulders were touching. I tried to leave multiple times but he would either ask me not to or shake his head no. Finally I physically stood up and told him I was going to my car. He insisted on walking me but I don’t him I’d rather he didn’t. He did it anyways. Once we got to my car we stared at each other again. I felt like he wanted me to say something but I didn’t want to create a pattern out of me begging him not to do this. I asked him if he has used me to get over her and he said “You know that’s not true”. He asked me if I hated him and I told him no. The last thing I said to him was that this all felt wrong to me. He responded “probably” and I asked why he would do it then. He told me that whole it felt wrong it didn’t feel right either. That was my breaking point and I finally drove away. He leaned on his car and watched me.
It’s been 10 days since then and we have not interacted at all. Neither of us really post on social media so I have no idea what he’s doing. We are in a group chat together with some friends but it doesn’t say he’s gone in and read the messages. Every day feels like torture as I felt like he was an amazing partner to be with when he was calm. I loved him so much and felt like we could have built a really great future. I’m frustrated because I feel like he broke up with me on impulse instead of actually allowing the relationship to grow into something and objectively looking at whether we should be together from that point. I miss him so much but I refuse to reach out now because 1. He made his bed and has to lie in it and 2. If I try and reconnect now I will only push him away further. Our breakup was tense and I was upset but it was also very quiet. I did not raise my voice and have a breakdown either time, nor did I say anything hurtful to him. I want to do a full radio silence NC and then reach out in a few weeks as I feel like he’s too ashamed to every initiate with me again. I was worried he was going back to his ex but she has a new boyfriend and is apparently very happy. I am very worried he will rebound with some of the girls at his other job as a lot of them are very cute hostesses. (Unfortunately my coworkers are not as cute lol)
Is this salvageable? Am I reading too much into this and maybe he just doesn’t like me? If he’s willing to reconnect is it even worth it? Did I do anything wrong? Should I have done something else? I’m starting to worry that because I pushed him away it’s all ruined. Any insight would be really appreciated.
For context, my ex and I dated around 9 months. We were both going through some very rough times when we got together and did not expect it to turn into an actual relationship. We’ve know each other for a few years but were acquaintances at best. When we hooked up I had just had a major death in the family and he had just gotten out of a 5 year relationship. I didn’t think it was possible to feel vulnerable at that time in my life but I fell hard.
When we got together my ex told me several things about the breakup. He said they had been very codependent, spent all of their time together, and that his entire identity revolves around her. Over time I was able to piece together a bigger picture of their relationship and I don’t think it was that good. They started dating in early high school and he was a year older than her. They were attached at the hip. He went to college in the same city as their high school (very normal for my state but important to note) and had picked Chemistry as his major. The next year when she got to college she did Music Performance and he changed his major to the same thing. Since he switched his major he was now at the same level as her. They had the same classes, played in the same bands, and he said they were constantly competing against each other. They did the same extracurriculars, spent all their free time together, worked at the same part time jobs, had the same career aspirations, had the same friends, lived together etc. Their lives were almost entirely intertwined. He would say things like ‘they were the same person’ and that ‘she was so easy to talk to’ but also tell me about how he told me some things that he had never told anyone. Then something switched and things got extremely bad. He didn’t give me a lot of details other than their last year together was awful and he didn’t want to go back. He told me it was mutual but he still felt incredibly guilty for hurting her. The only thing I really know from mutual friends is that they were having public screaming matches by the end.
I was hesitant to date him because of this but because he was so insistent that he did not want to go back that I blew past this red flag. I was very open to taking things slow as I was also an emotional wreck. We saw each other for the first time in about a year at a Halloween party, only a few weeks after they had broken up. We hung out each week with mutual friends once a week until he asked me out a month later. We started hooking up in the beginning of December. He bought me a very thoughtful gift for my birthday at this time. After several months of dating he asked me to be his girlfriend in February. We never had week long sleepovers or waxed poetic about the future; seeing each other a few times a week and texting sporadically throughout the days. I felt very comfortable going this pace and felt like he was working on himself because we were taking it slow. I understood that he was still working through emotions from the past relationship but felt like he was more open to trying something with me.
Two months later we went out with some friends. I got very triggered due to something fairly innocuous due to dealing with my parent’s death. I spiraled and essentially shut down and was unable to speak. My ex had to remove me from the situation and it took me awhile to calm down. He was trying really hard to get me to talk and was very sweet dealing with me in this state. I was only able to talk a few hours later when we were back at his house. I tried to have a discussion with him but it ended up spiraling into him wanting to end things. I was so upset but didn’t act out. I tried to talk things through with him but he wouldn’t budge. Once I felt like things were going nowhere I tried to leave. Suddenly he was begging me to stay. Trying to hold my hand and cuddle me. I kept pulling away and he would get more upset. I would try to leave, he’d ask me to stay, I’d try and talk things through more and he would shut things down again. He at one point asked me if I was falling in love with him and I said yes. He said he was scared because he felt like we were moving at different paces. Eventually he asked me to give him more time to think and I agreed, but that I had to consider us broken up in the meantime. He was upset by this but agreed.
About 5 days later he contacted me and asked to talk. I went over to his house again and he said he was sorry and that his decision was final. That he was scared because “I was someone he could see himself fall in love with” and that he wasn’t ready. I was upset again and tired to leave but he asked me to stay. I relented and we ended up having a four hour conversation. We were very open and honest with each other in a way we hadn’t been before. I told him that I liked him a lot and that I was aware that he was working through things but that I wanted to try and make things work. That I felt he was special and that even though the timing was terrible I liked him enough to try and make things work. He agreed and we said we’d take things slow.
At the end of that week I went to a performance he was doing for his major. I asked him if he felt comfortable having me there and he said he did. It was something very important for him graduating so I wanted to be there. This was the first time I met his family. I was super nervous but was hoping to politely greet them and then go home once everything was over. They asked me out to dinner and I felt like I had to go. They were very nice and we vines quite well but I was nervous as it definitely didn’t feel slow. We got dropped off by his parents because he was a bit tipsy and tried to give me a hug and a kiss but I stopped him. We went to a bar by ourselves and just talked for hours. It felt so good seeing him vulnerable like that. At the end of the night I dropped him off and had to leave so no mistakes were made.
We took things slowly for another month without any real physical contact and things got better. We got back into a normal swing of things and I felt amazing with him. Throughout the summer we saw each other very consistently and he was incredibly supportive of my mental health issues. We had regular couples fun but he did a lot of things for me that I think someone who wasn’t emotionally attached wouldn’t do. I had some mental health scares that he held me through, listened to me vent about my parent’s death, helped me out with household things when I was down, and was very worried about me during a hospital stay. It felt like he got closer and closer whenever I was struggling. But whenever I would try and reciprocate he would pull away again. He would allude to not feeling all that great or having bad mental health days and I would always offer to talk but he would turn me down. I wouldn’t push it past the initial ask. At one point he told me he was trying to overthink less so I backed off.
One of the things we would go back on forth on was saying ‘I love you’. When he first got worried about it I was not ready to say it, but as things progressed I was feeling more and more open. He was not. We would have discussions and he would say he felt so confused about me because he felt like he had those feelings for me but he was scared to say ‘I love you’. He was terrified because he ‘couldn’t take it back’. He was also scared because he felt like something was wrong with the relationship because he was nervous to tell me this. He had told his ex very early on but chalked that up to being 16. I was worried but willing to give him more time as I felt like his actions were more important than words. What really freaked me out is I felt like it was less that he didn’t have feelings but was going to psyche himself out instead. There were a few times where he got vulnerable though. He was sometimes say it scared him how well I could
‘Read’ him.
About a month and a half ago he transitioned from his day job to doing student teaching for his last semester of college. Due to his major’s program being a mess more people who go through it take about 7 years to graduate. He has been in it so long and he is nervous to transition to ‘adulthood’. This is also the same profession his previous girlfriend is doing. I started to feel him pull away once school started. He would still talk but it would take longer and longer into us hanging out for his walls to come down. I tired my best to give him space but had to pull him aside one night and have a conversation. It was essentially the same old issues and ended up with ‘I’m scared as to why I can’t say I love you but I want to see where this goes’. I didn’t really feel better.
We went out to dinner after work one night and while it started up distant slowly he was warming up to me. We had a nice conversation taking Abuja our days and work and he even pranked me at one point. We were having a really nice time and laughing quite a bit. I felt very happy. I had to ask him something and that’s when things spiraled. We had wanted to plan a trip during the fall, just something easy, as a way to move the relationship forward without a huge commitment. He had started out enthused but every time I asked him about he would either dismiss trying to concretely plan to flip flopping on whether or not we go with friends doing a trip or going on one by ourselves. That night I realized that we were only 3 weeks out from the plans and I told him I needed a straight answer. He flat out told me he couldn’t do anything at all and I should go with the friends by myself. I got very upset by this and he got really defensive. I had told him at the beginning that if he felt uncomfortable he would tell me sooner rather than later instead of breadcrumbing me. He tried to apologize but he could tell I wanted to talk about it more. We left the restaurant and found a spot to talk.
While we were walking he started joking with me and flirting again. I reciprocated even though I was upset and we were giggling a lot. Once we found a spot we joked around for a bit until going back to the conversation. He got upset because he felt like I was mad at him for not having the money to do a trip. I was actually upset because instead of giving me a straight answer he was super wishy washy and told me no at the last minute. I think the fact that I did not relent after the first apology is what triggered him. Eventually I asked if it was really about the money or if he was just avoiding me. At first he replied with a very firm ‘No’, but thought about it for a little bit more and admitted he was. There was a lot of silence throughout the next series of questions. I asked him how he felt about me and he said “I think you’re an amazing and special person. I love being around you. I love being with you. I love it when we draw and cook together and I love making you laugh. But I just can’t fall in love with you”. I asked him why he thought that was. He thought about it for awhile and then told me he wasn’t over his ex. I was upset but I had had a feeling. I tried to go into defense mode and convince him otherwise but quickly gave up. I asked him what he needed from me, and he told me that he needed to be alone. After this we barely talked. I did not cry as I was in shock and was trying not to puke in public. Then the same patterns from the first breakup happened again. I would tell him I needed to leave, he would ask me to stay, but talking through things didn’t help. He tried to hold my hand and stroke my knee but I wouldn’t let him. Eventually he sat next to me so our shoulders were touching. I tried to leave multiple times but he would either ask me not to or shake his head no. Finally I physically stood up and told him I was going to my car. He insisted on walking me but I don’t him I’d rather he didn’t. He did it anyways. Once we got to my car we stared at each other again. I felt like he wanted me to say something but I didn’t want to create a pattern out of me begging him not to do this. I asked him if he has used me to get over her and he said “You know that’s not true”. He asked me if I hated him and I told him no. The last thing I said to him was that this all felt wrong to me. He responded “probably” and I asked why he would do it then. He told me that whole it felt wrong it didn’t feel right either. That was my breaking point and I finally drove away. He leaned on his car and watched me.
It’s been 10 days since then and we have not interacted at all. Neither of us really post on social media so I have no idea what he’s doing. We are in a group chat together with some friends but it doesn’t say he’s gone in and read the messages. Every day feels like torture as I felt like he was an amazing partner to be with when he was calm. I loved him so much and felt like we could have built a really great future. I’m frustrated because I feel like he broke up with me on impulse instead of actually allowing the relationship to grow into something and objectively looking at whether we should be together from that point. I miss him so much but I refuse to reach out now because 1. He made his bed and has to lie in it and 2. If I try and reconnect now I will only push him away further. Our breakup was tense and I was upset but it was also very quiet. I did not raise my voice and have a breakdown either time, nor did I say anything hurtful to him. I want to do a full radio silence NC and then reach out in a few weeks as I feel like he’s too ashamed to every initiate with me again. I was worried he was going back to his ex but she has a new boyfriend and is apparently very happy. I am very worried he will rebound with some of the girls at his other job as a lot of them are very cute hostesses. (Unfortunately my coworkers are not as cute lol)
Is this salvageable? Am I reading too much into this and maybe he just doesn’t like me? If he’s willing to reconnect is it even worth it? Did I do anything wrong? Should I have done something else? I’m starting to worry that because I pushed him away it’s all ruined. Any insight would be really appreciated.
