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Post by mjsmomma on Oct 4, 2022 7:48:12 GMT
Almost 3 weeks ago my very loving and attentive boyfriend dumped me. I know that I am an anxious, but when I asked to meet him and to talk about his needs I never perceived him to take this and run. We were in the relationship for 18 months, the last four months living with me and my son. He admitted and it is quite obvious that he has OCD. He works six days a week 12 hours a day. The break up really was precipitated because for the last six weeks I personally have been struggling in so many ways. I was emotional because I started a new job, both my parents were hospitalized, trying to work and be a single mom, well he had a severe case of Covid and I took care of him. During this break up I learned so much about being a fearful avoidant. I always felt and perceived his issues to be from severe childhood trauma. I also noted that he had severe long-term relationships. One relationship was 11 years and one was six years. Both of those relationships resulted in long term friendships, and one of those women who has since married actually goes on vacation with him. Not gonna lie it was a struggle to imagine this woman gets to go away with him and by the way I’ve never met her. Here’s the part that I don’t understand the break up was caused because I had no idea that he was an FA. He said we would work on the work and meet up but he didn’t meet both times and after 9 days dumped me.
After five days of no contact I reached out because I thought it was unfair he never got a chance to at least let me say thank you for the beautiful relationship. When I did he seemed relieved even responded back ASAP stating I have nothing but love for you and wanting yo reconnect to start a new relationship. When he broke up with me he did say he wanted to be friends, which he knows actually I never wanted I mean sure I want to be his best friend but really I wanted to be his life partner. I thanked him for the space and said I need to work on me. But the thing is we keep texting each other, fun little articles or memes. Then As I worked on me I owned my part of the relationship and asked for forgiveness for not being self aware. He texted me immediately and told me again all he had was love for me, I was amazing to him, that the break up was unfortunate and unfair he never said for him, and then he asked to take me for a walk talk and eat because he wanted to explain things. I’m not really interested in being friend zoned. I would reconcile if we both work on the work. He actually gave me a date and time to meet up. I validated it and agreed but now I’m concerned as to what it all means. I know that I can’t get in someone’s mind nor should I try, but typically wouldn’t you somewhat say what you want?
I know you can’t get into his mind. But what do you guys think come?
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 4, 2022 10:51:05 GMT
Almost 3 weeks ago my very loving and attentive boyfriend dumped me. I know that I am an anxious, but when I asked to meet him and to talk about his needs I never perceived him to take this and run. We were in the relationship for 18 months, the last four months living with me and my son. He admitted and it is quite obvious that he has OCD. He works six days a week 12 hours a day. The break up really was precipitated because for the last six weeks I personally have been struggling in so many ways. I was emotional because I started a new job, both my parents were hospitalized, trying to work and be a single mom, well he had a severe case of Covid and I took care of him. During this break up I learned so much about being a fearful avoidant. I always felt and perceived his issues to be from severe childhood trauma. I also noted that he had severe long-term relationships. One relationship was 11 years and one was six years. Both of those relationships resulted in long term friendships, and one of those women who has since married actually goes on vacation with him. Not gonna lie it was a struggle to imagine this woman gets to go away with him and by the way I’ve never met her. Here’s the part that I don’t understand the break up was caused because I had no idea that he was an FA. He said we would work on the work and meet up but he didn’t meet both times and after 9 days dumped me. After five days of no contact I reached out because I thought it was unfair he never got a chance to at least let me say thank you for the beautiful relationship. When I did he seemed relieved even responded back ASAP stating I have nothing but love for you and wanting yo reconnect to start a new relationship. When he broke up with me he did say he wanted to be friends, which he knows actually I never wanted I mean sure I want to be his best friend but really I wanted to be his life partner. I thanked him for the space and said I need to work on me. But the thing is we keep texting each other, fun little articles or memes. Then As I worked on me I owned my part of the relationship and asked for forgiveness for not being self aware. He texted me immediately and told me again all he had was love for me, I was amazing to him, that the break up was unfortunate and unfair he never said for him, and then he asked to take me for a walk talk and eat because he wanted to explain things. I’m not really interested in being friend zoned. I would reconcile if we both work on the work. He actually gave me a date and time to meet up. I validated it and agreed but now I’m concerned as to what it all means. I know that I can’t get in someone’s mind nor should I try, but typically wouldn’t you somewhat say what you want? I know you can’t get into his mind. But what do you guys think come? Hi and welcome. You are right, none of us can read his mind. At this point, I would take him at his word…he wants to walk, talk and have a meal where he explains things from his side. Given all the good things he has said about you, I don’t think he is going to say anything mean…however, my question is…Are you in a place where you can see him and be open to the fact that he may not want to work on reconciliation but simply wants to remain friends? If that is not going to be ok…and I completely understand if it isn’t….then I would politely write back that you need more time. I would actually recommend going one step further and stop communicating with him until you can view him as simply a friend. I know all the cute articles and memes can come across as progress…but the reality is that they are simply ways to stay connected. The last guy I dated broke up with me after 10 months of dating and he wanted to be friends. I agreed hoping that in the process of being “friends” we would rekindle the relationship. What actually happened was a year of me misinterpreting his friendly texts and once a month pizza get together as something they were not and it delayed my healing. I mention the above because I know what it is like to have hope that if only I work on myself, then the relationship can start afresh. The thing is, and what I had failed to appreciate, is how we truly were incompatible when it came down to the things I needed in a partner. Perhaps the break up is showing that to you…that he isn’t the right partner for you. |
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Post by mjsmomma on Oct 4, 2022 11:33:36 GMT
Thanks for your thoughts. When we broke up, he never told me why but wants to explain now. It is confusing to say the least. I did send him this text “ Good morning ☀️ I feel as I work on me jt important to be present. I too feel it was unfortunate and unfair. Keeping the lines of communication open are valued. My Yoda text sang in my heart because I feel it is important you know I see all your efforts in communicating your feelings needs wants. I am honored you trust me with your heart and you need to know that is mutual. I feel safe with you and hope you can see that for yourself within me. I wish blue skies, warm sun and good vibes for you always ❤️” He responded with saying It is sweet and he would hate not having me in his life. I think it’s clear I don’t want to be friends. Thoughts?
I am a realist and think it’s possible but it makes no sense that he would be strategic in meeting up if it’s friends. Yet he did ask for two weeks away and stated because he gets paid.
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 4, 2022 14:25:00 GMT
Thanks for your thoughts. When we broke up, he never told me why but wants to explain now. It is confusing to say the least. I did send him this text “ Good morning ☀️ I feel as I work on me jt important to be present. I too feel it was unfortunate and unfair. Keeping the lines of communication open are valued. My Yoda text sang in my heart because I feel it is important you know I see all your efforts in communicating your feelings needs wants. I am honored you trust me with your heart and you need to know that is mutual. I feel safe with you and hope you can see that for yourself within me. I wish blue skies, warm sun and good vibes for you always ❤️” He responded with saying It is sweet and he would hate not having me in his life. I think it’s clear I don’t want to be friends. Thoughts? I am a realist and think it’s possible but it makes no sense that he would be strategic in meeting up if it’s friends. Yet he did ask for two weeks away and stated because he gets paid. This is where you need to take him at his word and he keeps going back to wanting you as a friend. And yes, he is likely being strategic because he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings….he cares about you, but caring for someone and wanting to date them are 2 separate things. And perhaps he saw the writing on the wall and could see that relationship was not the best fit for either of you and so he decided to end it. I know that is not what you desire, but I am not reading anything that implies he is interested in getting back together. |
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Post by alexandra on Oct 4, 2022 17:55:46 GMT
I think it’s clear I don’t want to be friends. Thoughts? Nothing is clear in an insecure attachment dynamic unless you say it outright. Hinting and mind reading does not work. He hopes to hear what he wants to hear (that all is forgiven and you can be friends, if he has said he only wants to be friends) just as much as you are hoping that there is hope for more in any ambiguity and that there is opportunity to read between the lines. These indirect communications cause issues in all insecure pairings. Do not assume anything is clear unless you have said out outright, and then try to match your actions to your words as that is how you practice good boundaries for yourself. In the same regard, listen to his words and believe them. If his words and actions do not match, again, that comes with insecure attachment communication issues. If there is inconsistency, do not see hope in that, but listen to whichever is more "negative" (if he says friends only but then pays like it is a date and is physical affectionate, still listen that he only seeks friendship and ignore the rest as his FA and boundary issues). Good luck in getting the closure you seek, and do not abandon yourself or your needs in hopes that he will change his mind! |
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