Post by b96trx on Oct 4, 2022 18:21:29 GMT
Hi all, thank you for taking the time out to answer and give me some insight. I know that nobody here will have all the answers, but a bit of insight and advice would be appreciated.
I am an early 20s woman and my partner(ex as of 14days ago) is also early 20s. My attachment style is Secure, potentially leading onto anxious, however I do put the anxiousness down to how our relationship has made me feel over the course of 4years.
I will now give some insight into how we met, his behaviours and how he deals with conflict.
I met my partner in a nighclub, I was actually speaking to his friend first, his friend approached me, offered me a drink and spoke to me, my boyfriend was somewhere in the crowd but I did notice him as he did not approach me. Anyway towards the end of my night, my boyfriend finally plucked up the courage to speak to me, I remember him being plesant and polite. I ended up giving my number to his friend and left.
Anyway when I got home I recieved a text from the guy in the club, I thought it was the guy who asked for my num(turned out it was actually my boyfriend, well, soon to be) we text and everything seemed fine. He took an interest in me, wasn't too full on and communicated fine. Text me daily, asked me what I was doing etc.
Fast foward 2 months, he is picking me up from work every day, it's moving quite fast. This is all his idea. I kinda just went with the flow, he never overstepped any boundaries and was very caring, VERY affectionate and touchy. I liked it.
3 months later, I tell this guy I'm speaking to (soon to be boyfriend) I am going travelling around Asia alone. I like him, it's been great but I'm going. He tells me this is amazing and he will miss me. Anyway 1.5months into my travels, he flies out to see me as he "wants to be with me" it all seems very intense and foward, but it worked.
We came home from Asia and things just worked out from there. He helped me during a dark period of life when my mother died. His communication,commitment and dedication was great at this point. He was overly affectionate probably abit more than me but nothing that was relationship-killer worthy.
Then I started seeing red flags. We argued the day before my birthday, he said "I will go if you want" I replied, "up to you. I'm not keeping you hostage" and he FLEW out the door. Didnt say goodbye, say anything just left (avoiding conflict and the situation at hand) I never heard from him for 4 days until I got in touch,he arranged to see me, came around and we were fine.
Fast foward to now. My boyfriend cannot deal with any sort of conflict, problems or drama that involve HIM. For example, if I come up to my boyfriend and explain to him I am stressed at work he is supportive as the problem at hand does not involve him, however, God forbid I have a problem with him or anything to do with him, he becomes extremely defensive, shuts down and does not want to know, does not realise that his lack of communication and self awareness puts a huge strain on us.
My BF a few months ago had a problem with his overbearing mother, I encouraged him to have a word with her and talk about it as it was effecting me too. Instead he COMPLETELY shut down, and just ignored all her calls, she then proceeded to phone him even more and me, I told her to back off(I was stressed) he then feels even more threatened as there is now more conflict, runs OUT of my house and goes home for 5weeks??? It was a terible case of push and pull to get him back. I noticed when I started "pulling away" he snooped back. He crumbles during conflict and I mean CRUMBLES.
Behaviours I've noticed:
- Reluctancy to adress/acknowledge any problems, even if something is bothering him. I tell him to Speak. I love speaking and encourage him to do so, but nothing
- Feels that just because we are in a relationship and he is "physically" with me, then that is him "trying"
- Has had a few sexual partners but only 1 relationship from the age of 16 - 19
- Does not speak about his past, past relationships or...anything. no memories with friends, cool trips he went on....nothing.
- Apart from his one other gifriend as a teen, says he has never taken a girl on a date, never taken a girl to the movies, or for a meal or anything. Just texts them, invites them over then sleeps with them, no real substance.
-Does not seem to ask indepth questions. Very surface level. I always have to start conversation and finish it with questions
-States he wants a future, children etc but does nothing to aim towards it.
-He can easily emotionally detach during emotional conflict. For example when we argue and I tell him to "go" as I am left with nothing else to say or do, he packs his items, goes home, does not reach out or say ANYTHING. When I ask if he is sad or does he miss me he becomes cold, distant and very arm's length. "Yes I miss you. But what can I do." Or I ask for a talk "Yes I want to talk but I don't want you getting the wrong idea" what???
- Does not like accepting my help. When he is down(I think mild depression is going on here)and I offer him some sort of solution. Date night, cinema, events, raves etc he PANICKS. I think deep down he wants to but because he thinks too deep into things he can't actually bring himself to doing anything?
-Very sensitive to criticism and anything he seems as a "threat" towards himself
-Never really shows any emotions such as: jealously, clinginess, annoyance or anything. Not that I want a posessive or clingy partner but he never really shows any other emotions other than. Happy and sad. I never know what is bubbling beneath his surface
-when we are together he is fine he does communicate via phone. I work nights so he will text me until he falls asleep. I remember though he never, ever used to call me, ever. I explained to him that sometimes a call is nice, he worked on it and improved slightly.
-States he isn't a good boyfriend, I deserve better and he is dragging me down. Even though I've personally never said such a thing??
We are now in a situation where we had an argument 2 weeks ago. I told him to leave as we were not getting on clearly and he looked miserable. I Feel fine in the relationship, I communicate what is on my mind, let it be heard. He on the otherhand does not. He packed his things and left. I went on a city weekend break with my girlfriends during this split (he knew as I booked it whilst with him.) whilst on my trip I decided to message him and ask for a...talk? As I haven't heard anything. He pulled away he said, "don't you want to start a new life?" I was confused, what was he even going on about. Now we were in a game of push and pull. He agreed to see me when I was home. When I got home, instead of coming to see me like WE planned. It got to 10pm and i hadn't heard from him, I text and asked what he was doing? He said he will not be able to come and can we re arrange.
I expressed I was upset not because He never come, he didn't have the decency to just let me know. NO communication. He said he felt jealous I went away and him and I never? I explained he NEVER wants to stick to plans and trying to plan something with him is near impossible as he always just...freezes.
I then suggested I book us a trip away so we can talk and sort ourselves out? He absolutely PANICKED. I mean panicked. He said no. I haven't given him any "time" and I could have waited atleast a couple of weeks. Huh???
Sorry to ramble, just really trying to make sense of it all as I feel so in the dark. Would you say he is Dismissive Avoidant or something else?
I am an early 20s woman and my partner(ex as of 14days ago) is also early 20s. My attachment style is Secure, potentially leading onto anxious, however I do put the anxiousness down to how our relationship has made me feel over the course of 4years.
I will now give some insight into how we met, his behaviours and how he deals with conflict.
I met my partner in a nighclub, I was actually speaking to his friend first, his friend approached me, offered me a drink and spoke to me, my boyfriend was somewhere in the crowd but I did notice him as he did not approach me. Anyway towards the end of my night, my boyfriend finally plucked up the courage to speak to me, I remember him being plesant and polite. I ended up giving my number to his friend and left.
Anyway when I got home I recieved a text from the guy in the club, I thought it was the guy who asked for my num(turned out it was actually my boyfriend, well, soon to be) we text and everything seemed fine. He took an interest in me, wasn't too full on and communicated fine. Text me daily, asked me what I was doing etc.
Fast foward 2 months, he is picking me up from work every day, it's moving quite fast. This is all his idea. I kinda just went with the flow, he never overstepped any boundaries and was very caring, VERY affectionate and touchy. I liked it.
3 months later, I tell this guy I'm speaking to (soon to be boyfriend) I am going travelling around Asia alone. I like him, it's been great but I'm going. He tells me this is amazing and he will miss me. Anyway 1.5months into my travels, he flies out to see me as he "wants to be with me" it all seems very intense and foward, but it worked.
We came home from Asia and things just worked out from there. He helped me during a dark period of life when my mother died. His communication,commitment and dedication was great at this point. He was overly affectionate probably abit more than me but nothing that was relationship-killer worthy.
Then I started seeing red flags. We argued the day before my birthday, he said "I will go if you want" I replied, "up to you. I'm not keeping you hostage" and he FLEW out the door. Didnt say goodbye, say anything just left (avoiding conflict and the situation at hand) I never heard from him for 4 days until I got in touch,he arranged to see me, came around and we were fine.
Fast foward to now. My boyfriend cannot deal with any sort of conflict, problems or drama that involve HIM. For example, if I come up to my boyfriend and explain to him I am stressed at work he is supportive as the problem at hand does not involve him, however, God forbid I have a problem with him or anything to do with him, he becomes extremely defensive, shuts down and does not want to know, does not realise that his lack of communication and self awareness puts a huge strain on us.
My BF a few months ago had a problem with his overbearing mother, I encouraged him to have a word with her and talk about it as it was effecting me too. Instead he COMPLETELY shut down, and just ignored all her calls, she then proceeded to phone him even more and me, I told her to back off(I was stressed) he then feels even more threatened as there is now more conflict, runs OUT of my house and goes home for 5weeks??? It was a terible case of push and pull to get him back. I noticed when I started "pulling away" he snooped back. He crumbles during conflict and I mean CRUMBLES.
Behaviours I've noticed:
- Reluctancy to adress/acknowledge any problems, even if something is bothering him. I tell him to Speak. I love speaking and encourage him to do so, but nothing
- Feels that just because we are in a relationship and he is "physically" with me, then that is him "trying"
- Has had a few sexual partners but only 1 relationship from the age of 16 - 19
- Does not speak about his past, past relationships or...anything. no memories with friends, cool trips he went on....nothing.
- Apart from his one other gifriend as a teen, says he has never taken a girl on a date, never taken a girl to the movies, or for a meal or anything. Just texts them, invites them over then sleeps with them, no real substance.
-Does not seem to ask indepth questions. Very surface level. I always have to start conversation and finish it with questions
-States he wants a future, children etc but does nothing to aim towards it.
-He can easily emotionally detach during emotional conflict. For example when we argue and I tell him to "go" as I am left with nothing else to say or do, he packs his items, goes home, does not reach out or say ANYTHING. When I ask if he is sad or does he miss me he becomes cold, distant and very arm's length. "Yes I miss you. But what can I do." Or I ask for a talk "Yes I want to talk but I don't want you getting the wrong idea" what???
- Does not like accepting my help. When he is down(I think mild depression is going on here)and I offer him some sort of solution. Date night, cinema, events, raves etc he PANICKS. I think deep down he wants to but because he thinks too deep into things he can't actually bring himself to doing anything?
-Very sensitive to criticism and anything he seems as a "threat" towards himself
-Never really shows any emotions such as: jealously, clinginess, annoyance or anything. Not that I want a posessive or clingy partner but he never really shows any other emotions other than. Happy and sad. I never know what is bubbling beneath his surface
-when we are together he is fine he does communicate via phone. I work nights so he will text me until he falls asleep. I remember though he never, ever used to call me, ever. I explained to him that sometimes a call is nice, he worked on it and improved slightly.
-States he isn't a good boyfriend, I deserve better and he is dragging me down. Even though I've personally never said such a thing??
We are now in a situation where we had an argument 2 weeks ago. I told him to leave as we were not getting on clearly and he looked miserable. I Feel fine in the relationship, I communicate what is on my mind, let it be heard. He on the otherhand does not. He packed his things and left. I went on a city weekend break with my girlfriends during this split (he knew as I booked it whilst with him.) whilst on my trip I decided to message him and ask for a...talk? As I haven't heard anything. He pulled away he said, "don't you want to start a new life?" I was confused, what was he even going on about. Now we were in a game of push and pull. He agreed to see me when I was home. When I got home, instead of coming to see me like WE planned. It got to 10pm and i hadn't heard from him, I text and asked what he was doing? He said he will not be able to come and can we re arrange.
I expressed I was upset not because He never come, he didn't have the decency to just let me know. NO communication. He said he felt jealous I went away and him and I never? I explained he NEVER wants to stick to plans and trying to plan something with him is near impossible as he always just...freezes.
I then suggested I book us a trip away so we can talk and sort ourselves out? He absolutely PANICKED. I mean panicked. He said no. I haven't given him any "time" and I could have waited atleast a couple of weeks. Huh???
Sorry to ramble, just really trying to make sense of it all as I feel so in the dark. Would you say he is Dismissive Avoidant or something else?
