Time to check in again.

Hi Krolle, what's shakin? Have wondered how you've been!

I am, we are doing great. Feels stable and comfortable, I'm going to move in with him in a year or so when my kids are all flown.

Have you done any sailing? We couldn't make it out to the boat this year so kept it on the hard... flights were crazy expensive for a long weekend so we passed on it. HOPEFULLY next year!

Stability and comfort. That sounds absolutely wonderful. I'm jealous. It's just about the most difficult thing for me to achieve.

I have been journalling quiet a bit this year and found very few places I have been able to feel at peace.
I think there is definately something with my neurochemistry that just wont let me relax. Most of the times I write about feeling good is in the presence of adrenaline. It's like I get fleeting moments of absolute bliss when I'm on a knife edge, flow state as they say. Sailing has definately been a godsend for that because it allows me to achieve it in a much healthier way than previously. Which would normally be fighting, drugs, sex etc. I recommend sailing to just about anyone as a form of therapy.

Sorry you guys didnt manage to get out on the boat much this year. I guess I consider myself lucky that my boat is a 5 minute drive from where I live.

But I am really happy to hear about the strength of your relationship. Anything new you have learned this year that you'd care to share?

Have you read Pete Walker's book on PTSD he talks a bit about when you don't trust a therapist.

Also I feel you on the ADHD meds. Some days they made me incredibly tired, some days I felt super clear and able to focus and others they did nothing. I ended up giving up on them for now.

You know, I think adrenaline is a factor in my boyfriend's wellbeing also, as a feature of (undiagnosed but omg textbook) adhd. Not that I'm diagnosing you, I just recognize his enjoyment of adrenaline in contrast to my own distaste for it lol. Funny how we have come together and worked so well with such differences, but I do see thst we both have expanded our tolerance and even enjoyment of the other's way of being. I take more risks along side him, and do more exploring and challenging of my comfort zone. He's taken to more relaxation, receptive to less results driven doing and more resting and just being. At the root of our happiness, I think, is the comfort of being truly appreciated and not just accepted for who we are, warts and all. It seems to have opened us both to growth because we aren't as defensive in our personalities and identifies as we once were.

He lived hair on fire avoiding down time and his own anxiety about himself, I truly think. Not really able to face the discrepancy between his high functioning and low functioning aspects... an adhd conundrum maybe. Brilliant in some ways and incapacitated in others. With growing intimacy and acceptance and partnership in the relationship he's made progress he hadn't been able to make on his own, and it's awesome for both of us. It's taken a huge load off of him.

I entered the relationship defended against a relationship, and the vulnerability and neediness that seemed to entail. What I've learned is I have a lot of unmet needs that I have distanced myself from and therefore become a difficult woman lol! Really a walking set of contradictions that show up in patterned reactions. Here's an example process:

I've found that I really need you!
You aren't available as I'd like (maybe distracted or busy)
I KNEW this neediness business was a bad proposition!
I need you so much that the best course of action is to withdraw and reduce my need. Maybe slam the door(figuratively or literally so you get a hint.)
Uh-Oh, withdrawing feels like Old Bad News! SHIT!
Alright, dammit. I WILL ADMIT I AM SAD and I NEED YOU.
We finally discuss my needs and how he can help me feel connected and belonging. Progress made, but it's a process of recognizing my own need for safe human connection, deconstructing my internal conditioned beliefs about that, encountering some pain from that need being unmet so long, and allowing a new reality to be true. Then facing the vulnerability around that.
Sometimes the cure hurts a little, I guess?

Its terribly complicated at some points, and at others mind-bogglingly simple: Just be here, now.

Have you read this book?