Latching on to a secure partner (the wording is deliberate)

I think being anxious waxes and wanes depending on the person you are with. I know that I have an anxious side to my personality which is probably because my mother was a controlling bully and I was her usual target within the family. When I was younger, I'm sure because of my background, I let myself get manipulated by some very uncaring people, including a horrible first husband whom I divorced very soon after we were married.

My current husband is a former Marine and his world view is that you have to be brave and in control. From him, I've learned to be more secure throughout my life. We've been married for 24 years and I think that we've both learned to count on each other. He's there to support me with words of wisdom when I get anxious and I'm there to take care of him in other ways. I don't in any way consider myself to be a detriment to my husband.

But, with the wrong person, the anxiety can come flooding back. I was suddenly rejected, for no reason that I could understand, by somebody who had portrayed himself as a close friend. When he began to reject me, I was quickly dragged back into many of my childhood insecurities and I did become very anxious. When I finally found out about attachment styles and avoidants, my supposed friend easily admitted that he is an avoidant and that he confuses many people because he seems so friendly yet he never lets anybody get close. After his confession about being an avoidant, he proceeded to be even more rejecting. I did have the courage to complain and he lashed out, told me that I am emotionally unstable, and began the silent treatment.

I knew that I was too upset for my reaction to his seemingly senseless rejection to be based only on the current situation. In comparison to my being so upset, I told my husband what had happened and he just said that this guy was a nut. End of story - this guy was totally off my husband's radar.

I vowed that I never wanted any of this to happen again. I began to read about avoidants, narcissists, controlling people, trauma bonds, and limerence. In the end, I think that I happened to run into a very experienced avoidant who trolls for friends or customers and then unceremoniously dumps them when he gets bored or they get too involved. I did not know that avoidants start out being so wonderfully charming and then become really rejecting. I see now that, out of ignorance, I was much too trusting that he was telling me the whole truth - I now realize that he was very emotionally deceptive.

I think that it's very important for people who have anxious tendencies to be aware that avoidants are out there so that we can identify them very early and stay away from them because we don't have good resistance to their behavior. But, I also think it's also very likely that with a stable, secure person, our feelings of anxiety probably can be fairly well-controlled.

Best wishes.

Katy

In my experience, a huge part of my anxiety dissipated when I got into a relationship with a stable, secure person. With my husband, we both know that I have some anxiety about the world but we manage that just like we manage the fact that he had back surgery and sometimes needs some help because of back pain.

Interacting with a stable person is totally the opposite of my experience dealing with an avoidant. With the most recent avoidant, as I look back, there was always a subtle, tense undertone of him being there, but with a shield part-way up and one foot already partially out the door. Even though he appeared kind and friendly, from the beginning, he kept subtly dropping the hint that he was so busy. As time went on, he was more and more erratic - sometimes he was there and sometimes he was not there. For me, the whole thing was like the frog in the cold water and the flame is turned on - for a while I didn't even realize what was happening and how anxious I had become. I think the erratic nature of the content and timing of his responses is what caused me so much anxiety.

With a person who has normal, stable reactions, I'm usually OK. With somebody who is stable, you can talk about what's going on for you, and come up with a compromise. You can work on controlling your need to have somebody around constantly, and they can be aware that you might sometimes be reaching out just for a little reassurance. Jeb talks in one of his books about reassuring touches between people.

Especially now that you are aware of being anxious, it's not the end of the world with a stable person. As long as you are both aware of what's going on, there are compromises that can be worked out.

Best wishes.

Katy

Raco, that makes sense, at least if the two preoccupied partners have managed to get their anxiety under control. If nothing else, each partner knows where the other is coming from.

Katy, I kind of feel like I should apologize for the over-generalized way I worded some of my initial remarks. Clearly there are people with a tendency to an anxious-preoccupied style, like you, who are basically together and ready to be a strong, contributing, and equal partner in a good relationship with the right kind of person. I was speaking too much from my own experience and should be more specific that I think *I* would be the drag on any relationship I might be in.

I really appreciate both of you sharing your thoughts and experiences.

Hi all. I have witnessed a pairing between two anxious pre-occ people, and it was a disaster. Neither were aware, or wanted to be aware of themselves. They both individually saw their actions as 'signs of love'. The relationship didn't last long as it became exhausting for both of them. Both were trying to get their needs met through the other - which you would think would work - but it didn't because their thirst for the constant 'proof' for the others commitment, love, affection etc suffocated the needs of the other. In the end, games were played (eg trying to make the other jealous to get a reaction) and, as you say, it got very messy and ended badly.